Public Library

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In all my years, I never figured I would see a person escorted out of a library by a police officer...but I have now and I can die happy.

A Public Library, using the normal description, is a place that stores and makes available the many forms of media to the citizens of a local municipality. Visiting a Public Library can be an informative journey where patrons can be exposed to magazines, books, CDs, news publications, movies, and the internet. Also, patrons will be treated to under-funded, angry staff members and exposed some of the creepiest human garbage ever to crawl out of a rain-swollen sewer.

Contents

Environs

America reading is for faggots.jpg

When a person enters the library, they will be inundated with a confusing and vast array of information. At first glance, the place appears to be swirling carnival full of Elvis impersonators, hairy midgets, and obese opera sopranos. A careful re-examination of the place will actually reveal that the first impression is quite true. The library is a place where nobody has any idea what the hell is going on, but you better shut the hell up because somebody is trying to read. Some other notable highlights include:

  • Numerous shelves full of books that offer nothing more than a hiding place for teens to neck in complete privacy.
  • Two Puerto Rican kids selling pot in the bathroom
  • Air conditioning so cold your testicles will turn into ice cubes and then suck themselves back up into your stomach.
  • A dust covered microfiche machine which will allow you to read very old newspaper articles. What the fuck is a microfiche?
  • The 1967 edition of World Book. Funk & Wagnals is for suckers.
  • A hell of a lot of plastic plants.
  • Whoops, some 8 year old kid puked what appears to be a lime Icee in the kid’s section.
  • Books. Pfft, haha, right.

For the People-Watchers

Should you enjoy people-watching, an afternoon outing at the local Public Library will grant you an enormous cornucopia of fodder for your voyeuristic pleasure. While at the library, you will see fat, divorced den mothers, militant lesbian librarians (mustache included), hordes of spastic children, and, if you are very lucky, police officers escorting pedophiles out of the kid’s section. This segment is designed to aid the average people-watcher by highlighting some of the more spectacular species of weirdo you may encounter at the library.

The Old Creep

Wearing polyester shorts that are hiked far too high, black socks with white Reeboks, straw fedoras, and huge black sunglasses which they wear even indoors, The Old Creep is at the library for one reason: to stare at young girls. The Old Creep can be found:

  • Milling about the computer stations, looking at non-nude pedo sites.
  • Pretending to look for books on obscure topics. Home lawnmower repair, swimming for exercise, and books dealing with the depression of loneliness are their favorite topics.
  • Lurking near the drinking fountain in hopes that somebody bends over to use it.
  • Attempting to peek down the blouse of that one librarian…you know, the one with moles.
  • Wandering around the park that usually surrounds the library. They either have binoculars for looking at the girls on the swing sets, or are using their metal detectors to look for coins.
  • ”Adjusting themselves” in a very overt manner while grumbling about their lumbago. What the fuck is lumbago?
  • Aimlessly meandering through the reading area, occasionally bending over to smell the sofa cushions where pre-teen girls might have sat.

The Old Creep is generally too old to achieve erection and can normally be considered harmless, however on hot summer days, should you notice a polyester tent being pitched, it is a good idea to maintain a safe distance. One final curiosity about this species is the fact that sometimes they actually read books.

Patchouli Sally

Patchouli Sally wears long, sweeping, dirty hippy skirts along with sandals and t-shirts that usually have some sort of liberal slogan emblazoned on them. These sometimes violent patrons are at the library to gather information on their latest pet project in order to inform an uncaring public about unknown dangers that should be…nay, MUST BE exposed. Should you spot Patchouli Sally, she will usually be attempting the following:

  • Trying to get other patrons to sign a petition for the illegalization of farming, as farmers and corporate farming are ruining the environment with their oil-consuming tractors and phosphate-laden fertilizers. Growing pot in the basement is fine.
  • Reading books in the sexual health section as they have not had an orgasm for quite some time, not realizing that the problem stems from the fact that they sleep with spineless, weak-chinned, noodle-dicked, ponytail-wearing poets.
  • Checking out books about beads.
  • Standing in line at the information desk, waiting to find out if the latest editions of “Peta Weekly” and “The Journal of Animal Liberation” are in stock yet.
  • GLOBAL WARMING
  • Giving a sermon about how we should all cut apart the rings on a six-pack holder in case some unlucky duck should manage to get one caught around its neck.
  • Braiding either their leg or armpit hair.
  • Reading out loud to children in the kid’s section. Usually, from some socialist pamphlet, because, you know, the kids just aren’t getting enough of that in the school systems these days.

Patchouli Sally should not be approached under any circumstances unless you have plenty of time to waste listening to breathless droning about the evils of today’s world. This species can be found in the company of many dirty children who are in need of both Ritalin and a strong father figure, whom they are constantly admonishing for acting like…children. Patchouli Sally does not actually read anything in the library, since books are tools of a fascist government anyways.

Skate Rat

Skate Rat can be found in the Library’s bathroom smoking a joint. They generally do nothing inside the library and only come into the building to cool down on hot days; however they tend to frighten the hell out of most of the other patrons with their teen-angst and wild hair styles. After yet another fruitless day of being a 19 year old virgin, scaring the shit out of library security guards, and picking half-smoked cigarettes out of the outside ashtrays, they go home where mommy has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (Wonder bread with the crusts cut off) and a glass of 2% milk waiting for them.

