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Mortal Kombat

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Mortal Kombat is a gimmicky cash-in on Street Fighter 2. The gimmick is cartoon blood and finishing moves which got boring ever since every other Mature-rated game came to be. While the series showed the level of outrage that Republicans can whip up to distract the world from what they do in their private lives, since Mortal Kombat 3 it has provided the industry with an example of a franchise that should've been allowed to die peacefully in its sleep a long, long time ago. It features a cast of characters who have, over the course of two decades, failed to develop at all.

Contents

Characters

Niggaiden, his finishing move involves impaling his opponents with his massive black dong of doom.

Liu Kang: Stereotypical oriental with the ability to shoot fireballs and destroy eardrums at will with his high-pitched screams. Surprised he can even fight taking notice of the fact that you can blindfold him with floss; then again, he's the first game protagonist to actually fuck up and get killed, and of course be brought back to life. Marshall Law from the Tekken games must be related to him, as they both emit the same annoying "wahhhhhhhs" when they attack.

Johnny Cage: Glasses-wearing Hollywood actor douche that does splits and punches men in the nuts and as of MK9, the cunt (in the original arcade game, it didn't work on Sonya, and for some reason Goro or Shang Tsung either -- are they eunuchs, or just trannies?)

Sonya Blade: Unable to master cooking while growing up, she became the bitchiest cop in the world and fights with her thunderous thighs. Her fatality is burning opponents alive with a mere kiss.

Kano: Killed Sonya's partner. Why this has anything to do with entering the tournament is a secret revealed only by defeating Goro. He also has an eye laser for some reason and a Steve Irwin type survival knife, but look how well it did for that guy.

Raiden: Thunder god who constantly has his ass kicked by the very mortals he oversees. In the reboot, he's fired for picking such shitty people to defend Earth, and is responsible for the deaths of 3/4 of the cast. Known for his cheap "superman" move which consists of him literally flying through the air and slamming the opponent into the wall, which is so fast it's hard to block.

Goro: Four armed prince made of clay. Breaks Johnny Cage's $500 sunglasses in the first movie, and as of Mortal Kombat X, Cage still hasn't let it go.

Shang Tsung: Sorcerer with the ability to transform into the same weaklings he is out to destroy. Why he wouldn't morph into Godzilla or something and simply stomp everyone is a question which remains unanswered.


Ninja Recolors

  • Sub-Zero: Which one? There's the classic one, the gay unmasked MK3 one, the one that becomes Noob Saibot, the one that becomes Cyber Sub-Zero, and Frost. Not like it matters since they all do the same shit. But the more merchandise that's out there, the merrier.
  • Scorpion: Sub-Zero, only he throws spears while shouting "Get over here!" Needless to say, he has achieved immense popularity despite having one of the most limited special moves list in the entire series.
  • Reptile: Lizard that spits acid, emits toxic fumes, and stinks like a sewer. He's believed to be the last living member of his race of saurons and lives his life as a servant to the strongest characters in the game in order to get somewhere in life. Was a hidden character in the original arcade game where he was nothing more than a mix of Scorpion and Sub-Zero, but it was so difficult to find out how to battle him that must people didn't care to.
  • Smoke: Smoking powers, yeah betcha' that'd be real useful. Giving him a cyborg version didn't do much for him either.
  • Rain: Water powers and lightning powers, a far improvement over freezing assholes and breaking them into a million pieces, or flying through the air while wearing a traditional Chinese hat.
  • Ermac: Ninja that was a glitch in the first game, and then they had the bright idea of making him an actual character with soul powers.
  • Tremor: The once hidden earthen powered ninja you can play as, but not in the character roasters, now officially as fuck in Mortal Kombat X.


Slut Recolors

  • Kitana: The 10,000 year old Princess of Edenia. Daughter of Sindel and Shao Kahn, and Liu Kang's love-interest, apparently Liu Kang is into older chicks. Surprisingly she and Liu Kang didn't have any babies yet. Fights with Japanese fans.
  • Mileena: Kitana's uglier, sluttier sister. Apparently cloned by Shang Tsung. She has mutant extra sets of teeth for some reason, and for some other reason she tries to cover it up with a mask. Surprisingly fanboys have sexual fantasies of her biting their dicks off.
  • Jade: The slutty ninja that likes the color green. Like Kitana, she is also 10,000 years old and the only reason she's still a character is because the game developers need someone for Kitana to have a lesbian relationship with. Her bust size is 36D. Officially dead in Mortal Kombat X. No one cared.
  • Sindel: Kitana's mom. Queen of Edenia who made it a law that no girls can wear pants and that guys have to wear tights. Her special move is screaming sonic waves of demands of child support and attention to her prehistoric private parts.
  • Tanya: Negress who puts people's heads between her vagina and thighs, holding that position for some time while she is screaming, then breaking their necks. The last part is unnecessary, as her jungle of love alone is enough to cause brain damage in close proximity.
  • Skarlet: Cuts her opponent's neck and splashes their blood on her face. Hawt, isn't it? Wait! There's MOAR!!!! The other fatality is stabbing herself and turns into a pool of blood then shoots tentacles from the ground to rape the opponent and then cuts their stomach open and takes a bath under them. Kind of kinky isn't it? Also came out as a result of a glitch in the second game an made as a DLC.


Kung Lao: Liu Kang's BFF with a boomerang hat as a weapon that splits people in half, which makes no sense since half the battle has him throwing it.

Jax: Nigger with metal arms that yells "GOTCHA!" whenever he gropes you. Works with Sonya to keep his rape habit under the radar.

