Nick Clegg

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TFW you lied your way into power, set your cause back 40 years, and lost your cushy job for it


Nick Clegg, the "stud monkey of Parliament", is the leader of the Liberal and Social Democrat party of the UK, and has brought sex into British politics for the first time since the tragic death of the MP and part time supermodel, The Right Honourable Mo Mowlam (18 December 1949- 19 August 2005.)

As a 16-year-old exchange student in Munich, Germany, he performed community service for a minor case of arson: he and a girlfriend attempted to smoke Germany's leading collection of cacti belonging to a professor, in the mistaken belief that they were hallucinogenic, something which he said he was "not proud" of, when it re-emerged during his time as LSD Home Affairs spokesman [1]. His Dutch mother Hermance van den Baked was a hippy with special drug needs who had been interned as a girl with her family by the Amsterdam police, who were quoted as saying "de vrouw was harshing mijn buzz, man". His great-great-great-great aunt was the writer Baroness Mora Budsmoke, who liked to share horse cock with Catherine the Great [2].

The Rise of Clegg

Clegg first sprung to attention on the popluar British pron soap "Last Of The Summer Wine" and then went onto to achieve a nomination for his local LSD coven by allowing his 12' pink torpedo to swing about during a spirited rendition of "Stay on the scene, (get on up), like a sex machine." In an article in Women's Weekly Clegg claimed to have had 'the sexy time' with 'no more' than 9000 women [3]. In a no-holds-barred interview involving handcuffs and babyoil, Clegg recalled being "pretty gobsmacked" on first meeting a when they were both studying in Belgium. "You haven't lived until you've eaten three day old paella out of a senorita's pubic bush," he said. "It's fish heaven." After first mistakenly wooing her in French, he learnt to speak Spanish 'for her sake' (although cynics say he was merely shouting in English and putting "O" on the ends of words). "It was then I realised that I wanted to pound as deeply into the European Community as I could," purred Clegg, oiling his torso.

Sex And Drugs And A Fairer Voting System For All

Having deposed previous leaders of the LSD - Sir Charles Kennedy over an addiction scandal and Sir Menzies-The-Newagents over a viagra scandal - Clegg has gradually laid down a bedrock support amoung women of 15-30, personally signing the perter pairs of love pillows with a felt pen and donating a special protein drink from his boy sausage to the most nubile.


The Man, The Policies, The 12 Inch Cock

Swinging himself around like Ninja out of Die Antwoord, Clegg recently "won" a debate against David "Dave" Cameron and a lump of wood in a suit from the Labour Party by promising to be the hard and thrusting vanguard of the progressive centre left. Whilst doing a member of the audience doggie stylee Clegg vowed "The. LSD. Will. Be. The.Party. With. The. Strongest. Mandate.", before coming in her hair.

Policies include;

Anna Span

Yes, this is what passes for a porn star in Britain.

Clegg has encouraged porn actresses to star as LSD MPs, saying of the latest - Anna Span - that "she cares passionately about her area" [4]. The LSD have set up a special site featuring the best of Miss Span's work [5] and plans to feature her and Nick in a special Election Night "love film".

Nick Clegg: The Musical

Last Thursday, some enterprising young Brits created this charming musical tribute to Nick Clegg's political career.


I'm Sorry

Clegg's new single is available in all good record shops now. Not that any of you plebs could afford to buy a fucking copy, now that your tuition fees are through the roof.


Legacy

   
 
It's only a matter of time before the word "Clegg" enters the dictionary as a noun meaning "agonised, doe-eyed apologist". Or maybe it'll become a verb. Years from now, teachers will ask their pupils to stop "clegging on" about how the dog ate their homework and just bloody hand it in on time.

Clegg's most recent act of clegging was to explain to this newspaper that the Institute of Fiscal Studies was wrong to brand the spending review "unfair".

"I think you have to call a spade a spade," he clegged, immediately before demonstrating his commitment to straightforward language by querying the definition of the word "fair".

The previous administration's simplistic "culture of how you measure fairness", was partly to blame for the Institute's foolishness, clegged Clegg in a cleggish tone of voice.
 


 
 

—Charlie Brooker on Nick Clegg.

See Also

Vote Clegg!

External Links

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