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cuz books with guitars on them are soo metal.

I have never met so many people that enjoyed the scent of their own genitalia


—Anonymous on Metal-Archives Forum

Metal-Archives is a website owned by a few scene kids from Canada who think they know everything there is to know about metal. The site itself is broken into a band database & reviews section, and a messageboard that is typically little more than a shitfest of people trying to prove how hardcore- excuse me, kvlt they are because they listen to ultra-obscure super raw black metal from Mongolia. Seriously, this site hates anything remotely mainstream, which is ironic considering the point of producing music is to turn a profit.

A Clusterfuck of Opinions

The reviews on Metal-Archives - hereafter known as MA - are, without sounding pretentious, some of the most juvenile, braindead, molested pieces of thinly diced dog phallus sprinkled with super-cheap, no-name brand stink-like-shit Parmesan cheese that are currently fucking up any sort of reliability that the internet has as a shopping guide for extreme music. To actually be able to express how bad these reviews are in a fashion that suitably describes them would take a whole wiki of Uncyclopedic adjective redundancy. I mean, Jesus Christ:



—The first line of a long-standing MA review, on being sucky to the max

"Poser metal"

Poser metal is a byword for anything that any MA doesn't like. It means that the album is loved by scene kids and is available at Hot Topic. Of course, the problem with this is that A), a band has no control over where their label sells their albums nor can they control who listens to it, and B) a great deal of metal albums,including their vaunted black metal, is readily available at Hot Topic. But within the context of MA, anything that is popular, even a little, is considered "false metal". Metalcore, which has less faggotry than they would like you to believe, is almost synonymous with the term, as is nu metal. Any metalhead with any love for the music and not the reverse-popularity contest it's become no thanks to MA outside of it actually uses the word. Or using mallcore as a term for nu metal.


A quick example of the kind of elitist cunts that lurk around Metal-Archives would be this necro and gr1m music video from well-known cuntwipe droneriot. This shit is srs bzns.

If you don't enjoy this music, then you are obviously not deaf enough to write reviews for the site. Moderators on the Forum have been known to ban users for the following offenses: nothing. High on a power trip, they gain points through contributing the following to the encyclopedia: nothing. Things that qualify half the site to actually write about music: nothing.

The latter is actually evidenced in reviews like such:

