Throughout the Third Reich, there were plenty of cute Nazi Boys who smashed out to to create a better world. They all failed. When many people think of Nazi's, they think of the main players. Like Hitler, Goebbels, Himmler, Dr. Mengele and Mel Gibson. Everybody forgets about the small time gangsta's like Obergruppenfuhrer Reinhard Eugene Heydrich, or Alois Brunner. Have any of you reading even heard of a Josef Kramer before? Maybe on Seinfeld. So welcome to an article purely dedicated to Nazi Boys.
Obergruppenfuhrer Reinhard Eugene Heydrich
The final soultion master-mind himself Reinzy was the biggest ladies man around all of Nazi Germany and occupied Europe. Girls from all around dreamt of Reinzy and cried thinking about the perfect Obergruppenführer they'd never get to have. Basically he was the Harry Styles (or Marcus Day Break) of Europe back in the day. Even fellow Nazi's vanted a piece of his shuffenstaz up their cruffenshoffel
Reinzy was a pretty top Nazi. he had heaps of ranks like being the Stellvertreteder Reichspotektor. He was also the main guy who did some German Home and Gardens style Holocaust genocide designing. Being one of the designers of 'The Final Solution' which imo was not a very fab design.
Historians regard him as a pretty dark figure, which is why chicks digged him, because girls love dark bad boys like Obergruppenführer Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich. The fuhrer himself said he "was the man with an iron heart" (because despite all the girls that fell for him, his heart was too strong to fall for girls, he had 6 million problems and a girl ain't one)
Being a top designer for Nazi things, he also helped design Kristallnacht (the night of broken glass) because he was to mainstream for proper art, he went all hipster and convinced people to break glass and start fires. Just that glass happened to be from Jewish houses and shops instead.
His dad was an Opera singer so Reinhard learned to muzz from an early age. He was also a talented Violinist, so he would create his own dubstep beats to get the Nazi Parties started. He was also a member of the Deutschovolkischer Schutz und Trtzbund which was the Anti-jew group before Hitler made it cool.
He joined the Navy in the 20's, just he didn't do anything gay. In fact, this was where he gained his notoriety for being a ladies man. He became notorious for his countless affairs for picking up chicks and raking them in. He'd sail the world with biddies on each arm. He'd have mad hook-ups everywhere he muzzed. He'd also pop pingas on board the ship. After that, he joined the SS where the other people were nasty, all they did was spread rumors omg, they said such mean stuff like "omg Reinhard Heydrich isn't even a proper aryan" and "lol, I heard he's actual a Jew" but Reinzy didn't let the haters get to him.
Reinzy Rich overcame the haters and rose through the ranks of Nazi stuff, but each rank he got, is always long and unpronounceable, stuff like becoming head of the schuffenwafelleoberganshuzenstaz and wot not. So I ceebs writing all the cheeky ranks he rose through. He was a pretty top bloke. He even was heavily involved with helping Hitler make his move on Poland. Hitler needed his ladies man advice to help him make the first move
As mentioned above, he went on the become Heinrich Himmlers bestie in helping organize the holocaust. They'd have cute sleep-overs and they'd giggle about their new plans for genocide.
Eventually Heinrich planned a date with Hitler in Berlin, it was meant to be the cutest date where they'd plan a trip to Paris, but he stepped in the wrong neighborhood when two gang-bangers with some weird unspellable names got sub-machine guns out and began shooting up his car in a drive-by shooting. Henirch didn't get shot, and he chased the gang-bangers around, got into a mad gun fight, one stole a bike and got away, the other shot Reinzy in the leg and escaped back to his coke crib. He never made it to his cute ideal Paris holiday. He went to some hospital in the Czech Republic, after Himmler visited with flowers, he lost consciousness and never woke up and died of Sepsis.
He had a sad funeral in Berlin, and all the Nazi top-dogs attended. Himmler gave his eulogy, and even the fuhrer himself Hitler attended. Hitler was a little mad at his death and said it was his fault. He said: "lol, wat an idiot, wrong side of the neighborhood wearin' the wrong colors in some pimped out ride, he was askin' for sum wise ass busta and nasty ass cracka to come by and put a cap in his ass" - Adolf Hitler Ladies from all around Germany cried for months.
Pappa J-Kramer was Commandant of the Bergen-Belson concentration camp. He had the sickest nick-name, which was "The Beast of Belsen" although Kramer was naughty and was responsible for the deaths of thousands. He was a Nazi war criminal. He was born in Munich and he joined the Nazi Party in 1931 also before Bergen-Belsen he was a Hauptsturmfuhrer of Auchwitz and was in charge of the gas chambers. When Bergen Belsen was liberated by the tea-drinkers, he actual gave them a tour around the camp, he was then arrested.
They say he was trailed and hanged for his war crimes. They are wrong. He later on went to become the popular character Kramer in a famous American sitcom called 'Seinfeld'
His sick ass nick-name was... no literally... "The Almighty Gottlob" no joke. This name literal pulsated with attractiveness and just magnetized chicks to him. Everyone wanted a piece of his Gottlob.
He was an Obengrupenfuhrer just like our good ol' pal Reinhard Heydrech from a few weeks back. But unlike Heydrich, he wasn't a straight up busta. He stuck to his own territory so he survived the war without having gang-bangers shoot him up with sub-machine guns and Uzi's.
Being an Obengrupenfuhrer, he was part of the Heinrich Himmler clich. Him and Himmler were tight however they weren't ultimate besties like Heydrich was. He didn't do too much in World War II, he went around the place, he ran a Prisoner of War camp or two, he dealt with an uprsing in Slovakia. You know, just the usual nazi things.
Being part of the Himdogs, he helped Himdawg make a few pamphlets such as 'Der Ubermensch' which was a mad pamphlet that talked about how Gypsies and all them were inferior to the Aryan super-race.
Anyway, while he didn't do much in WWII, he said some real cray things during the War-crime trials. At one point a bunch of POW's were made to march in not very great conditions. There was no muzzing or conga lines on this march. It was just walking. It was worse than that excursion to Mt. Lofty in Year 10 where Omar got us lost and we all had to walk heaps of Km's to get to the bus.
But The Almight Gottlob said it wasn't his fault. He said when the Ruskies were coming, they wanted to take the train. But Adelaide Metro was unreliable as usual so the trains didn't stick to the timetables and were hella late. So Hitler was like "Make 'em walk guys. They probs haven't had any exercise in a while. Let 'em stretch their calves" but Hitler forgot to check the weather report and they didn't have enough snacks to keep them full.
So Gottlob got off clean. He was then arrested for 25 years for being involved in the holocaust though. However the sentence was reduced by 10 years because even under Pappa Hitlers orders to kill a few prisoners that had this sick-ass group name called 'The Prominente' because of how loose these guys were.
He said that at one point Hitler got all pinga'd up and said some really loose stuff and asked him to kill more prisoners and use them as human-shields and hostages in-case things got tight Gottlob being a really good bloke, said no.
Gottlob was released from prison in 1951. Official sources say Gottlob got a job working on the staff of a right-wing magazine. They were wrong. He started up his own international fast-food chain known as 'Gottlob Burger'
Gottlob burgers are mad.
|Nazi Boys is part of a series on National Socialists|
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