|KEBAB STATUS: 51 OF THEM REMOVED!|
It is a so-called "nation" that some argue is a state of Australia, when it is in fact a pocket dimension. Scientists are also increasingly supporting the theory that NZ is in fact a crossbreed between Australia, Wales and lands of the Otherkin. However, since the average Americunt struggles to identify America on a world map, their chances of identifying New Zealand are next to none, leading some to question whether anyone gives a fuck. This was further reinforced upon the removal of New Zealand from more recently published world maps, which was expected to cause much controversy, but it turned out that either nobody noticed or nobody cared.
General hobbies of the inhabitants of New Zealand include fucking sheep, being shitty at sports, bitching constantly, committing violent crime and attempting to copy Australian culture in any way possible (which they most fail at).
It should be noted that the majority of Kiwis are self-hating and insecure as they secretly hate their home country with a passion and really want to be Australian.
- 1 History
- 2 The People
- 3 Major Cities
- 4 Deadly Tourist Traps
- 5 Brutal Natives, Sickly Visitors, and Rape
- 6 Politics
- 7 Sheep
- 8 Language
- 9 Maori Alphabet
- 10 Cultural contributions
- 11 National Sport
- 12 Notable New Zealanders
- 13 Copypasta
- 14 [-+]Click for text
- 15 See Also
- 16 External links
New Zealand doesn't exist. In the early 1900s New Zealand scientists invented a way to avoid being involved in international concerns - a chronogometre. Ingeniously utilizing the metric system and banning nuclear power, scientists managed to force New Zealand's geographic location to appear twelve hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time. This put them on the cutting edge of history, and has resulted in futuristic inventions such as the disposable syringe, electric fencing, and animal themed housing. Top shit!
Other notable New Zealand moments in History include the Treaty of Waitangi, basically when whiteys saved the
Maori animals from cooking each other in a traditional "Hangi" (roasted snot and smegma, maybe some tuatara semen as well cooked under the ground. It's a miracle the Maoris figured out how to get it back out of the dirt.)
FACT - Maoris are not people.
Over 80 percent of New Zealanders are heavy drinkers and alcoholics, also with a wide range of drug addicts and wife bashers. Many of these people like to get drunk off cheap New Zealand beer that has more added sugars and chemicals in it than in a porn star's cleavage. Most people in New Zealand are very dumb due to the poor education system and killing off their brain cells from their cheap beer and drugs. Maori rarely speak MAORI, and now days you can commonly hear them speak a mix of swear words, grunts, and broken English.
New Zealand has a long history as a tourist attraction. Stone cairns attest to it being visited at least 150 years ago by the Vikings, and ruins indicate that Polynesians made at least one trip to take in the sun before finally settling it some time during the 1500s. Some historians believe that it may have even been visited BCE by Minoans.
New Zealand’s national emblem is a three foot high flightless bird, the most exciting animal that lives in the whole country (apart from sheep, which are very exciting). New Zealanders refer to themselves as kiwis. Kiwis are delicious when you club them to death to tenderize and deep fry them. In fact many Australians enjoy Kiwi clubbing - this angers the New Zealanders but there is nothing they can do about it because they are sheep fuckers.
New Zealand is also home to many azns who flee to New Zealand as refugees from their cruel, communist homelands seeking a better lifestyle and to steal more of the economy's income becoming doctors (Indians...dot, not feather) or accountants (azns). It is believed by the year 2020 120% of New Zealand will be azn and 4/5th's of stores will sell noodles.
Founded in 1903 on top of 48 active volcanoes, Auckland was New Zealand's biggest city until 1985 when French terrorists detonated a nuclear device which set off a volcanic reaction that destroyed most of the city and filled in the Hauraki Gulf. Not one Aucklander lost their life that day because they were all queuing at the Kopu Bridge on the way to the Coromandel. Every insurance company in New Zealand went bankrupt after paying out only 5.3% of claims. Those who were paid insurance founded Hauraki City in the centre of the former gulf, the others live in a shanty town that surrounds it. Hideous mutants live in the badlands to the east and kidnappings are frequent in the new CBD after dark. It is expected that the sprawl of self made shelters will swallow the towns of Thames and Paeroa by 2025.
