THEY WERE NOT ALL DEAD. THE ISLAND AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON IT WAS REAL. THE FLASH-SIDEWAYS WAS ESSENTIALLY PURGATORY, NOT AN ALTERNATE REALITY; THE SIDEWAYS OCCURRED AFTER EVERYONE HAD DIED.
LOST: The Game
SPOILER ALERT: EVERYONE IS DEAD
LOST is an award-winning show about a bunch of whiny fucktards stuck on an island in the internets written by several Star Wars fanbois. The only lulzworthy character in this show is John Locke. Mainly, it's Gilligan's Island with moar drama, moar fucktards and no funny. The show should be renamed The John Locke Hour because the only reason people watch the show is to see him fuck up shit for the lulz.
It's a huge success online, due to the fact that the main characters include a fat underachiever, a genuine fruit loop, and a cunt who thinks that he's always right. The fact that the writers introduce a retarded twist in every episode is viewed as a redeeming quality amongst fans of low-quality drama. The show has a huge following among basement dwellers.
Due to the fact that many gay and/or retarded people who spend way too much time on the internets identify with the show, it has become an old meme in record time. One of its unifying themes centers around crying.
The Episodes, The Dramaz
How to make a retarded TV show
The lost producers, Jew and friends pulled off an interesting stunt. He and his idiot friends got around their three-foot graffix water bong and came up with a concept of an island inhabited by some hippies who do goofy science shit, or something. Being the mid 2000s and nothing else on TV was all that great, ABC gave it the greenlight and pretty soon they were writing a show. However, they ran out of ideas so they decided to take a cue from the Airport series. Much like Airport 1977 "The Long Version" (shown on TBS every 3 weeks), they decided to include flashbacks of every single character from every god damn phase of life. They did this until the producers could browse enough internet forums to find the coolest, wackiest plot ideas their viewers could come up with. The best idea won and was then integrated into the script. They kept this up for years until the ending which they drew up on an Ether binge, the end. Because even the writers don't understand it either.
SPOILER ALERT: EVERYONE IS DEAD
- Jack: Whiny bitch and possible skinhead. Although he is a surgeon, he has so far botched every operation. He married the only survivor of his medical skillz, who in turn cheated on him because he doesn't have a penis. On the island, he has continued his tradition of crying about not being able to "save everyone". We know, Jack, we know. John Locke pwns Jack in every possible way. Only faggots and some girls think Jack is the main character instead of Locke. Has a sister asking for some incest on the island (you know what to do, Jack). Also at the very end of the show he dies after killing the smoke monster. Good job retard.
- Kate: A wanted criminal and an emotional bitch with beaver teeth who can't make up her mind. Later in the series she gets in Sawyer's panties. Main purpose on the show is to cause angst and get kidnapped by Others, but now agrees that Jack is as crazy as John Locke for thinking it's his destiny to destroy the island. Otherwise, Kate is there to stand around and yell at Jack for doing it wrong and fucking her favorite boytoys. She even took part in a 10 on 1 gangbang in a deleted scene.
- Sawyer: Redneck. Enjoys eating polar bear food and has a porn collection somewhere. Actual name is James. He picked the name Sawyer because that was the name of the man who molested and killed his mommy and daddy. Makes up nicknames for people on the island and trolls people's inherent character flaws for the lulz. Like Jack, he refuses to grow a full beard. Jumped out of a rescue helicopter because there was too much extra weight on it, rather than throw that fat turd Hurley out like a real man. Ends up fucking Juliet, Kate, and Ana Lucia—or—every girl Jack wanted to fuck. High-fives all around. Also fucks Charlotte in ghost epilogue, although she looked like a ghost while alive.
- Locke: Bad ass skinhead box worker who likes going chicken hunting and he will fuck your shit up! Only purpose on the show is to cause lulz by killing a main character every three episodes. Tried to kill himself because he saw his pathetic life had no meaning, but later changed his mind and Ben finished the job. Dead but
will return(ed)RRRESPAWN! after fucking up enough shit in hell. Allowed Satan to take over his body so they could wreck shit as one entity. Or, more likely, he was Satan all along. Died 3 or 4 times—who really gives a shit, he's still fucking shit up.
- Hurley: Fat Mexican also known as Hugo, who won the lottery after working in an empanadas store. He then proceeded to burn his house down and break his mother's leg. Then he turned himself in to a mental institution. Since then he has moved on to more productive things, like sneaking around eating tubs of ranch dressing and crying about being fat. Holds a guitar case, not yet revealed, but it's obviously full of fat fuck food. Later it was revealed to be a wooden Egyptian symbol, which Hurley ate because he's a fatass. He also becomes the new Jacob.
