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Kobe Bryant

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This article contains Niggas!

O rly?
You gonna get...well, you know.
Some experts believe Kobe got off the hook due to his uncanny ability to win people over by slapping them in the face with his nuts.
There goes that whole secret identity thing.
See? He LOOKS really sorry.
Ms. Faber wasn't the only one to benefit financially from the incident

Kobe Bryant is a typical uppity-ass nigger and all-star NBA Basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers who looks like a Doberman Pinscher. He spent a large portion of his childhood in Italy where his father was playing professionally, which automatically made him a white-washed mulatto guidofaggot. He returned to the states to play high school basketball, where he was instantly hailed as the boss nigger and acquired via illegal labor practices by the Lakers. In 2003, while rehabilitating from knee surgery at a Colorado Spa, Bryant had consensual sex with a white woman and then raped her in the ass.


Rape Ape

Kobe was arrested and interrogated by police and then released back into the wild where he scored a team high 28 points and added 7 rebounds in the Laker victory. The spa incident looked like an open and shut case for the prosecution because the victim was a white wiminz and Bryant was an oogily-boogily nigger. However, the accuser, whose identity was to remain super-secret, turned out to be batshit insane and a likely nymphomaniac. In short, it turned out that Kobe had raped a whore (which is pretty much theft). The victim refused to testify against Kobe out of fear of revealing her identity and the fact that she was a total skeezer. That didn't really matter though, as her real name, Katelyn Faber, and her pictures were already well known on the internets.

Ebony and ivory eventually agreed to an out-of-court settlement; Kobe hoping not to go to jail and suffer the ironic fate of being buttraped by the White Kingdom, and Faber hoping to get a shitload of unearned money from a hard-working black man.

The Settlement

As compensation for the rape, Kobe agreed to pay the victim for her services, scored 81 points in a basketball game, and tacked on a typical nigger apology:

"Although I truly believe this encounter between us was only almost rape, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did. If I had known better I still would have just raped her but I probably would have only done it for the lulz."


—Kobe Bryant

After the incident, Bryant was dumped from his endorsement deals and had to give a lulzy press conference where he pretended to cry and say he loved his wife for reals despite all the raping, rapes and rape.

It is quite unfortunate that the case never went to trial as lulzy details of the encounter would have been made public record. Details such as:

  • This wasn't the first time Kobe had cheated on his wife and he bragged to the police about getting away with numerous extramarital affairs.
  • The victim had semen from at least 100 different men on her underwear at the time of the rape.
  • Bryant had to choke a bitch during the rape because of his injured knee.
  • It was consensual sex until Kobe decided to stick it in her ass.

Tips from the Big Man

During the investigation, Kobe told police that "he should have done what Shaq does ... that Shaq would pay his women to not say anything" and that Shaq already had paid up to $1 million "for situations like this." [1] Shaq, disappointed in Bryant's inability to take good advice, promptly deleted Kobe from his buddy list then raped 3 Philippine women to spite him. Kobe and the Love-Shaq have since reconciled their differences in order to continue making millions of dollars from advertising a fucking shoe manufactured by repressed Chinese faggots.

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Featured article June 22 & 23, 2013
Preceded by
Kobe Bryant Succeeded by
Paula Deen
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