Liberal Party of Australia
The Liberal Party of Australia (read: neo-liberal Economics, not American Liberal), is one of the two main political parties of Australia. As a neo-conservative party, their platform, found scrawled on a cocktail napkin, includes the following: make rich people richer, make poor people drunker, throw another Arab on the barbie baby, get revenge on nature by eating a dingo's baby, keep Sheilas in the kitchen, make "Waltzing Matilda" the national language, build an intercontinental boomerang, and use the Christian reich as gaydar smokescreen. All while partying hard.
- 1 Just a Twinkle in an Nazi-Symp's Eyebrows
- 2 Australia's Republicans Ain't America's Liberals: The Liberal Party Line
- 3 Trolling Techniques
- 4 The Whitlam Dismissal
- 5 The Howard Years
- 6 The Liberal Party Now
- 7 Scandals
- 8 Young Liberals
- 9 See Also
- 10 External Links
Just a Twinkle in an Nazi-Symp's Eyebrows
The Liberal Party of Totally Straight Australians was founded by eagle-browed patriarch Robert Menzies as an outgrowth of the United Australia Party, which was in turn an outgrowth of the Australian Nationalist party. Menzies became PM in 1939 after exploding his predecessors' heads Scanners style. Already the young 'roo had made great strides in ensuring that whatever he did, for good or ill, history would judge him unfairly. After failing to return Jewish communist writer Egon Kisch back to the concentration camp, Menzies remarked, "That guy was a communist, too?" Soon he was hanging with Hitler and followed ED's lead (along with the rest of the mainstream right at the time) that appeasing the dude was the anti-communist's little black dress. (Unlike ED they never bothered to ask just what N.A.Z.I. stood for, and whether the Hitler/Stalin love affair was based on more than moustache attraction.
Out of nowhere his uni-balled friend made a preemptive strike against Poland, which snowballed into World War II, serendipitously derailing Menzies's career. Old media discovered that despite being 19 when it started all he did in the first movie was playing "daddy's little bigmouth draft supporter with an occasional theatrical limp #2" in a comic relief scene set on private school polo grounds. Indeed he'd spent the war majoring in Machiavellian His excuse was that since two of his brothers had served, his family had sacrificed enough man-lumber already. Besides, he was the valuable one, the one who didn't need to fight to prove he was superior, the dreamboat with eyebrows like a discarded toothbrush and the permanently constipated look of a godly politician.
So in 1941 Menzies got the boot and this article started flickering and fading out like McFlies. Outed as a cowardly hypocrite before people expected it of their leaders, Mendez felt very very sad, threw a shoe at his cat, and swore to give up politics. "Why do anything at all if you can't be top dingo, especially when you're the only one who deserves to be? Especially when your own country's fighting a race of unstoppable god-men?" he'd sigh, over and over into his meths bottle. "And then it was as if the meths bottle answered back," he'd later write. "I learned then the one thing that separates Aboriginals from animals: they know that white Australians have no self-esteem. The Abbos flatter by seeming ugly and revolting; I'll do it with those tips Goebbels gave me over schnapps."
Soon, Menzie was back... like a boomerang!
Menzie's first move was to make a sappy speech called "The Forgotten People" about how noble the middle class are and what a raw deal they get from life. Since he and everyone he knew considered middle class to be less than six servants on the payroll, and Aussie rich are the snobbiest rich in the world due to their massive inferiority complex, a few honest lines did slip in: "I will raze your bungalows, burn your coupon books, drive your aspidistras before me, and hear the lamentations of your house-slippers!" He did kiss enough ass to stop people from throwing darts at him on the street, but that may have been due to wartime shortages. The middle class enjoyed the fine compliments, and all the jokes about the truly wretched lower classes, but since his arch-enemies in the Labor Party were wiping the floor with the O.G. Axis of Evil, with only a minimum of help from forty other countries, they were neigh unstoppable. The United Australia Party, tainted by Menzie's Naziocity, gave up and croaked in 1943.