- Michael: Nigra. Known for stealing watches and watermelon. Also
yells forabandoning his son in typical black fashion. Left the island after his stash of KFC was blown up by Locke. Only line in the whole series was "MAH BOI!!!", repeated over 9000 times an episode. He returned to the island, but nobody gave a shit.
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- Walt: Is actually Walt Disney, but came back as a black person, and does creepy shit like kill Shannon, which is a good thing. John Locke stalks him so he can be the world's craziest wheelchair pedophile. Basically has nothing else to do but tell his father to GTFO because he told Walt he killed two women as the actors were due to be killed off because they got raped. Meanwhile, Ben and Hurley kidnapped him from a mental hospital to visit his dead father, because he forgot some left over KFC.
- Mr. Eko: An African heroin-transporting priest who encourages Charlie to build a church on the island. One of the few characters that was actually cool, but inevitably died simply because he was a nigra. He was killed by a random, black smog monster that came out of Locke's ass.
- Jin and Sun: Azns. Jin was a hitman for Mr. Roboto, a.k.a. Suns father. Meanwhile, Sun was banging a penis headed businessman who throws himself out a window after having sex with Sun because he doesn't want to be a father. Plot twist: Jin is now alive even though he trusted a nigger to defuse a bomb rather than set it off, and saved himself from becoming another racist death, which would have added more lulz.
- Lapidus: The main character of the show. An alcoholic pilot with over 9000 feet of chest hair. He personally blew up the Ferarri on Miami Vice. He was killed off-screen by a door lol. He makes a comeback in the finale where he trolls Richard and Miles into fixing a plane for him after they save him. Believed by many to be the younger brother of Epic Beard Man. Crashed plane shortly after leaving island.
- Keamy: A ruthless mercenary who shoots Alex and doesn't afraid of anything. Led a mission to capture Ben because he is the only person even remotely as creepy as him. He makes great eggs.
- Boone: Locke's bitch. Tries too hard to become a main character on the show and gets himself killed while trying to steal a stash of heroin from a crashed airplane. Actually fucked his sister before crashing on the island and was a gay porn star specializing in German scheisse (scat) videos on the interwebs.
- Charlie: Pronounced "Chah-ley". Heroin addict, brainwashed Mr. Eko follower, and bassist in the fictional band Driveshaft. All he ever does is redeem himself and try to drown Claire's BAAAEE-BEEEEE!!!!. Fucks Jack's sister Clair. While completely stoned, he hears that Frodo Baggins is in a secret underwater base and goes down to save him. Drowns in the process after realizing it's too late and that Hobbits can't swim.
- Claire: Mocked constantly for having a ridiculously nasally voice, always whining about CHAAAARHHHLLIEEEE!!!! and bitching about her BAAAEE-BEEEEE!!!!, Aaron, a.k.a. Turnip Head. She is the only Australian on a flight originating from Australia. She's dead or a ghost or some shit like that, recently reappeared as she enjoyed her former emo life in the dark rape cabin with her father. She is now the second coming of the French jungle bitch, and also fat.
- Sayid: Iraqi with 1337 skillz. Torturer. Breaks necks with his feet for the lulz. Always finding new things to triangulate. Every woman he falls in love with ends up murdered. Did Benjamin's bidding and killed many people—including himself—because he's too retarded to realize he's a tool. Recently became Darth Vader after The Monster offered to bring his dead girlfriend back to life. He later had a change of heart and went an hero to save every one else's lives, or because he is muslim and that's just what muslims do.
- Juliet: Former porn star and fertility doctor who's known for killing women and their babies on the island. Likes to read books and share her opinions on them with other people in her book club. Once had lesbian sex with Angelina Jolie. On the island, hooks up with Sawyer, which is unfortunate for everybody who isn't Sawyer. Ends up pwning the population of the pregnant woman at the end of the Dharmaville season, but manages to have a death soliloquy in spite of having been right next to a nuclear explosion. Her death causes Sawyer to turn into a drunk emo with shit stained underwear.
- Benjamin Linus: Wheelchair cubbyhole-hidin' bitch-ass baton-wielding motherfucka that plays head games and lies about everything because he is too creepy and annoying to have friends. Rumored to have genetically inherited eyes from an insect. Had a crush on Juliet and was rejected for being too damn ugly and a creeper. He killed her love interest on the island because he's a jealous, manipulative bastard. Also, had his own daughter killed by accident because he's a manipulative bastard who's willing to gamble the lives of even those he gives a shit about. Father of Hannibal Lecter. Gassed his dad and threw Locke in a mass grave after he shot him. Now he is John Locke's pet bunny.
