NOVA

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AAAAAAAAAAAH!
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!
IT HAUNTS MY DREAMS!
Model NOVA teacher
Actual NOVA teacher

On the internet, there exists a dream. A brave dream. A dream of living in a glittering paradise where one will not be judged. A dream of respect, dignity and actual contact with a ladywoman. The dream... of living in Japan.

For everything that lying, stealing and giving pretty intense blowjobs to squat salarymen can buy, there's Applemilk1988. For everyone else, there's NOVA.

NOVA are/were one of the most prolific sources of lulz and BAWWWWWW on the planet. For at least 100 years they epically IRL trolled thousands upon thousands of weeaboos, teenagers, sluts and azns (staff and customer alike). Company president Nozomu Sashimi swindled millions out of his own company, while sitting in a hollowed-out volcano with his face carved on the front where he would stroke a large white Persian cat and laugh maniacally. He would then put on a Victorian style bathing suit and go for a swim in his vault of money. He also unleashed the "NOVA USAGI" on the world, and tried to disassemble Johnny Five.

Company president Sahashi (commonly known as Monkeybridge) is currently enjoying a 3.5-year prison sentence, during which time he will be fucked in the ass repeatedly by J-dicks so small that he won't even notice.

Contents

What's An Eikaiwa?

An eikaiwa is a Japanese conversational school which concentrates on fluency rather than practice. Because of this, it is possible to get a job in Japan with no skills whatsoever as long as you can walk into a building in something other than a track suit and speak without dribbling or hitting your dick with a hammer.

Eikaiwa exist for three reasons:

1: Engrish

Japanese students emerge from at least 100 years of full time education with a huge vocabulary, but unable to string a sentence together without accidentally activating fifty Russian secret agents. This proves what the past fifty years have taught us: Japan is better at the world at everything other than playing soccer and saying a single fucking intelligable word.

2: Japanese Racism

If you are a foreigner, you will never be seen as possessing any skill or talent other than your ability to speak English. This is not lulzy ED "OH THOSE WACKY JAPANESE" stuff, this is a statement of plain fact. If you have a Japanese best friend and want to tell us all about how accepting and cosmopolitan the Japanese are, there's a fuckton of whiteys working real establishment jobs in Japan and fighting tooth and bloodstained nail for a shred of security who would love to hear what a clever fuck you are. Guess what? Everything you've been told about Japan has been a lie. In Japan, if you walk up to somebody, they can, and probably will, punch you in the face, rape your son, put a stick of Pocky up your ass and then call a policeman to report how they were acting in self defence and you'd be deported before you could say ZA WARUDO. And no, I'm not JKing. I'm dead fucking serious.

3: Things You Can And Can't Say To Your Superiors

BAD: "Hey, boss. You know what? Fuck you. I'm leaving this school to move to a country where I can have all the sex and cheap booze I can handle in return for being paid double to teach kids that don't shit in my desk and try to shoot me."

GOOD: "I've received substantial interest from several private schools offering me better pay and a more flexible work schedule."

BAD: "Hey, Mom. Can I have five thousand dollars for a working holiday visa so I can spend a year watching anime?"

AND ALSO: "Hey, Dad. I'm gonna spend the next year contracting cancer of the liver and AIDS in a foreign country. Can you Tivo ER for me?"

GOOD: "I'm thinking of broadening my horizons, adding something to my resume and getting out of the house, guys. I'm gonna take a year out to teach abroad, learn another language and absorb foreign business cultures."

The Evil Masterplan (Part One)

First, NOVA would recruit foreign staff using their offices in Fagland, Shitland and The Middle Of Nowhere. Cue stampedes of:

  • Genuine teachers who would sit down and start reeling off their credentials.
  • Starry-eyed weeaboos who could barely wait for the interview before they started chattering to the recruitment officer about their favourite animu

Both of these groups, of course, missed the point. NOVA didn't want people looking for a proper job or even people who wanted to be in Japan at all. The former were likely to start talking about things like pay rises, health insurance or OH NOES unions. As for the latter; well, put kindly, if you're a Japanese person who is sick of Japan and wants to be exposed to alien languages and culture, the last thing you want is to pay through the nose to sit in a room with a 300 pound basement dweller who won't shut up about Hikaru No Go. They have plenty of that already, thanks. The actual ideal job profile for NOVA was:

Once they were in place, NOVA would place them in a company dorm in a mountain village with one convenience store and a post office, then nail the coffin shut with a year long contract and the threat of withdrawing visa sponsorship. LOL PWNT.

Meanwhile, Back In LOLland

Japanese staff would be running over nine thousand branches of the school, being paid shit and rice to work 26 hours per day whilst having to pay massive kickbacks which were cleverly disguised as patented videophone technology. Students were then recruited in their droves using an advertising budget more bloated and impotent than a Canadian churchgoer. Entire trains were hired and plastered with NOVA's eye raping pink and blue propandga, despite the fact that a huge illuminated NOVA sign could be clearly seen from every train station in Tokyo.

