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This article is paid for by decent, honest, hard-working, salt o' the earth British taxpayers like you.

Thanks a lot, Broken Britain.

Police.gif A wild SNORLAX appears!
An artistic depiction of Emma.
A better artistic depiction of Emma.
For fun, try to guess which one is rounder: Emma or the 500-pound M&M (hint: it's Emma).

Nuttymadam3575 (Emma Clark), also known as "Captain Ahab's WHITE WHALE!", is an emo lolcow of titanic proportions. Being unable to have a man due to her disgusting features and jack-o-lantern teeth, she has become obsessed with the shitty Twilight series by hack writer Stephanie Meyer, whose latest book was illegally distributed. She makes it obvious in her videos that she thinks Breaking Dawn is an "amazing booooook." She is one of the main reasons why Jewtube is awful due to the massive garbage people put up on the site. Her other passions include food, Bebo, and Linkin Park. She is a sperm whale, in that she will dive down to 7,200 feet below sea level for food. In short, she is a killing and eating machine.

Nuttymadamn, due to her lack of a social life and actual friends, seems to have almost entirely lost her touch with reality, as her unnatural obsessions with her favorite vampire boooooooks, her profound hatred for critics of said books, her sexual fantasies about the main characters of these boooooooks, and her belief that what people say on the internet matters, clearly indicate. She is also suspected of being a closet otherkin.

Apparently the poor girl has has been fat all her life, (possibly due to mass cheeseburger ingestion), but has only recently been attacked by peg-legged sailors with harpoons. Cries from health specialists such as Anon to "Stop eating bacon!" have sadly been ignored. If her ingestion continues at this rate, she will soon be too big for the intertubes. Also, she has recently made a video attacking the haters! In said video, she claims to have people listen to her, now that she's becoming like a total Internet celebrity! Shamu is also a britfag actually we can't figure out WHAT she is. She speaks with what can be described as a broken English accent, but this might simply be a British submarine she didn't entirely swallow.

Nuttymadam does not advocate free speech. If you do not agree that Stephenie Meyer is greater than Shakespeare and Jane Austin combined then you are a WANKER. She has also been known to scream randomly at the top of her lungs.

Additionally, her head is shaped like a block of cement.


The Professor said not to harm an insect just because it’s yucky on the outside, but… this one's yucky on the inside!


—Blossom, The Powerpuff Girls

O pretty umazing buuk u got there. It's a Misery thing? Yeah, it's a Misery thing.

Being English, Emma was born into a family of disgusting inbreds with disgusting teeth. This has taken its toll, as she has the intellect of a 13 year old girl and suffers from Prader-Willi. Hence she has become a devoted fangirl of the Twilight franchise. The wild Snorlax first appeared on Youtube to record her reaction to the Twilight trailer.

It is clear that the humming we hear is that of her vibrator due to her orgasmic reaction. Or perhaps it's the generator powering up the shitty trailer she lives in.

Also she fails miserably at attempting to suffocate herself and become an hero. TRY AGAIN!


Breaking Dessert

The finale to Twilight, Breaking Dawn was released and reviewers had finally decided to give the series the acclaim it deserved as it received profuse amounts of mockery and scorn. Emma raged as she realized that others had the nerve to have opinions that didn't conform precisely to hers. She created this lulzy video in response to the criticism.

WARNING: Pissed off Whale ahead, proceed with caution

A Baumtard wandered upon this video and quickly posted it on Ebaumsworld. Ebaumsworld manned the harpoons and attacked.


In response to negative criticism, Emma quickly made a new video bashing her haters. She warns us that no one upsets her friends. Just for fun, try to distinguish the sounds she makes from whale calls, blind rage, and the noises of someone passing a kidney stone.

In this video she declares her new quest to take on Anonymous. Unfortunately, this will probably not amount to lulz because she's obviously too busy eating pita bread sandwiches to carry out her fucktarded threats. Emma also seems to believe that being raided by anon will now give her the attention she deserves, and her opinions will now get to the right people, because the Anons will be sure to transfer her opinion to somebody who cares.

