Murder

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Not such a bad a way to go
Blunt instruments are commonly used to end lovers' spats

For those who live OTI, just consider murder an IRL permaban. Refers to the premeditated killing of one human by another human (usually). Being completely and utterly, undeniably pwned by another individual. Some people find the need to murder themselves; this is referred to as suicide. If they create profound internet drama in the course of doing so, this makes them an hero.

The most common motive is hatred of the victim by the murderer, with the second most common being the stupidity of the victim and third most being the desire to be subject matter on CSI. The prevailing method is violence. The typical result is death, although not always the death of the would-be victim. Some argue that all murders are committed by niggers, but it is actually the smaller black population that gives this appearance.

Unsolved murders are left alone to "age" in a casket of oak for many years, thus earning the name "cold case". Murder connoisseurs say the primary difference is in the scent of the murder, and that aging can bring out many subtle flavors usually missed by the palate. If stored incorrectly, however, aging can cause the murder to go stale, resulting in lulz loss.

Rape and murder often go hand in hand. In this case, the motive is not hatred of the victim but simply the need to shut her the fuck up.

PROTIP: if you are ever on trial for murder, pleading "I did it for the lulz" will instantly make it justifiable.  Try it.

"Premeditated"

Premeditated.

There is some debate as to whether premeditation (meditating before killing) actually helps. 90% of murderers report that it does not, 1% are ninjas, and 2% believe that "you should experiment and find what's right for you." The rest were killed by their victims and were unable to partake in the survey.

Another interesting fact is that the majority of murder victims know the person who kills them. Therefore being a sad basement dweller with no friends might be a good survival strategy, just not for humanity,because you can't reproduce that way, its called natural selection. Then again, what about that goldfish in your room...

Not to be confused with premedicated.

How to off your family

Pool Party

  1. Have a pool party at your house with your immediate family
  2. Put roofies in the drinks
  3. Wait for family to fall asleep
  4. Duct tape them to Pool chairs
  5. Push chairs into the pool of flamethrowing fires
  6. ????
  7. GRAB THE MONEY YOU FUCKIN' JEW!

Ergotism

  1. Plant wheat or rye.
  2. Infect plants with ergot fungus
  3. Harvest plants
  4. Mill wheat or rye into a flour
  5. Bake into bread
  6. Feed bread to family
  7. If best results happen, laugh your ass off as your morbidly obese family drops dead from heart attacks and strokes as they dance themselves to death
  8.  ? ? ?
  9. Get the loot and scoot you sick fuck.

Note: This only is known to work if the victims belong to a crazy Christfag cult.

BBQ

  1. Drug family
  2. Tie them up.
  3. Put them in a vehicle.
  4. Chain doors shut
  5. Apply gasoline to vehicle.
  6. Wait for them to wake up.
  7. Set car on Fire
  8. Videotape and livestream it.
  9. Go to the masturbasement later on so you can jack off to your masterpiece.

Note: If you have a cute sister, step 3 should be your videotaping her rape which is followed by step 4, you're uploading it to youtube to show everyone how hardcore and metal you are. Remember to dedicate your video to someone like Ozzy Osbourne for max media awareness.

Dubai Style

  1. Crush sleeping pills. Real ones like Ambien or temazopam. You may substitute ketamine or actual flunitrazepam.
  2. Process chunks into powder.
  3. Begin preparing dinner, heat up to 43C max in oil pan, add tomato sauce. Mix.
  4. Serve food.
  5. Act like nothing is happening while avoiding eating.
  6. Listen to your son saying "This is the best dinner with my parents that I love."
  7. Say in your mind "Everything is for Freemasonry."
  8. Your son falls asleep suddenly slamming his head to the table - Just like how it happened to his older sister ~18 years ago.
  9. Ask butlers to take him to his room as he's tired.
  10. Bribe coroner telling him "I am Dubai Sheikh, wanna die? Write down it was from a heart attack" and dumping bag containing an ounce of coke on his desk.
  11. Fill Application Form of Personal Army request so you could spread fake news of cocaine overdose.
  12. Write poetry on how saddened you are about your son's death to make things look fine.
  13. One less supporter of Anonymous is dead.
  14. CongratuFuckingLations you are officially known as The Murderer.

Japanese Style

  1. Get appointed Prime Minister or some other high ranking government position.
  2. Spectacularly fuck up
  3. Kill a family with a shotgun.
  4. Write apology to Japanese people
  5. Take a knife, cut open your stomach and pull out your innards.
  6.  ? ? ?
  7. You're dead but at least your family isn't dishonored.

Sleepy Time

  1. Wait until family falls asleep
  2. Get your knife
  3. Stab them
  4. ????
  5. Cut yourself

Lawn Work

  1. Knock Family out
  2. Tie them up
  3. put them on front yard
  4. Turn on lawnmower
  5. run heads over
  6. ?????

Hanging out

  1. Find a sturdy tree and tie several nooses around it
  2. tie up family
  3. hang them from tree nooses(just like christmas)
  4. snuff it

House Painting

  1. Reveal father of the family that he's next
  2. Knock him out
  3. family wakes up all tied up
  4. murder family with axe
  5. paint wall with their blood
  6. ???

