Ninjas vs. Pirates

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East meets West meets Lame
A compelling argument for the pirate side

An ongoing argument spurred by unfunny fags in which the question "Who would win in a fight: ninjas or pirates?" is posed. Rarely does anyone who poses said question actually care about the answer; It is in reality a feeble tactic for sounding wacky and "SO RANDOM!!!", most often resorted to annoying candy raver goth kids who even juggalos look down on. This is, of course, a retarded question, as both groups would team up and fail at conquering the world. Ironically, approximately 99.33% (repeating of course) of the people who use this joke would last less than four seconds as either a ninja or a pirate because they are all worthless, niggardly Basement-dwellers.

The Fight

Since ninjas would probably have to sail out to the pirates, they would be sunk by the pirates' cannons. Some argue that ninjas could fly to the pirate ships. These same people would argue that when the pirates would shoot pistols at the ninjas, the ninjas would deflect the bullets with their swords. These same people are also retards.

If (and this is the more likely possibility) the ninjas stayed on land and let the pirates come to them, they could take them out one at a time as they came down the gangplank, or defeat one longboat-full at a time.

Conversely, the ninjas' collective penchant for secrecy and remaining unseen could be the reason this war has yet to be waged. Due to the large amount of attention that pirates attract, the prospect of a sneak attack becomes next to impossible. Result: NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

The most lulzy thing, of course, is that the question was answered many years before it became popular, in James Clavell's Shogun and Gai-Jin.


Enthusiasts of this discussion are an ample source of drama because they are all pseudo-intellectuals who have completely forgotten that the whole thing is fucking stupid. They stay up late into the night writing theses on the socio-political and philsophical ramifications of a ninja and a pirate getting in a fight.

Those preferring the pirates are most often pretentious hipsters and disoriented discordian hippies, with the occasional Maddox fanboy or 13 year old boy who wants to anal rape Johnny Depp and who pretends he's old enough to drink rum, but who is totally unaware that it tastes remarkably similar to crap. Those on the ninja side are almost always otaku who have decayed their brains with anime, video games, J-Pop and Pocky to the point that they think they have magic powers and know karate.

Both sides hate pinjas (pirate-ninja crossbreeds) more than Hitler hated the Jews, and rightfully so, because they are pussies, and are generally blind due to having Asian eyes and having an eyepatch. They also share a common hatred of anyone who has enough of a life to realize the topic is retarded.

What to expect

Typical pro-Pirate Argument(s)

"Man, you just don't get it man, it's about like freedom, man, like sex, drugs and rock and roll, like Hendrix, man, like whoa..."

Typical pro-Ninja Argument(s)

"jur a faggot" or "Ninjas are UBER awesome."

"ZOMG, Naruto iz awesumer than any Piratez"

"ninjaz wull us der uber awsum ninja fly'n powers tu kill dem"

Video Games

For years a fiercely debated topic has been at the forefront of all gamers minds. This debate has pitted friends against friends and has even destroyed the core of some gamers families. In summer 2006 the debate and feuding is over. There is only one question that remains.... are you a Ninja or a Pirate?

This game has some potential if it works out the way it is. The creators are making this off the Torque Engine (if anyone is familiar with Tribes 2). So at least it's not another HL mod.

Ninjas Vs. Pirates video game website

Another developer named Blazing Lizard announced that they were copyrighting, trademarking and patenting the name Pirates Vs. Ninjas and were creating a game called Pirates Vs. Ninjas Dodgeball which will be released in 2008 for the XBox. Exactly what Pirates and Ninjas have to do with Dodgeball remains to be seen.

The Truth to the Matter

In reality, it's fairly easy to see which one wins. It's not about freedom, power, or evilyness, as some faggots like to say. It really all just comes down which is greater for the all mighty cock. The most popular things brought to this discussions are the animes of Naruto and One Piece, which are cartoons about Ninjas and Pirates, respectively. Taking away plot, depth, and entertainment, you are left with the characters. And all the wapanese fucks make fan art for the two either make Naruto and Sasuke have ninja man sex, Or have Robin and Nami have lady pirate sex.

So, it all comes down to it. Are you a man/lesbian who enjoys the pussy? Pirates win. You a fag? Ninjas are for you. Of course, this argument is only validated if you're an animu faggot who watches both these damn shows with interest. What, you wanted to be told that you're NOT gay? That's what pity sex and your mom are for.

External links

Featured article August 31, 2005
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