Modern science has yet to conclusively explain our society's compulsive desire to categorize children consigned to grisly fates as "angels". In keeping with this trend, which includes naming a severely retarded and involuntarily neutered girl a "Pillow Angel", there is little Dean Shillingsworth the "Lake Angel", or as his name translates in Japanese: "ALL-WORLD MOST ADORABLE LUGGAGE-REPURPOSED FISH NUTRITION SNACK TIME."
This tragedy can be explained with one very obvious and simple fact: the Shillingsworth family are Aboriginal. After a drunken corroborree involving box wine, gasoline huffing, and child molestation, Dean's caring and considerate mother locked her tot in a suitcase and dumped him into a duckpond, solving two of her immediate annoyances: having to spend money on food and clothing that could be spent on drinking, and owning suitcases when everyone knows that Aboriginals do not qualify for passports and do not own vehicles that could make it more than four towns over.
The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper gleefully reports that little Dean's father is being released on bail from totally unrelated charges, while his twenty-six year old mother remains in jail charged with his murder. The Herald is also working around the clock to keep ahead of the other tabloids in their constant, sensible, and sympathetic use of the words "decomposing", "tiny body", and "dumped".
Key differences between "Lake Angels" and Actual Angels
- Angels live in the sky and play harps. Lake Angels live in rotting suitcases and play Hide The Identifying Features From The Forensic Pathologists.
- Angels are the shining, gentle and beautiful spirit that remains after the corporeal body ceases to function. Lake Angels are the rotting, floating garbage that remains after the Lake Angel's mother ceases to function.
- You are 57% more likely to find Angels illustrated on Christmas cards than Lake Angels.
Key similarities between Dean Shillingsworth and Madeleine McCann
- Both were murdered by their negligent parents. Neither died a virgin.