Love

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This article is about the fictional disease. You may have been looking for Sex.
Everyone deserves to be loved. Except you, of course.

Love is the antithesis of hæt and the answer to how babby is formed. Also, the most widely used rationalization for sex and/or drama. It was invented by the French as an excuse for their smelly armpits. "I love you" is a direct translation of the phrase "Pardonnez-moi, je suis un poseur", which also means "It's just that I'm French". Historically, love has been the perfect excuse for mimes to cut their wrists after each failed performance and later proceed to show that they've failed at suicide as well. Love is also the main subject discussed in religion and politics. It is, thus, an excuse for failure and writing crappy poetry, and it is politically incorrect.

Contents

What is love?

formulæ

If (Effect_of(human >= 1) == (hormones >= 3) AND (dopamine >= 3)) Then
    (consequent: "Love")
Else
    (alternative: "Not love")
End If

Love, Summarized Using Only Six Words

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A FUCKING WHORE

For real

Love is nothing more than an STD carried by women that only affects men. It can be transmitted by oral or vaginal contact, and it can only be cured with anal.

Love on the Internet

As the Internet brought millions of people together from all around the world, it was only natural that it should be used for porn. After a while, various dating websites were created to allow basement dwellers to find their soulmates, and so love on the Internet was born. If by "love" you mean copying out Penthouse letters into an email and sending it to someone you've never met and probably doesn't exist before abandoning your spouse and children to travel across a continent because you want to try anal sex before you die and are too embarrassed to ask your partner of seven years, then love on the Internet is for you.

Below are listed various dating websites for those of you who feel like breaking every promise you've ever made.

OKCupid

Nuvola
Moar info: OKCupid.

Large, popular dating website based on a series of questionnaires designed to find close personality matches. Cheaper than a Jersey hooker, this site is responsible for destroying IRL relationships because constant attention, companionship, loyalty, financial security and fidelity are lame compared to back-alley abortions, stuffed toys and web-cam pictures of Jew. Srsly, IRL relationships are ultimate lulzkillerz and should be changed for kickass blind dates with awesome psychopaths.

Okcupid didn't use to be free, but due to the fact that Okcupid got bought out by Myspace, which is owned by FOX News, which is owned by Time Warner, and is now being acquired by Verizon. Monopolies allow you to date for FREE!

eHarmony

Nuvola
Moar info: eHarmony.

Rejected by eHarmony.jpg

Habbo Hotel

Habbo Hotel is one of the most popular dating sites ever. It came about in August of 2003 when Al Gore announced he had helped create the Internets first most awesome dating site. It features personality matching, virtual money, a pool, and even the ability to create a mini-you composed of a nigra in a black suit with an afro. You get married at the virtual chapels, and have virtual anal sex with another virtual person or with your virtual self. Words like pussy and cock might be filtered, but that doesn't mean you can't switch the letters around like a fucking idiot.

Lovepanky

If dating sites and online communities are just not helping you find a girl. a boy or a goat, then perhaps, there's nothing wrong with the site. Psst, something's wrong with you. To become a better person, and become a chick magnet or a maneater, you just need to pick some tips from here and you're ready to go. With channels for men and women, and love, sex and flirting interests, you can go from nobody to somebody overnight. Learn the art of seduction and the art of smooth talking and everything there is to become an instant magnet to the opposite sex. But then, if you are interested in goats, this will not help you. But if you're looking for an attractive member of the opposite sex and want to know how to impress them, then Lovepankyis your answer to love, sex and relationships.

Pounced

If pretending to not be human is the only way you can blow a load of spastically twitching, under-performing protein strings onto the face of underage same-sex victims, then Pounced.org provides an excellent service by keeping you and your furry friends away from other dating websites.

The steps of love on teh internets

  1. Go to a chat site or forum. Look for a 13-year-old boy or a 16-year-old girl.
  2. Start talking.
  3. Pretend to get interested in their life. It's okay. They are desperate for attention, so you have many chances of winning this. Believe everything they say, whether or not it conflicts with past things they have said. This will feed your fantasy and fuel your will to carry on with the operation.
  4. Start waiting for that person to message you back at uncommon hours of the day or night. You need to learn this person's routine to perfection.
  5. Take the initiative. Ask this person out. It's okay. This person will obviously fall for it.
  6. Ignore a friend's advice that this person could be a cop or a fellow stalker.
  7. Arrange a meeting. Don't be afraid to go to their house as long as they tell you their parents aren't around. You can trust this.
  8. A: Rape. B: Troll the little moron by quoting their emo letters full of unwarranted self importance while laughing historically until he/she kills him/herself. C: Chris Hansen takes possession of you as soon as you walk in the door. Why don't you take a seat, right over there?

