From Encyclopedia Dramatica
—George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty
Libertarianism (better known as the Atheist Republican Party or Anarchy for Rich Spoiled Brats) is a fad political ideology for moody teenagers who don't believe in God, first year college students, stoners, Conservatives who were kicked out of the Republican Party for being gay, white business owners who use the "private property" argument so they don't have to pay Welfare and serve niggers, lonely men who worship Ayn Rand as their Waifu, and generally anyone who wants to combine the benefits of no taxes/no gun control with the benefits of abortion so that everyone can just shoot unwanted or genetically disabled babies. Libertarians, more commonly known as Libertards or Lolbertarians, believe that governmental "intrusion" into people's lives should be limited as much as possible--except when someone breaks into their house, they need a contract enforced, or want a health inspector to check out the local restaurants. Government is just fine in those cases. They also believe roads and civic infrastructure are naturally occurring phenomena.
Libertarianism has a big crossover with Extropians, who think that you can realize science fiction ideas like space elevators and self-genetic engineering in the near future. Most Libertarians are either 13-year-old boys, fratboys who watch South Park, people that want to appear "alternative", or paranoid survivalists living in tiny cabins in Montana where they stockpile weapons and food for the dreaded day when Big Brother comes 'round tryin' to implant fail chips in their brains. Libertarians claim to be a radical philosophers but are really as bourgeoisie as they can get. Ultimately, all libertarians are really interested in is defending their petty, white, middle class interests.
Libertarians believe that humanity falls into two categories:
Libertarianism should not be confused with Conservatism, which is exactly what conservatives do. In the same way Liberals now call themselves "Progressives", Conservatives think "Libertarian" sounds more hip.
You have 100 citizens. Each one contributes zero dollars in tax. Since 100 citizens divided by zero taxes = infinity, this means that zero taxation raises infinite income.
For some reason, the world was singularly lacking in governments visionary enough to adopt this economic model until 2012, when far-right Republicans took over Kansas and decided to run the experiment for real. They even brought in Frederick Laffer, the designer of the Laffer Curve, to bless their bold endeavour.
They slashed taxation to minimal levels and were amazed to find the state's revenue fall by $700m in one financial year.
The creation of a Libertarian
Most Libertarians begin life as a spoiled upper-middle class and very white teen who fails to comprehend that not everyone else in the world is a spoiled upper-middle class white teen.
At first, the young libertardian-to-be has only a vague dissatisfaction. He begins to ask himself questions like:
- "What political philosophy can I both bastardize and miss the point of, so that I can justify being an even more selfish prick than I am now?"
- "How can I reconcile that I hate those who I deem aren't productive, with the fact that I don't need a job because daddy gives me a generous allowance?"
- "Why do we even need government? Surely almost seven billion people can all police themselves, right?"
The answer comes to them in two little words. Ayn Rand. Never since Barbara Streisand have the words of a half-witted Russian jewess spread so far, and contaminated so many. With sixth-grade level vocabulary, and fourth-grade level philosophy, Rand's book have all the emotional depth of a two-year old's temper tantrum. "MINE!!!" But like Streisand is to fags, Rand is their holy prophet. She speaks the words so perfectly, the words they want to hear.
"You don't lack compassion! You just want people to get by on their own merits!", She says. "You're not a selfish asshole! You just have a sense of rational self-interest!", She affirms. "You have no obligation to the society in which you live! Governments are only there to lift up those not as good as you!", She declares.
And lo, it was good. Because if there is one thing that makes financially comfortable white people feel good about themselves, it is that they earned the benefits of being financially comfortable, clearly by their own merits.
It wasn't daddy's money that bought you your head start in life. It wasn't the better schools, the better nutrition, the better neighborhoods. It wasn't the country you were born in, or the system of laws that protected and to this day protects you. It wasn't the various government agencies making sure you have licensed doctors, clean drinking water, or safety standards for vehicles.