All right, it's not technically sophisticated and most of the keyboard playing sounds as if it's being done with just two fingers plus a lot of tape looping but in its own way, Burzum's "Filosofem" album is an advance in music composition for mid-1990s black metal: the repetitive and austere minimalist approach, the emphasis on dark and brooding atmosphere in the bulk of the album and on portraying extreme solitude and desperation generally, and the integration of synthesizer-based ambient elements into the guitars / bass/ drums set-up is a combination that was probably unusual at the time of the album's release though it is something we take for granted these days. Like "Hvis Lyset Tar Oss" before it, "Filosofem" is a perfect illustration of the "Less is more" cliche: the almost ridiculously simple approach to song-writing, playing, arrangements and production has created an album of very dark and complex emotions, wide spaces and cold, melancholic beauty, and as can be seen in the reviews below, this can result in a variety of reactions and interpretations with the same track engendering feelings of peace in some people and loneliness or emptiness in others, and surely this outcome is what we expect of great albums. The pivotal track of "Filosofem" in my view and the one referred to just now is the fifth track "Rundgang um die Transzendentale Saule der Singularitat" which is played entirely on synth and initially comes across as a too-long maddeningly repetitive piece with no apparent development, climax or resolution. However, if you listen to it a number of times, the track does change quite a bit in some of its details and the plaintive melody, repeated over and over with clear pure tones, has a trance-inducing effect. You can float away in a serene peace (the music can seem a bit New Age-y for some people) or you can be awestruck by the level of bleakness, emptiness and nihilism revealed. This is most definitely a track you cannot feel indifferent towards! "Rundgang ..." is bookended by two shorter pieces, "Gebrechlichkeit I" and Gebrechlichkeit II", which have the same melodies but musically are different, the former featuring wild shrieking vocals and the latter being more keyboard-based but without any vocals: I see these tracks as representing two sides of the same thing, possibly ascent and descent respectively or vice versa, and when all three tracks so far mentioned are considered in their proper order on the album, I would say a ritual involving a life-changing transformation is implied here. Incidentally "Gebrechlichkeit" can mean "decrepitude" but according to a German-English dictionary I have, it can also mean "fragility" which seems more appropriate to "Filosofem". Now for the other three tracks on "Filosofem" which I prefer personally (I'm nowhere near as kvlt-as-fvck as I might have sounded earlier): "Dunkelheit" is a strong opening track and establishes the album's style straight away, with rough yet clear production, distorted guitar fuzz all the way through the song, strummed-guitar instrumental, dead-simple keyboard melodies and heavily distorted singing / shrieking that almost merges with the guitars. Having the keyboards and the guitars playing the same melody together shows up the contrast between the harsh guitar sound and the smooth, almost sweet tones of the keys, and this helps to produce a feeling of pain, depression and loneliness with a minimum of effort. The next two tracks are more black metal but like the other pieces are still repetitive, minimalist in structure and trance-like. "Jesus Tod" is the most aggressive song, an emphatic rejection of Christianity and all it stands for, and has a blistering pace and rhythm to back up the hatred Vikernes feels towards this religion. After this track comes the embrace of Odin-worship in the piece "Erblicket die Tochter des Firmaments" ("Beholding the daughters of the firmament", that is, seeing the Valkyries of Norse myth come down from the skies to collect the dead heroes) which is mid-paced with a basic rhythm and a more resigned, even contemplative mood. At this point we run up against the trio of "Rundgang ..." and the "Gebrechlichkeit" tracks, and I can now see with the hindsight of writing waffling reviews that (for me anyway) the album traces the inner struggle with darkness, the rejection of old and outmoded values and ways of thinking, the willingness to embrace a new ideology and code of values, and the consequences of changing one's ways. As most of us are already too aware of, Varg Vikernes himself more or less followed through on what "Filosofem" suggests and found that indeed, the consequences were life-changing and transforming but not necessarily in the way he might have expected; for him, I think, the inner struggle of individual values versus society values (and I am not suggesting one set of values is to be preferred over another - I suspect that Vikernes's Odin-worship is a cover for his neo-Nazi beliefs but that's my opinion) will continue and the consequences of that which he will have to live with for the rest of his life are still to come. And I guess this is the paradox about "Filosofem" that makes it a classic black metal album: it is at once a personal journey and struggle of a particular kind, and yet one we can all understand and relate to, so the album becomes an example of the journeys and choices we must make, and the suffering we must accept and bear when we make them.


All of this was taken from a review on Burzum's "Filosofem." Notice immediately how the critic goes on and on about black person and shit like that instead of actually talking about the music. PROTIP: If you think Burzum's albums are a journey, move the fuck out of your mother's basement. However, any attempt to point this out will result in a quick ban through community uproar, seeing as if you don't like Burzum, you're just not trve enough.

Now, while the administrators at Metal-Archives claim to have a high standard for reviews, that doesn't keep from letting the kvlter-than-thou fanboys from writing utterly useless slag pieces on bands that are just way too popular to like.

This album loses even more of the riffs and turns into a dangerously groove-filled environment. Lots of Korn influence on here. The last album couldn't be called thrash, this one barely struggles to be called metal. A lot of the features central to mallcore can be found here, and I don't just mean rapped vocals - the general idea where the guitar is de-emphasised and "atmosphere" is attempted through the use of slowing down the song and inserting some whiney vocals.

The drumwork is actually the saving grace of the album, and what keeps it barely metal. There is some decent double-bass to be found here, and if it weren't so damn emphasized in the mix at the expense of the guitars, it would be a nice backdrop.

