His love for Pokémon seems to know no bounds. He has spliced them into photographs of himself, written stories about his relationships with them, and composed songs dedicated to them. He operates mainly on DeviantArt (baleeted), but can also be found on Twitter (delorted), as well as 789chan, fruitlessly trying to defend his sick fetishes.
Despite Pokémon not having visible genitalia (not to mention the fact that they aren't fucking real), Justin is head-over-heels in love with Reshiram. Justin has written lengthy stories describing his dream world, in which no one looks down on him for his beastialic marriage. In this one, Justin lists off the various things that make Reshiram attractive to him: Reshiram, being a Fire-type Pokémon, keeps Justin warm in the winter time; the protection Reshiram's "Legendary" status offers Justin is a plus ("80% of Pokémon are liable to take a human down in one attack," Justin claims); the fact that Justin and Reshiram repeatedly interrupt each other with the same words is apparently a major turn-on (?), and the debt Reshiram feels to Justin for having been freed by him from some trap keeps her in a perpetual state of servitude.
"So, being married to a legendary Pokémon, not to mention she is a lot bigger than you and a lot more powerful too, does it make living, life, and activities harder to do together?" asked the announcer. "No actually, it makes it more interesting," Justin answered. "Especially the love making."
Nothing is more sexy than being digested by a giant.
Justin makes no secret of his innumerable fetishes, which range from shit-eating to his desire to be shrunken down and stuffed up a vagina. He is an active member on the vore site Eka's portal, where he frequently fantasizes about being eaten alive by animals, big and small, real and fictional. Justin often begs for others to photoshop him into the stomaches of other creatures, but when they of course ignore him, he takes it upon himself to provide the fapping material.
When you see it...
One of his many interests is "unbirthing," which involves him being shrunk down and stuffed up a vagina, where, among other things, he can "keep warm and safe." Justin does not limit this desire to only anime and video game human characters - demonstrating his overwhelming levels of autism, he's created several images of himself being unbirthed by a dragon.
In their tongue, he is Dovahkiin, Dragonborn!
I'm a furry,
You're a furry too.
Furry, furry, furry
—JustinRPG's self-penned hit 'I'm A Furry' is the stuff of nightmares.
Linear Pair of Angles
"Linear Pair of Angles" is the name Justin goes by when he becomes a "musician." You can download a pack of his songs here. You'll notice that most of the time his songs are "remixes," meaning that all he did was add ill-fitting Pokémon sound effects over the original song. A few, however, feature his singing. These range from "12 Legendary Pokémon of Christmas," a cover of the classic Christmas song, only with rambling, out-of-tune singing that's just dripping with autism, to "My Favorite PokéCommunity Forums User (Gameplayer56)," which would be a terrifying example of a deranged stalker if not for his hilariously handicapped singing voice. Other songs of his have titles such as "I Love to Ride Moltres All Night Long," "I Am Addicted to the Pokémon Reshiram," "Dance for Lugia," "Reshiram and Zekrom Are the Best," and "Samurott! Samurott! A Samurott Arrived!"
Perhaps his most well-known song is "I Love Reshiram (Married to Reshiram)," a heartfelt tribute to the object of his masturbatory fantasies. Despite Justin's best efforts to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING when faced with trolls, the song remains on YouTube:
Lubby chudder! Lubby chudder!
Another classic track:
On a vore message board, Justin attempted to find a singer for one of his songs. He posted these lyrics and expected someone to magically appear with audio. It finally happened when the band Guwange (previously notable for releasing a Chris-chan covers album) released their charttopping number #1 hit "Vorarephilia by JustinRPG by Guwange".
Vorarephilia, vorarephilia I got to be swallowed whole, by a dragoness
Unbirthed by Moltres, up the vagina, I am loving this vore time
When looking at the pictures on his wall, keep in mind he was 26 at the time.
Justin Michael Coolidge was born on August 30, 1985 and now resides in Michigan with his 48-year-old mother, a car-enthusaist named Elizabeth "Liz" Coolidge (here's her Facebook profile). Justin is a staunch Republican, perhaps due to his Christian faith. He claims to be straight (although he has at one point expressed interest in Sephiroth), and describes his body type as carrying "some extra baggage." He does not smoke, does not drink, and does not currently have a job (unless you count "RPG Leader," which is what is listed under "occupation" on his MySpace profile).
Justin's mother, Liz Coolidge
From 2003 to 2008 Justin attended the Behavioral Education Center in Bangor, MI, a high school (unsurprisingly) for the mentally challenged. He has pursued no education beyond this. Instead, it appears he now spends his days browsing the Internet for bizarre porn, playing video games, gambling, and otherwise staying inside his house.
Justin is also a porn fic writer. You can see it for yourself below.
Reshiram's Sex Slave
Reshiram: Time to get up Justin Coolidge, 8 AM, time for another day of sex, sex slave
Justin: Another day, day 77 out 365, 288 more days of being your sex slave, Reshiram, If I can last the rest of the 288, I get 1 Million dollars!!!
Reshiram: Yes, I know, You sold yourself to me as a sex slave, I have never seen anybody do this with a Reshiram!
Justin: Yes Reshiram, the guy who did the same thing for a female Meganium inspired me!!
Reshiram: We got our talking done, and now on to the sex.
Justin: Yes, Reshiram!
Reshiram: You can start by licking my vagina.
Justin: As you wish.
Narrator: Justin start licking Reshiram's vagina in very fast licks
Reshiram: Keep going at it Justin, the timer is set for 30 minutes, when that goes off, we'll move to intercourse.
Narrator: 15 minutes later...
Reshiram: Ooooh I'm cumming, continue to lick Justin, I don't care if my female ejaculation is coming out of my vagina, you still have 15 more minutes to lick my vagina...
Narrator: Justin continues to lick Reshiram's vagina while Reshiram's female ejaculation is squirting out and lots of it gets into Justin's mouth.
Reshiram: Now You must swallow all that cumm in your mouth, Justin
Justin: Ugh, GULP!!
Narrator: After the rest of the 15 minutes of Justin Licking Reshiram's vagina.
Reshiram: Now put your penis into my vagina and fuck me hard!!!
Narrator: Justin puts his penis into Reshiram's vagina and moves it up and down.
Reshiram: Oh, Justin, Oh Justin, oh, Justin, Oh Justin,oh, Justin, Oh Justin, you fuck so good!
