|Hey!||This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster.
You can help by people who delete shit, and vandalizing their user pages.
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|This article needs a serious clean up|
—Anonymous on Metal-Archives Forum
Metal-Archives is a website owned by a few scene kids from Canada who think they know everything there is to know about metal. The site itself is broken into a band database & reviews section, and a messageboard that is typically little more than a shitfest of people trying to prove how hardcore- excuse me, kvlt they are because they listen to ultra-obscure super raw black metal from Mongolia. Seriously, this site hates anything remotely mainstream, which is ironic considering the point of producing music is to turn a profit.
A Clusterfuck of Opinions
The reviews on Metal-Archives - hereafter known as MA - are, without sounding pretentious, some of the most juvenile, braindead, molested pieces of thinly diced dog phallus sprinkled with super-cheap, no-name brand stink-like-shit Parmesan cheese that are currently fucking up any sort of reliability that the internet has as a shopping guide for extreme music. To actually be able to express how bad these reviews are in a fashion that suitably describes them would take a whole wiki of Uncyclopedic adjective redundancy. I mean, Jesus Christ:
—The first line of a long-standing MA review, on being sucky to the max
Poser metal is a byword for anything that any MA doesn't like. It means that the album is loved by scene kids and is available at Hot Topic. Of course, the problem with this is that A), a band has no control over where their label sells their albums nor can they control who listens to it, and B) a great deal of metal albums,including their vaunted black metal, is readily available at Hot Topic. But within the context of MA, anything that is popular, even a little, is considered "false metal". Metalcore, which has less faggotry than they would like you to believe, is almost synonymous with the term, as is nu metal. Any metalhead with any love for the music and not the reverse-popularity contest it's become no thanks to MA outside of it actually uses the word. Or using mallcore as a term for nu metal.
If you don't enjoy this music, then you are obviously not deaf enough to write reviews for the site. Moderators on the Forum have been known to ban users for the following offenses: nothing. High on a power trip, they gain points through contributing the following to the encyclopedia: nothing. Things that qualify half the site to actually write about music: nothing.
The latter is actually evidenced in reviews like such:
All of this was taken from a review on Burzum's "Filosofem." Notice immediately how the critic goes on and on about black person and shit like that instead of actually talking about the music. PROTIP: If you think Burzum's albums are a journey, move the fuck out of your mother's basement. However, any attempt to point this out will result in a quick ban through community uproar, seeing as if you don't like Burzum, you're just not trve enough.
Now, while the administrators at Metal-Archives claim to have a high standard for reviews, that doesn't keep from letting the kvlter-than-thou fanboys from writing utterly useless slag pieces on bands that are just way too popular to like.
— Seriously, what the fuck is this shit and who tells these people their reviews are actually doing something other than making people who actually like music want to buy the album. Also what the hell is with this guy and the phrase "found here"?
There are over 9000 of both types of reviews, but they're the only ones you will find. You'd really wonder if the admins who accept these reviews onto the site even read their own rules, saying as one of the first restrictions put on reviews are:
—Metal-Archives rules, too bad only 3 MA users read them
Other Review Examples
Tips for Crafting Your Very Own Metal-Archive Review!
So you want to write your own review for Metal Archives, eh? Well, there are a few steps you need to take in order to do so.
1. Deciding on a good title should be the priority here, but there are a few key factors. For instance, if you're reviewing an American Black metal band, you must never be positive. A title like "fuq u!!! bvrzvm!" always does the trick, but be creative. Here's a good example:
"Xasthur? More Like Assthur, amirite?"
Since you have displayed the wit of a 13 year old boy, you are now ready to write your review!
2. To open, make sure you tell some boring, droning story about how you got this album (don't be honest though, or else all of them would start with "I pirated this"), or the secondary option, make a long-winded rant about how x band's new album was nowhere near as good as their last.
3. Onto the actual music. These are the only terms you can use:
- Frostbitten (or just frosty)
- Chugging riffs
- Distorted guitars
- Melody(Must always be followed by "is gay")
- Mustard Gas
- Lobster Claws
- Dropped (or deep) C, B, Bb, etc...
- Breakdown (as in, "the best _______")
- Chairs (metalheads hate chairs)
Anything that you don't like or that is simply a little more mainstream must be labelled "mallcore". No exceptions.
You can either go with that edict, or you can follow this:
The Metal-Archives rating system
Another popular way that albums on metal archives are rated is by the metal archives rating system, which is a meticulous system that looks at each album objectively in order to give each album the most fair and accurate score. It also determines just how "tr00" or "kvlt" a band really is. Here's how it works:
Each band's album starts with a rating of 100%. After all, like all professional music critics should act, we've got to be completely fair and unbiased in our reviews, right? Next, certain traits will be noted, and a certain amount of points will be deducted or added for certain particular traits.