No, my young privileged white boy, you did it all. You, and only you, are responsible for all your success. And anyone who isn't as well off just didn't work as hard. And the government can only take from a productive member of society like you to give to the leeches. And there should be no laws. And even though there are laws, they don't really apply to you, because you're special. Be as selfish as you want. It's all you.
And thus, a libertardian is born.
What libertarians think freedom means
Libertarians likes everyones self governance, so they propose child brothels. Also they think it is acceptable to contract out their own children's childhoods. All who disagrees with this point of view is morally inferior to the libertarians according to themselves, because they are the only ones who propose freedom, in contrast to others who advocate force.
Trolling a Libertarian
To troll a libertarian online, just post the following:
|This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy.
I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. Then, I brushed my teeth with that water, filtered to standards set by the EPA and my state.
After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank and printed by the Federal Bureau of Engraving and Printing. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.
I park my car on the street, paved and maintained by the Department of Transportation, and put quarters issued by the United States Mint into the parking meter.
Then, after spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, I drive back to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and the fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log onto the Internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right. Keep government out of my Medicare!
Voting for the Libertarian Candidate in the 2008 Presidential Election
List of Things Libertarians Hate
- Calendars, clocks
- Standard weights and measures
- Sick days
- Maternity/Paternity leave (What do you mean, America is the only developed country in the world not to have paid maternity leave? They're all commies!)
- Overtime pay
- Minimum wage
- Clean water
- Clean air
- State and national parks, playgrounds, Fish and Game Wildlife Services (We should be able to kill all the cute critters in the forest if we want to! ESPECIALLY the endangered ones!)
- Roads and infrastructure
- Postal service
- Safe workplaces, OSHA
- Health inspectors, all federal workers (see "postal service")
- Welfare, unemployment benefits
- Public schools
- Seat belts and airbags
- Cops (protection rackets and the mafia are far more libertarian)
- Fire stations (ESPECIALLY volunteer firefighters)
- Taxes (even if they don't pay 'em because they have no job and live in their parents' basement)
- Public transport
- Food free of salmonella
- Nutrition facts
- Safe medicine
- Poor people
- black people
- Charities, any altruistic behavior.
- Unemployment benefits
- Gaining more than 3% of the vote
List of Things Libertarians Believe In
- All authority figures are good unless they are called "the government".
- Drugs are good.
- Social security is bad.
- Federal government is bad, State government is good.
- Pedophilia is good.
- Puppy mills are important facets of the American economy.
- Guns are totally good, unless used by the government and its contractors.
- Homosexuality is good but gay marriage is not good because it'll be legalized by the evil, nasty government.
- The death penalty is bad (but only if it's carried out by the government)
- The free market is the ultimate good.
- People who say they are conservative but are really Republicans are "theocratic" liars.
- People who say they are liberal but are really Democrats are "socialist" liars.
- Privatization is good.
- Unions are bad.
- Smoking is good. Tobacco companies are friends.
- Speculation is good. Question everything! That Newton guy couldn't have gotten everything right!
- Ayn Rand is God (though she hated libertarians, but hey, who doesn't?)
- Believe that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a bloodthirsty tyrant but Calvin Coolidge was God.
- Somalia is the best country on earth
- The mailman is a government employee and must be gunned down with an AK-47 for setting foot on your property.
- Ron Paul is god, Bob Barr is a fake libertarian fuckwit.
- Wearing seatbelts is an affront to personal liberty!
- Paying taxes is a sin, unless those taxes go in to making video games like America's Army.
- Agnosticism is good because religions and atheism are too altruistic and therefore hamper capitalism.
- The Democrats and Republicans don't have our best interest at heart, but conglomerates do!
- The only honorable way to die is in a shootout with the cops.
- Paying taxes to the government is bad. Paying money to utility companies is sexy. (note: Taxpayer->Govt->Cmpny vs. Taxpayer->Cmpny)
- Traffic lights are bad because they're social engineering.
- Health inspectors are bad because they allow people who are too stupid and lazy to investigate every restaurant and store they go to to survive.
- Worship capitalism as the only freedom-loving philosophy but refuse to pay for stuff, because open source is the ONLY way!