Justin: Hey, this actually feels good! I actually like fucking a Vast White Pokemon, Reshiram! even though you are a dragon / fire type Pokemon, and I am just a human! Not to mention, your are twice as tall and, WAY bigger than me!!!
Reshiram: oh, Thank You Justin!! Just keep on fucking me!!!
Justin: I will definitely make the rest of the 288 days!!! I'l be a millionaire, and may even go another year for free!! I can get used to this!!
Reshiram: You would do that for me?
Justin: For you Reshiram! Yes, sexy Vast White Pokemon
Reshiram: Stop saying Vast White Pokemon, you are embarrassing me!!
Narrator: While Reshiram, & Justin were talking and having sex, Reshiram has an orgasm, Reshiram's vagina squeezes Justin's penis
Reshiram: Ooooooooooooh YES!! JUSTIN!!!!
Reshiram: Another hour of sex, Justin?
Justin: Yes, Reshiram
Narrator: Reshiram & Justin have sex for another hour!
Reshiram: One hour break, and we'll start the whole thing over again!!
Narrator: Justin goes back into his room and because of his experience with Reshiram, he sits anxiously and waits.
Justin: This is going to be the longest hour in the history of time!
Another story about a human that gets raped by a Palkia:
A female Palkia flies over a neighborhood looking for an unexpected human for sex. The Palkia says to herself, "hmmmmmm... which one, which one. That one right there." the Palkia spots a 26 year old man. The Palkia swoops down and grabs the man.
"Let me down! Stupid Palkia. Let me Go!" the man yells and struggles but is unable to break free. The Palkia takes the man to a secluded area
At the area the man asks, "What do you want from me?" the Palkia responds, "you are going to have sex with me right now!" the man yells back, "No fucking way am I having sex with a Palkia." "Are you sure you want to refuse, I am giving you one more chance to submit." says the Palkia. "No, I am not going to have sex, Just forget it!!" the man rages. "Then I must." the Palkia Responds
The Palkia then attacks the man with the attack Spacial Rend. The man falls to the ground due to the Spacial Rend attack.
"Are you going to have sex with me now?" asked the Palkia. "Yes, anything, just don't attack me again! I'll do anything you want" the man responds. "Very well." says the Palkia, "let's begin shall we."
The man and the Palkia get ready for sex. "First of you can start by licking my vagina." the Palkia says to the man. The man starts licking the Palkia's vagina. "Don't stop until I say so" demanded the Palkia. The man licks the Palkia's vagina for 20 minutes. "Now, stick your tongue way up my vagina." the Palkia commanded. The man does so.
"Ooooooh I have to urinate. Do not take your tongue out while I do so." the Palkia told the man. "Oh God" thought the man.
The Palkia urinates while the man's tongue is in Palkia's vagina and it turns out that the Palkia really had to go. Palkia's urination lasted a whole minute and a half. Lots of Palkia's urine was getting in the man's face and into his mouth.
"I want you to swallow that urine in your mouth. And do not take your tongue out of my vagina while you do so." the Palkia demands. The man swallows Palkia's urine. The man gags.
"Now, continue to lick my vagina until I ejaculate with my female fluids. When I do, open your mouth and allow my female ejaculation in." demanded the Palkia the man licks the Palkia's vagina it wasn't until 25 minutes later when Palkia ejaculates. The man follows the instructions and opens his mouth and all of Palkia's female ejaculation enters the man's mouth.
"Now swallow it!" demands the Palkia. The man does so
"Now onto intercourse." says the Palkia. "I want you to stick your penis into my vagina and move it up and down. Do not stop" the man does so
30 minutes later the man and the Palkia are still having sexual intercourse. A Male Palkia shows up at the scene. The female Palkia says to the male Palkia, "Care to join in for a threesome?" "Sure!' says the male Palkia."Go a head and stick it in this mans butt." the female Palkia says. The male Palkia does so. The man screams.
The two Palkia's have really hardcore sex with the man for another 40 minutes. The man's penis releases semen. In about another five minutes the Female Palkia's vagina gushes Female ejaculation followed by the vagina squeezing the man's penis. Moments later, the Male Palkia cumms as well.
"Now, that was fun!" the female Palkia says. The male responds, "I agree! But I got to go now, huge legendary Pokemon battle at the mountain" the male leaves the scene.
The man asks the female Palkia, "Can I go now?" "Just one minute" says the Palkia.
The Palkia then attack the man with another Spacial Rend attack then vanishes without a trace.
"It's all over now, that was scary. I don't want to see another Palkia for the rest of my life!" the man says to himself. The man gets up and heads home.
Anything For A Corvette, in which Justin proves that when he says he wants a Corvette, he's not fucking around.
Jenna: Hey, there Justin Coolidge, there is a horny female Moltres over there that has been itching for sexual intercourse with human, I dare you to satisfy that Moltres.
Justin: what's in it for me?
Jenna: you know that 'shiny' Corvette you've always wanted? I'll use my yesterday's casino winnings to buy it for you! You must do EVERYTHING that the Moltres wants to do sexually. It likes more than just intercourse...
Justin: Corvette!!!!! my life long dream car!!! I never been able to afford one myself! This is like my only chance like EVER to get one!!! It would be worth it, I accept your offer! I will perform sexual activities with that Moltres!!!
Jenna: you'll need this...
Narrator: Jenna gives Justin a small electronic device
Jenna: this device will covert Moltres's screeches into English speech so You can understand what Moltres wants you to do. you must not stop until Moltres says she's satisfied, and this Pokemon wants alot! good luck!
Narrator: Justin walks over to the Moltres.
Justin: hey there Moltres, my name is Justin Coolidge. I hear you want to perform sexual activites with a human?
Moltres: Screeech, yes you are correct!
Justin: I will satisify that, I will perform Sexual activities with you!!!
Moltres: screeech, Ok! I am so happy!!! but first, I would feel more comfortable to perform sexual activites at my home, Fire Island!
Justin: that is 500 miles away, how are we going to get there?
Moltres: screeech, I will trasport you, you ride my back and I will fly you to Fire Island!!
Narrator: Justin gets on Moltres's back and moltres flies up into the air, Justin rides Moltres until they reach Fire Island.
Justin: Ok, Moltres, Lets begin! what first?
Moltres: screeech, the first is rather simple, I want to facesit you for the first 30 minutes!
