Lisa Nowak

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What? This article needs moar lulz.
You can help by adding moar lulz.
NO U!!!

Background Info

Lisa Nowak was born in 1963 in Washington, DC, around the same time that MLK was screwing a lot of women that were not his wife and chargin' lazers. Her parents, being hippies, never bothered to toilet train her or tell her that jobs like astronaut are for men, not womyn. Therefore, to this day, Lisa still wears a diaper and brandishes her artificial sense of entitlement as if it were a BB gun ...owait, she brandishes those too.

Lisa is also a dyke, since according to mom and dad and Fraud "the only abnormal sexuality is the absence of sexuality". Sounds like they never had the delight of reading Softpaw Magazine. All fur aside, Lisa soon grew to miss teh cock, and began sleeping around the hangar at NASA.

Nigga stole my man!

T-minus 10 Seconds until Lulz—Her Plan

This is when Lisa met William Oefelein, a Navy officer and fellow astronaut (what the fuck kind of name is Oefelein, anyway? How the hell are you supposed to pronounce that?) (OOF-el-eye-n, lrn2central europe), and hilarity began to ensue. It turns out that Oefelein was doing the dirty with some other and much younger flygirl named Colleen Shipman. Enraged that some bitch was messing with her man, Lisa devised a sinister plan to get her man back. A search of her car by police yielded the following evidence, which details the plan.

Cap'n Lisa suiting up to avoid toilet breaks (her excuse) while racing across the countryside to entice the future-husband-stealing bitch into talking with her!
The contents of Lisa Nowak's purse.

T-minus 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... seconds until lulz—Materials

  • TL;DR | Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells the time a fucking clock.
  • Rubber tubing
  • Steel mallet
  • Buck (folding) knife
  • Chemicals
  • Diapers—only 'cos of the epic trip.
  • Latex gloves—only for pickin' up soiled diapers, 4 sure.
  • Garbage bags—only for packin' soiled diapers.
  • Revealed on April 10th, 2007: The cops also found storage media (two USB drives and a floppy) after her arrest, the floppy disc contained 16 pix, all but one of which were lewd or in some other way unsavory and connected with bondage (you can't make this shit up), along with a stash of orange pills and English money.

Plan

  1. Abduct bitch
  2. Entice her with BB gun
  3. Spray with chemicals
  4. Profit!

Pending further analysis, experts agree that the fatal flaw in her strategy was the omission of the crucial 3.5th step of "???".

Ready to entice the bitch into talking!

Liftoff!

Secret documents in hand, Lisa armed herself with the aforementioned materials (the diaper was supposedly to eliminate bathroom breaks, but we know better) and drove over 9,000 miles from Houston to Orlando, where she met Shipman in a parking lot. Lisa knocked on Shipman's car window, and the dumb bitch rolled it down! Then Lisa pulled a "gun" and threatened to spray Shipman with a chemical believed to be pepper spray. Shipman then lol'd at the bitch in the diaper, so she got sprayed in the face with the pepper spray, at which time Shipman sped away and called the police. She tried to stash her wig, trenchcoat and overflowing diaper in a nearby trash can and blend in with the mundanes. She was unsuccessful of course and was arrested. It is the opinion of this EDiot that Shipman was totally asking for it.

She could spend life in prison for attempted kidnapping, attempted assault and trying to conceal evidence. Her lawyers are expected to ask if she can serve out her sentence in the cargo hold of a poopship.

The Aftermath

NASA has declined to comment on the allegations that they have indeed hired a babyfur faggot, only saying that she has been suspended without pay and put in the time-out corner. This is not going to be the last we hear from miss Lisa Nowak, however, as there is much moar yet to be milked from this lolcow.

She entered the IRL court system in late March, not long after being "terminated" (their term) by NASA on the third of March. This puts her back in the US Navy, where she's now been joined by philandering bondage boy Oefelein (as of the first of June, one week after the announcement).

Her plan was to plead insanity (duh!):

 
 
The document claims Nowak was suffering from the following: obsessive-compulsive disorder, partner relational problem, major depressive disorder, insomnia, brief psychotic disorder with marked stressors, asperger's disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, loss of body mass, problems with primary support group, marital separation, problems related to social environment, inadequate social support system and inability to confide in social contacts.
 

 


... from the excellently named Flame Trench NASA fan site in Florida.

Like all self-proclaimed aspies, this all was complete bullshit and she was forced to plead guilty, and was given fines and a suspended sentance and banned from going into outer space forevar.

She is also glad that Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Docs

Hey Lisa, you've got something on your face.
Lisa M. Nowak (CAPTAIN, USN)
NASA Astronaut

PERSONAL DATA: Born May 10, 1963, in Washington, D.C. Married, with three children. Lisa enjoys
 bicycling, running, skeet, sailing, gourmet cooking, rubber stamps, crossword puzzles, piano, and
African violets. As an undergraduate she competed on the track team. Her parents, Alfredo and Jane
Caputo, reside in Rockville, Maryland.

EDUCATION: Graduated from C.W. Woodward High School, Rockville, Maryland, in 1981; received a
bachelor of science degree in aerospace engineering from the U.S. Naval Academy in 1985; a master
of science degree in aeronautical engineering and a degree of aeronautical and astronautical
engineer from the U.S. Naval Postgraduate School, both in 1992. 

Fetishes

According to her docs above, in addition to her scat affinity, Lisa also enjoys bukkake (Lisa enjoys bicycling, running, skeet, ...). Close family and friends have testified to the fact that her goal in life was to set up a brothel on the International Space Station, where other space-whores like herself could come and be come upon. This is why when asked if she had ever heard the advice "Don't shit where you eat" and whether she felt it applied in this case, Lisa simply responded "lol they're the same thing, rite?".

Also See

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