- No business would ever desire increased government power (unless they already had it). Halliburton who?
- Police do not have the right to stop a parent from killing their kid, but the cops need to be involved when a baby boy is getting circumcised!
- Outlawing spam e-mail is a grave threat to liberty.
- The Constitution and the Bill of Rights are infallible, but amendments are bad (especially the 16th, but also other ones that give voting power to citizens).
- Democracy is evil because America is only a republic! That's why we don't vote for state representatives, and instead have a state representative assigned to each state with no input from its residents. Because that'd be a democratic republic, and that's bad!
- The best way to respect individuality is to let those who are useless to society starve to death.
- If you cast a shadow on someone else's lawn, you're trespassing.
- If a plane flies over your house, they're trespassing. (Seriously, look it up).
- It's okay to eat babies so long as they're your own kids.
- Taxation is theft. Charging rent is not.
- The genius of the free market is that both the rich and poor get the choice of paying for expensive health care or dying.
- You must remain perfectly silent any time someone else is nearby because forcing someone else's eardrums to vibrate violates the non-aggression principle.
- Price gouging and monopolies are awesome! Don't like it? Then move to Russia, you commie!... even though Russia has the highest population of millionaires.
- Government sucks! ...Except when they're using their resources to protect my personal property, which THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BTW.
- The Federal Reserve cannot be trusted to run a currency but some libertarian pothead called Bernard von NotHaus, the High Priest of "Free Marijuana Church of Honolulu" can. (Seriously.)
- Laws against statutory rape aren't necessary - there's nothing creepy at all about some dirty old man fucking a 13-year-old.
- New Hampshire will become Heaven on Earth if enough libertarians move there.
- Corporatism is evil... but so is government intervention!
- It is mandatory that all libertarians jack off to pictures of Jew and/or Jew on a regular basis in order to remain healthy.
- Herbert Hoover was a socialist.
- Economic liberalism is great because anyone can become rich if they work hard. What are monopolies and monopsonies?
- Critiques of Libertarianism are inherently invalid but conspiracy theories are legit.
- The Industrial Revolution created utopias
- Third-world countries should be allowed to have child labor because it accelerates societal development.
- Socialism came out of nowhere one day.
- Property, and the right thereto, are first-order realities and not social constructs at all.
- Charity and selflessness are universally hailed as virtues. Therefore, Altruism is for sheeple!
- END THE FED! It doesn't matter that the idea of a centralized bank was founded by the Founding Fathers and supported by the precursor to the Republican Party (known as the Federalists), or that most first world countries have a centralized bank.
- End Social Security! People who are unemployed are just lazy! ...What? You can't work because you were hurt on the job? LOL SUX 2 B U!!1
- Borders are stupid. Companies should be able to hire illegal immigrants so they don't have to pay minimum wage.
- Believe business' rights trump people's rights. 
- There are only two political philosophies: pro-freedom (libertarianism) and pro-slavery (non-libertarianism).
- Make fun of liberals for worshiping Obama and the mantra of "Hope" and "Change", all the while worshiping Ron Paul and shouting "RON PAUL R3VOLUTION!".
- Believe all the founding fathers agreed on everything and were of one political philosophy: libertarianism, of course!
Libertarianism and Autism
Libertarianism is expected to be included in the next edition of the DSM as a form of autism, as part of a further partitioning of Asperger's Syndrome due to an overwhelming rise in its e-diagnosis. Libertarians share many qualities with the Ass Pies, but differ in the fact that they see themselves as incarnations of Ayn Rand and the characters in her novels, rather than as dragons or elves.
How Libertarians Debate
A typical pompous libertarian makes an ass of himself.
Typical Libertarian Activities
- Bitching about how fucked up the government is, but doing nothing about it. See also: Hippies
- Complaining about how evil the government is but praising Big Business and preaching that if we just get the mean ole government to leave businesses alone and give our bosses complete freedom that capitalism will create a utopia.