Narrator: Justin thinks this is a rather odd request. even though he knows Moltres wants more than just intercourse, he didn't think it would be this way out there. Justin agrees to Moltres facesitting him because doing everything Moltres wants was part of the deal, and Justin lays on the ground.
Justin: Ok, Ready Moltres!
Narrator: Moltres sits on Justin's face. Moltres's butt is against Justin's face.
Narrator: 10 minutes into Moltres facesitting Justin... Moltres has a request.
Moltres: screeech, for the rest of the 20 minutes of me facesitting you, Justin, I want you to keep licking my butt, and not just the cheeks, the butt-hole too...
Narrator: Justin starts licking Moltres's anus, and continues to lick Moltres's butt for the rest of the 20 minutes of Moltres facesittin him.
Moltres: screeech, time's up, time for the next sexual activity.
Narrator: Moltres gets off of Justin's face.
Moltres: screeech, next up, I want you to lick my vagina. Lick it like you love it!!
Narrator: Justin rapidly licks Moltres's vagina.
Narrator: 45 minutes later, Justin still licking Moltres's vagina.
Moltres: Screeech, Now, stick your tongue way up my vagina, as far as it will go!
Narrator: Justin sticks his tongue way up Moltres's vagina. then Moltres releases female ejaculation and quite a bit gets into Justin's Mouth
Moltres: Screeech, now for the best part, Intercourse
Justin: Ok, Moltres as you wish!
Narrator: Justin and Moltres have sexual intercourse for an hour.
Moltres: screeech, I Just had an orgasm!!
Narrator: Moltres's vagina squeezes Justin's Penis, followed by a large amount of female ejaculation.
Moltres: screeech, almost done, Justin!! one last request, I will poop upon your face to end it off!!!
Narrator: Justin thinks, "another odd request, first facesitting and now poop related sexual activities, this Moltres has a few fetishes that not everybody has!!! but if I want that Corvette..."
Justin: as you wish Moltres, go ahead and poop on my face.
Moltres: screeech, here it comes!!! there is a lot in there!!!
Narrator: Moltres puts her butt close to Justin's face and poops. a lot of poop comes out onto Justin's face, enough to cover Justin's face completely.
Narrator: Justin gets up, some of Moltres's poop fall off Justin, But his face is still pretty smeared with Moltres's poop.
Moltres: screeech, no time to clean your self up, I will take you back home.
Narrator: Justin rides Moltres back home.
Jenna: I see you're back, Justin!!
Jenna: what happened to your face?
Justin: you don't wanna know!!!!
Jenna: Hey Moltres!! did Justin do everything you say?
Moltres: screeech!! yes, he did! no questions asked! no arguing back either!! It was perfect!! he obeyed EVERY command!!
Moltres: screeech, I thought I would NEVER get to do any of these things with a human!! Thank You so much Justin!!! you made me the happiest Pokemon in the world!!!
Justin: you should than Jenna here!!!
Jenna: Let's go get that Corvette I promised!!!
Narrator: Jenna & Justin go to the car dealership, Justin Picks out a '92 Corvette Convertable and Jenna Pays for it as she promised!!
Justin: AT LAST!!!! my very own Corvette!!!! I had to have sexual relations with a Moltres, but at least I have a Corvette!!!
Here's how Justin summarizes this next story:
i wrote my first vore story, since i didn't get a response on my tiger story request. I decided to attempt to make one myself, the story is about me (justin Coolidge) the girls names are my old high school girlfriends (before I graduated) and is written in third person
The Girls' Tiger Plan
One day, Justin Coolidge was walking in the jungle and he found a remote like object on the ground with one button on it. Curious, Justin pushes the button, then before Justin Coolidge realizes it, he is shrunk down to an inch tall.
Justin Coolidge hears a booming voice that says, "my experiment is almost complete, I have shrunken my first human ha ha ha ha ha, now time to get my orange bengal tiger ready"
Justin Coolidge is picked up by the person who’s voice he heard. It was a female human.
Justin asks "who are you, and what are you going to do with me?"
"my name is Jenna Russell and I will let the orange bengal tiger decide what to do with you, but first I am going to put you in a cup"
Jenna then puts Justin Coolidge into a glass, and Jenna takes off all her clothes and squats down above the glass with her vagina about 6 inches above the glass.
Jenna then pees in the glass.
"Help!" Justin Coolidge yells. Justin Coolidge closes his eyes as the glass fills with urine. Upon opening his eyes, Justin Coolidge notices that he is floating with only his head above the urine. Justin then looks up and is disappointed because he cannot get to the top. after about an hour of Justin Coolidge being in the glass of urine, Jenna Russell then takes Justin Coolidge out of the glass, and says "now, lick my vagina until I say stop"."
Justin Coolidge then says, "but I'm only an inch tall, your vagina is three times the size of me"
"I don't care," Jenna Russell says. Justin Coolidge starts to lick jenna's vagina. after an hour Jenna russell allows Justin to
Then a girl named Kayla Klotch walks in and says "here is your orange bengal tiger." Jenna Russell then says "finally my plan can start."
Kayla asks, "can I mess with the shrunken man, first?" Jenna allows. Kayla then sticks Justin Coolidge up her vagina. Jenna and Kayla sit down to a game of Texas hold em Poker. after 2 hours, Kayla grabs Justin out of her vagina.
Jenna Russell and Kayla says together "time for the orange Bengal Tiger to do her work, Ha ha ha ha ha."
Kayla asks "may I do the honor?" Jenna allows.
Kayla then takes Justin Coolidge and puts him in the orange Bengal tiger's vagina while Justin Says, " don't put me there!"
Kayla says, "too late!" then Heather Strouse comes in with a male orange bengal tiger.
Jenna Russell says to Kayla Klotch and Heather Strouse, "you thinking what I'm thinking?, let's make the two orange bengal tigers have sexual intercourse."
All three girls say "yes!!", the male orange bengal tiger is brought to the female orange bengal tiger, the male orange bengal tiger is attracted and mates with the female.
Justin Coolidge inside the female orange bengal tiger's vagina feels the male tiger's penis, "Shit, Why is this happening to me? This is not nessessary!"
Moments later Justin Coolidge is swimming in the male orange Bengal Tiger's semen. upset, but cannot do a thing about it. The two orange bengal tigers mate for about an hour, then the male orange bengal tiger takes his penis out of the female orange bengal tiger's vagina, Justin Coolidge falls out of the tiger's pussy in the process. Jenna Russell picks Justin Coolidge up.