- Alex: Danielle's long lost hot 16 year old daughter that was kidnapped by The Others: possibly so Ben can make a vest out of her flesh. The first character in TV history to actually get shot in one of those scenes where somebody is pointing a gun at them and threatening somebody else that they'll "totally do it"; Keamy actually did it. What a badass.
- Desmond: Was shipwrecked on the island and spent three years in a hatch pushing a button and fapping with Dharma ranch dressing. Inevitably doomed everyone and made the Oceanic flight crash when he failed to do his job. Calls everyone "brotha", likely because he was a monk for around three days. Was once a member of the Royal Scots Regiment. Had visions of Charlie dying, and knows where lightning is going to strike. Predicted 9/11 and 2012. Has epic seizures where he goes back in time and Daniel Faraday tries to get him to save everyone. The only character to get a happy ending (the actor's reward for molesting cast members).
- Ana Lucia: A dyke bitch with a bad attitude who likes to abuse her power. Put on the island after failing at being a cop and actress. Realizing she also starred in a crappy Resident Evil movie, Michael decided to shoot her. Fortunately, she died after being pounded by Sawyer in the jungle.
- Libby: A skinny Psychiatrist. Stopped Hurley from sinking the island by throwing himself off a cliff. Fell in love with him to make him feel better about his ranch sauce addiction and his inferiority complex. Purposely got herself killed to avoid commitment. Because she's dead Hurley will die alone. The producers/writers say that she'll never be seen again, as they continue to make up shit as they go along as they never explained why she was in the mental home, other reasons she's a cunt.
- Shannon: Incestuous cum slut and sister of Boone. Was glad when he died because he was constantly in her grill about shit. Fell in love with Sayid and made plans with him to build a sand fort together in Iraq. Was shot by Ana Lucia because she didn't know how to STFU while walking in the jungle.
- Bernard and Rose: Old, fat white guy and his bootylicious black person wife. According to the writers, they were forced to edit out many potentially sexy love scenes. Possibly removed because, on a timetravelling island with smoke monsters and polar bears, it would be too much of a stretch to think that Bernard can still get it up.
- Crazy French Lady: Danielle, some old crackwhore, who runs around being dirty and savage. Excels in staring at the camera crazily. Steals from Sawyer's porn collection and Charlie's pot stash, then blames "The Others" for doing it. Wife of Tarzan. Recently pwned by a bullet through her tit. Returns in Dharmaville time to tell the story of how she pwned her team because there was no anti-crazy antidote.
- Daniel Faraday: Neckbeard batshit scientist. Probably has assburgers. He feels the need to wear a tie on an island in the middle of fucking nowhere, as an example of pure nerdiness. Probably got beat up and had his lunch money stolen often as a kid.
- Miles: Azn disciple of Kenneth Eng and Cho Seung-Hui fanboi. Also a ghostbuster. He finds ghosts with his weird-ass vacuum thing. Don't ask. Locke made him eat a grenade because he hates mud races. Son of Dr. Candle/Wickman/Wackface/Chinkman or some shit like that. Died on Ajira plane.
- Charlotte: Ginger cunt from the UK. Got a nosebleed from eating chocolate and died, and was raped by Daniel as a child in a deleted scene, as she was asking for it.
- The Monster: Giant black cloud. Does nothing but kill people who are about to reveal answers. Recently revealed to be the final boss of the island, he took Locke's form and recruited people for his eeeevil purposes. His true name has not yet been revealed so fans have come to call him at least 100 different things including The Man in Black, Flocke, Esau, Smokey, and Jacob's Nemesis. Mostly used as a cheap plot device by the fucktarded, uncreative writers.
- Jacob: King of the island, his true face was revealed in the finale of season 5. And is a stalker and a pedophile. Also the reason behind most of Benjamin's angst, because he never seems interested in him or his ego. Later passes the torch to Jack who 10 minutes later, in a brilliant tactical decision, made Hurly the new Jacob.
- Arzt: Highscool teacher who loves spiders, appeared in one episode where he BAWWWW'd about being a background character and wanted to do more. Then proceeded to get his ass blown to shit, proving that its safer to be a nobody. Except for that one time they killed all of them.
- Tom Friendly: Colossal faggot redneck and probable bear. Wanted to prison rape Sawyer, so Sawyer eventually shot him, as everyone thought he was the real Sawyer.