Hate-Based

Most of our adorable pets are considering it

Murder against particular ethnic groups has existed since the beginning of time. The largest hate-based mass-murder to date is the Holocaust, however Hitler did it for the lulz and has no pix so it doesn't count, and no, Holocaust Porn is merely anecdotal. The largest occurrence of hate-based murder not fueled by lulz was the 9/11 attacks carried out by the Jews. The Armenian Genocide is another great example of mass-hate-murder.

Killing lots of people need not be the only type of hate-crime, however. Sometimes a few, well-placed killings will be enough to make members of the target group fear for their lives and thus no longer bother you. However, the murderer must be sure to make the killing obvious, as people will not get his message if such murders are hidden. Ways of accomplishing this include:

PROTIP: Leave the body (or bodies) for others to find, as this generates maximum lulz.

Famous Murderers

Nuvola
Moar info: Template:High Scores.
Nuvola
Moar info: Template:Psychopaths.
Murder is best when done for the lulz.
Idea for a song: Murder. A guy... A guy gets murdered. And eaten. At an all-you-can-eat buffet. Uhhhhh... Oh! And that happens forever. Yeah.

Individuals

Mary Bell at 16, You'd fuck her.

Groups

Entities

Victims of Murder

Those scene kid fucktards.

People who deserve to be murdered

See Also

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Best. Defence. Ever.


[Stop shooting!Pull the trigger]
Murder is part of a series on Gun Control
Locus in quo:

Colorado Theatre Shooting πŸ”« Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre πŸ”« Chris Dorner πŸ”« Elliot Rodger πŸ”« David Long πŸ”« Umpqua Community College Shooting πŸ”« Sandniggers in Paris πŸ”« San Bernardino shooting πŸ”« Pulse Nightclub Massacre πŸ”« Randy Stair πŸ”« Las Vegas Shooting πŸ”« Sutherland Springs shooting πŸ”« Marjory Stoneman Douglas School Shooting πŸ”« Youtube shooting πŸ”« Santa Fe High School Shooting πŸ”« Capital Gazette Shooting πŸ”« Jacksonville Shooting πŸ”« Synagogue of Doom πŸ”« Christchurch mosque attacks πŸ”« Virginia Beach Shooting πŸ”« Kyoto Animation πŸ”« Gilroy Garlic Festival πŸ”« El Paso Walmart Shooting πŸ”« Dayton shooting πŸ”« Odessa shooting

Supporters

Barack Obama πŸ”« Christians πŸ”« Concerned Mothers πŸ”« Democrats πŸ”« Dianne Feinstein πŸ”« Government πŸ”« The Kennedys πŸ”« Kurt Eichenwald πŸ”« Faggots πŸ”« Liberals πŸ”« Michael Bloomberg πŸ”« Jews πŸ”« SJWs πŸ”« Sensitive people πŸ”« Trayvon Martin πŸ”« Tara Strong πŸ”« Quinton Reviews

Main ideas:

Gun πŸ”« Assault rifle πŸ”« Gun Control πŸ”« Murder πŸ”« Arson πŸ”« Bombs πŸ”« Mass Shooting πŸ”« School Shooting πŸ”«

Haters gonna hate:

Daisy Hogg πŸ”« Killers πŸ”« Republicans

Acts of revenge:

Boston Marathon Bombing πŸ”« Sandniggers in Paris πŸ”« Ariana Grande Massacre πŸ”« London Bridge Attack 2017 πŸ”« Capital Gazette Shooting πŸ”«

Objectors:

Charlton Heston πŸ”« James Holmes πŸ”« NRA πŸ”« Osama bin Laden πŸ”« Republicans πŸ”« People planning a massacre

Pre-2012 Gun Massacres

Columbine πŸ”« Γ‰cole Polytechnique πŸ”« Dawson College πŸ”« Virginia Tech Massacre πŸ”« Austin, Texas πŸ”« NIU Valentine's Day Massacre πŸ”« Jeff Weise πŸ”« Hungerford Massacre πŸ”« Anders Behring Breivik

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Murder
is part of a series on

Life

[BRB HugboxGo Live One]

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Real Life Objects

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Real Life Happenings

AbortionsAdvanced PlacementApril Fool's DayChristmasClubbingDeathDiseaseEasterHalloweenIncestJobsMass ShootingsMurderPay it Forward WeekendPregnanciesProtestsSexSchoolSleepSportsSuicideTraffic ControllersWage GapWar

People In Your Life

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See Also

The Comprehensive Guide To LifeIRLList of Proposed Internet-Based IRL CommunitiesMinimalismNight AuditorPokΓ©mon Go

Featured article September 23 & 24, 2018
Preceded by
Mitchell Henderson
Murder Succeeded by
Neil Gaiman's Sandman