Justin asks, "can i go home now?" Jenna says, "no, I have another plan for you!"
Justin says, "oh no!"
Then Heather Strouse asks, "may I?"
Jenna allows. Heather Strouse then puts Justin Coolidge in the female orange bengal Tiger's mouth, the bengal tiger swallows Justin Coolidge whole. Justin inside the orange bengal tiger's stomach screaming and hollering but no one can hear Justin. a few hours later the orange bengal tiger's digestive juices start doing their work, digesting Justin Coolidge alive, after another hour Justin Coolidge is fully digested And leaves the stomach, on through the liver, into the small intestine and into the large intestine, then the orange bengal tiger poops out what's left of Justin's remains, his bones covered in poop.
Kayla: why do you keep eating various Pokemon's Poop.
Justin: I love Pokemon Poop!
Kayla: You have eaten umpteen dozen different Pokemon's Poop!
Justin: 8 to be exact, Meganium, Lugia, Latios, Xatu, Eevee, Latias, Pikachu, and now Reshiram! in that exact order!!
Kayla: you keep a running list of the Pokemon who's poop you've eaten?
Justin: yes, why not? I like Pokemon poop so much that I keep a list of Pokemon who's poop I've eaten, I also have a list of Pokemon who I want to eat it's poop but haven't yet.
Kayla: I can't even believe all those Pokemon actually agreed to let you eat their poop. I'm afraid to ask, what's next on the list!!!
Justin: I saved the best for last, the one I wouldn't mind eating it's poop multiple times!!!
Kayla: and what pokemon might that be?
Kayla: <laughs histerically> Good luck on that one, Moltreses are extremely rare, and fly away pretty much every time anyone get near it!!!
Justin: I'll find a way, if by luck I see one, I will present myself in a way that Moltres knows I won't do any harm, and state my case to the Moltres!!!
Kayla: even if Moltres hears you out, good luck on getting it to agree to let you eat it's poop. Moltreses are territorial and don't take marking their territory lightly, it will think you are invading if you eat it's poop!!!
Narrator: the next day...
Kayla: still thinking about eating Moltres's poop?
Justin: I'm still thinking about a way to get it done! and by god, it will happen!!!
Kayla: I have a better chance of winning the lottery and scoring a jackpot at the casino on the same day, then the chance you will EVER eat Moltres's poop in your lifetime!!!
Justin: it will happen, and I will get to say those 4 magic words, "I Told You So!!"
Kayla: you know what I am going to buy a lottery ticket, then to the casino!!! my odds are better than yours!!!
Justin: you're laughing now, but I'll show you!!!
Narrator: two weeks later...
Kayla: still thinking about Moltres's Poop?
Kayla: after enough time, I know you will give it up!!!
Narrator: another two months down the road!!
Justin: the day is coming, where I get to eat Moltres's Poop.
Kayla: you haven't given up yet? you're impossible!!!
Narrator: yet three more months later, in a big open field
Justin: A Moltres Is in the air and it is coming down!
Kayla: it won't stop anywhere in this field, it's just flying by
Justin: no, it looks like it is coming for a landing!!!
Narrator: the Moltres lands in the field about 100 feet away from Justin & Kayla
Justin: now's my big chance!!!!
Kayla: it will fly away if you get near it!!!
Justin: Oh, lucky me, it is getting ready to poop.
Kayla: how do you know?
Justin: I saw a documentary on Moltres yesterday!!! It was like something out there wants me to eat Moltres's Poop!! I see this documentery on the habits of Moltres, then the next day I witness it with my onw eyes!! It was meant to be!!!
Kayla: still, good luck on the permission side of this!!!
Justin: no, I will Just sneak up on the Moltres!!!
Narrator: Moltres starts pooping
Narrator: Justin sneaks up to the Moltres, takes his clothes off and sits in the poop already out!!!
Kayla: I did not want to see that, keep your clothes on... wait, Moltres didn't even see him!! odd...
Narrator: Justin looks up and opens his mouth to allow Moltres's poop to enter his mouth!!! Justin is lucky, Moltres still doesn't see him, apparently all Moltres cares about is pooping!!! Justin notices that the Moltres is female.
Justin:<thinking to himself> not only am I eating Moltres's Poop, this Moltres is female! which was my choice of Gender for Moltres's poop!! It's my lucky day!!
Narrator: the rest of Moltres's poop enters Justin's Mouth and Justin swallows Moltres's Poop. Moltres then flies away, and never even noticed Justin, Moltres pooped into Justin's mouth and didn't even know it or will ever know it!!
Justin: My Pokemon poop eating list is complete, although Moltres will remain on the future list for the rest of my life! Moltres's poop was better than I imagined!!!
Kayla: You actually got to eat Moltres's Poop!! although I though it was discusting, there is nothing more lucky than that!! this is Moltres we're talking about!! no one as EVER got that close to one!!!!!
Justin: you know what Kayla?
Justin: I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! neeeeener, neeeeener,neeeeener, I was right, you were wrong!! ha ha a ha ha!!!! you just go burned!!! a wicked burn!!! I mean you got Owned!! or even better, you got PWNED!!!!!!!
Kayla: yeah, yeah, rub it in!!!!
More vore and beastiality. In other words, more of the same:
dragoness: Hey there, Justin Coolidge, I am the sexy dragoness. do you want to have sex with me?
Justin: It would be my pleasure, I will have sex with you, you are such a beautiful dragoness.
dragoness: get closer, Justin, feel my vagina
Justin: dragoness! I see your vagina is wet! are you sexually aroused?
dragoness: yes, Justin, I am!
Justin: can I lick your vagina now, dragoness? I love wet pussy when my subject is sexually aroused. dragoness, I will lick your wet vagina for an hour!
narrator: Justin Coolidge starts licking the dragoness's pussy!
dragoness: you are really loving this aren't you Justin! imagine that I, sexy dragoness getting eaten out by a human!
Justin: OK dragoness, I am going to stick my tongue way up your vagina!
Narrator: Justin sticks his tongue way up the dragoness's vagina
dragoness: OOOOh, I am about to have an orgasm, I am cumming
narrator: the dragoness's female ejaculation squirts Justin in his face and into his mouth
dragoness: did you just?