Due to severe butthurt, it seems that Nuttymadam has deleted the 400 or so comments that her new video acquired in less than five hours. Also, comments are now being monitored. Spam her inbox for great justice.

Diet Fail

Nuttymadam just before seeing the final Harry Potter movie, showing how serious she is about her diet.

After failing a diet previously (not before she'd bragged about it in several videos, of course), Nuttymadam made a new channel, dietmadam, which was supposed to help motivate her fellow Snorlaxes to lose weight. She updated it twice in two months, then closed it when "harassed" to make videos more often, claiming she no longer needed to "help" others when they acted so ungrateful for the monthly videos of her bragging about buying a Wii Fit game and using it, like, once a week (see also: Epic fail). Before she closed her account, however, Nuttymadam revealed her weight as being 30 stone, which is 190 kilos (or about 420 pounds). She also provided a few full-body pictures of herself on her channel:

Nuttymadam Wailord.pngNuttymadam Snorlax.pngNuttymadam Fat.jpg

Lulzy Quotes



—Nuttymadam, on great literature

Fuck off and shove your head up your ass and at least that way the shit that comes out of your mouth will end up in the right place after all, coming out of your ass!


—Nuttymadam, on how she thinks the human digestive system works



—Nuttymadam, in reference to her twinkies and ho hos

And I certainly don't mind if your half-naked!


—Nuttymadam, on pedophilia

Because of all you...wanks...pffttGEEBAGEGARHGHGHHGRRR!!! I can't even think of a word strong enough. I'm gonna refer to you as wanks. Okay, you're all wanks. Everyone who's attacked Breaking Dawn, you're a wank. Simple as that! Wank. Wank. Wank. Wank. Wank.


—Nuttymadam, on the fine art of masturbation



—Nuttymadam, on bestiality

Since when do you get what you want by complaining?


—Nuttymadam, on hypocrisy

Man the harpoons! *sarcastic laughter* You're so intelligent. *sarcastic laughter again* Oh, 'cause I've never heard that one before. *sarcastic la -Oh, ‘cause I’ve just been fat for like the last two week *sarcastic laughter yet again*


—Nuttymadam, on obvious psychological defense mechanisms

That, that, no that way. One of these two ways.


—Nuttymadam, confused by the difference of right and left.

Any person that sends me a comment or a personal message or anything from this or anything else telling me what happens in the rest of the book before I read it, I WILL hunt you down and kill you slowly. If I have to, I'll drink your blood. I'll go all vamptastic on your bad ass.


—Nuttymadam, totally not insane at all

Went all black there for a minute. I don't mean black as in black person, cause I'm not racist.


—Nuttymadam, on racism

Stephenie Mayor is a genius. Yah-huh. Yah-huh.


—Nuttymadam, doesn't know how to pronounce her favorite author's name.

Renesmee rocks. She's the coolest little girl ever. I want one! Not a real one, a vampire one.


—Nuttymadam, high on crystal meth

Fap fap fap fap fap


—Nuttymadam trying to navigate around the fat to find her pussy



— Nuttymadam on ED.

I'll be scared when someone knocks on my door, and not before then. Even then I know how to defend myself.


—Nuttymadam on how to act hard on the intertubes.



—Nuttymadam on the VMA's.

I've been fat all my life. If I gave a shit do you think I would still be fat?


—Nuttymadam, loves her lard

See, I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am. You fucking tithead, go get a life!


—Nuttymadam, on non-twilight obsessives

There's been so much more attention to Twilight's movies, books, merchandise, has generated so much more attention than, as far as I can remember, ANY of Stephen King's books ever did.


—Nuttymadam, on how much she really knows what the hell she's talking about

A Breakdown of Your Typical Nuttymadam Rant

Nuttymadam's is a pro at MS Paint. Yes, she really is that pathetic LOL! look at the top middle picture. Fuck the harpoons, get me a big fishing hook and some bait and soon, I'll have enough whale blubber to be set for LIFE!!
Trying and failing to look attractive, PRO TIP: she is drinking lard.

