Nintendo

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Nintendo HQ being ravaged by angry Social Justice Warriors shortly after the release of "Tomodachi Life: 'No Gays' Edition."

Nintendo is a console manufacturer, video game developer and publisher. It produces games for 8-year-olds (Super Mario Bros.), for 11-year-olds (The Legend of Zelda), recycles franchises which passed their expiration date in the nineties (Starfox, Metroid, Kirby and Donkey Kong) and makes unfeasible party games you can't play because you are dying alone (Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers and all other Mario spin-offs).

The wapanese gaming empire that has spawned the likes of Mario and countless other pixelated games all started when Yamauchi, then president of Nintendo (back when it still made gambling cards), visited the United States and went "HORY SHET! YOUR OFFICE SO SMARR!" after discovering the success of the Atari. This prompted him to try his luck with electronics.

Enter Shigeru Miyamoto, product developer in charge of developing the casing for exciting games such as Light Tennis. Since he worked a job that was almost impossible to fail at, he rose into the company ranks and moved on to developing Monkey Kong (not a ripoff of King Kong), whose translation he ended up fucking up since he didn't know shit about English. Nevertheless, the game was a hit in wop pizza parlors and Nintendo became the best source of income for the Japan, second only to hentai.

Contents

Consoles

Nintendo Entertainment System

Nuvola
Moar info: NES.
A star is born!
Super Mario Bros. 2

In 1985, Shigeru was growing tired of selling games to little Japanese boys and not American boys. So, he expanded the NES's market so eighties children could bitch for $200 on a console instead of a quarter for the much better hardwired arcade machines. The revenue was enough for Nintendo to help all the children of Kenya, but they didn't. Instead, they created a toy robot named R.O.B. to help Nintendo take more of American parents' money with two worthless games to go with it.

Game Boy

What's better than shitty graphics on an old 8-inch TV? That's right, shitty graphics on a brick with a three-inch screen! The Game Boy featured games that were less challenging, much less exciting than those on the NES and only came with four colours. The Pokémon series were the only reason anyone bought the gray piece of shit, and for that, it's been remade into the Game Boy Pocket, then the Game Boy Color, the Game Boy Advance, the Nintendo DS, and most recently the Nintendo 3DS, all of which eat your batteries and electric bill like a fatass.

Super Nintendo

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Moar info: Super Nintendo.
Chick not included.

Dark clouds were on the horizon. Sega entered the market and immediately began anally raping Nintendo with Sonic the Hedgehog. To combat this situation, Nintendo released the SNES, which featured remakes of all their best-selling games on the NES, something that would become a sin in their later consoles.

Virtual Boy

You see this shit? Badass. As. FUCK.
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Moar info: Virtual Boy.

Eventually, Nintendo actually gained some common sense and made a quality product, deemed the "Virtual Boy". This ingenious, super-portable device would allow you to strap it to your eyes with the included head strap and fully immerse yourself into the gaming experience. It even came with a two leg kickstand and marvelously designed controller. The Virtual Boy was a huge hit among the masses, partly because of it's enormous library of quality games; with beautiful graphics to boot! It was also the first gaming medium to offer "TRUE 3D graphics." That shit blew people's fucking minds at the time of its release and only served to increase its popularity among hardcore and casual gamers alike. Unlike shitty modern day handheld consoles, the Virtual Boy offered a soothing, immersive, functional and non-straining 3D sensation that didn't want to make you gouge your eyeballs out. All of this plus a cheap price point concocted the ultimate gaming device.

Unfortunately, Shitendo had to be faggot jew scum and discontinue the Virtual Boy console. A damn shame too, it was known as Nintendo's only decent product. But hey, if the bigheads down at Nintendo Headquarters were known for their incredible business smarts and flawless work ethic, then the Wii U wouldn't be the biggest flop since forever. Swish!

Nintendo 64

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Moar info: Nintendo 64.
I'm super SMASHED, bro!

Nintendo was initially working with 3D-like games on the SNES, such as Starfox. But after Miyamoto had yet another stroke of genius, he canned all of the SNES projects and assigned the worst video-game controller ever to his upcoming masterpiece. Fortunately, by this time, the Sony Playstation had already come out with the far superior emos and elves game, Final Fantasy VII, so the N64 was utterly defeated.

Gamecube

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Moar info: Gamecube.