Justin: Yes I did, dragoness! I swallowed what cumm of yours that went into my mouth.
Narrator: a few hours and lots of foreplay later.
dragoness: are you ready for some vaginal sex, Justin?
Justin: yes, my dear dragoness! I am so horny, let's have sex!
narrator: Justin and the dragoness have sex for a few hours.
Justin: that was awesome dragoness!
dragoness: well, that's too bad, because...
Justin: because what, dragoness!
dragoness: because, it is time for me to carry out my plans!!
narrator: the dragoness opens her mouth and then closes it upon Justin and swallows Justin whole.
dragoness: that was fun, and now Justin is going to digest in my stomach.
narrator: a few hours later, Justin is fully digested.
Amazingly, Justin managed to write stories that don't involve shit eating, vagina-licking, and piss-swimming. They aren't quite as shocking as the above stories, but for completion's sake (as well as the lulz to be derived from their childish quality), they are included here:
The Great Moltres Rider - Interview
The radio announcer speaks, "Welcome back to The Coffee and Pokemon Morning Show here on PokeRock 87.9 FM Next up, we have Justin Coolidge in the studio, also known as "The Great Moltres Rider" you may have seen him flying around the city riding a Moltres, but you don't know his story or how he is able to successfully ride a Moltres, so let's give a warm welcome to Justin Coolidge, The Great Moltres Rider. Welcome Justin.
Justin speaks, "hi, James."
James the announcer continues, "So you have been riding Moltres for what is it, 10 years now?"
Justin replies with, "Yes I have been riding a Moltres as my method of transportation for the past 10 years, that is correct"
"So, why do you ride Moltres? There is a lot of other Pokemon out there that can transport someone, but you chose Moltres. Not to mention it is a fire type." The announcer continues
Justin answers, "ever since I saw a Moltres when I was 14, I thought it would be cool to ride one, I caught my very own Moltres when I was 15, by the age of 16, Moltres trusted me enough to be able to transport me. I was still in school at the time; I quit riding the school bus, and rode my Moltres to school."
"And don't you ever accidently get burned by Moltres?" asked the announcer.
Justin answers with, "No, a lot of people think it is impossible to ride a fire type Pokemon without getting burned, but my aunt who rises Ponytas on a ranch taught me this thing about riding fire type Pokemon, "if the Pokemon trusts you enough it won't burn you when it touch it's flames. And that is how I can ride all these Ponytas." My aunt says. And that's why I had the Moltres for a year before riding it, to build up trust with my Moltres, so I can successfully ride it."
"I see." said the announcer, "so what is the longest distance you have made in one trip on Moltres?"
"I rode Moltres for 200 miles to see my cousin once; you should have seen the look on her face once she saw me on a Moltres. I loved it!" Justin said
"So how much do you enjoy riding this Moltres of yours, Justin?" asked the announcer.
"It is exhilarating; I love every bit of it. Flying around in the sky on a fire type Pokemon, the greatest experience I could EVER have!!!! I wish I could do this for a living." Justin replies
"What do you do for a living?" asked the announcer
Justin answers "I am a Pokemon veterinarian who specializes in fire type Pokemon."
"That's got to be the next best thing from riding a Moltres, right? Asked the announcer, you ride a fire type Pokemon plus you work with fire type Pokemon as your job"
"Yeah, that is fun too, but riding a Moltres is even more fun than being a fire type Pokemon veterinarian" Justin responded
"Have you ever worked on any other Moltreses in you veterinarian career?" asked the announcer
"No, no other Moltreses, but I have worked on a Reshiram once." Justin responded
"Now getting back on subject of your ability to ride Moltres, has anybody ever said to you, "you're crazy for riding a Moltres."" asked the announcer
Yeah, several actually, but I have gained quite a bit of fame for being able to ride a Moltres." Justin replied
"And you've been on TV?" asked the announcer
"TV, News, Newspaper, YouTube, Internet, the whole nine yards. And now I am on the radio." Justin answered
"Do you like all this fame you are getting from your ability to ride Moltres?" asked the announcer.
"Yes, I like to be famous! The more people that know me, the better. I like to make myself known to the world. That's why I agreed to come onto your radio show." Justin answered
"Have you ever been attacked by another Pokemon while riding Moltres?" asked the announcer.
"Oh my, all the time, I even have two rivals, one who rides a Zapdos, and one who rides an Articuno, I get challenged to attack races against them all the time. But that isn't the only times I do get attacked, sometimes out of the blue, a wild Pokemon'll attack me." Justin replied
"Well, that's all the time we have. We thank Justin for coming in and telling us about his Moltres riding experiences. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors. You are listening to The Coffee and Pokemon Morning Show on PokeRock 87.9 FM." The announcer finishes
How the Bird Saved Justin
Justin was wondering around a forest enjoying the view, when he comes to an opening, Justin walks out into the opening. suddenly, Justin hears machine guns firing. Justin looks around and notices he is right in the middle of a war zone. Justin then says to himself, "I am going to die, I'm caught in the middle of some kind of war."
then a loud screech is heard. Justin looks up into the sky. A giant bird is flying above Justin. the giant bird then swoops down and grabs Justin and flies away with Justin.
Justin says to himself, "Now I definitely am going to die, this bird will eat me."
Justin tries to struggle and break free from the bird's claws, but has no luck escaping the bird. the bird has him in it's claws really good, Justin thinks it's hopeless. the bird will not let him go and Justin cannot do anything to escape fom the bird. The giant bird then takes him to it's nest.
upon arriving at the bird's nest, Justin is released into the giant bird's nest. The giant bird then lands in the nest right beside Justin. The bird covers Justin with it's wings. it also makes screeches again, but these screeches are noticably different than the screeches Justin heard in the war zone. These screeches were more in a calming manner like if this bird is trying to communicate something to Justin. but Justin can't understand bird screeches and is totally confused on what is going on. Justin says to himself, "WTF is going on?"
Justin sitting there confused as hell, then notices the bird steps aside and Justin sees bird eggs, Justin then examins the bird and declared the bird female but, Justin is still confused on what is going on. "what is going on, here? This is VERY odd, I don't know what the bird wants with me, but if it wants to eat me, it surely is taking it's sweet old time." Justin mumbles to himself
then another loud screech is heard off in the distance, then a male bird arrives at the nest, and the male bird tries to eat Justin, but the female stops the male bird. The two birds screech back and forth to each other for a while until the screeches slowly become quieter and calmer.