1. Pause for three seconds to allow recently devoured Cheetos to go down the gullet.
2. Reply to criticism by screaming over and over, calling everyone "shtyupid".
3. Pause in talking due to numbness in arm and pain in chest.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 as many times as possible.
5. Finish and return to food.

NuttyMadam's Moveset

It is clear that she uses these paticular moves cause, as we all know, she's a fuckin Snorlax!

1. Body Slam (just because. Look at it)

2. Splash (tries to incite Twilight, but nothing happens)


4. Rest (hey, all Snorlaxes need their sleep, don't they?)

Trolling Nuttymadam

Tell her Robert Pattinson leaked Midnight Sun because he hates Edward.

Send her the link to this article.

Troll her BlogTV. Be careful, she has been known to kick people out at the first mention of Shrek or harpoons.

Make fun of her E-Friend Rachel. It gets many Lulz out of Nuttymadam.

Ask her if she knows who Bram Stoker is.

Ask her how the fuck Twilight is better than Salem's Lot, Christine, The Shining, It, Cujo, Carrie, Misery and the Dark Tower series.

Tell her that without Dracula she wouldn't have her precious fucking Edward.

Ask her if she felt sympathy for the families of the many thousands of children she has evidently eaten.

Ask her why she is obsessed with a series marketed towards 12-year-old children.

Tell her that if she really wanted to date a vampire, she should move to London


Challengers Appear!

An EDiot's Guide to 2007

Her face is just so... pretty.


NuttyMadam Doesn't Know Shit About Stephen King

Recently, author Stephen King commented on the books, basically sharing his thoughts on what the fuck this shit was, and sensibly said that Meyer couldn't write. This got Nuttymadam pissed off, as she generally doesn't care for criticism or people who don't think like her, and she went on YouTube spouting a bunch of bullshit, with absolutely no frame of reference as to what the hell she was talking about. At her overwhelming stupidity, the average YouTube-watcher as well as Anonymous, pointed at her, clutched their stomachs and threw their heads back as they laughed heartily at her expense.

Atomic.gif Warning!
She asking for it.
Two nerds faggots deliver it.
A little whore girl is clever.
Don't know what the fuck she's saying.

NuttyMadam's rant against King has an added irony, as King predicted NuttyMadam's psychotic Meyer-loving behavior before she even came into the world: Stephanie Meyer will now never travel to Scotland, as NuttyMadam would likely trap her in a snowbound hut like the fantard did to James Caan in Misery.

NuttyMadam's appearence on The Soup

NuttyMadam happened to show up on the gay E! show 'The Soup' in where they speak of the 'New Moon' trailer and show a clip of her reacting to the trailer, in the same fashion she did with the Twilight trailer. This occurred on 6/5/09. It was actually just to promote some gayer show on G4 called 'WEB Soup'. She also popped up rolled in on another useless show on E! The Daily 10. So clearly, the USA, being one of the most overweight countries, wants to promote ugly, british/scottish/snorlax-ish people.

NuttyMadam's newest obsession

Lately, NuttyMadam has ditched Edward's glittery arsehole for a show called Supernatural. Supernatural is, in reality, a far superior medium of entertainment than Twilight (the vampires decapitate people and have razor sharp shark teeth), but NuttyMadam made this video and just had to douche it up for everybody. Because that's her job. Observe.

Nutty quits teh Youtubes

Donation Priorities
1.) Paying for college or any educational materials: NO
2.) Pay back mum for the laptop: NO
3.) Put it towards the house that she can't afford: NO
5.) Internet connection, moar fangirl videos and blowing it all on merchandise at conventions: HELL YES!