Unskilled at everything but mouthing off, Menzie formed the Liberal Party of Australia immediately after. They didn't stand an Abbo's chance in a crosswalk until 1948, when Australia realized the war was over. They also realized the Soviet Union had just gained half of Europe, France and England all the sympathy, and America all the Nazi scientists. China'd gone red and was making AK-47s, not fortune cookie, and communist university students said hilarious things as you beat them up. So as American politicians would steal Menzie's "The Forgotten People" ruse (Nixon's "Silent Majority", Reagan's cornflake commercials, W.'s "regular guy" bit), Menzie stole a bit from Americans, that they'd actually borrowed from the Nazis.
First, he freaked out about the one thing everybody else was freaking out about: communism. Communism being basically the government taking not just everything you own, but everything own-able, then passing around little chunks of it with the common sense and compassion governments are known for, Menzie had a point. Still, communism hadn't failed anywhere yet, and he most spectacularly had; most voters thought communism wasn't a threat because Labor Party socialism plus good Christian charity would keep the poor dumb and happy. And no way would they invade Australia after we'd saved them from Hitler and those sandle-wearing goldfish-tenders. Labor won WWII, Labor was united; the right-wing was in a miserable tatters. So Menzie's second tactic was to recruit all the disparate tribes of judgemental busybodies; many of whom, like an American Teabagger in front of a Faux News camera, claims to be a complete political virgin. Nowadays that's supposed to inspire confidence. Back then you still needed a sort of intellectual rubric so Menzie, after marathon viewings of his second-favorite German export The Neverending Story gave them a new name. A new name, for a new group of people, who, far from being complacent ignoramuses, easily goaded to hysteria, were really there all along, they were just - wait for it - The Forgotten People. (Menzie: "They are too real!")
The Liberal Party of Australia slung enough pink mud that they routed the Labor Party only four years after the latter won The War to End All Wars II: Electric Boogaloo. The wind shifts quickly in politics. Sometimes not quickly enough, though. Menzies ruled Australia until his retirement in 1966, whereupon he wrote and recorded the music for a Monkees-like boy band called the Easybeats, and many others. The party he began continued to dominated the PM seat until the end of 1972.
Australia's Republicans Ain't America's Liberals: The Liberal Party Line
Their arch-nemesis is the Labor Party, which they claim will destroy Australia's precious Status Quo in a bloody worker's revolution, forcing the nation to make due with Men at Work and Angels records. Closely linked with the Country Party, and then the National Party, they share the same close-minded policies that protect their own voters and cripple the economy.
Also, you must keep in mind that the terms "Liberal" and "Conservative" vary from country to country, so in a country that's more politically advanced, a conservative might have the same opinions as a liberal in a country that isn't politically advanced. In this vein, we KNOW that Australia is over 9000 years behind the USA politically because the Liberals of Australia are similar to the conservatives of the US.
tl;dr : Australia is filled with faggots
- Refusing to symbolically apologise to the abos when they should be treated like fucking Olde St. Nick.
- Blocking supply bills to local governments they don't like and then giving that money to churches and private schools while keeping students ignorant of condoms so they don't lose those tight, rugby-scented bareback rides.
- Bribing Abbos into a void of lassitude and ignorance with no-strings welfare, which some consider reparations, despite the fact we never got a shred of work from the buggers, unlike white Australians many of whose ancestors DID arrive as indentured labour.
- Gerrymandering, election fraud, and "big lie" media scams.
- Denying climate change while building "vacation" homes in Antarctica.
- Censoring the internet, especially ED.
The Whitlam Dismissal
Once upon a time the Liberal Party was thought of as a lot of uptight wankers you'd toss darts at down the pub, then buttfuck round the alleyway. This was, however, to change. Australia had a rigid two-party system, so if one side faltered in any perceivable way, the pendulum swung to the complete opposite, and up became down overnight. The Liberal opposition built up just enough power to cock-up every supply bill Labour tried to pass. After several months of "starving the beast", Labor PM Gough Whitlam, was banhammered by Queen Elizabeth II (then in her luscious prime) herself. This was back when the Queen still had the power to make non-wardrobe related decisions; in a similar situation today, the banning will be handled by the ocean liner bearing her name.