- Complaining about gow government is tyranny, while praising corporations with an absolute top-down hierarchy that make their peons piss into a jar.
- Majoring in Computer Science.
- Acting like Jake Pearson from TSR.
- Using the word "Statist" as an insult at every possible opportunity.
- Calling atheists who do not have the same political views as they do "Statheists." They claim that these atheists worship the state to make up for a lack of religion.
- Quoting George Orwell 24/7 and hating Socialists apparently without irony.
- Not knowing that George Orwell was a massive socialist.
- Posting on Internet forums.
- Thinking Lao Tzu was a libertarian, despite the fact the Tao Te Ching was a guide for emperors on how to rule effectively, thereby being the Machiavelli of the East.
- Thinking EVERYONE they like is a libertarian.
- Sitting in a dark room with only a shotgun for company, waiting for a nigger to break in to their home.
- Bitching about how much money gets taken out of their paychecks for stupid shit like roads, schools, and feeding hungry children.
- Bitching about how voting is anti-freedom
- Complaining that the new smoking bans and seat belt laws takes away their freedom.
- Copy-pasting the rants of the craziest televangelists and replacing "Satan" with "the government."
- Jerking off to The Fountainhead, Anthem, Atlas Shrugged, and anything else written by Jewish whores with an unwarranted sense of self-importance.
- Thinking of ways to get back at the "jocks" who picked on them in grade school.
- Acting exactly like the kid from The Catcher in the Rye.
- Having sex with their dogs.
- Being the ranking douchebags of the planet.
- Hanging around this pageor this one.
- Crying about how minimum wages and anti-child labor laws are morally wrong and a great threat to freedom.
- Preach personal responsibility but blame others for their shortcomings when things go wrong (Note: This characteristic may also apply to conservatives and liberals as much as it does libertarians)
- Post Ron Paul endorsements in every YouTube video they come across
- Having sex with children.
- Privately masturbate to the murder of a government employee while publicly denouncing the murder as an initiation of force.
- Brag about how they're a real American because they "own property" e.g. a pickup truck and an acre of land in Oklahoma with a manufactured home on it, but get butthurt and backpedal when you point out to them that both of them are actually owned by the bank they pay money to every month.
- Petition Fleshlight to introduce an Ayn Rand model.
- Moving to Austria for the Austrian Economics.
- Saying "You sound more like a libertarian" to anyone who doesn't have strict liberal or conservative views on every issue.
- Building and worshiping shrines to honor their fair and just corporate overlords
- Posting their Ayn Rand/NRA slash fanfic collection on /k/.
- Calling the government "a monopoly" while denying they exist, and confusing economics with politics.
- Not seeing the hypocrisy of calling the government a monopoly when in a privatized libertarian world, a single corporate overlord really would rule the country.
- Bitching that hate speech are just words and therefore shouldn't be made a crime because of free speech, yet making hate speech a bannable offense on their forums.
- Pirating software despite preaching that people work hard for their money.
- Joining NAMBLA
- Posting TL;DR rants on how capitalism is awesome in response to people talking bad about the rich.
- Bitching about how equality no longer makes being a white male special anymore.
Libertarian Mating Habits
Libertarians attract mates by posting all kinds of lame shit about the Illuminati and Masonic conspiracies in conservative forums and blogs, as well as in the IMDb subforums for any movies that have anything to do with politics, as well as positing why the producers of any Gulf War I and II movies hate America.
Libertarians also spend a lot of time pissing and moaning about not being able to get dates, a fact which they attribute to women for being dimwitted, manipulative, self-loathing harlots who dig assholes, because intelligent, emotionally sensitive women would certainly date them otherwise. It couldn't POSSIBLY be that women are generally repulsed by fat, neckbearded chauvinists who spend all their time on the internets arguing about Linux and stroking their own egos (lol, personal responsibility). Closely related to "nice guys", except malcontented and oafish.