The female bird then covers Justin with her wing again and makes screeches in the same calming matter as before. Soon the male bird follows with calm screeches and comes to cover Justin as well.
Then it dawns on Justin, he says out loud "This bird saved my life and wants to protect me! this bird rescued me from the war zone!" the female bird makes a calm screech in an agreeing manner.
Justin then spends a few nights with the two birds in the nest and they became fast friends. the birds kept justin safe in a protecting manner those few days. Justin decides to live with the two birds within their nest.
A few weeks later, The bird eggs hatch and a family of giant birds are born. Justin has never seen such marvel.
the mother bird camly screeches at Justin knowing that Justin is amazed.
the next few weeks the bird protects Justin in the same manner as her own baby birds. Justin found a new home with a family of giant birds. and had a good rest of his life with the giant bird family.
Merging the Reshiram and Zekrom Club
--8PM at the Reshiram Club in a metropolitan city...
"This meeting is adjourned." the head Reshiram of the Reshiram Club says, she continues, "Justin, can you stay after? I want to speak with you." "Sure!" Justin replies.
After all the Reshirams leave, Justin & the head Reshiram talk. "What is it, Reshiram?" Justin asks. "Since you are one of our best valued members of the Reshiram club here, we want you to be a part of our next big plan. We'll talk about our plans tomorrow and I'll fill you in then. Meet me at the green mansion by the big lake at 1PM tomorrow here is the address. Go to the 3rd floor, third room on the left and I'll be there" Reshiram explains to Justin. "You may leave now"
Justin exits the club and gets on his Moltres and rides his Moltres home. Upon arriving, he wonders what the big plan is for the Reshiram club. And then goes to bed.
--The next day, 30 minutes after noon.
Justin rides his Moltres to the green mansion and arrives right on schedule. He goes to the room that Reshiram told him to go to. He sees the Reshiram; she is talking to a Zekrom.
Justin speaks, "hey! I he..." Justin was interrupted by Zekrom, Zekrom yells, "An intruder! Bolt Strike!" "Zekrom!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Reshiram yells. But it was too late, the attack was initiated and it hit Justin, Justin was knocked out!
"That was our best valued member of the Reshiram Club, he was going to join us in the discussion of the merging of the Reshiram Club and the Zekrom Club, now look what you have done!!" Reshiram explains to Zekrom, Zekrom apologizes, "Sorry!!!"
"We still have time, Zekrom, hurry to the large kitchen and grab a revive from the fridge" Reshiram commanded, "Will it work on a human?" Zekrom asks. Reshiram replies, "Yes! I've done this before"
Zekrom runs and grabs the revive and uses it on Justin, Justin slowly wakes up. Zekrom speaks to Justin, "I am so sorry, we have been getting a lot of attackers lately!" Reshiram asks, "Are you OK?" Justin says in a slurred voice, "I feel woozy, weak, and a lot of pain" Reshiram says to Justin, "yeah, you definitely took a beating, this is Bolt Strike, we're talking about, and it was a direct hit!, you'll be out of commission for a few days, you need some rest"
Reshiram and Zekrom take Justin to the luxury bedroom and puts him in the bed. "We'll take turns watching over you until you recover, but Zekrom and I need to talk, I'll be back in 30 minutes" Reshiram says to Justin.
Reshiram and Zekrom go into another room, "this will delay our meeting for a few days" Reshiram says to Zekrom. "Yes, definitely. I hope this won't jeopardize our merging plans!" Zekrom replied. "Justin might protest it now!"
Reshiram returns to the room Justin is in. "I am the first to watch over you." Reshiram says to Justin. "Can you call the city's Pokemon center where I work and tell them that I won't be in for a few days?" Justin says back. "Sure!" Reshiram replies.
Reshiram calls the Pokemon Center. "Hello this is the city Pokemon center, how may I help you? The lady on the phone says. "I am calling to inform you that one of your employees, Justin Coolidge got attacked by a strong Pokemon attack and will not be able to come in to work for a few days." Reshiram says to the lady on the phone. "Oh I'm sorry to hear, he was the best! Business is usually up when he works! Not too many men are good at healing Pokemon like he is! Thanks for letting me know"
Reshiram watches over Justin for the remainder of the day. The next day Zekrom watches over Justin. Zekrom speaks with comforting words to Justin, to keep him comfortable until the next day when Reshiram watches over Justin until 5PM "Zekrom is going to watch over you for the rest of the day, I need to run the Reshiram Club today." Zekrom comes in and Reshiram returns to the Club.
--at the Reshiram Club
Reshiram speaks at the club "I am sorry to inform all of you that Justin our valued only human member is sick after being hit by a strong Pokemon attack. we will have a moment of silence ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Keep Justin in your thoughts and prayers, now to official business." the meeting continues until 8PM.
For the next few days, Reshiram and Zekrom take turns watching over Justin. Justin gets up during Zekrom's turn of watching. "Seems like you're all better now! Can I get you anything?" Zekrom asks "coffee and a bagel." Justin replies. "I am so sorry for what I've done, I want to make it up to you, here is a check for $5000, courtesy of the Zekrom Club for all your trouble." Zekrom says back.
Justin and Zekrom walk to the master living room and meet Reshiram in the room. "I see you've recovered from the Bolt Strike attack." Reshiram says to Justin. Justin replies, "I bet I would have had better luck surviving Fusion Flare." "How so?" Reshiram asks. "I ride Moltres for transportation. I've been riding Moltres for 10 years! I am around fire all the time!" Justin explains. "My Fusion Flare is more powerful than any fire of Moltres's. Don't take any chances." Reshiram said back
"We'll do this discussion we were originally going to do several days ago at 6PM today. You in, Justin? Reshiram asks. "Yes! As long as Zekrom doesn't Bolt Strike me again when I walk into the room!" Justin says. Reshiram & Zekrom say together, "I don't think you'll have that problem."
--6PM in the same room as before, third floor, third room on the left.
Reshiram opens the discussion with the following words "We were talking about combining the Reshiram Club with the Zekrom club, merging them together. Do you like that idea, Justin?" Justin replies with "yeah, I'm OK with it." Zekrom says next, "I was really worried you wouldn't want that after what I did." Justin says to Zekrom, "well, I believe in forgiveness." the discussion continues for a few hours and a decision was made to merge the clubs into one.