—Gough Whitlam aiming for Bartlet's
Fraser and his Party took over and after within a year Australia was suddenly nothing more than a big island with a giant desert in the middle and a lot of weird but cute animals. Civilization-wise it was kind of like the American wild west, but with gayer hats: either floppy and pinned up on one side, or hung with empty thread spools. Eventually (in 1965) electricity was granted the Australians from the soft-hearted Laotian government, and Australia used it the only way they could think of: scoring groupies. Roadhouse touring created the only Australian import anyone cares about: crude-ass boogie and sleazeball punk. Of course the Easybeats and AC/DC grew up in Scotland, Deniz Tek is from Detroit, and every other band split for England first chance. Nobody wants to stay too long and end up looking like Angry Anderson or Kylie Minogue! The only bands that drew attention their "essential Australian-ness" (Men at Work, Midnight Oil, INXS) only did so because the Liberal Party was stuffing their stockings.
Despite feeling sexually uncomfortable around this music, the Liberals knew which side of their bread had the vegemite on it, and fapped quietly until the 1980 rape and murder of Bon Scott. (If only the politicians involved had a better understanding of the true and honest meaning of his band's name, Bon might still be givin' it up today.) AC/DC's choice of a pure Scotsman as their new lead singer demoralized the Australian people to the power of ten thousand drunken binges. 1983's Flick of the Switch album after being pwned in the election of 1983, Fraser was next seen in the lobby of a Memphis USA hotel, pantsless. He complained that someone had stolen his pants and wallet. He had been last seen in the company of a well-known whore.
The Howard Years
For moar info on The Howard Years, see here.
The Howard Government (1996-2007 NEVAR FORGET) introduced a new wave of pro-market, anti-union reforms, such as the deregulation of banks, trade and workplace relations. It also saw increased fuck buddy action between Howard and W, culminating in the involvement of Australia in two wars.
GST, or Goods and Services Tax, was introduced as a means of "simplifying" taxing for "ordinary Australians", essentially spitting on these Australian's faces by suggesting we could not work out percentage taxation by ourselves. Originally denied as being useful by Howard, it was introduced as a means of increasing our military budget to protect from invasion by
Russia Indonesia China, as well as allowing big businesses to skim tax dollars by way of the long paper trails the policy introduced.
For moar info on No Apology, see Aboriginal.
Regarded by leftards everywhere as proof that the Liberal Party is inherently racist, Howard, during his 11 years in government, refused to apologize to the Aboriginals for stealing them from their mothers and breeding them with white people to attempt to exterminate them.
In a cruel, inhumane act; the Australian government attempted to give Aboriginal communities education, medicine and clean drinking water. THOSE MONSTERS.
In October, 2001, a boat full of sand niggers was spotted off the Australian coast by a Navy cruiser. Rather than give them a face full of broadside, they watched as the boatpeople were picked up by another boat. When the other boat tried to drop them off on our shores, the Navy intercepted them, and then reported that the boatpeople were throwing their children overboard. Naturally, the Australian public lapped the story up, confirming the sand niggers as being savages, but in reality, the Government fabricated this story to gain support for the upcoming election. Some argue that the Liberal Party winning the election was a good thing however, as it prevented a woman beating, drunkard communist from becoming Prime Minister. After the truth was revealed, the official party response was along the lines of I did it for the lulz.
Facing down the Kevin '07 juggernaut, a public weary of a neo-con fundamentalist Christian voted Howard out of government for a slightly younger neo-con fundamentalist Christian. He was the second Prime Minister in the history of Australia to lose his seat in parliament after a federal election defeat. And nothing of value was lost.
In August, 2007, Howard announced free software for families to download that will prevent their children, pets and elderly residents from looking at fisting porn, gore and other wonders the Internet has delivered us. As soon as it was released however, a 16 year old boy
cracked the filter simply opened up task manger and killed its process, allowing him access to the gay porn he longed for and laying ruin to an $74 million investment supposed to keep family homes safe.