- David Koresh
- Glenn Beck
- Timothy McVeigh
- Alex Jones
- Ayn Rand
- Stephen Colbert
- Milton Friedman
- Drew Carey
- Jimbo Wales (Which makes no sense, because he founded Wikipedia, the biggest "Anarcho-Communist" society ever to be inhabited entirely by virgins)
- Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park
- Margaret Thatcher
- Penn & Teller
- Michael Crichton
- Robert Anton Wilson
- Tommy Chong
- Clint Eastwood
- Neil Peart
- Tim Wilson
- Terry Pratchett
- Xavier Von Erck
- Ron Paul
- Ron Swanson
- Vox Day
- Doug Stanhope
Libertarianism on The Intertubes
Some say that libertarianism is growing in popularity due to President Barack Obama's fascist, socialist, Nazi, liberal, progressive policies. Luckily for you, this popularity has resulted in a plethora of websites and publications dedicated to the intellectual discussion of lolbertarianism. As expected, most libertarians found on the tubes are old and thus have never heard of trolling, let alone a meme.
In addition to the typical libertarian hangouts, there is a LiveJournal community dedicated to . Reading it is a lot like fucking a beehive. The community mostly serves as a forum for discussing bestiality and necrophilia.
How to piss off a Libertarian
You can troll in the following ways:
- Ask them about the Civil Rights Act, they will go around your question and say its a "Property rights issue", when in fact they are closet racist.
- Ask them how and why what the government does is bad, you'll just get "because...TEH GUBBMINT!!", with no real logical answer backed up with facts.
- Remind them that public roads is socialism, and using them makes you a socialist. The Libertarian response would be "THE GOVERNMENT IS A MONOPOLY, I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!111" (this remark will make them go ape shit!)
- Also bring up that public schools are funded by the government; you see, every Losertarian went to a public school but yet they call for abolishing public schools, which is where over 9000% of them all went!
- Remind them that Ron Paul can never become President because he's a 9/11 truther.
- Most Libertarians are young, uneducated college dropouts that work minimum wage jobs; ask them about minimum wage, and if they are willing to get paid $1.00 /hr - the typical Losertarian response would be "*cricket*............................*cricket*"
- Troll Ron Paul forums, call for major foreign intervention and military bases everywhere.
- Call them conspiracy theorist. Libertards hate that!
- Tell them that Thomas Jefferson (Libertarians' favorite person), said good things about the Illuminati and supported Adam Weishaupt ZIONIST JESUIT VATICAN NWO!!1.
- Ask them, WHY U HATE 'MURKA?
- Since they hate the government, ask them how they feel about pedo laws - Libertarians' obviously being for free choice/free will, they will most likely go around your question and say "I DON'T SUPPORT SEX WITH MINORS!!1, but not answer your question. If they say yes on keeping it illegal, they are COMMIE BASTARDS, if they say no - tehy are 50 year old closet pedos!1.
- Suggest the PATRIOT ACT is constitutional.
- Agree with any form of taxation.
- If they try a motto like "Taxation without representation!", ask them if they live in Washington, DC, Puerto Rico, or any US outlying territory. If they say no, then point out that there's a reason they're called "State representatives".
- Make up elaborate lies about how government interference is directly correlated with general happiness and coke supply, forcing them to do actual work to prove you wrong.
- Espouse the virtues of eugenics and see how many "freedom-lovers" actually agree with you.
- Create a thread titled "DATING TIPS," pretend to be an athletic, attractive, emotionally-sensitive Libertarian with good job security, post a sob-story about not being able to get a girlfriend and watch it grow to over 9000 pages about the naïveté of women and how Libertarians are better lovers.
- Remind them the Internet was invented by the government.
- Ask them to explain the Electoral College in their own words. If they start talking about the voting process, point out that republics don't have a voting system.
- Be a minority (specifically a woman)... unless you are using a Facebook sockpuppet account, in which case, make her very hot.
- Tell them Ron Paul is a racist and is supported by the KKK.
- Ask them to name a single Libertarian community that worked in the real-world. If they mention WW2 Catalonia, add on "in the long term" and "those were communes and refugee camps, you fucktard".