NOVA's students, who were so desperate for the white man's cock that they clearly couldn't read properly, were flimflammed by a cunning contract scheme in which they were encouraged to buy "NOVA Points." The scheme implied that they would be saving money by purchasing points in bulk, while failing to mention that should a lesson have to be cancelled and the points redeemed, the customer's money would suddenly evaporate as the rate of the NOVA point against the yen is roughly equivelant to that of the Canadian dollar against the solid gold statue of Cracky-chan that can cook your pie and suck your cock at the same time.

U L DOIN IT LONG

Last Thursday, Sasami's business ethics (which by now had grown to include shunting money between sockpuppet companies owned or partially owned by himself) caught up with him and the evil AI with the one, unblinking red light which rules Japan smote his company with the banhammer. NOVA were forbidden to recruit customers for six months, and once Japanese sheeple see one animal break from the pack then you've got a stampede on your hands. People started complaining loudly and sueing to get their yens back. Their reputation dove. By August 2007, they no longer had enough money to pay their staff.

By October the whining, glassy-eyed caucasian spawn who had so cherished their walk-on part in the Japanese economic miracle were left with literally pennies in their bank accounts and no way to eat or get home. Some were even evicted when the company were unable to pay the rent on their own living quarters, and THAT'S just frikken hilarious. Roundeyes and slanties alike howled for Smokehashi to file for bankruptcy protection. Sadly he was nowhere to be found. Or, more accurately, he was found hiding in the British Virgin Islands lying on a bed of hookers and blowing crack out of his ass.

The Australian Government Steps In To Protect Its Citizens From Exploitation

Many terrified sheepfuckers breathed a sigh of relief when their consulate declared their every intent to support its nationals in repatriating themselves. This support turned out to be (and no, I swear I am not making this up) "You can use our phone to call Mum." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, PSYCHE!

NO DISASSEMBLE NOVA USAGI

At the end of October an emergency meeting removed the CEO and the company filed Bankruptcy. As of time of writing, no outstanding debts to staff or students will be paid.

IRL Drama And Butthurt

  • While his staff were starving to death, Suckcocky had a 300m office on top of a skyscraper with its own jacuzzi, double bed and traditional Japanese tea house. This is actually true.
  • NOVA instructors were required to sign a release form stating that they would submit to mandatory random drug testing whenever asked.
  • NOVA's policy of zero contact between staff and studends is claimed (read: THIS IS DEFINITELY TRUE) to be the result of a Japanese manager being uber-butthurt over one of the gaijin staff banging his little girl. Naturally he was unable to blame her as we all know the extent to which Japanese 16 year old girls are frothing at the gash for ivory wang.
  • At one branch of NOVA, Japanese staff working through the night were required to douse the lights and hide under the tables every time a car went past the window for fear of being raided by government inspectors.
  • Ten teachers who had been working at NOVA for a decade were fired by the company for joining a union.
  • Another teacher was fired after seven years for asking to be made a permanent employee.
  • Parents of one teacher are filing suit after he became an hero over having to work 80 hours of overtime in a month. YAY! This bankruptcy has a body count!
  • NOVA employee Lindsay Ann Hawker was presented with a bath of sand as severance pay. This is a traditional Japanese custom.

Customer Testimonials Culled From Japanese Blogs

   
 
"Maybe the reason that people cannot proclaim in a loud voice, “I attend NOVA”, is that the company is so corrupt? Or is it because they sense their lack of proficiency in English?"
 

 
 

—-Bun


   
 
"For me, who is spoiled with happiness in safe Japan, NOVA was the only door to the outside world"
 

 
 

—-Bun


   
 
"I've been on a contract with NOVA for 4 years now, but even within my family people have voiced concerns that “[NOVA] is trying to make students use their points”, and [meanwhile] more and more foreign teachers are quitting, with only the people who came to Japan within the last 3 months still remaining."
 

 
 

—-Riruna


   
 
"I think that there are many people who had terrible experiences at NOVA, or who did not improve [their English], and these people think NOVA is bad, and cannot think of NOVA in a positive sense."
 

 
 

—-Yummy

Gallery

How To Use NOVA In Trolling

Important note: Pre-crash, NOVA was one of the finest tools in the troll's arsenal for irritating people who were trying to build a career in Japan. The stock resonse to such an individual boasting about how they had earned a place in a real company was "LOL WUTS DA MATTER, CUDN'T GET HIRED BY NOVA?"

For reasons outlined above, this does not work any more.

Moar Sauce


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NOVA is related to a series on AZNS.

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