Monica Blewinsky✡ is a fat Jewish prostitute best known for having had buttsecks and oral sex with President Bill Clinton, whose ass she literally licked (see note #28). Lewinksy regards herself as "the Patient Zero of internet shaming" and is so thoroughly ashamed of herself that she has only ever told her exclusive story once every six months in return for a large sum of money, embellishing it every time she does so.
As of 2018, Lewinsky's latest sob story is that by willingly entering into a sexual relationship with Clinton, she was the victim of an abuse of power. Naturally the SJWs and feminists are all over this crap, which is precisely what Lewinsky wanted (the fat greedy Jew). Meanwhile, everyone on the US right who hates the Clintons can be seen hopping up and down with glee as the 42nd President's dirty laundry is pegged out in public for the umpteenth fucking time.
Constitutional scholars have remarked that if Kill and Killery Klinton were really behind a string of millions of suspicious deaths, as the Internet believes to be the case, Monica Jewinsky would have been the first person the Klintons would have had murdered. But no-one ever listens to constitutional scholars. It's far more fun to imagine sinister reasons that Bill Clinton's chiropodist's dad's next-door-neighbor's best friend's cousin might have been murdered (despite the fact that they were 500lbs overweight, smoked 80 a day, and were struck by lightning while crossing the road, seen by 300 independent witnesses).
- 1 Childhood
- 2 Scandal
- 3 Current Whereabouts
- 4 2018: "Abuse of Power!"
- 5 Videos
- 6 See Also
- 7 External Links
—Jew lawyer William H. Ginsburg, who paid Monica's parents to give the portly pepperpot a bris
After sucking off her entire high school football team (because who wants to fuck a fatty, right?) and fucking her high school drama teacher Andy Bleiler, Monica moved to Washington, DC to fulfil her life's ambitions: (1) Become an unpaid intern and (2):
—Monica Lewinsky, 1995
Republicans had hoped to catch Bill Clinton in an extramarital affair in order to impeach him. After Clinton spurned Ann Coulter, they realized that he was not interested in anorexic transsexuals. Figuring Bill liked the power a guy gets in impressing a chunky, awkward chick, they hired Monica for the job instead. Monica had a White House job arranged as a janitor, but her extensive experience with the wet/dry vac made her a natural choice.
Both sides of the political aisle were outraged. Democrats were upset that their hero Bill Clinton couldn't score any better tail; and Republicans were upset they weren't getting lunchtime BJs from their interns.
Clinton was quickly charged with a variety of crimes- from perjury, to obstruction of justice; to "dude, you fucked that?". The charges were eventually dropped, however, when President Clinton threatened to have Hillary testify on his behalf, and prosecutors decided they didn't want to be reminded of just how lousy this guy's taste in women is.
Attention whores are like herpes: once they start riding the media's cock, they never go away. Addicted to the attention, these whores keep coming back for their fix. So it is with Monica, who just never gets the hint that 1) she's a whore and 2) we all want whores to STFU and GTFO once their (blow)job is done.
Yup, Monica has felt which way the wind is blowing and knows she can milk more bucks out of the new generation of suckers, to whom Bill Clinton is as unfamiliar as Warren G. Harding. But never mind all that, what counts is the column inches. And with vacuous media airheads like media pundit Suzanne Moore on the case, Monica can even completely reverse her story and earn plaudits for her bravery.
Monica's Attention Whore Tour 2014-2015
Despite the fact that the world would be grateful if she died in a fire, Monica Lewinsky re-surfaced to attention whore some moar in 2014, first with some interviews...
—Famewhore Monica Lewinsky, TED talk, March 23, 2015
2013: Monica Lewinsky "Guards Her Privacy"
The article went on to chronicle Lewinsky's history of shamelessly whoring for media-attention, just in time for her next re-re-re-branding:
2012: "I'M WRITING A TOP-SECRET BOOK!!1" Monica blabbed
In 2012, Monica Lewinsky was said to be writing a book, with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings.
The book deal fell through, though, when Monica insisted on writing the manuscript with a jizzfilled quill pen.
2004-2006: Monica receives Mastur's Degree
In December 2006, Monica waddled across a graduation stage to receive a degree from the London School of Economics. The title of Monica's thesis was: "In Search of the Impartial Juror: An exploration of the third person effect and pre-trial publicity."
How could a woman who barely scraped a 2.00 GPA at Lewis & Clark College, and is unable to spell the word "public," received admission to the prestigious British university, an admissions dean replied: "Superior oral skills."
Monica's First Attention Whore Tour 1999-2004
Lewinsky used the political connections she earned to get hired on as some fag marketer for a designer purse company; and to create her own line of designer purses, bags, and knee pads.
Despite the obvious saleability of a product line created by a fatty who's only claim to fame is that she was a convenient cumdumpster to a horny old politician, the product line failed, big. After sitting on the racks for years collecting dust, they were given to the homeless. By 2004, the faggots at Vogue Magazine officially declared Monica's handbag-venture dead. Monica would need a new vehicle for her attention-seeking, since Jenny Craig dumped the slut after she failed to cut down on her cum-guzzling.
- attention whore without one You can't be an
- Every Rap Song That Mentions Monica Lewinsky
- Monica Lewinsky's Daddy threatens LOLSUIT against "Law & Order SVU" for using "lewinsky" to mean "blowjob" (1999)
- Jewinsky, who is only famous for one reason, storms out of (((Israeli publicity event))) after a questioner mentions that one reason (Archived: )
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