MUD

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An example of a login screen for a MUD.
Typical gameplay.

MUD (Multi User Dungeon/Domain): The Beginning

The first MUD was formed in a dark and ungodly basement library, in central America way before the internets turned. Instead of words and pixelated ascii graphics mixed with yiffing and much fucktard-ery, it was filled with wobbly old moulding tables, creaky wooden chairs and FERAL geeks drinking Mountain Dew --whilst eating vast amounts of Cheetos and Peanut Butter Cups. These unkempt beasts were noted for being the greasiest and most repugnant "life forms" ever to exist, grunting about their custom made weaponry, armor and how much their imaginary girlfriends put out. Fast forward a little in time, and these same greasy beasts are still there, but they are now part of the digital make-up of the more modern MUD --but not in their original form.

They have mostly changed into mighty morphin' power nerds, taking on the form of high level trolls, giants, goblin kings or ethreal beasties that only the most skilled MUD-ling can overcome. They have devoted so much time to their beloved MUD that they have fused with their keyboards through the ages and have become at one with their server. Any attempt to prise them away from said servers will result in culture shock, seizures and in more extreme cases, DEATH. At this stage they require no outside nourishment, as the server itself feeds them on the life-force and mana from whichever puny mortal falls prey to them in-game. They are the very epitome of computer nerdery.

MUD Life

MUDs (capitalised like that unless you are a terrorist) are mostly used for cybersex, and size comparison of internet PENISES. People who MUD are without exception horrible basement dwelling gamers who enjoy living vicariously though Sir Knight Stupidass Longname the level 50 barbarian, or some overly flamboyant bard like e-tard that flounces about in a fucking stupid costume, singing about how many flowery butterflies he/she caught with a net, and how much gold some ugly warty gnome king paid he/she for their spoils. They are not unlike LARPers, except they have an even greater aversion to going outside and bathing. Heavily addicted users have been known to kill themselves if their character on the mud dies, as recounted in the Jack Chick horror story "Dark Dungeons".

Entry level MUD'ers might still be relatively sane, if not for their desire to be there in the first place. They will at first treat their MUD platform like a glorified IRC client, attempting to make friends and search for that ever elusive real life girlfriend. However, as time progresses, they will be sucked into the dual existence of MUD-ery and real life. They will become less and less sociable, give less of a fuck about their appearance, and survive on a not so staple diet of sugary drinks and convenience junk foods. In short, they will (if they were not already) turn into fat smelly fucktards, with breath foul enough to kill a bear at 1000 paces, and hair matted enough to nest a small family of owls.


Given that one of the first quests you are given to perform on a MUD will involve some sort of vermin like rats, beetles or other such nasties, each user will likely end up treating the creatures in actual life, in the same manner as they would on their beloved MUD. Squashed insects or rodents will be collected and bagged. They will actually pause for thought at how many they've got saved up and how much gold they can get for them. Initially, they will shake themselves up and remind themselves that they are NOT online, but are in their kitchen doing the dishes, where and unfortunate spider has fallen into a just washed cup. Later on down the line in their total transference into MUD life, they will have stopped doing the dishes entirely, and may even resort to eating dead insects as part of their not so staple junk food diet. The fact that there will be more nourishment in a dead spider is a moot point --it is all part of their progression into a totally pathetic existence.

A typical male MUD player.

If the MUD'er is adult and has a family and responsibilities, over time they will spend more and more time away from them in an effort to devote more life force to the cause. They will skip daily personal grooming to add extra time to raids and vermin collection. They will have forgone their physical duties to their partner, in favour of fapping away into a wank-sock to an imaginary girl/boyfriend on the other side of the internets. They will call in sick to work, just to make up the lost experience points after dying doing their guild quests, and forego family time to hold clan meetings and such, usually to discuss who has the mightiest penis in the land, or which faggoty bard wrote the best faggoty song of the week. Eventually they will get fired, and their families will have left them, although it might take them a week or two to notice, especially when they call for a soda refill and get no reply.

MUD Player DEATH

This could be YOU.

Eventually, these pathetic freaks will die alone. The only link they will maintain with the outside world is their internets connection, and their online shopping delivery of junk food. When it comes to their time of passing, they will sit there unmoving and unafraid, in the full belief that when they die their life-force will be sucked into their MUD server, where they can forever roam and be happy. What actually happens is that they faceplant onto their keyboard and rot away, to be found some weeks later by the local police department as a result of a neighbour reporting a particularly bad stench emanating from their house, covered in slime and maggots and reeking of shit. Weeks can turn to months, as this is not much different than the smell normally escaping the fag's dwelling.

Explanation

Propagandists will try to explain MUDs by comparing them to Zork or other text-adventure games, even though only 3.2% of MUD users have ever played more than five minutes of any text-adventure game before getting confused at the first puzzle. The average mud has several notable distinctions between it and Zork, the largest being that Zork has no cybersex commands. There really is no easy explanation for MUDs other than the fact that they are a gathering of the wankiest people EVAR. (Well, except for WoWfags.)

Others will claim there are several different kinds of MUDs, perhaps even going so far as to use the words MU* or M**. These people are wankers and liars of the worst kind. The only notable subdivision is that called a 'MUSH', which is their code for "furry themed MUD." Obviously, these should be avoided at all costs unless you enjoy gouging out your eyeballs when confronted with two nine-breasted hermtaurs typefucking.

Prominent MUDs

There are a bunch of MUDs on the internets, and 90 percent of them are furry. The other 10 percent are about Transformers, or used explicitly for cybersex, or a combination thereof.

  • Achaea: TopMudSites lists it as number one, home to furries and Otherkin. Achaea is maintained by Iron Realms Entertainment and also maintains other nerdly worlds such as Aetolia, Lusternia and Imperian.
  • FurryMUCK :The original and worst furry MU*. muck.furry.org port 8888
  • ChaoticMUX :A MUD with the ugliest group of people ever gathered in one place ever.
  • Decepticon Dominion :A Transformers MUSH created by Raksha as a place where insane Transfans with a fetish for Decepticons could come and yiff in peace. Is completely empty except on scheduled orgy nights.
  • Split Infinity :A Monsterfurry MUSH created by the makers of Southern Cross where people who have a fear of their own penis or sexuality go to yiff eachother with bizarre monsters which are -absolutely not furries-.
  • Banmud :A place where Bantownians ban you. bantown.com port 4000
  • SWMUD :A frustratingly masochistic game focused around Luke Skywalker and Mr.Spock slash and run by the most tremendously self absorbed losers ever to have LARPed gang banging elves.
  • MCM :A rare mix of many different things, from Furry, to Transformers, all done wrong. Multiverse Crisis
  • M3 :Mega Man Mush.
  • TinyTIM


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