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This is a mall cop. Note the amount of fat this breed of The Man can get away with.

The glorious jewels of American culture, malls have always been incubators for young teenagers struggling to adjust to society. Their stores provide goods for teenagers from all walks of life. In the never-ending quest to come up with new and novel gear for the eager yet easily bored young teens, mall stores often raid subcultures on the margins of pop culture in a quest to sell fashionable clothes to the normals. Grunge listeners spent hours scouring thrift stores for flannel shirts and dirty jeans, for example, but when "Teen Spirit" hit the airwaves every kid in middle America bought the perfect grunge uniform at their local Hot Topic for half the inconvenience and ten times the cost.

Malls are large, intricate, mazes that were originally intended to provide the public a convenient area to buy crap at high prices. For a while, around 20 years ago, malls were pretty bitchin. It allowed white Americans to go buy an Atari, then make fun of niggers, then buy some anti-communist propaganda T-Shirts, then make fun of niggers, then listen to some pop diva sing her one-hit wonder, make fun of niggers, waste more of daddy's money on an arcade game, then make fun of niggers while they play the arcade game, then throw what little money they have left in a fountain, and finish off the day with a refreshing can of making fun of niggers. However, somewhere along the line things went horribly wrong. Keep reading to find out how!

Why Malls Became Shit

Eventually youngsters found out about the magic of the shopping meccas. But they had a problem. They couldn't keep their money in their pockets any longer than they could keep their virginity. And so the modern-day malls were created, full of stores that focus on hypnotizing 16 year old girls with flashy ads, catchy music, and trendy clothes. Hell, most teenagers are so broke now that they simply go to malls to "hang out". Or, if they're teenage girls in relationships, they simply get their boyfriends to buy random crap for them.

One of two things can cause a mall to go head long in to utter crap.

1.The ghetto grows into walking distance of a mall. 2.Public transportation puts numerous stops around a mall.

This will kill and has before killed many malls (loss or win?) The symptoms include one or more of the following.

  • Every recognizable name-brand store is closed.
  • The mall is mostly a mix of white-trash, beaners, and niggers.
  • Stores are aimed at white-trash, beaners, and niggers.
  • Even cheap clothing stores go out of business.
  • One or more shootings are committed on mall grounds.
  • Book stores close in favor of a Lidz or an Urban Knowledge store.
  • GameStop is absent from the mall.

Mall Security Guards

It is important to remember that these fine, upstanding protectors of the shopping experience have fewer rights than you do and should be ignored as such. If they say something to you, listen, and if their statement is bullshit (likely so) turn away. The only power they have is that of a phone, and the real police will have to come in. Most of the time they will side with you, not jolly fat old Stanley P. Kachawski, Mall Guard. Most mall guards suffer from USI and couldn't pass police academy, and are the laughing stock of the law enforcement community. Should a mall guard accost you, remember:

  • They can't touch you, legally.
  • If they attempt to, it is assault.
  • You CAN sue.
  • If you are doing something really stupid, knock it the fuck off or you'll get an irl banhammer from the mall.

Things you can find in a mall

Why you should care

The "self-confessed mall-o-phile since 1969" who runs the Mall Hall of Fame.

You're definitely an internetter if you're reading this, because if you need to find out what a mall is on an online encyclopedia, you've certainly never left your front yard. As such, the only way to make this meaningful to you is to include a discussion of how the internet relates to the concept of a mall. Blogs about malls exist, bringing the excitement of strolling through a shopping paradise to you as you sit on the couch in your unwashed underwear, farting and gulping Mountain Dew. My Blog About Malls is something from a consumer's perspective, listing various shops that can be found at any local mall. Pictures and videos are included. Labelscar is an industry insider's perspective, discussing the history of different malls each week, going deep into the business side of why each mall was a success or a failure.

More in the vein of 1chan are the Mall Hall of Fame and the Shopping Mall Museum. These sites are run by enthusiasts rather than advertisers, and demonstrate serious autism as a result. Though mall fanboys cream their shorts at the thought of "short articles, a few photos, and at least one physical layout drawing" for each mall in a collection, the normal world (those folks who actually go to malls) are unlikely to care or understand, missing completely the higher-level genius of mall blogs.

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