Although located in Auckland, South Auckland is an entirely different city. Fun Fact: The world record for quickest time to steal a bike, is 0.543 seconds, set in the Otara markets. The record holder: a local boy called Sione, overweight, was wearing a limited edition 2006-07 LA Lakers Jersey from the local Dollar Store, also stolen. There are no Asians or white people here, hence why the locals only have cracked iPhone 3's, there is no one with anything better to steal. When walking down the streets, make sure you choose which gang you affiliate with correctly, putting "B's up" may upset the Crips, and putting a "C up" may offend the Bloods, either way, you will get your head cracked in by an angry Tongan man wielding a complimentary KFC frisbee that came a meal of his choice which fed his family of 18 for 6 minutes. Another fun fact: the average hygiene grade for a family owned store is a "C" , this tactic is employed to attracted the previously mentioned "Cripz" as they have lots of coins, which were found floating in a nearby Marae (NZ Centre of Aids/HIV). All though South Auckland is the cheapest place to live in New Zealand, the average family income ranges from however much is left after Uncle buys his ciggies and beer from the weekly dole payment to minimum wage.
The worst place in New Zealand goes by the tantalising and evocative name of Bulls, population two men and a dog. It has achieved its dubious distinction by having the bones of stranded hitch hikers scattered along all points of egress. It is a genuine shithole; if you manage to escape it within five hours of having entered it, you can count yourself very lucky indeed.
Hamilton is a strange place - very foggy in winter, and not in Canada (or Conneticut). If you are hitch hiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other, which will
- take about two hours and
- not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.
This is the Capital of New Zealand, which is really boring and windy so don't go there. It is claimed that the wind is generated by all the politicians that live there.
The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton.
Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.
Christchurch is the shittiest excuse for a city EVER, as it was built, at least 100 years ago, on a swampy pisshole by drunken Britfags too lazy and cognitively unfortunate to go and build a real city in the hills. Accordingly, this abomination unto God has been PWNT by Jesus with over 9000 earthquakes and now floods that will return Christchurch to its natural state. Meanwhile, CHCH council has continued the proud Western tradition of Jewing it's inhabitants out of Jewgold.
The home of Crowded House and Split Enz. Also the reason Split Enz split and why Neil Finn now lives in Melbourne.
Deadly Tourist Traps
Today New Zealand carries on the tradition of tourism by mandating that every town have a ridiculous gimmick in order to trap foreign money in a cycle of must-see-sites. There are seven in total.
Paeroa, grew out of a Jew camp on present day Nahum St under the shadow of Primrose Hill. It was surrounded by an unpassable swamp and the only way in or out was by a Waka taxi that was provided by local gang, Blackpower. They were always paid in Canadian Club and Waikato Draught.
The first lemon tree in the area was planted by Captain Hook in 1779 after having just sailed from the planet Mercury. Lemon trees grew wild for the next 100 years until the Jew settlers arrived. The jews found lemon juice to be refreshing when put through a Soda Stream. Paeroa who forged an entire identity on this delicious drink, then built a monolithic tribute to their own creation. The cruel god of Paeroa demands blood from a tourist every two months which gives him power for terrorist attacks against Justin Bieber.
Resting on top of an innocent looking Fish & Chip shop, Kaikoura's giant crayfish was actually thought to be a Taniwha at first and is over 1000 years old, It's diet mainly consisted of fur seals from the colony to the East. In July 1973 It ate an entire busload of Japanese Tourists and ruined Kaikouras reputation as a tourist destination, The locals then held a raffle and the winner was given sticks of dynamite the throw at it. Kaikoura still holds the world record for the biggest Seafood Chowder. Kaikoura has a proud history of whale hunting and most buildings and made from whale bones.
Most tourists to New Zealand are arseholes from Japan and Australia who are then eaten by fat shit Maoris.