Reshiram says, "All we need is a name now." Justin floats the idea, "how about the ReshiramZekrom club" "good" Reshiram replies "anything else?" Zekrom says, "why not the other way around, ZekromReshiram." Justin says, "maybe, but I think ReshiramZekrom has more of a ring to it." Zekrom thinks about it for a moment then says, "Yeah it does, I like that, The ReshiramZekrom Club" after another half and hour discussion, it was agreed upon that after the merge, the club name will be The ReshiramZekrom Club."
The next day, both clubs had meetings simultaneously at their own original locations, the first time for that to ever occur. Both clubs made the announcement. Within 4 months, both clubs were fully merged into one and The ReshiramZekrom Club was born. Both locations were used, they just had two branches. both locations for there on out, had both Reshirams and Zekroms at the club during meetings, get togethers, and other fun activities" Justin himself went back and forth between the two locations, although one was a greater distance than the other, Justin still had his trusty Moltres to get there." and the club lives on!!
-- Paw Paw Michigan at Justin's house...
Justin and Jasmin sit at the kitchen counter discussing and trying to figure out how to get Justin married to a Reshiram with a Zekrom being Justin's Best Man.
Jasmin says to Justin, "Why don't we try the Reshiram and the Zekrom that has been seen all over Paw Paw the last few months?" Justin replies with "You mean the ones that the news claimed that Paw Paw was where the Reshiram and the Zekrom decided to call their home?" Jasmin says back to Justin, "I haven't heard that but I'm pretty sure we're talking about the same Reshiram & Zekrom. There aren't any others around."
Jasmin's friend Candy steps in and says "nice! That's a brilliant idea, Jasmin! Let's go into town and ask around. Someone in Paw Paw might have recently spotted those two Pokemon"
"But I only have a two seater in my car; one of us is going to have to stay back." Jasmin stated. Justin responds with "are you forgetting something?" "What?" Jasmin asks. Justin continues "I have my Moltres, I'll ride her, and you two take the car" Jasmin facepalms herself and says "That's right!!!! I totally forgot about Justin's Moltres that he rides!"
Candy and Jasmin take their vehicle while Justin follows riding his Moltres. They reach the main intersection in Paw Paw then go a couple blocks down further onto a side street. The two gets out of the car and Moltres lands and Justin gets off Moltres. The three are greeted by a police officer.
The Police officer asks, "Do you three need something?" Jasmin replies, "We are looking for the Reshiram and the Zekrom around here. Justin here wants to marry the Reshiram." the police officer responds with. "He wants to marry a Reshiram? Justin replies, "Yes I do." "Suit yourself, I wouldn't do that, but Pokemon/human marriage is legal in Michigan so I can't stop you." the officer replies. Then he continues with "what do you need the Zekrom for, then?" Jasmin says "Justin wants to..." Jasmin was interrupted by Justin, "I want the Zekrom to be the Best Man at my wedding" "I see." says the officer, "I think the guy at "That Coffee Place" down the road mentioned seeing them recently" "Thanks" the group says then they walk to That Coffee Place"
The three walk into the coffee shop and are greeted by the man behind the counter. "Welcome to That Coffee Place, can I interest you in our French Vanilla Cup 'o Joe?" he asks. Justin says "no, we are looking for the Reshiram and the Zekrom who's been in Paw Paw for the last few months. I was told you recently seen them." the man responds, "oh yes, they went into Kalamazoo to do something downtown." Justin says "thanks, we're looking for them so I can marry a Reshiram with a Zekrom being the Best Man at the wedding." "No prob." says the guy behind the counter.
The group walks out of the coffee shop and back to the car. "Ok let's head to downtown Kalamazoo. You follow on Moltres, Justin." says Jasmin. The two go into Kalamazoo. It took 25 minutes to get there.
"Let's ask someone here in the Radisson Hotel, here." Justin says. Jasmin and Candy go into the Hotel and talks to the clerk "hey, we're looking for a Reshiram and a Zekrom that needed to get something done here in Kalamazoo." the clerk responds. "The Zekrom is at Kalamazoo Metal Recyclers, to do some of his own experiments with electricity. Don't know where the Reshiram is though." Candy says "thanks!"
The two girls walk out and tell Justin what they found out. "Let's go there; if Zekrom is still there, he'll probably know where Reshiram is." Justin states. The three head over there.
Zekrom is here! I see him standing in front of that huge pile of metal." Justin says. The three go and talk to them.
"Hey, Zekrom." Justin addresses Zekrom. "Can't you see I'm busy, what" Zekrom replies. Justin continues, "Have you seen Reshiram?" I want to marry a Reshiram, and you Zekrom, you'll be my Best Man at the wedding." Zekrom replies back, "Haven't seen the Reshiram in three days. She's in Paw Paw." Justin says to Zekrom, "we just came from Paw Paw, we were told Kalamazoo, we found you, but not Reshiram. But we'll go back to Paw Paw and search some more." "I'm coming with you; I am worried about Reshiram now." Zekrom states. Justin says, "you can come with, follow alongside me while I ride my Moltres back to Paw Paw."
The three head back to Paw Paw, the girl's in the car, Justin riding his Moltres, Zekrom flying right next to Justin and Moltres. They return to That Coffee Place in Paw Paw.
The man behind the counter greets them once again, "I see your back, and did you have any luck finding the Reshiram and the Zekrom?" Justin responds, "We found the Zekrom but not the Reshiram, the Zekrom said the Reshiram should still be in Paw Paw." "Sorry to hear, I don't know if this'll help any, but knowing Reshiram is fire type, you might what to see if the Paw Paw Fire Department knows anything." says the man behind the counter.
The three walk to the fire department, and so does Zekrom, a fire fighter greets them, "can I help you with something" "do you know the whereabouts of the Reshiram?" Justin asks. The fireman responds "we dealt with a lawn fire involving the Reshiram at the group home 8 blocks down. Ask them."
The four go to the group home and are greeted by a girl named Dawn who owns the place. "I heard your lawn was destroyed by the Reshiram recently, do you know where the Reshiram is now?" Justin asks. Dawn Responds, "a guy named Doug here hired a guy to throw Reshiram into Lake Michigan encaged at 4PM today in South Haven to kill it, because what it did to our lawn,"
Justin looks at his cell-phone clock then says, "We need to hurry, we still have time to rescue Reshiram, Let go quick!!!" Zekrom says in an angered voice to Dawn "If we cannot get to Reshiram in time to save her, Mark My Word! I will come back here and use Bolt Strike on both you and that Doug guy!"