Shao Kahn: The main bad guy. When you lose to Noob Saibot, he makes the fact that you suck official. In one of the games, he sounds like he's having an orgasm on the Finish Him! screen.

Stryker: Has no superhuman powers, but fuck it, Raiden's gotta get a league of moralfags somewhere.

Sheeva: Bitch so ugly, she's compensated with the ability to give four handjobs simultaneously.

Kintaro: Sheeva's four-armed tiger brother.

Sektor/Cyrax: Evil robotic ninjas with nukes and missiles that still got their metal asses handed to them by mallcops and Asians.

Quan Chi: Shang Tsung's replacement, because Shang Tsung didn't suck Shao Khan's cock hard enough. Gets decapitated in MKX.

Mavado: Spaniard who likes leather and whips.

Hsu Hao: Series' main source of communism. All he does is be Korean for one hour of the game and then gets killed.

Li Mei: Girl Liu Kang whose cartwheels are the series' main source of panty shots.

Frost: See Sub-Zero above.

Sareena: Former satanist whose sisters were killed by the old Sub-Zero, so she decided to have sex with him and convert to Buddhism. Shinnok didn't like this so he killed her. She came back to life, but she couldn't perform fatalities anymore, so Sub-Zero #2 though that he might as well have another ho on his team.

Reiko: Raver who gets high on ecstasy and bones Rain in the ass every other night. He wants to be Shao Khan one day, but no one seems to care about him enough to elect him.

Shujinko: A senile old man who was told he would save the world if he gathered 6 sacred, hidden, and extremely powerful artifacts and gave it to a red sparkly cloud. The cloud turned out to be the evil dragon king and then went to destroy the world. Nice going, asshole.

Kenshi A blind swordsman that can make his sword fly around using telekinesis.

Shinnok: Some God that got pwnd and shoved into his own amulet in MKX, only to be released by the bald guy before he got his head capped by a guy named Hanzo Hasashi. He gets his ass whooped by the daughter of Johnny Cage & Sonya Blade when he entered god mode as Corrupted Shinnok the final boss of MKX.

Baraka: Mileena's bottom bitch in MKX. Has retractable swords in his arms.

Kabal: He was Stryker's cop partner before a fire burn the shit out of him and implanted with cybernetic life support by Kano. Truthfully nobody cares about this guy.


MKX Characters

Cassie Cage: The main heroine from MKX. Johnny and Sonya fucked like jackrabbits and out came Cassie Cage. Inherited her parents' move, including her daddy's signature nutcracker/cunt pun(t)ch. Also she likes popping caps in your asses and posting selfies of her fatality victims on Instagram for lulz.

D'vorah: Remember Q-bee from Darkstalkers and how you fapped off to her as she penetrated Felicia the catgirl with her stinger dildo? Take away all the animu cuteness, make her bald, give her a butterface and you get D'vorah. This bee bitch has some nasty moves which includes bug swarms, poisonous attacks, and going Alien on your asses by implanting you with an egg and a maggot bursting out of your carcass.

Ferra & Torr: A she-midget with claws riding on the back of a brute. That is some Thunderdome shit right there. Expect chants of "Who runs Bartertown" in online fights.

Kotal Kahn: A warrior from Osh-Tekk who went to Earth and inspired the Aztecs but fucked up after teaching them blood drinking, which killed them via plague from Spaniards. Became Emperor of Outworld since Mileena was too batshit insane to rule. His War God style involves using a big ass club to brain you to a bloody hamburger. Sun God involves roasting your enemies asses while healing yourself. Blood God involves cutting yourself, but Kotal's not emo, far from it. He summons totems that buff stats in offense and defense. Kotal Kahn's fatality involves ripping your heart and squeezing it bathing in the blood. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

Takashi Takeda: Bastard son of blind swordsman Kenshi and Scorpion's protege, his fighting style will involve using whips. Resembles Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. Likes him some brown sugerr

Jacqueline Briggs Negress daughter of Jax and Cassie's partner. She's inherited his red ass beatdown style and has gun gauntlets to emulate daddy's roboarms. Has yellow fever..

Kung Jin: Distant cousin to Kung Lao or whatever. Some sort of kung fu archer. What's with that helmet though? Also is badass gay.

Erron Black: MK's first cowboy fighter and he's got a magic bullet with your name on it. Wait minute, it's fucking Hol Horse!


Guest Characters

  • Kratos: Best way to troll Xbox 360 fanboys since you can only play as him on the PlayStation versions.
  • Freddy Krueger: Seriously Midway? And he's not even the one from the original series, he's the one from the crappy remake!
  • Jason Voorhees: At least he's the original version unlike the shitty remake version of Freddy Krueger.
  • Predator: Yes, THE Predator from the classic Schwarzenegger film Predator. Choppers not included.

Videos

Liu Kang being a cheap juggling cunt
Mortal Kombat was eventually made into a movie that performed surprisingly well in the box office
The sequel however was unable to live up to the high standards set by the pilot film

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Official iProduct

As if the godawful movie sequel didn't assrape the series enough, in a brilliant move EA an Warner Brothers have further raped a great legacy game by tossing a shitty port onto apple iProducts. Play a game that requires no less than 8 buttons and multi-directional spin moves on your touch screen... Fucking idiots. Also Kintaro is a warping cunt, and will turn your asshole inside out while you smash buttons in futile prison rape frustration.

Gallery

About missing Pics

See Also

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Mortal Kombat is part of a series on

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