A highly questionable album. This band just gets shittier and shittier. Insert here the obligatory note of how Vio-lence is so much fucking better.


— Seriously, what the fuck is this shit and who tells these people their reviews are actually doing something other than making people who actually like music want to buy the album. Also what the hell is with this guy and the phrase "found here"?

There are over 9000 of both types of reviews, but they're the only ones you will find. You'd really wonder if the admins who accept these reviews onto the site even read their own rules, saying as one of the first restrictions put on reviews are:

2) Neutral information

We want and welcome opinions – for the reviews section! In the band encyclopaedia, the description needs to be as neutral as possible. For example, in the “genre” field, do not fill out “kick-ass TRUE black person metal” or “wimpy keyboard-based goth fag music”. Keep that for the reviews. And even there, try to be more original (just a suggestion…). Do NOT write stuff, [Note: I love the unnecessary comma. They should have changed it to a period and omitted everything after it] in the lineup or notes fields or anywhere else, that promotes or bashes the band in question! Do not write a biography in the first person, e.g. "This is my band we formed last year, we sound like band X and draw influences from Y, etc etc". That kind of text will just get edited out.


—Metal-Archives rules, too bad only 3 MA users read them

Other Review Examples


The Death Of Black Metal

After months upon months - perhaps even years - of hype, the new album from the self proclaimed saviours of black metal, Watain's album has arrived. Does it live up to expectations? For me personally, yes. For the crowds of kiddies who believe that Watain are actually evil, I'm sure it lives up to their expectations aswell.

After their last full length Sworn to the Dark was released, it was clear what direction this band wanted to take with their music, and whilst at best it was insulting to anyone who is more than a casual listener of black metal it didn't even begin to reach the levels of shame that Lawless Darkness is responsible for.

Now, why would I say such a thing? This album contains great musicianship, some well thought out poetry and has some decent artwork to go along. So why all the hate?

This is nothing more than a pop album, a social experiment for the consumer, a vehicle for the metal "mass media". We get the same old recycled riffs, the same old typical metaphysical bullshit lyrics about "evil", the same old Necromorbus studio production and the same recycled attitude that these guys actually believe they are the scourge of the universe.

There is literally nothing more to say than to avoid this piece of shit. And before all of the kiddies and fangirls with their Watain tattoos, Watain patches, Watain shirts, Watain posters, Watain beer mugs, Watain car airfresheners and Watain condoms decide to get angry at me and cast a chaos magic spell to destroy me, just remember - Yes, I am talking shit about those three grown men who are posing on magazine covers covered in fake blood, with CGI snakes.

And here I was, thinking black metal was about the individual and not some ridiculous group mindset.

PS; Did I mention the CGI snakes?


—Seriously, if you think [this] is pop music, than wake up and smell the goatse. Also note how only one sentence is about the music

DreaD is a Thrash Metal band from a small Canadian town on the U.S border called St Stephen, New Brunswick. A town of country music, drunken hillbillies, and weekly High School and Middle School drug busts. In this town, almost no Metal bands exist, which is why seeing this band at a benefit concert in grade 7 affected me so greatly. I decided that being a Metal musician, successful or not, was all I wanted to do in life.

I bought this album about a week after the show and enjoyed it very much. This is not 100% purist Thrash by any means. Most of the album is more mid paced and heavy, although fast songs are present.

Chris McCrossin's clean(ish) vocals sound almost Quorthon like, but his screams are more distinctive, I've seen him hold 30 second screams at concerts on several occasions. The guitar work on the album is riff based as one would expect, guitarists Greg Wilson and Travis Dufour (now replaced by Tyler Goodine) write mostly simple but often very catchy riffs. The intro to "Anguish" in particular is extremely memorable. Bassist Dan Keenan (no longer in the band either) plays the FUCK out of his bass, I once saw him break the fattest string on their first song, and he doesn't use a pick. Drummer Chad Linton has a very distinctive style that is hard to explain, but since he gives drum lessons, almost every drummer in town sounds like him. The drums are probably what makes the band sound as unique as they do. The production is surprisingly clean, there is a slight reverb effect to it that gives it an old school kind of vibe.

