The only time of the year that New Orleans even came close to being a good time was Mardi Gras, which was kind of like the Mummers Parade with booze. Otherwise, New Orleans was known for its crappy football, domesticated jazz, faux zydeco, termites, po'chilluns, and catfish. On August 28, 2005, almost the entire population either drowned, or migrated to Memphis, Tennessee. Which is fine either way.
"I don't care about this Louisiana/New Orleans shit because they're all just a bunch of banjo playing, possum eating, overalls wearing, straw hat wearing, bigamist, tries to
get you to marry his fat ugly twin daughters, family kidnaps you when you refuse, keeps you in a hole in their basement and eats you because all their protein tastes like Korean food, swamp trash.
The Pwnage of Katrina
The trigger of the great migration of August 28, 2005 was a giant swirling air blender sent down by God to finally put an end to Mardi Gras; which he saw as a competitor for his lagging celebration of Easter. God called this destructive force Katrina, after his favorite phone sex girl.
Al qaeda has claimed responsibility.
The storm thoroughly banninated New Orleans, so it created a new username, "Atlantis 2: Electric Boogaloo" since Atlanta had already secured itself "Atlantis" in case God finds a similar fate for them. Formerly humid and rancid, it is now wet, humid and rancid. Residents who are unable to adapt to life underwater have since died. The other, non-migratory pussies remain behind, bitching and moaning about the storm despite knowing that they come half a dozen times every year. Some of them didn't even have insurance - these people are known as fucktards. You will see them soon crying and singing in telethons to raise money from poor saps in the rest of the country who take pity on them for choosing to live in a city in the path of hurricanes every fucking year without insurance. Contributors are also fucktards, but will feel good about themselves anyways, despite having paid the taxes for the relief plus charitable donations whose tax write-offs are negligible.
Looting vs. Finding
According to a meme which swept through Livejournal like chlamydia through a High school dance team, it is extremely easy to confuse looting and finding. The distinction is obviously a very sensitive issue which needs to be treated with the utmost caution and respect for others. For a helpful guide to differentiating between finding and looting, please see looting.
Quote from W
"sh!t im white and id be lootin too if i had the chance, why not, i bet half them people are looting becuase they are stranded and hungary, and if i had to waid threw chest high waters id need a few drinks too, ive seena few photos of the looting soo far and almost everyone was ALL white people, so whos the n!gger now b!tch"
According to the ever insightful weather website , the batshit insane Minister Phelps, the exact cause of the tragedy was clearly homosexuality. God, in an effort to stop Southern Decadence decided instead to smite the people of New Orleans for their abominable sins.
An alternate explanation is that God really digs gay marriage. After all, both Louisiana and Mississippi passed Constitutional Amendments banning gay marriage by wide margins (more than 70%) last year. Ours, clearly, is a vengeful and angry God with a thing for watching boys kissing.
A third possible cause is that "Louisiana has 10 child-murder-by-abortion centers - FIVE are in New Orleans". This is clearly proven by the fact that satellite images of Katrina look like fetuses.
Finally, Katrina and the Waves were playing in New Orleans at the time. Coincidence? Or something more sinister?
- Deepwater Horizon
- IRL drama
- Southern Decadence
- George Bush doesn't care about black people
|Featured article August 31, 2005|
Ninjas vs. Pirates
George Bush doesn't care about black people