- Mention government or 'socialistic' successes and private sector endeavors failures.
- Show them Riki-Oh to demonstrate why privatizing prisons would be a bad idea.
- Praise the Labor Theory of Value.
- Tell them that libertarianism is anarchy for rich people (because it's true, lol)
- Say FDR and Abraham Lincoln were the best US presidents.
- Point out the fact libertarianism is just a type of conservatism
- Ask them why they hate the 16th amendment when they claim to love the Constitution
- Spout conspiracy theories about how Ayn Rand was a soviet double agent or how Thomas Jefferson was trolling when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. This should actually be pretty easy, as libertarians are known to take to conspiracies faster than MCR to a cock.
- Tell them that Ben Franklin used state money to fund a hospital.
- Tell them you're voting for Bob Barr.
- Link them to this.
- Treat Libertarianism and Objectivism as synonyms (because they are, lol)
- Point out that the Green Party supports pot legalization, too
- Use Bioshock as an example of why a Libertarian society can never exist (be careful, some of them are stupid enough to think Rapture was a utopia)
- Ask them what they think of monopolies and trustbusting.
- Ask them how old they were when they became a Libertarian. 99% of the time they will have been under 16. Then say they were too young to understand politics.
- Tell them that Somalia seems like a nice libertarian haven.
- Point out that the news and media are businesses and see how many "Defenders of Liberty" want the government to close those down they disagree with.
- Say anything positive about the police.
- Comment that Dennis Kucinich is the Ron Paul of the left.
- Tell them you are a left-libertarian. Be sure to back this up by being liberal on any social issue.
- Point out that the only way to stop oppression without government interference is through community organizing.
- Run for president as a Republican, don't stfu about how terrible federal bans are...and then vote for federal bans.
- Tell married libertarians that if they want the federal government out of their business, they should get a divorce and live in sin.
- Mention how much it upsets you that Glenn Beck Raped And Murdered A Young Girl In 1990.
- Explain to them how large companies always end up using or creating government in order to enforce a monopoly and that a free market can't exist if there's a coerced monopoly.
- Ask them how they, a redneck living in his mother's basement with no experience in law (other than getting arrested for illegal firearms possession), know more about the Constitution than law school graduates and a constitutional scholar.
- Ask what they think about the WBC and the state laws preventing them from protesting funerals. This will trick them into not only saying that they support the evil gubment, which should always be wrong, but that they're against freedom of speech which is in the ZOMG CUNTSTITTOOSHUN!!!!11
- Inform them that the word libertarian was first used in a political sense by a communist.
- Hire a construction firm for a day. Dig up the road outside their house, pull down the streetlights, and pour concrete into their sewer. Then ring their doorbell and give them a bucket and spade and a cheap flashlight with no batteries. Explain that you have stepped in to help them in their quest to relieve US taxpayers and the objects you are giving them are a leaving gift from the state.
Detroit:The libertarian paradise
- Alex Jones
- Gary Johnson
- Glenn Beck
- Men's Rights Activist
- Ron Paul
- Tea Party
- Lemon Party
- The Guardian
- I am an American conservative shitheel
- Libertarian Fox
- If you need simple replies to debunk their crap, refer to this non-libertarian FAQ. (Drives them crazy.)
- Average libertarians
- Easy trolling
- Libertarians trolling their own
- "Reason" Magazine's blog; yes, comments are enabled
- Trolling libertarians since 1994
Libetarianism is autism
- Libertarians Are Huge Fans of Economic Coercion
- TEA Party: Tobacco Everywhere Always:
- ‘To quarterback behind the scenes, third-party efforts’: the tobacco industry and the Tea Party
- Milton Friedman Defends the Ford Pinto Deathtrap:
- Ludwig Von Mises Implies Being a Savage Animal Is Ok!
- The Ugly Side of Libertarianism: No Aid for Tornado Victims
- Paul Ryan’s Guru Ayn Rand Worshipped a Serial Killer Who Kidnapped and Dismembered Little Girls
Libertarianism is part of a series on
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