The most notorious Deadly New Zealand Trap is the Sky Tower. The Jews who own it lure you in with gold-plated food, views and the "sky walk", once on the sky walk, the Jews release a pack of Indians stolen from Sandringham, and rape your daughters, before pushing you off the edge, dropping 320 metres into more Jewry, AKA the casino, where you figuratively rape your daughters again by wasting your petrol money on the "Jackpot" of 887 bowling alley prize tickets
Brutal Natives, Sickly Visitors, and Rape
Maoris are a bunch of no hoper dark skinsm, they very much enjoy raping sickly visitors The native people of New Zealand are the Maori (or Moari, like who even cares anyway). The Maori language doesn't have an 's', so it makes them very irate if you refer to them as Maoris, because they can't say that word. Their main hobbies are KFC. Fighting for their rights (charging companies for use of -their- land and whatnot), regardless of the fact that the Europeans gave them medicine, technology and porn. Trying to be as much like the typical American black person as possible, and playing the same three chords in the exact same pattern on nylon string accoustic guitars made by their ancestors in China for every song that they write at their communal meetings, speaking generally about FITTYCENT, Fish 'n' Chips and how to be a Nazi supremacist. Maori myth has it that their ancestor Maui, a demigod, fished up the North Island with a bone hook from his canoe, the South Island. If someone squints hard enough at a map of New Zealand then they'll see a vague resemblance to a manta-ray and a log of wood.
The British eventually arrived in New Zealand in double-masted plague ships to rape the Maori. The expedition was led by Captain Hook - a man universally known within New Zealand, but virtually unknown everywhere else except for the obscure island on which he was murdered and eaten. The British were relatively pleasant to the Maori, having already had their arses kicked by half the world's jigaboos, and after a brief bout of scuffles known affectionately as the Maori Land Wars a treaty was signed between the two granting many incredible gifts to the Maori such as immortality, Harley-Davidson motorcycles and gem-studded rims.
Unfortunately Mando'a (the language of the Maori) was a boring language to learn, so the treaty actually differs vastly between the English and the Maori translations. What the English intended to promise were actually centipedes and all the moss that the Maori could eat. This is still a bitter topic, and merely mentioning it to a Maori will earn you a terrifying war-dance. No, seriously. Almost every Maori has emigrated to Australia because New Zealand is an utter shithole and is under threat of being flooded because of global warming.
Modern New Zealanders are the result of much mixed breeding between the two races, as the pale British were overwhelmed by the aesthetics of the Maori's natural tendency to store fat on the hips and belly, presenting an exact imitation of high-born British royalty. New Zealanders are also horribly inbred and have been known to have two heads and three eyes, even tails. The IQ of a typical New Zealander is around 110 with lowest reportedly 67. This is primarily the fault of their notoriously poor educational system, which prides itself on it's shithole island than any real world facts (this is a common problem of foreign countries but NZ seems to do it even worse). In the end this resulted in possibly the highest count of a chemically imbalanced population of any nation in the world; proving the fact that New Zealand has no mental hospitals for the insane walk the streets. Common sights report people screaming at the air, losing their shoe and staring at it for ten minutes and fucked up laughs that sound like they have asthma.
Maori's are known to gather in Social Clubs known affectionately as "Gangs". Ancient Maori protocol states on sight of these groups one must yell "g fuckn run it str8 nigga!!!" "SIEG Blar SEIG!!!" to properly respect their culture (these words are also adopted by the Polynesian community.) The Maoris gangs also gather for weekly meetings inside "Maraes" which is Maori for "thief-hall".
New Zealand is also the furthest place on the globe from Israel. Thus it's the opposite of the Holy Land, which explains some of the not holy things going on over there. The city of whangarei is the complete opposite of Mecca so muslims pray away from this evil shit hole6
The Maori party is a group of unemployed Sea Nigras who wanted more of the sweet sweet chickens from Captain Hooks descendant's.
They seek to bring back the ideals of Maoridom by stealing land from farmers, making it compulsory that Maoris control 90% of the world and to have succulent white man flesh cooked every Thursday.
The ironic part is, with all their requests to go back to how things were over 100 years ago, they still want to keep all the white man technology.
To join the party you must be a full blooded Maori (which means have 1/16 Maori blood in you) and have at least 50 brothers and sisters, half of which must be in gangs, and give 20 bead necklaces, 4 blankets and $2 per year for membership [no really...].
Their policies include:-
- Entrenching Maori seats that only Maoris can apply for and only Maoris can vote for (currently 7 exist).
