Michael Karolchyk is the awesome slap headed media whore owner of Anti-Gym who makes his money trolling the morbidly obese (and hiding it from the IRS). Anti-Gym was created when Karolchyk realised that taunting "fat acceptance" groups as loudly as possible gets tens of thousands of dollars worth of air time for free on quality news channels and being chased by blubbery mobs in motorized carts actually burns more calories than a regular gym session.
Karolchyk's inspirational life story, like so many other underdogs began in the expensive private boarding school his rich parents sent him to. He tells anyone who would listen the exciting story about how he managed to win a race in college while being savaged by a dog and parades his class ring around as if it has magic powers to remind everyone of the adversities in life he overcame with determination to get where he is today.
So committed to the anti-gym ethos Karolchyk is, even his own perception of events got a full workout, beefing up the few minor achievements he has had and trimming off the flabby excess reality that gets in the way of a good story. The truth is that Michael Karolchyk was a rich boy who dropped out of college and his mother bought him his ring on his birthday.
He can't run for shit and got all the money for his gym by mooching off his ex-wife's even richer parents. The original gym, was the much more feminine "Bodies by Michael and Kelly" which was more like ballet with treadmills. Michael got divorced (his second time), became bitter and created the ultra asshole persona of "Mr. Anti-Gym" (which was only slightly more of an asshole than he was originally).
For the modest sum of $40 dollars a session, those traumatised and herded into his program can expect to be verbally abused, pelted with cupcakes and excluded from the sexy people only saunas until they lose weight. Although Anti-Gym uses a "patented method of motivation and unarguable nutritional logic", with fatties bullied into going several times a week milking them of all their money so they can't afford pie is the main reason for its success.
In January 2009, when Karolchyk was found to be hoarding cash like his doughy adversaries hoard Hershey Bars, the IRS hounded Anti-Gym for years of back taxes. Falling to the global chubby conspiracy, Karolchyk decided to Jew which they would doubtless spend on cake, ho-hos and ding-dongs anyway. Instead of giving up his mission to annihilate the fattie race, Karolchyk moved to California, since the people in Colorado are too fat to chase him across the Rocky Mountains due to their lack of stair lifts.
Karolchyk discovered that as well as a form of cheap insulation, having a bloated, pissed off mass of flab protesting outside your gym had the added effect of making the place look successful enough to incur the wrath of chubbiekind and decided to court as much negative publicity from them as possible. To achieve this, however required some social engineering as the only thing that normally brings fat people together is a multi-scooter pile-up in Wal-Mart's candy aisle. To help them, Karolchyk actually pays fatty double agents to infiltrate and even create fat acceptance groups with names like Colorado Over-Weight Society (COWS, how clever). Once created or provoked into protesting Anti-Gym, genuine protest-fatties join the herd and free publicity is born.
As well as manipulating fatties into doing his bidding outside his gym, Karolchyk also stars in a series of television commericials with such uplifting messages as fat women need to get normal men drunk to get laid and if you eat cake, you'll never find a husband.
Despite the inescapable truth in this campaign, it still managed to upset some people.
After Anti-Gym was closed, Karolchyk began a symbiotic relationship with Fox News as one of their crazy pundits. Fox gets someone who will make the offensive statements they want to make themselves but don't have the balls to and in return, the 'Anti-Gym Revolution' gets plugged. In the following video, using Fox News' trademark offensive statement with a question mark at the end, Karolchyk calls the Surgeon General too fat to a completely impartial Neil Cabuto. Unfortunately, due to Fox being a litigous shower of bastards the only clip of it on YouTube is wrapped in a torrent of filthy liberal outrage. Skip to 0:36 to avoid their brainwashing hippy bullshit.
Unsuprisingly, criticism of Karolchyk is most vocal on the internet where feminist nutjobs and fatties can anonymously act tough without onlookers vomiting at their grotesque whale-like form mid-sermon. Ironically if these fat cunts put as much effort into losing weight as they do bitching about people telling them to lose weight nobody would laugh at them:
—A crazy woman somehow dragging abortion into it. They're fat, not pregnant.
—Secondhandsally, who hasn't actually seen anything but is outraged anyway.
—Here's hoping, fatso
—No. No you wouldn't.
- Anti-Gym website
- 'This Man Thinks You're Fat' 5280 Magazine. A long article that basically calls bullshit on 99% of his awesome life story.
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|Featured article January 23, 2010|
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