The Liberal Party Now
At the moment, the Liberal Party is looking pretty good now compared to Labor. After some time with a former merchant banker turned politician, Malcolm Turnbull, his policies were found to be too leftarded for the Liberal Party, and was banhammered by the enigmatic and John Howard's evil underling Tony Abbott. Abbott was sent from the 1950's by a time machine to bring back good old family values such as anti-abortion, anti-equal rights, compulsory religion in schools and his ultimate dream of the re-introduction of The White Australia Policy.
—Tony Abbott on Julia Gillard being Prime Minister of Australia.
As noted above, the Liberal Party has a long history of political trolling and major criminal activity. Usually, this is not for political means, but rather comes down to a mix of lax personal morals, alcoholism, pure idiocy and lulz.
—Sydney Morning Herald on doing it for the lulz.
In April, 2008, Liberal opposition leader Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the seat of a menstruating female staffer in front of the entire government, to a soundtrack of "Whacky Saxes". For what purposes he did this evades most rational people, but ED, like Jesus, accepts the "for the lulz" defense. Allegations then arose of Buswell snapping an opposition staffer's bra, exposing himself and remarking "That ain't a bra, mate. THIS is a bra." All this should've make Buswell a hero to the typical Australian, except that he broke down crying during a press conference regarding the matter, and blamed it on personal issues. When asked what "personal issues" make someone a seat-sniffer, he mixed Fosters with semen, and promptly "recycled" it.
In what could be described as an act of pure stupidity, Liberal members from the federal seat of Lindsey decided that to win the election, a large group of them would walk around dropping fake leaflets from the Islamic Council, calling for clemency for convicted terrorists, and purporting to be endorsed by the Labor Party. This group was caught by Labor Party hacks, and a media shitstorm ensued. Naturally, they lost their seat in parliament, and key members were sentenced to assrape in jail.
On April 16, 2014, Liberal Premier of New South Wales Barry O'Farrell announced his shock resignation that had absolutely nothing to do with the hearing at ICAC (Independent Committee Against Corruption) which he had just appeared in front of. Spoken like a true politician, he had said he had forgotten about receiving a $3,000 bottle of wine from a developer at Sydney Water. The ICAC knew already that he was full of shit and this wine bottle was in fact a bribe, but decided to hear him out entirely before announcing to him that they had a copy of the thank you note he sent and a transcript of a phone conversation which proved he knew about it. To this O'Farrell resigned immediately.
Tony Abbott was quick to tell the media that his party was not corrupt and that they should instead focus on his Commission into Union Corruption (which he had announced only DAYS before this scandal erupted) instead, as this would impact badly on the other party. Thankfully, nobody has paid attention to this right wing crackpot since.
The Young Liberals, or Young Lib's are to Australia what the Hitler Youth were to Germany. These fine young individuals are likely the most racist and socially retarded individuals found at Universities, and have caused much drama at the expense of themselves and their political careers. In Universities, they often get involved in student politics, the managing of shitty student bands, or really anything else that they can do to make them look cool and/or popular.
Young Lib's Troll army
When not playing polo or snorting coke out the backsides of small Polynesian children, the young liberals often troll failbook pages of old media, or twitter racist comments to generate conservative sentiment. Their trolling however is distinguished from that of the common troll, as the rest of us dont recount the same shit as whats on party press-releases. They're not that much fun to troll back, as they normally retreat when they are faced with any sort of logic or thought.
"Hot Liberal Women"
—Tim Andrews on putting his foot in his mouth.
In May 2009, a blog was created by Young Liberals to showcase the hottest girls of the Young Liberals. Naturally, such a blog drew widespread condemnation from:
- The Liberal Party (for creating a shitstorm)
- The Labor Party and the Greens Party (to rub shit in the Young Liberal's faces)
- Family First (for corrupting the young right of Australia)
|Liberal Party of Australia |
is part of a series on
|Featured article September 8 & September 9, 2013|
|Liberal Party of Australia||Succeeded by|