Because the managers at Nutty's job have figured out that they're better off not having a 9000 pound whale of a twitard working for them and giving her cash so that she could waste it on pointless Twilight merchandise, they have decided to fire her from her job, which means that if Nutty has no means of funding her endless supply of ho-ho's, Twinkies, and Twilight shit, she will have no choice but to become An Hero. She also admits defeat to all the haters she's ever had. But before she does, she has to BAAAAAAAAAAAW to her audience one last time.

Moral PayPal Faggotry

Moar info: Mars Defden.
Mars Defden [1] [2] [3] (Kelley Harold) shows how moralfags are always destroying the lulz here

Somewhere among the BAAAAAAAAAAAW that Nutty was broadcasting, a little moralfag named Mars Defden was suffering from trolls remorse and so crawled her way onto the JewTube and started a donation for Nuttymadam [4]. Mars is the owner of the site and while she continues to rant about how chopping her dollar is going to produce more lulz, shes only really doing it because she's the only person on Earth that doesn't want her to become an hero.

Nuttey Appeared on TV

Last thursday, a whale was aired on tv. The whale has reacted on YouTube.

The Whale Returned

Nuttymadam reacted to the new Breaking Dawn trailer in which she baws and cries once again.


On 25th of July 2012, Nuttymadam's video reacting to Kristin Stewart dumping Rob Patts got featured on Perez Hilton's blog and received attention (including from Patney himself). KStew, in typical whorish fashion, dumped Robby Patts for the director on her newest movie, and as a result Fattymadam wailed and weeped like any whale would.

oh look, another twilighter whale that has washed up on the shore


—a bored Youtuber.

Did she eat her boyfriend?



I've had about 20 people email me that thing, she's become a celebrity in her own right now, she's funny, i mean she should be in the movies! I wanna meet her, thats one of the people i wanna meet, that was pretty spectacular that video.


—Rob Patts


Nuttymadam Twitter Lulz.JPG

Due partly to Twilight ending and the author's recent claim that she's moved on from her shitty series, Nuttymadam has been very depressed lately. It should be noted that Nuttymadam has suffered from depression before (probably due to all the chemicals in the food she eats) and has been unable to work because of it. That's right, the good working citizens of the UK had to fork over their hard-earned money in order to pay for the living expenses of this woman until she discovered Twilight and became happy again. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS Nuttymadam lost her job, either for playing World of Warcraft on the job or masturbating over Twishite on the job (or both). Either way, enjoy supporting this worthless Snorlax's food, video games, porn and therapy for the next few years, Britfags.

Previously, though very unhappy about Twilight ending, Nuttymadam was at least able to pretend to be content with her life, latching onto other popular, overrated sensations such as The Hunger Games and Fifty Shades of Grey. Evidently it would have been too much to ask that Nuttymadam actually found new fandoms based off things that actually interested her. Instead, she had to pretend Twilight's shitty rip-offs were enough to keep her going. But now that even the creator of her sex fantasies has become ashamed of Twilight and moved on from it, Nuttymadam has become very distraught. One only needs to look at her Twitter and Facebook to see the results of Meyer's latest claim. We can only hope that this latest revaluation will be enough to finally drive this young Twitard over the edge.

All you little troll-fuckers... *snickers* I didn't an hero. I'm still here... and that just gets your goat.


—Nuttymadam, in 2009

Literally fuck this. So much for getting help.


—Nuttymadam, in 2013

Just wish I could stop crying.


—Nuttymadam, crying over a book series aimed at young teen girls

Sometimes I just don't see the point. Why is it always 1 step forward and 2 steps back?!


—Nuttymadam, on her weekly exercise routine

Not a fan of depressing and overly thoughtful tweets? Might want to unfollow.


—Nuttymadam, thinking she's interesting

Feel like crap. Why can't I just have a whole day of good? It's not alot to ask.


—Nuttymadam, thinking a Twitard has the right to be happy

So fucking annoyed right now. Another week completely wasted. What is the point?


—Nuttymadam, having a rare moment of insight

When I don't think about it I feel numb and empty and when i do think about it, it just hurts. WTF is my life now.


—Nuttymadam, contemplating an hero'ing?