- Making it so Maoris can only apply for jobs (ironic since all Maoris are unemployed).
- Making Maori language compulsory in schools (can you say fuka, tanga and kiora? congratulations - you just learnt Maori).
Cut DownIncrease family domestic violence, to protect the bruva's.
- Charge monies for silly war dances that look like a down syndrome group krumping.
- Selling land at ridiculous prices and then make a treaty claim saying you got ripped off so you have to give you back your land.
- Making you pay more for stuff so you get Taniwha protection.
—A typical fair policy from the party
Currently the government. A bunch of right wing dickheads, intent of reducing inflation to 0-2% per annum by taking away everybody's money until nobody can afford anything, so prices don't go up. Simple? Rumour has it, so too is the Minister of Finance.
The Main Opposition. A bunch of right wing dickheads, who used to be a bunch of left wing dickheads until 1984 when, rumour has it, their souls were all sold to the Business Round Table (Mafia). We don't believe this, no no no, not at all. But it's worth repeating.
Scottish Monarchist Regressionists, intent in re-establishing the Jacobite line to supreme executive office, then disassembling all the trappings of modern technology (internal combustion engines, guttering systems, Unix, etc) and living a life of pastoral, clan-oriented bliss. It is interesting to note that New Zealand has no formal constitution and only one house of Parliament. So, if The McGillicuddy Serious Party is elected, it can do all this quite legally.
Some of their policies include.
- Sending out intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps, thus ensuring that no-one could invade the country.
- Replacing money with chocolate fish or with sand as legal tender.
- Standing a dog for parliament in the Hobson seat in Northland. Her policies included the abolition of cars, and turning a meat-works into an organic flea-powder factory.
- Raising the school leaving-age to sixty-five
- Full unemployment
- Full employment through slavery
- Using beer as a National Defence strategy: leaving many bottles of beer on all beaches, so that any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead while the broken bottles would prevent the army advancing any further anyway.
- The demolition of the Auckland CBD to create a giant sundial, using the Sky Tower as the pointer.
- Limiting the speed of light to 100km/h: 50km/h in Mt Roskill, (Auckland's Bible Belt), because folks there preferred to stay less enlightened.
- Linking the North Island and South Island by bulldozing the Southern Alps into Cook Strait.
- Mandatory homosexuality for 33% of the population.
- Free castrations
- Good weather (but only if voters behaved).
New Zealand is a country where for every one human, there is at least TEN other sheep. Australians, who are highly annoyed by their fucked up neighbors, often refer to New Zealanders as "Sheep Shaggers" and "Ram Rooters" being the most popular insults. Within the normal New Zealander family, there is a pet sheep. Rooting such sheep is a popular pastime for the males of the family. New Zealanders see no reason to pay for hookers when they can just run into the next paddock and do it with a certain woolly mammal. It is not uncommon for young sheep to be married off to prospective husbands who can offer a suitable dowry.
Plucky Kiwis help to defend the British Empire against the Japanese in WW2.
- Shortland Street. A show created as a vehicle for the phrase "You're not in Guatemala now, Dr. Ropata!".
- Most of LotR was filmed there, if you would call that a cultural contribution.
- Back of the Y Masterpiece Television -- wank jokes.
- Kiwi Poo.
- Steinlager Beer: a cross between faggot American watered down beer and apple cider.
Rugby is the only sport that New Zealand are not entirely shitty at! Sorry for them it's a faggot sport. If you start shit with one of their players then you are guaranteed to wake up with Vaseline farts and a size-9 poop chute. Most players have been abused by steroids and estrogen just for the lulz. The Haka will make anyone shit there little Y fronts and die.
Notable New Zealanders
- THE ONLY IMPORTANT THING FROM NEW ZEALAND IS THE "BEACHED AS, BRO" WHALE 
PLEASE IGNORE THE FOLLOWING THEY ARE ALL NEW ZEALAND PROPAGANDA
- Sheld999 aka the daebomb kid is a retard who can barely complete a sentence and exclaims loudly the word "DAE"
- Ernest Rutherford got famous for discovering the atomic nucleus at least 100 years ago. Then the government banned all use of his discoveries, but people in Germany liked these discoveries and used them to discover nuclear fission and nuclear fusion.
