Neighbours

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G'day mate!
Fans discussing the show's new upbeat storylines

Neighbours is a much loved, long-running TV sitcom filmed in Australia and particularly popular in England, it was also shown in America for a short time but epically failed in the ratings.

The program revolves around the immensely clichéd lives of the residents of Ramsay Street, some whom have been living there for at least 100 years. The ongoing story lines are so predictable that you can often tell what is going to happen a few months in advance - usually someone being shot, drowned and then buttsecksed in the remote Australian outback, which when it does occur makes a refreshing change from the writer’s continual obsession with jailbait plotlines.

Beginnings

In 1942 Neighbours was introduced by the Australian government as a work for the dole scheme for fucktards, full time bludgers/dole cheats, paedophiles and out of work actors.

This program provides the Australian public with a "reality TV" style viewing of the local sex offenders and AIDS ridden social fuck-ups doing community service.

Neighbours was originally a family-oriented program loved solely by the decrepit, however this now clearly seems to have been ditched by the producers in favour of altogether more cheesy, sordid viewing experience.

The cast is gradually becoming entirely comprised of lesbians, a plot turn highly popular when an Australian TV show is dying, as in the case of The Secret Life of Us in which half the cast inexplicably came out of the closet throughout it's short run. This move is a pathetic attempt for Neighbours to spice up their previous boring conservative image and appeal to the young zOMGz NEIGHBOURS IS TEH KEWLNEZZ LOLLERSKATES!!111!1 crowd.

The show

Susan - takes no prisoners
Scarred for life - one of Karl's victims
Who says Meat Loaf can't act?

In the beginning the show focused on the two bloodthirsty warring tribes of Ramsay Street, known as the ‘Robinsons’ and the ‘Ramsays’ (hence the street name). However, all of the tribe members so far have either died, moved away or been fired for snorting cocaine off set, apart from old ‘peg leg’ Robinson, his daughter Elle and son Robert (currently incarcerated for being a murderous sociopath).

At present the main characters are a ruthless lesbian known as Susan and a paedophile named Karl who have an on-off sham marriage, which serves as a cover to hide their deviant sexual proclivities. They spend most of their time plotting the sexploitation of all other Ramsay Street residents from their fortified bunker known as the Kennedy household. Karl, being the clever pedo that he is, even managed to set up a children’s birthday party entertainment band known as ‘Oodles and Noodles’ with his sidekick, the emotionally stunted Ned Parker from house number 30. Unfortunately, viewer figures dropped so dramatically each time Karl opened his mouth for a sing-a-long that the idea was consequently scrapped by the directors.

Other long term residents are Harold, a homicidal psychopath who likes to blow trumpet for the ‘salvos’ (Australian for Salvation Army) and his best friend Lou, who has a penchant for Russian mail order brides and brewing moonshine in the local coffee shop.These two are the shows Yin and Yang, and have been around since the dawn of millenia. When they fight, it is as if the gods were deciding the fate of Ramsey street.

A few other characters worth mentioning are:

  • The local policeman Steiger who likes to carry out 'night time surveillance' on everyone including his own daughter.
  • Brad.
  • Brad's ghost.
  • A couple of fucktards dressed as ghostbusters who came to deal with Brad's ghost
  • An uptight blind guy.
  • A Chinese family, who was brought in to make the cast look tolerant. They were accused of eating someone's dog. (Because they did.)
  • Some batshit crazy selfish woman who committed suicide.
  • Marco, Oz's own Joey Tribbianie
  • An Irish retard...
  • ..and the vaguely attractive Chinese girl that fell in love with him.
  • The little emo girl Bree who is really Meat Loaf in disguise.
  • Carmella, a runaway nun who makes money selling newborn babies to hungry Chinese peasants.
  • Lolly, daughter of Lou, who also happens to be a kleptomaniac and compulsive liar.
  • Toadie, played by Ryan Moloney, who is better known for his role as Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame. played by Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is better known for his role as "Ryan Moloney" in every Australian CP film.
  • Some JR wannabe who lost a leg.
  • The kookaburras that start honking at the start of every single fucking outdoors sequence.
  • The flavour of the month Ozpop band that plays on the jukebox in every single fucking Lasseters scene.

The rest of the cast consists mostly of eye candy to keep everyone fapping. Recently, increasing numbers of female residents on Ramsay Street have been coerced by uber-dyke Susan into questioning their sexuality, which has lead to many a late night orgy down at the local garage, supervised by Susan's second in command, Pepper's mother, Chris the mechanic.

That wedding

In ancient times - before they invented hairbrushes

Even though it was broadcast in ancient times, Charlene and Scott’s wedding is still looked upon by neighbours fans as one of TV’s finest moments and in their opinion deserves a place right up there alongside more recent TV unforgettables such as Casey’s tits exploding on Baywatch, a gang of horny niggas banging Marissa in the OC and Stephanie gunning down everyone in Lazytown after they refused to join her for a game of basketball in the widely censored episode ‘Play or die’. The wedding achieved record ratings thanks to an audience who had nothing better to do then spend their time watching a couple of faggots sporting big hair making the worst mistake of their lives. Unfortunately, as with most Australian marriages, it ended with Scott dousing Charlene in gasoline and then setting her alight because she forgot to pick up a six pack of fosters at the shops one tragic day.

As a career launcher

During its mammoth run Neighbours has acted as a stepping-stone in helping numerous Australian attention whores force themselves upon the world. One, a certain Kylie Minogue, has set a precedent unmatched so far by any other. Although her endless romping about on stage in skimpy gear has undoubtedly made an invaluable contribution to nurturing 16 year old girls ana complexes, her greatest achievement to date by far has been to scare a whole generation of teenage girls into believing they have breast cancer - latest reports are that breastectomies are up 200% since 2005. Others, however, weren’t so lucky. Holly Valance who starred as Flick, arrogantly declared that she was going to ‘be bigger than Kylie’ before being promptly pwned in a game of Street Fighter by the latter and subsequently banished to hell where she was forced by satan to film 0800 reverse commercials in exchange for discarded hair extensions. Delta Goodrem, who played some piano playing nerd on screen, only managed to last a few songs before needing to be medevac’d to hospital. It was later revealed that she had suffered temporary corporal disintegration when she got her arm stuck in a Stargate ring transporter whilst on a recon mission with the Asgard.

The great Katya Kinski controversy of 2006

Katya viewer angst
I'll take milk with mine thanks Dichen

In 2006 Dichen Lachman was introduced as Katya Kinski, a former smack-addict porn star turned nurse. She was meant to be the eldest Kinski kid, unfortunately some blind fuckwit casting executive failed to realise that Dichen was an AZN and looked about as related to the other Kinskis as a Kalahari bushman. This caused much drama in the neighbours OL communities who endlessly debated the whole fiasco before deciding that the whoreing nympho that was Mrs Kinski must slipped away for a quick romp with a Tibetan monk whilst on honeymoon in the Himalayas, thus explaining the genetic dissimilarities between Katya and her other siblings. Sadly, no one seemed to realise that Dichen only got the gig so the director could perve at her cleavage over break time coffee.


Neighbours translations

Every once in a while a Neighbours cast member will say some weird shit that you probably won't understand, so here is a guide to help you.

Sucking face = kissing

Tool = fucktard

Bogan = Redneck

Meat = dinner

Spiggin' hufter = paedophile

Thisarvo = today

Chuckin’ a wobbly = getting mad

Rack off = piss off before I shove a kangaroo up your ass

‘strewth = I can hardly believe what you’re telling me


Terrorism devastates Ramsay St.

See also

External links

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