Feel so lost right now. No idea who to be or what to think. All the things I used to turn to when things were bad aren't there anymore.


—Nuttymadam, treating to loss of her favorite book series like the death of several loved ones

When crying doesn't make you feel better, what else is there to do?


—Nuttymadam, just 48 hours before making a World of Warcraft update. Yes, she's very depressed

I hate myself so much right now.


—Nuttymadam, finally forming an accurate opinion of herself

I lost my job this week, and I'm in therapy and I just don't want to give a shit anymore but WoW is keeping me going. Somehow. :)


—Nuttymadam, admitting her pitiful existence is sustained through playing a shitty MMO

It's days like this I'd rather be dead. I just don't care anymore.


—Nuttymadam, fishing for sympathy

Cat meows at the door to come in, and vomits 3 times under my bed at 4am. He's lucky he's cute. Excuse me while i get no sleep. At all. :(


—Nuttymadam: even her cats troll her

This country is so fucked up. People who need help are made to feel worse just for asking for what they are entitled to.


—Nuttymadam, whining about those who call her out on being a worthless, welfare-abusing leech

My fucking laptop was all I had left. Now I'm facing Xmas with no furniture, food, no decorations and on top of it all, my laptop is broken.


—Nuttymadam, fishing for more donations and upset that her laptop died after she's spent the last several months playing WoW on it for twelve hours a day

Whoever is trying to tell me through all the shit that I should give up, you win. I quit. Fuck this stupid pointlessness and pain.


—Nuttymadam, spending time she could be using to buy a nice noose with her welfare money on fishing for sympathy over Twitter instead

I guess I must have been an asshole in my previous life cause this one isn't going well so far.


—Nuttymadam, refusing to own up to the fact that she's been an asshole in her current life

Nuttymadam's Delusion

Nuttymadam likes to think that being fat is her only flaw and that people only make fun of her because of that one fact. In reality, people hate and make fun of her because she's an intolerant, hateful, immature bitch (and not in the good way like us nice folks here at ED) who refuses to listen to opposing opinions. Stephen King says Twilight is utter shit and Stephenie Meyer can't write, and Nuttymadam throws a hissy fit and attacks his appearance; people say they didn't care for Breaking Dawn, and Nuttymadam snaps at them and calls them all ungrateful stupid-heads, even fellow fans; someone writes to a help columnist and asks for advice because they're in love with a fictional character to the point where it's affecting their daily lifes, the help columnist suggests they should seek therapy, and Nuttymadam flies into a rage and says a help columnist has no right to give advice to people who ask for it.

Generally speaking, if someone is fat, most people won't give a shit and will still respect them as long as they're a nice person and at least reasonably intelligent. A perfect example is a Youtube video Nuttymadam recently drew inspiration from. The man who posted it is even more obese than Nuttymadam (an achievement not many people can reach), and yet his video (as of Novemeber 1st 2013) has over 50,000 likes and only about 2,000 dislikes, and its comment section is almost nothing but positive. This is because people, with some exceptions, don't just make fun of people for being fat; they make fun of them for a multitude of reasons. One can only wonder why Nuttymadam couldn't realize this when she saw and posted direct evidence of this herself.

The bottom line is, even if Nuttymadam somehow managed to do a complete 360 and lose all her fat before dying of a heart attack, people would still troll her for being intolerant, stupid (yet under the impression that she's intelligent, which doesn't help) and having no identity of her own outside of shitty literature and other pathetic hobbies. The fact that she likes Twilight only adds fuel to the fire, especially since she made so many reaction videos to it and took more than five years to realize that most of her audience was laughing at her, not with her. It took her about the same amount of time to realize that she isn't BFFs with "Rob" or "Kris," or any of the other "actors" in Twilight, and was only invited to conventions to be laughed at. Needless to say, thinking she only has one flaw is extremely arrogant.


Below we have the gallery of fail. Ladies and Gentlemen, behold the many many many faces of Nuttymadam...

Muttymadam Gallery About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


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