Matt Ward

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Matt Ward in neckbeard form
Artist's depiction of Matt Ward's true form

Matt Ward is an agent of God sent from on high to punish transgressors, much like Hitler. His divine mission is to mercilessly troll the ever-loving fuck out of neckbeards, /tg/, and the Warhammer 40k fan base at large. His skill in this regard was noticed by the sadistic jews of Games Workshop, who subsequently granted him gainful employment in the field of professional rage solicitation.

He Who Would Drink The Tears Of Manchildren

The man who would become Lord Ward, Antichrist of Autists, began his "hobbyist" career in a most inauspicious manner. He started by writing rulebooks for a tabletop miniatures game set in a Lord of the Rings campaign, but no one could give a fuck less about LOTR. Unable to acquire his lifeblood of lulz in this fashion, Sir Ward extensively studied The Protocols of the Elders of Zion so that he might better understand the overlords of Games Workshop. Having promised them heretofore unheard of troves of precious gold in exchange for providing Ward a writing position in their Warhammer 40k division, they had no choice but to agree. As is custom, the arrangement was sealed with the ritual sacrifice of a gentile infant.

Rise Of The Hierophant

Saint Ward wasted no time in destroying the 40k fandom. He immediately began rewriting the storyline to better serve his favorite army, the Ultramarines... "favorite" because most everyone loathes them. This wasn't the only army to be given the Mary Sue treatment; others had their gameplay rules buffed to the point of nigh invincibility. While fans regard Ward's crunch to be an abomination, they sperg out uncontrollably when reading his fluff. Ward openly stated that the Ultramarines are the greatest of the Space Marines, and that other chapters are both deviant and envious of their superiors. Players (correctly) interpreted this as Master Ward stating "If you use a Space Marine army that isn't the one I like, you're doing it wrong." Using powers of miraculous divination, Matt Ward, Esquire, discovered the paradoxical fact that fat, lonely virgins with more time and money than friends or common sense were appalled by literary depictions of violence against fictional women. Thus, whenever the Sisters of Battle appear in a story or battle report, they are always brutally slaughtered. Even the Grey Knights, the holiest of mankind's warriors, were depicted as purifying themselves by killing these space nuns and bathing in their blood. One can almost pity the wretches who spent hundreds or even thousands of dollars on plastic crap, only to be trolled out of the arena. Almost.

Cries Of The Damned

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only butthurt.
   
 
if anyone finally did get a hold of him in person they would stab him at least 30 times with a blunt butter knife
 

 
 

—Milisim

   
 
Feel no pain should be "Feel no pain of the fans".
 

 
 

—DevianID, characterizing Ward... in game mechanics terms

   
 
I don't like him because he turned my heroes of humanity into big scumbags just because "no one is good in the 40th millenium" according to him.
 

 
 

—serotol, failing to grasp the concept of "grimdark"

   
 
Because his fluff reads like it was written like a breathless 12-year-old going hyperactive over his latest fan fic? Because the man writes like he is attempting to remove the word 'subtle' from the English language? Because he seems to think that bigger/louder/MORE is a justifiable way to construct a narrative? Because he introduces cringe-inducing lists of weapons that just sound silly (eg. all the 'Blood' items in the BA Codex, Nemesis fething DOOMFISTS)? Because he introduces idiotic Mary Sue characters that seem to go against the nature of 40K (The Sanguinor, Kaldor Draigo)? Pick one. Or all.
 

 
 

—H.B.M.C., giving a detailed answer to "Why have you been trolled?"

   
 
The only reason he invented Bloodtide story was to show us his opinion on Sisters of Battle.
 

 
 

—Brother Coa does not like to read about the violent deaths of space nuns

   
 
What I want to know is, has he ruined your hobby as much as he has to me and my underpowered Tau?
 

 
 

—Godz BuzzSaw. This pleases Ward.


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