The four leave very hastily and head towards south haven. As usual the girls are in the car. Justin is riding his Moltres and Zekrom flying right next to Justin and Moltres.
five miles into the trip, Justin receives a CB call from his friend Kayla, "hey Justin, I heard what is going on, and how you need to rescue Reshiram, I have a warning for you, your rival on Zapdos is in the Bangor area, which you'll be passing by, be aware and be on the lookout for her, you don't need an attack race challenge when there is an emergency like this!!" Kayla warns Justin. "Ten Four, I Copy" Justin responds
Another 10 miles Justin reaches the Bangor area, he sees his rival flying parallel to him in a distance, Justin quiets his Moltres. Justin and his rival fly parallel for another 5 miles while Justin gets more nervous, until his rival comes in to land somewhere. Justin and Zekrom gain altitude to avoid being spotted from the ground. Another few miles Justin declares himself safe. The party travels 10 more miles and reaches the big Lake Michigan. Moltres and Justin land on the beach, and so does Zekrom.
"We're not too late!" Justin yells. The helicopter with Reshiram in the cage is hovering above the water. Reshiram roars loudly and angrily. Zekrom says. "Reshiram can talk like I can but she's probably too scared and angered to speak, so she is just roaring. But how do we free her?" "Zekrom you get close enough to the cage, Monitor Reshiram and calm her down, I'll get on my Moltres and try to take on the copter, you catch Reshiram, and then bring her to safety." Justin replies. "Zekrom then replies back, "Good Plan, let's put this in action"
Justin gets on Moltres and flies towards the copter, Moltres blows fire continuously to destroy the copter, the copter fires back. "Justin, Be careful. The copter is armed." Zekrom yells.
After 20 minutes the copter is destroyed. Reshiram's cage falls. "Gotcha" Zekrom grabs the cage and takes it to the beach. Reshiram slowly calms down.
Justin frees the Reshiram, and adores Reshiram's pretty blue eyes. Reshiram thanks Justin endlessly and hugs Justin with its wings. "Is there anything and I mean anything I can do for you? You saved my life. Reshiram pleaded. Justin responds, "I want your hand or in this case your wing in marriage." "Done!" Reshiram says. "The Zekrom will be my Best Man at our wedding." Justin Continues. "I like that, thanks for choosing my best friend." said Reshiram.
A couple of Months later Justin and Reshiram get married and Zekrom was the Best Man at the wedding. The Pastor says his words; Justin and Reshiram kiss, and were pronounced husband and Wife. They loved each other and lived a happy long successful Pokemon/human marriage.
Married Reshiram Interview
The radio announcer speaks, "Next up, we are going to talk to a man who married a Pokémon. Yes, really. We will be back after a word from our sponsors."
The radio announcer continues "Welcome back to Pokémon Alternative 99.7 FM. in the studio we have a man named Justin Coolidge, who said "I Do." with a Reshiram. Is this right, Justin?"
Justin responds, "Yes, I did marry a Reshiram. In fact our love is strong."
The announcer asks, "What is it like being married to a Fire Type Pokémon?"
Justin responds, "I cannot count the amount of times I was asked that same very question. Well anyway, I don't really think it is any different that a typical marriage. Aside from my Reshiram wife can keep me warm in winter. I hate cold temperatures."
"Is this the only reason why you married a Reshiram?" asked the announcer. You don't find too many Pokémon/human marriages, there is got to be some reason." asked the announcer
Justin responds, "No! I love Reshiram and she loves me, it is more just her keeping me warm. It's true love!"
"You love your Pokémon wife don't you" asked the announcer "even though she is a Pokémon"
"Yes I do, love is love, it doesn't matter if one is a human and the other is a Pokémon, as long as you love each other." Justin replied
"so, being married to a legendary Pokémon, not to mention she is a lot bigger than you and a lot more powerful too, does it make living, life, and activities harder to do together?" asked the announcer
"No actually, it makes it more interesting actually. Especially the love making. As for Reshiram being so powerful, she is overly protective of me and I like it." Justin answered
The radio station phone rings and the announcer's assistant answers it. Justin's wife Reshiram is at the other end of the line."
"Hey, Corey" (the announcer's name) "this is Justin's wife, Reshiram. Yeah we love each other lots, and I protect him with dear life. I have been listening to your conversation with my husband. As you said, I am a powerful legendary Pokémon and that is why I protect him. 80% of Pokémon are liable to take a human down in one attack. So I am overly protective of him." Justin's wife Reshiram explains
"That's right!" Justin says "it is a dangerous world out there with lots of powerful Pokémon"
The announcer asks, "How did you two meet?"
"We met when my foot was trapped in a trap. And Justin freed me. I never left his side since. Our relationship just grew and grew until it became love. Thankfully, Pokémon/human marriage is legal in our area." Reshiram explained
Justin adds, "It was like we were meant for each other, every day and ever minute we just clicked." I wonder if Arceus had that trap thing happen for a reason!"
"I was wondering that myself! You see announcer? It is things like that that proves we were meant to be!" Reshiram stated
"Totally amazing!" the announcer said loudly "I have never heard of Pokémon/human marriage that was meant to be!"
"Now you have!" Reshiram and Justin said at the same time.
Agai... Justin and Reshiram start talking at the same time. "Go ahead, Reshiram" Justin says
Reshiram continues, "See how we said that at the same time, another example! You are seeing examples just on this radio interview you are having with Justin. You have to be convinced by now!"
"I am!" the announcer stated. "I am impressed"
"Pokémon/Human marriages do work!" Justin says
"Yes they do, you are 100% Justin" Reshiram adds
"You are more love in your Pokémon/Human marriage than some of those Human/Human traditional marriages."
"Exactly!" Reshiram and Justin says at the same time
The announcer says "I guess another example; you two just said that at the same time again! Holy cow!"
"We love each other" they both say at the same time again
"OK, I know for a fact now it is meant to be!" you know each other like a book!" the announcer says " well that's all the time we have right now, thank you for listening to Pokémon Alternative 99.7. And lets all thank Justin and Reshiram for this interview."
After the whole radio show is over and the ratings were in. the interview gets high ratings.