Here's how the album's rating or score is calculated:
- Did the album sell more than 100 copies? If so, subtract 10 points.
- Did it go gold or platinum? If so, subtract 20 points.
- Does the band have a video on MTV? If so, subtract 30 points.
- Has the band ever played for audiences bigger than 20 people? If so, subtract 10 points.
- Have more than 5 people in your town heard of this band? If so, subtract 20 points.
- Does the singer actually sing, as opposed to just using typical talentless bR00tal cookie monster "growling?" If so, subtract 15 points.
- Does the band write lots of strong melodies? subtract 50 points.
- Is the band from Norway? If so, Add 10 points.
- Is the band's logo completely illegible? If so, Add 10 points.
- Does the band look good? If so, subtract 50 points(unless it's girls in the band looking good, it's a requirement for the girls in metal to look good. But if the guys do, it makes all us slovenly unkempt neckbeards feel bad because we have small dicks and we never get any, and the guys in bands that do get girls are all posers by default)
- No make up, costumes, or visual images of any sort are acceptable for male band members UNLESS they wear corpse paint and long, unwashed, ratty, greasy hair. That's fine. "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE M00Zik BRAH!!!"
- Does the band have an excellent lead guitarist? If so, subtract 20 points. Be sure to complain about "guitar wankery" in your review as well.
- Are ANY of the members excellent musicians? If so, subtract 20 points. "MUSICAL TALENT IS FOR POSERS!1!1!!!
- Are there any keyboards on the album? If so, subtract 40 points.
- Is the band doing something new or innovative? If so, they aren't tr00, so subtract 30 points.
- Is the band NOT doing something new or innovative? If so, complain about it and subtract 30 points.
- Does the band write about typical subjects like gore, satanism, or pseudo-intellectual nihilistic crap? If so, they're geniuses. Add 50 points.
- Does the band write about unicorns, knights, or anything positive whatsoever? THAT'S NOT METAL!!! Subtract 50 points.
- Success makes you a poser. If the band is successful and making a living on music, subtract 50 points.
- Anything that has sold 500,000 copies or more gets a rating of 50% by default. No exceptions.
- Anything that has sold 1,000,000 copies or more gets a rating of 0% by default. No exceptions.
- Is the band a group of fat, ugly, musically inept neckbeards with long greasy hair who couldn't actually write a good melody to save their lives? If so, add 100 points.
As you can see, the metal archives rating system is a meticulous, elaborate, and completely objective rating system that was carefully and painstakingly designed by our most knowledgeable of critics and musical experts in order to give each album the most accurate and unbiased rating, because here at metal-archives we believe in quality music and quality reviews.
Tips for Trolling
- Go to the Death Metal Help Thread. Recommended a Metalcore band when someone asks for something that sounds "old school".
- Give Cryptopsy's "The Unspoken King" a rating of 100%.
- Give Morbid Angel's "Illud Divinum Insanus" a rating of 100%
- Give an honest review based on logic and musicality, not in comparison to other albums or even other genres.
- Tell them "God Hates Us All" was better than "Reign In Blood".
- Tell them Cradle Of Filth is better than Mayhem.
- Tell them you're a Christian.
- Ask why black metal bands have to look like KISS. (Old as the internet, but always does the trick)
- Insist that Slipknot is technical death metal.
- Write a review of a metalcore band without using the word "mallcore".
- Tell them Varg Vikernes wastes his time hating niggers when he should be hating Jews.
- Give Trivium a positive review.
- Tell them, persistently, that one of the members of Iron Maiden is a Christian.
- Review Grunge bands, and when some one says "Fuckin' N00B! Grunge ain't Metal" Reply, "Alice in Chains, Tad, and Jesus Christ Pose."
- Tell them you think Oli Sykes is "Teh Br00talist Deff Metul/Grindcore vokillist eva!"
- Tell them that Tim Owens is a better singer than Matt Barlow ever was.
- For that matter, tell them Corpsegrinder is far better than Chris Barnes.
- "If I wanted to hear a mongoloid beat his dick against a cheese-grater, I'd listen to (subject's favorite band)."
- Tell them that you are Rob Darken
- Ask why Soulfly isn't trve enough to be in the archives, but Cavalera's last band, Sepultura, was.
- "You only rejected Animals As Leaders because the lead guitarist is black."
- Say their favorite bands are emo
- Insist that System of a Down and Korn deserve archive pages because they are pioneers of modern progressive metal.
- Suggest that Iwrestledabearonce is "aaammaaaaziiing," and "omg she can growl AND sing good"
- Talk about this article on their chatroom
Blabbermouth.net looks like a Pulitzer Prize contender next to this.
This shit is just pathetic BALEETED.
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