Marry Your Pet
MarryYourPet is a Dutch website which specializes in organizing unofficial weddings between people and their pets. By capitalizing the sick sexual desires of the furry fandom and zoophiles, they try to make them believe that what they’re doing could be legal some day.
Marry Your Pet was created by Dominique Lesbirel, an English freelance writer who discovered her love for animals when some catfood fell on her crotch and her two cats turned into muffdivers. Lesbiarel liked it so much, she married her two cats in a fake wedding ceremony, much to the chagrin of her crow and her goat.
Lesbianrel is helped by Matilda and Adrian, who seem to be experts in bestiality. Matilda’s the priestess who presides over the online ceremony. Adrian’ll answer the most twisted FAQ’s, like “Can I marry more than one pet?”, “Can I marry a pet of the same sex?”, “How do I know if he's the one for me?”, “What about the bad times?”, “Can I marry a pet if I’m already married to a human?” and “How should I ‘pop the question’?”
The rest of the site is done by Marco de Boer, a humble character who is described as a “twisted yet fun graphic designer who manages to run his own business profitably, whilst still doing exceptional creative work.”
MYP's Wedding Plans
They offer three basic wedding plans:
- The Simple Wedding: for $10 you get a lame certificate that states your paraphilia.
- The Big Wedding: for $35 you get the aforementioned certificate and a 'I married my pet' t-shirt "so you can show the whole world just how much you cherish your pet." Piece of advice: if you live in the Bronx, don't wear it, for God's sake.
- The Biggest Wedding: 50 bucks, you said? Ha! You'll have to pay $200 if you want a dreadful hand-embroidered, personalized wall plaque that rivals lemonparty or the tubgirl in its nauseating effects.
To top it all, all married couples can have their picture on the MarryYourPet Happy Couples page.
Do you really need to know more, you fucking pervert?
Some rules of MYP, as well as their Disclaimer, try to imply that they don't encourage sexual acts between animals and humans. Nice try:
1. This is a contract between you, your pet, and MarryYourPet. It is not recognized by a court of law.
2. This union is a marriage of minds and companionship. You have no conjugal rights.
2.1 If you want to consummate the marriage, we suggest you both share some cake. If your pet has a food allergy then a pat on the head will suffice.
3. You are not allowed to mistreat your pet in any way.
3.1 You cannot make him pick up your pants, put up with your nostril hair or use him as a general dogsbody - even if he is indeed a dog.
3.2 Just because you have a friend for life doesn't mean you can let yourself go. You may not go around in a dirty vest, scratching your nether regions. You may not get excessively fat. Just because you live with a dog doesn't mean you can behave like one. The lid of the toilet must be kept down, always replace the top on the toothpaste. If you must clip your toenails in the lounge, don't leave them in the plant pots. You may not wear unfashionable clothes or tell bad jokes. You may not embarrass your pet at any time.
4 Marriage is for life or until your contract expires. You are not allowed to take the life of your pet.
4.1 If you're having a really rough patch then see a Marriage Guidance Counselor. If you still can't get it together then may we suggest either a shrink or divorceyourpet.com
Please note that your pet may be entitled to half your assets and regular financial support.
5. You cannot marry your pet just to get at his money. Your dog's money will remain his own even after marriage (unless of course he wants to leave it to us - call for payment details). This does not work in reverse however. With or without a marriage contract, once you've been living together for 3 years or more, your pet is entitled to half your house. (If he's peed in more than half the house then just give it to him. You'll never get rid of the smell anyway.)
6. It is the norm for your pet to assume your surname after marriage.
6.1 If you or your pet is not happy with this, that's okay. You can call your pet whatever you like. If in doubt, we're bound to have a few suggestions, but they probably won't be polite.
7. The decision of MarryYourPet is final. If we feel that you are too boring, sad or perverted for your pet, we will not give our consent to marriage.
8. Any infringement of the above will render your contract null and void.
8.1 If you don't play with your pet regularly, tolerate his nagging and allocate him equal TV time, you could be in infringement of your contract.
8.2 MarryYourPet is not responsible for any deviations from the contract.
9. MarryYourPet can change the rules at any time, especially if this gets us out of tricky situations.
—Somebody named Margaret
They actually think this is romance and pure love, prepare yourself for epic lulz.
- Lucifer & Judas
"I've been with Judas for a while now, and everyone usually laughs and 'aws' when I introduce him formally as my "Lifepartner." But I love him, way, way more than any human relationships I have. (Though Brent is a close second in my heart.) He's always been there for me, even when I was fat. He didn't call me lard loaf like Lindsay (the fatcist), and at the end of the day, he still slept under my butt despite the added poundage. I don't care what you say. That, is love. He's the only thing I miss while I'm on tour, and the only one I'm really faithful to. (Bijou running a close second, but then again I have proved that I can train Judas, it follows that someone should be able to train me.) And when I come home to LA, he doesn't care how I smell. Hell our bond is so deep, that we're even starting to look and act like each other! I'd be lost without him. xox."
- Tep & Mr Jingles
"my love story is the best. see i met my pet monkey when i went to africa. that is where i live now you see. and it was love at first sight! i named him mr jingles you know like that mousie off of the green mile. any who, so we met and then i realized i couldnt live without my shnuckums. mr jingles tells me everything we have good communication, and he wants to marry me he preposed to me and i said YES! he is just my best friend in the world. sincerly tep"
- Cindy and Lola
" When I first saw Lola, she was just a fluffy bundle of fuzz. She was in a pet shop packed in a cage with so many other cats. She was so tiny. I think she may have been taken from her mother too soon. She just wouldn't stop mewing and I couldn't help but pick her up. Her sweet little eyes just drew me in and that was all it took. Now Lola is 4 years old and she's the best friend I could ever have. She's always there to greet me at the door when I get home from work, and if I hit the snooze too many times in the morning she's by my side meowing in my ear telling me it's time to wake up. She meows so much that at times it seems like we're carrying on full conversations. I talk to her and she answers me and vice versa. She always flops over for a belly rub and scoots herself across the floor. It's the cutest thing in the world to me. I love her more than anything. She is my world. "
- Cyndi and Boris
My name is Cyndi, and I am hopelessly in love with my African Grey Parrot, Boris.
I met him two and a half-years ago, at a bird faire in St. Petersburg Florida, where he was being sold as a "bappy" (baby bird.) It was love at first sight! There he was, in all his feathered glory, anxiously looking up at me, as if to say, "Please take me home." His pretty black eyes sparkled and my heart melted. I gently picked him up, and held him to my chest. He made a tiny little "mewling" sound and rested his little feathery head against my neck. I turned into butter...
I knew then and there that I must have him! I had to walk away to make sure I had my credit card with me, so I placed him back into his brooder. When I returned, he immediately started to cry and rock back and forth, looking directly into my eyes. I took him home with me, fed him his two feedings of baby bird food, and he and I bonded.
Two and a half years later, I still look into his pretty eyes, which are now a pretty shade of lemon-yellow, and I still see the love in his eyes. He's my best friend; always there when I am feeling blue, and his silly antics keep me laughing constantly. I love my Boris, and wouldn't trade him for the WORLD!
Marco and Thomas: A photo journal
"Marco (male furry) and Thomas (female cat [victim]) met in Hoorn, North Holland. Marco took her home on the next train to Amsterdam and they've never looked back. Thomas is clearly a good catch. She shits during dinner, hates women, and is anorexic if she doesn't get enough attention. Marco just loves her cheery 'good morning' calls."
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