- Jim Robinson from Neighbours: In a fail attempt to hide from worldwide typecasting by starring in all known americunt TV shows and movies. Winner of the 1993 Nobel Prize and Shatner award for most over the top acting, and at least 100% likely to die of an epic lulz heart attack at any moment.
- Frogurt: Sold frozen yogurt off the island, but denied this fact to Hurley to avoid the inevitable consequences. Got pwned by a flaming arrow. Also wore a red shirt before getting pwned to death (Star Trek ripoff, anyone?).
- Vincent: A cute puppy dog. Jacob, God, or the Cloverfield monster hiding in a dog's body. Has magic powers to lick its own balls and never get hungry. Always disappears and then conveniently reappears to boost moral when everybody wants to kill themselves.
- Penny: Hot piece of ass who was almost replaced by a cardboard cutout because all of her scenes feature her staring wide-eyed at Desmond while being completely unimportant to the plot—she was trying to find the island, but Charles Widmore beat her to it without even trying very hard. Ben wants to kill her, probably because Juliet rejected him and he can't get a piece of ass of his own. The only person shown in the entire fucking show that doesn't end up dying. Truly an anomaly.
- Christian Shephard: Has a more religiously symbolic name than Jesus Christ. Off the island, he lets his bitch-ass son Jack push him around because he got caught drinking while performing surgery (who doesn't?). On the island, has fun by making Jack chase him off a cliff. Places bets with Jacob about whether or not he can convince Locke to do dumb shit like "move the island" and jump into a well. Meets his son in the ghost world to convince him to have a massive slow moving circlejerk.
- Eloise Hawking: Old hag who tells Desmond to GTFO to the island or Earth is pwned by 2012. Is the mother of Daniel Faraday, and will always love him. Had old people sex with Widmore. Due to go the same way as Widmore when they both get Aids together for the lulz and die. Forced the rescued survivors to go back to the island (but that's what dumb ass Jack doesn't think, thanks for the tip, Sayid.).
Doing it for the lulz
J. J. Abrams as a result of this show, was outed as being moot. In the ultimate act of trolling, put on his best trollface when concocting the story arc of Lost. Until the series finale, this long-suspected fact was often disputed. However, once the show ended and ultimately revealed nothing (and as such, disappointing a legion of fans), it was proven that he simply did it for the lulz.
It also corroborates the notion that (much like The Island actually purgatory), that /b/ is, in fact, actually Hell.
Gallery of Lost Gheys
Gay Fandom Stuff
- Triangle: Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, the hot threeway action Lost fans wish they had.
- Jate: Jack+Kate shipping. Has a knack for disregarding reality. Kate already fucked Sawyer, so this pairing fails.
- Skate: Same, but filled with filthy furries. (Hence Josh Holloway's "razor-free" stubble.)
- Jew: Sawyer+Juliet shipping. Canon now that the two have had sex.
- PBJ: Claire and Charlie. Most fanfiction includes crossover mpreg storylines. Total gay.
- Cocke: Claire and Locke, e.g. a fifty year old man and a pregnant teenager. One of the sickest.
- Sayid: Towelhead+Pro-ana. Shannon died, but deranged fanfic authors tend to do "Ghost Sayid" stories before their mom catches them in the basement.
- Shoone: The most fucked up of the bunch, this features legal incest. Unfortunately it's canon since Boone actually screwed his sister in one episode.
- Smoke Monster/Vincent: Yep, even fucked up things like animals might want to fuck some Puffyfaggot.
- Rescued: The characters actually do end up getting rescued sometime. But when they return they're hit with their pathetic fucking lives, huge tax bills and decided to go back to the island to escape the bills.
SPOILER ALERT: EVERYONE IS DEAD
—Typical Lostpedia User, A theory on why the polar bears attacked Sawyer in the first episode.
In an unbelievable turn of events those wacky creators decided to kill off fucking everyone! All the cast members (even the retards who died in season 1) get brought back just to have a slow motion circle jerk in a church while Jack slowly gets banned from the island. They will be talking about this one for years!
Lost IMDb Board
SPOILER ALERT: EVERYONE IS DEAD
A truly bizarre place that rivals 4chan in its ability to create memes. No matter what you post there, the bulk of the responses you receive will be either a out-of-context quote from the show or some other non-sequitur of a meme. During the Off-Season, everything worsens, as Off-Topic threads become a way of life. In other words, this board is epic beyond belief.
SPOILER ALERT: EVERYONE IS DEAD
- "Lost" at lurkmore.to
- Jackface The many hilarious faces of Jack
- Moar Jackface Even more Jack faces you shake a dick at.
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