The best songs on the album for me would be Anguish, for it's insane catchiness, Pissed, with it's badass metal-as-fuck riffs, and Pillcrusher, because whenever they play it at shows, the crowd goes insane! EVERYONE sings along to the chorus, where he screams "PILLCRUSHYYEEEAAAAAH" and holds it until his face is brownish red.

You know that loud guy at the front of every show, screaming obsceneties with middle fingers and horns in the air, banging his head so hard he's in danger of throwing out his back, getting weird looks from a few uncool people but not giving a fuck? That is me at DreaD concerts.



Tips for Crafting Your Very Own Metal-Archive Review!

So you want to write your own review for Metal Archives, eh? Well, there are a few steps you need to take in order to do so.

1. Deciding on a good title should be the priority here, but there are a few key factors. For instance, if you're reviewing an American Black metal band, you must never be positive. A title like "fuq u!!! bvrzvm!" always does the trick, but be creative. Here's a good example:

"Xasthur? More Like Assthur, amirite?"

Since you have displayed the wit of a 13 year old boy, you are now ready to write your review!

2. To open, make sure you tell some boring, droning story about how you got this album (don't be honest though, or else all of them would start with "I pirated this"), or the secondary option, make a long-winded rant about how x band's new album was nowhere near as good as their last.

3. Onto the actual music. These are the only terms you can use:

  • Brutal
  • Kvlt
  • Necro
  • Grim
  • Frostbitten (or just frosty)
  • Thrashy
  • Buzzsaw
  • Chugging riffs
  • Distorted guitars
  • Melody(Must always be followed by "is gay")
  • Detuned
  • tr00
  • Fimbvlwinter
  • Mustard Gas
  • Lobster Claws
  • Dropped (or deep) C, B, Bb, etc...
  • Punish/ing
  • Breakdown (as in, "the best _______")
  • Lasers
  • Bears
  • Chairs (metalheads hate chairs)

Anything that you don't like or that is simply a little more mainstream must be labelled "mallcore". No exceptions.

You can either go with that edict, or you can follow this:

1. Go to any LJ role-playing group.
2. Ctrl+C
3. Paste
4. ????
5. Profit!

4. An hero and claim that Dead was a visionary. Liek Jesus.

The Metal-Archives rating system

Another popular way that albums on metal archives are rated is by the metal archives rating system, which is a meticulous system that looks at each album objectively in order to give each album the most fair and accurate score. It also determines just how "tr00" or "kvlt" a band really is. Here's how it works:

Each band's album starts with a rating of 100%. After all, like all professional music critics should act, we've got to be completely fair and unbiased in our reviews, right? Next, certain traits will be noted, and a certain amount of points will be deducted or added for certain particular traits.

Here's how the album's rating or score is calculated:

  • Did the album sell more than 100 copies? If so, subtract 10 points.
  • Did it go gold or platinum? If so, subtract 20 points.
  • Does the band have a video on MTV? If so, subtract 30 points.
  • Has the band ever played for audiences bigger than 20 people? If so, subtract 10 points.
  • Have more than 5 people in your town heard of this band? If so, subtract 20 points.
  • Does the singer actually sing, as opposed to just using typical talentless bR00tal cookie monster "growling?" If so, subtract 15 points.
  • Does the band write lots of strong melodies? subtract 50 points.
  • Is the band from Norway? If so, Add 10 points.
  • Is the band's logo completely illegible? If so, Add 10 points.
  • Does the band look good? If so, subtract 50 points(unless it's girls in the band looking good, it's a requirement for the girls in metal to look good. But if the guys do, it makes all us slovenly unkempt neckbeards feel bad because we have small dicks and we never get any, and the guys in bands that do get girls are all posers by default)
  • No make up, costumes, or visual images of any sort are acceptable for male band members UNLESS they wear corpse paint and long, unwashed, ratty, greasy hair. That's fine. "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE M00Zik BRAH!!!"
  • Does the band have an excellent lead guitarist? If so, subtract 20 points. Be sure to complain about "guitar wankery" in your review as well.
  • Are ANY of the members excellent musicians? If so, subtract 20 points. "MUSICAL TALENT IS FOR POSERS!1!1!!!
  • Are there any keyboards on the album? If so, subtract 40 points.
  • Is the band doing something new or innovative? If so, they aren't tr00, so subtract 30 points.
  • Is the band NOT doing something new or innovative? If so, complain about it and subtract 30 points.
  • Does the band write about typical subjects like gore, satanism, or pseudo-intellectual nihilistic crap? If so, they're geniuses. Add 50 points.
  • Does the band write about unicorns, knights, or anything positive whatsoever? THAT'S NOT METAL!!! Subtract 50 points.
  • Success makes you a poser. If the band is successful and making a living on music, subtract 50 points.
  • Anything that has sold 500,000 copies or more gets a rating of 50% by default. No exceptions.
  • Anything that has sold 1,000,000 copies or more gets a rating of 0% by default. No exceptions.
  • Is the band a group of fat, ugly, musically inept neckbeards with long greasy hair who couldn't actually write a good melody to save their lives? If so, add 100 points.

As you can see, the metal archives rating system is a meticulous, elaborate, and completely objective rating system that was carefully and painstakingly designed by our most knowledgeable of critics and musical experts in order to give each album the most accurate and unbiased rating, because here at metal-archives we believe in quality music and quality reviews.

Tips for Trolling

  • Go to the Death Metal Help Thread. Recommended a Metalcore band when someone asks for something that sounds "old school".
  • Give Cryptopsy's "The Unspoken King" a rating of 100%.
  • Give Morbid Angel's "Illud Divinum Insanus" a rating of 100%
  • Give an honest review based on logic and musicality, not in comparison to other albums or even other genres.
  • Tell them "God Hates Us All" was better than "Reign In Blood".
  • Tell them Cradle Of Filth is better than Mayhem.
  • Tell them you're a Christian.
  • Ask why black metal bands have to look like KISS. (Old as the internet, but always does the trick)
  • Insist that Slipknot is technical death metal.
  • Write a review of a metalcore band without using the word "mallcore".
  • Tell them Varg Vikernes wastes his time hating niggers when he should be hating Jews.
  • Give Trivium a positive review.
  • Tell them, persistently, that one of the members of Iron Maiden is a Christian.
  • Review Grunge bands, and when some one says "Fuckin' N00B! Grunge ain't Metal" Reply, "Alice in Chains, Tad, and Jesus Christ Pose."
  • Tell them you think Oli Sykes is "Teh Br00talist Deff Metul/Grindcore vokillist eva!"
  • Tell them that Tim Owens is a better singer than Matt Barlow ever was.
  • For that matter, tell them Corpsegrinder is far better than Chris Barnes.
  • "If I wanted to hear a mongoloid beat his dick against a cheese-grater, I'd listen to (subject's favorite band)."
  • Tell them that you are Rob Darken
  • Ask why Soulfly isn't trve enough to be in the archives, but Cavalera's last band, Sepultura, was.
  • "You only rejected Animals As Leaders because the lead guitarist is black."
  • Say their favorite bands are emo
  • Insist that System of a Down and Korn deserve archive pages because they are pioneers of modern progressive metal.
  • Suggest that Iwrestledabearonce is "aaammaaaaziiing," and "omg she can growl AND sing good"
  • Talk about this article on their chatroom

See also


[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery] looks like a Pulitzer Prize contender next to this.


This shit is just pathetic BALEETED.

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