Nintendo responded to the Xbox and Playstation 2 with a console incompatible with CD's, DVD's and pretty much anything else. So for the same price, a person could buy either a console that could play CD's, DVD's and games like Final Fantasy or Halo, or said person could buy a console that would only play exciting rehashes like Mario Kart: Double Dash and Starfox Adventures.

Alternate startup.

DS

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Moar info: Nintendo DS.

The DS is a shitty wannabe PSP, with lower specs than the 486 in your attic. It seriously only has 67MHz and a whopping 4mb of RAM. And a resolution of 256x192. This means it can only play shitty games like Pokeman and Final Fantasy IV.

Wii

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Moar info: Wii.

Rather than aim at making a console similar to its competitors Playstation (PS3) and Microsoft (Xbox 360), Nintendo chose a different route and decided to make a game with a remote for a controller and advertise it with old Japanese men coming over to people's homes and saying "We like to play," in their commercials. It featured the typical Mario remakes as well as "sports" games such as bowling and golf, because it's better to play at home and knock down pixelated pins rather than real ones, right?

Twilight Princess was Wii's launch title, but the Gamecube version is just as playable, not to mention that it has a REAL controller, so why pay $250 for a new system?

Wii U

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Moar info: Wii#WiiU.

After most people realized the Wii was just a Gamecube with wagglin', the top dogs at Nintendo decided it was time to show people that a game console with computer hardware from 2007 2009 is better than the 2004 hardware in the Xbox 360 by putting an iPad in the controller and using a bird to make their system look good and not like old outdated trash. When asked about E3 2011, most Nintendrones just say LOOK AT TAHT WATARRR!!1!

Kung Pow is where Nintendo got the name for both the Wii and Wii U console.
Take note, this is 2002.

Nintendo Switch

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Moar info: Nintendo Switch.

The next console in the works to be released in March 2017. It's a shitty combination of the 3DS and the Wii U - but with less benefits. This is, without exception, a really fucking desperate attempt to stay relevant in today's collapsing gaming market.

Considering how Iwata bit the dust and a much more rational president took over, Nintendo might rise from the ashes. Only time can tell.

Fanboys

Our fearless fanboy example.
With this new machine, I'll have all the bitches I want!!!!
What fanboys doodle on the backs of homework.

It's easy to spot a Nintendo fanboy. They usually have a Nintendo keychain, thick glasses (because playing Nintendo at 2:00 AM ruined their eyes as a kid), acne, messy dandruff-ridden hair and for some reason like the taste of watermelons from playing too much Yoshi's Island or Kirby. Often, they'll quote lines of famous Nintendo characters, such as "Pikachu!" or "It's a-me, Mario!"

Trolling fanboys

  • If they're tourneyfags (obsessed with tournaments), remind them that Nintendo consoles are for casual gamers.
  • Tell them Microsoft and Sony are far more successful companies.
  • Remind them Nintendo started off making gambling cards.
  • Tell them that Nintendo also created love hotels. Simply put it, love hotels are hotels that allow couples to fuck each other.
  • Tell them that Nintendo owns the rights to a Mario porno starring Ron Jeremy.
  • Say that Sonic could kick Mario's arse.
  • Tell them the Mario Bros. series is based on an acid trip.
  • Tell them that the Genesis was better then the SNES.
  • Tell them that without shitty rehashed exclusives, Nintendo would be dead.
  • Tell them Mario is a Communist.
  • Also tell them that he's a psychopath to boot.
  • Tell them Pokémon converts people to furries.
  • Remind them that Mario is pathetic, and his girlfriend gets constantly kidnapped by a fucking turtle.
  • Remind them Nintendo gave up on the Final Fantasy series.
  • Remind them Nintendo systems all lack worthwhile "M" games.

Be warned, fair troll, you will encounter an entirely butthurt, whiny argument lasting no less than several hours, where said fanboy will try to connive, dance, even throw red herrings and make obscene jokes about your mom. It's always best to troll them in groups of two or more, as Nintendrones are easily trolled in groups. You can start by pointing out reasons why Nintendo just plain sucks. If you make them cry or bitch, then you're doing it right.

Videos

Every Nintendo Direct ever.
Un.
Duex.
Trois.
The Mario Bros. talking in paragraphs for the first time.

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Galleries

About missing Pics

Rule 34 About missing Pics

See also

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