10 Things You Should Know About Love

Courtesy of about.com: (Massively re-edited)

  1. Love is supposed to hurt, so physical and/or emotional abuse are teh key to mastering it.
  2. Love is manipulative, it should be used to get others to do what you want. You should make demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic.
  3. Love is an intense feeling for another person. It can take many different forms but it should always lead to trolling.
  4. Although it is true that a big part of love is trying to get what you want, you should also try to keep the person caring for you for epic lulz and blowjobs. That way, you get more out of the deal.
  5. If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love, they are trying to show you how much they care. Caring is an emotion especially designed for homosexuals. If you love another person and you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves then you are missing the opportunity to get free kidneys and should become an hero.
  6. It is easy to confuse love for lust. It is ok to pretend-love for the lulz, since everyone knows its all about the sex.
  7. It is impossible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Thinking you can is heresy and will soon turn you into a god-hating outcast. Make sure to beat yourself up if you find yourself in this unhappy situation.
  8. Sex is love. Love is sex. Rape is an important cornerstone to love. That means it's mandatory.
  9. Romantic love will make you impotent. When it goes there is always a reason. This can be a sign of when to get someone new. When somebody falls out of love with you it reflects upon your desirability. To keep this from happening, make sure you're the one who punches her cunt first.
  10. Love should make you feel popular, gifted (as in you get gifts) and like cum.

Internet Relationships

Internet relationships are perfect for people who only have friends in Indonesia or Latvia. With internet relationships you skip all the IRL drama and get tons of masturbation in exchange.

Internet relationships give you a wide array of potential significant others to choose from:

  1. Anime-obsessed wiremouths who masturbate to your default picture daily
  2. 250-pound rapists who live with their mothers
  3. 16-year-old girls
  4. 13-year-old boys posing as 16-year-old girls
  5. Your IRL significant other
  6. A World of Warcraft junkie who regularly eats out of heated trashcans
  7. A recovering alcoholic, owner of a prosperous new restaurant
  8. A terrifying, quivering mass of sweaty anonymous perverts
  9. Chris Hansen.
  10. Losers who see less sun than vampires
  11. Retards who only think his internet bitch is hot because "ZOMG! LIFEFORM WITH SNATCH AND TITS IS TALKING TO ME!" He would probably fuck his own sister if she were dumb enough to let herself.

Different kinds of LOVE

There are different sexual orientations, a.k.a. fetishes and fascinations in a variety of fields (or you're a sick fuck). They are...

  • Gay Love (M/M).
  • Lesbo Love (F/F).
  • Bisexuals.
  • Transsies (a Male dressed like a Female when (s)he goes on a date and he doesn't seem to know it).
  • Polyamory (a man has another woman around at home, and allows his wife to see another guy).
  • Pregnophiles (men/women are into knocked up big bloated bellied ladies with child).
  • Bearded men (women admit it, you got a fetish).
  • Old people (legal, legit, most likley gold diggers want their money).
  • Paedos (NOT child molestors, but foot fetishists...get a hard-on when they see a woman's foot).
  • Pooping/peeing on your partner.

A Typical Love Poem

This is the only love poem you will need to read because it sums up what all the others say.


Welcome to my love poem.

I love you sooo much, isn't that fucking cute?

Let me play for you,

a queer ass song on my queer ass lute.

Excuse me, I need a moment to vomit now please.

Bees, fleas, sneeze, tease,

these are just a few of the words

that rhyme with please.

Now bitch get off your knees and get me some cheese.

Oh yeah, and my love,

you're my soothing breeze and lonely seas.

*barf*

What else.. what else..?

Oh, when I sleep you're all I keep, or something.

So remind me not to sleep..

You creep.


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Love is part of a series on Dying Alone

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