Femme Facebook

This species is usually from the dirt-poor, white trash end of town where internet service is not available to the general public since no sane person would go into the ghetto to install it. Somehow, Femme Facebook has discovered the internet and wants to post pictures of her fat ass so that all the boys in her Section 8 building can ogle at her gargantuan charms. The entire point of what a library is for is lost on Femme Facebook as they do not know how to read, nor do they have any other motive than to get knocked up by one of the local boys and bring yet another brood of spandex wearing slobs into the world. Fabulous facts:

  • Since the Nova isn’t running, they take the bus to the Library.
  • They spend more time raising their hair than they do raising their children.
  • Will put you off eating cottage cheese forever.
  • That huge cursive tattoo on her left boob that says “Franco” is in reference to her deceased brother Frank, not her third ex-husband Frank.
  • They may also be using the internet to peruse Wal-Mart’s website in order to see if any NASCAR memorabilia has gone into the markdown bins yet.

The Audiophile

This skinny, pimple-faces species can be found wandering around the listening rooms and amid the racks of CDs. They generally do nothing other than sneer at other patron’s musical choices as their opinion is far more weighty and impressive than anybody else’s. What they listen to:

  • The Police. But only the pre-Synchronicity stuff, as the newer albums are all full of corporate bullshit. That fucker, Sting, sold out, man.
  • The Tijuana Brass album with the naked chick on the cover.
  • Jazz CDs which they do not actually listen to, but only carry around to look more remarkable.
  • Their one secret vice: Brittany Spears. Any of these CDs will be at the bottom of their pile, hidden in case another audiophile happens to be checking them out.
  • Camper Van Beethoven, who was snubbed by musical critics and listeners alike, due to the fact that nobody “got” the band.
  • Anything by Billy Corgan, who is both the godfather and the blueprint for anything screamo that followed after the Smashing Pumpkins demise.
  • ELO
  • That one vinyl LP that Gloria Gaynor did back in 1984, because the Audiophile has an actual turntable in their home and because Gloria was a huge talent that was snubbed by an uninformed public. What the fuck is an LP?

When the Audiophile is checking out his 47 selections, he will often be amazed at the fact that the library offers up all this music for free. He or she will then go home and rip all of their CDs so that they can then upload their obviously superior musical offerings. They will then wonder why nobody is downloading their obviously top-quality selections, cretins.

Angry Black Guy

Angry Black Guy towers above six feet tall, weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 pounds, and usually looks like he has just been released on parole. However, Angry Black Guy as a name is a misnomer, since he is not angry at all, and is usually one of the few people who uses the library for its intended purpose. A far more fair name for this species would be “Friendly Older Black Gentleman,” but the world is a shitty place which does not work that way. Angry Black Guy can be found:

  • In the Literature section, reading something interesting, poignant, and literally speaking, important.
  • In the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section. That Piers Anthony guy sure is funny!
  • In the home improvement section, looking for books on how to build a deck.
  • Joking around with the librarians at the checkout desk, usually while they are sharing photos of their grandchildren; little David is all grown up now and will be attending Stanford next fall!
  • Awkwardly trying to not step on the pack of children that are racing around his gargantuan, tree-like legs.
  • Asking the librarian where the books on gardening are located as there are aphids on his tomatoes.
  • Getting hassled by police officers in the parking lot.

Granny

As a rule, most elderly women prefer book stores over libraries as they can get their books more rapidly and then get home before they are attacked. Going to a library is a frightening and time consuming undertaking that will always lead to being mugged by Angry Black Guy or raped by Skate Rat. Even still, Granny will occasionally appear at the library, if only to attend a quilting seminar in one of the conference rooms.

Library Fun

The library will often host meetings or events designed to improve funding for the public library system. They also have contests and book clubs that are in place to foster interest in reading to normal, everyday citizens. A quick once-over of the community bulletin board will quickly inform library users of the following great library programs:

  • On Thursday night, in the library theater, there will be a screening of the 1917 silent thriller “The Wolfman,” which has not been removed from its canister since 1917 and is probably made of flammable nitrate film stock, so no cell phone use please!
  • The Summer Reading Contest. This event attempts to divert children from more important pursuits such as Playstations, Xboxes, MySpace, and the internet by making them (gasp) read books. And get this: should a child actually win the contest, the prize is…more books.
  • SAT/PSAT tutoring every week in conference room B. As if kids old enough to worry about those tests would ever set foot in a library, let alone read the community bulletin board.
  • Shakespeare in the Park. Every Sunday night, patrons will be granted an exquisite portrayal of some of the Bard’s greatest plays. Also, they will be granted mosquito bites, packs of annoying children throwing glow sticks at each other, and a really crappy version of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” put on by people who think that the only reason why they aren’t famous and in Hollywood is because their college drama teacher hated them. Should you wish to attend, please bring a blanket so you don’t accidentally sit on some dog shit.
  • There is a garage sale to be held on June 15th at 1378 Wilshire drive. Oh goddamnit, how did this get on the community bulletin board?
  • Beginning on October 1st, 2007, the library will be offering free Wi-Fi access to its patrons. Now library users will no longer be tied down to the facilities own computers, but can now access their porn without the fear of getting kicked out of the library.
  • Mrs. Zimmerman’s 3rd grade class supplied the artwork that is posted in the Lobby. Please stop using the art as a place to stick your unwanted and used chewing gum.
  • On August 12th, fire engine company 8 will be hosting a seminar on fire prevention and safety. It is hoped that this year’s attendance will dwarf last year’s turnout of 5 disinterested people.

What Really Goes On At The Library

Trolling The Library

  • Move all religious books or books purporting to be religious to the fiction section
  • Place spoilers in every Stephenie Meyer or J.K. Rowling book
  • Talk really loudly on our phone
  • Watch gay porn on the computers, bonus points if the computers are located near the children's area
  • Read along with people by bending over their shoulders to look at their book
  • Fap
  • Wander around with some friends LOL, you don't have any friends and loudly complain about a topic of your choosing
  • Start an argument with the librarian when you receive a late fee
  • Scream

See Also

  • Your own local public library. You haven’t been there since that summer after 7th grade and they miss you.
  • Old Media
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