- Gin Wigmore became famous by singing like a slut on ecstasy and trying to sound like Amy Winehouse.
- Katherine Mansfield blogged about womyn's rights extensively.
- Sir Edmund Hillary was the first human to ascend Mount Everest in 1953 with a dead drag queen.
- The Man pwned the Maoris and made them white man's bitch.
- Antonie Dixon was pwned by a circle of dancing gremlins leading to spectacular fail.
- Temuera Morrison, an actor who played the critically-praised and universally remembered role of Jango Fett in the colossal craptacular shitfest that was the Star Wars prequels. Climbed to fame on his terrifying performance as an average suburban Maori family man 'Jake the Muz' in the movies 'Once were Warriors' and 'What becomes of the broken hearted'.
- The Flight of the Conchords are pretty much what happens when you Divide by zero.
- Lee Tamahori, kinky movie director whose career hit a wall when he was arrested in Hollywood offering blowjobs for money while dressed in drag as a street hooker (note: may have been hoping to discover what Hugh Grant's cock tasted like- apparently the 'Tamahori Method' is the easiest way to find out). Proof that that you can take a kiwi out of New Zealand, but you can't take the New Zealand out of a Kiwi. Oh, his films? Um, Die Another Day...Along Came A Spider...Mulholland Falls, and some flick about a drunken psychopath who continually beats the shit out of everything and everyone, including his missus...Oh yeah, Once Were Warriors.
- Peter Wadams (known by his wigger name "P Money") - Notable for forcefully sticking his cock into a teenage girl's face and telling her to kiss his balls. Then, he not only escaped conviction, but got the judge to impose a nationwide rule to pretend the whole thing never happened.
- Russell Crowe, musical genius, world champion tantrum chucker, occasional actor, and functional(ly) Australian. Is noted for his ability to look in two directions at once, and maintain dignity while being led out of New York hotels in handcuffs.
- Crowded House (aka the Brothers Finn). Proto-emos who sing about Te Awamutu and other places that utterly nobody gives a flying fuck about.
- Peter Jackson, movie director obsessed with blood, vomit, dismemberment, puppets, ghosts, giant apes and making impossible trilogies that make you want to claw your eyes out at the pathos of a boat full of failfags and midgets sailing over the edge of the world.
- Andrew Kepple, creator of many Fanimutations on Albino Blacksheep. Currently a refugee in Canada.
- Brian Tamaki, unconvicted Maori cult leader and lover of Bishop Eddie Long
- Ray Comfort. Known as the bananaman, possibly because he teamed up with TheAmazingAtheist and had a banana-in-butt party. Or because he has the intelligence of a rotten God-made banana.
- Steven Adams, a basketballer probably more notable for being an inspiration to the little homeless kids in Rotorua who currently can only play "Beat-the-ball", a game played by Uncle Mahe, who beats the fat little cunts. He is the highest paid New Zealand sports player, for no real reason other than his team have no better players to put in.
- Brenton Tarrant, a true kebab remover who assaulted a mosque and caused 51 sandniggers to meet their Allah. Now he's got the highest score of the year 2019.
[+]Click for text
The narrow emotional ledge on which the nation squats does indeed have a grand view, but its population must suspect that it's possible not merely to squat but to launch oneself into space, to spread one's wings and fly. But that quiet, friendly, hard-working Protestant modesty holds them fast.
The women seem very confident. The girls can be outrageous, rushing at you while waving a chunk of fast-food, squealing inanely, and lots of them have lesbian haircuts and they don't do cleavage. But however high-spirited, it all takes place somehow in slow motion.
There is something androgynous in the look of the Kiwis . . . and you don't see skinny people either. Hairlessness, chubbiness, androgynousness are also features of the Pacific Islanders, so maybe it has something to do with the geography, which gets to everyone eventually, regardless of genetic origins.Taupo is a holiday encampment extending for miles in a bleak, lunar suburbia. There is something repulsive too about the lake, which is harsh and steely. And beyond, hideous vistas of dust where they've harvested pine trees, an endless nuclear-blasted death to the limits of the horizon.