Oral Roberts

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Oral Roberts was a highly influential and groundbreaking televangelist. On December 15th, 2009, he was struck down by the wrath of Raptorjesus for his blasphemy, Jew and hatred. Nobody whose opinion even remotely counts gave half a shit about the whole affair, except to point out that he was a total douchenozzle.

Childhood and Early Life

Oral "Skullfuck" Roberts was the son of a Preacher and a dairy cow living on a farm in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. He claims to be of Aboriginal descent, which if you think about it explains his overwhelming greed and alcoholism. The little fuck's parents were so poor that they took to pimping him out on the street as a back-alley semen vacuum for booze money. Roberts described this as a formative experience for him, as it taught him to do painful and humiliating things for money, which heavily infuenced his later religious work. As he grew older, his parents' crack habit exceeded whatever he was bringing home turning tricks at the truck stops, so they gave him to sicker and sicker Johns to maximize their earnings. When he was 17, one punter was so rough with him that he was nearly killed and had to be hospitalized. To cover up the shame of this experience, he claimed that it was just a bad case of tuberculosis.

After graduating from high school, he went to college for two years, before dropping out. He married a preacher's daughter, and their vile priest roleplay inspired Robby to become a man of god. His first attempt at setting up a congregation consisted of him screaming at 3000 people seated on folding chairs in a tent. Really this was just a clever ruse to cover up his frequent drug induced psychotic episodes, which was so successful that it became the coping mechanism of choice for sick fucks, weirdos, pedophiles, rapists, drug addicts, and Jews for the next fifty years.

The Rise to Power and Perversity

File:Roberts as a young man.jpg
Say what you will about the man, he has a world class pedosmile

His insane rantings were so hilarious to watch that network executives soon approached him about creating a comedy show. Unfortunately, the executives did not realize the fundamental truth of humanity; there are always fucks out there stupid enough to take this shit seriously. His show, originally titled "Blowjob Roberts One Hour of Happy Time, 15$" was a hit across many demographics, including stoned teenagers and retards in the south. Robby was still suffering from the psychotic delusion that he was doing God's work, and used all of the donations sent in to him from retards to spread God's Word. However, his Native American heritage would not be denied, and it grew more and more painful for him to just give up piles upon piles of money. Panicking, he turned to the Bible, opening it to a random page. He opened to Matthew 19:23

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

but in his coked up state, with his Indian genes working overtime, he thought god was telling him to do it faggot, and take all of the delicious Jew Gold for himself. Much relieved that he was finally being true to himself, he went out and bought a pimp mobile, and returned to the profession of his childhood, determined to finally be on the right side of the penis and/or strapon this time. Of course being a fucking idiot, he failed many, many, times.

Fame and Fortune

Roberts' hospital, where he was told by god he would cure cancer. Now a CityPlex building.
File:Oral roberts handjob monument.jpg
Although best known for his namesake talent, Roberts had a deep and abiding respect for manual release.

After his revelation he began preaching a new gospel, its tenants were that God wants us to be as rich and greedy as Jews, we should all crowd into big tents for revival meetings, and faith healing by laying on of hands. Unknowingly, Skullfuck had discovered an incredible niche, telling people to do the things they wanted to do anyway, but telling them God wanted to do it, while simultaneous repressing their homosexuality by oppressing gays. Rob was at the height of his life, he had discovered a way to make people think they were going to hell unless they gave him all of their money and crowded into big tents where he could heal them and their children. By his own admission, he personally laid hands on more than 2 million people. Expanding upon his success, he even founded a university where he could train people to be more receptive to his sexual advances. Students were required to sign a document forbidding them from smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and engaging in premarital sex. This left all of the liquor, booze, and drugs, to him and ensured that he had a ready crop of horny and desperate co-eds to fuck. Years later, Skullfuck's shithead crotchspawn would continue their father's tradition of greed and perversion by misappropriating publicly donated university funds for obviously noneducational shit like remodeling their mansion 11 times in 14 years [1], private sex tourism vacations to the Bahamas [2], a stable of horses for their own personal use, and arranging so many booty calls with horny underage boys that Skullfuck's own granddaughter had to install deadbolts on her bedroom door (again, using university funds) for fear of losing her virginity to the rampant overflow of frustrated and horny young men streaming out of her mom's sex dungeon[3] whenever the KY ran out.

Despite being perpetually high, the poverty-stricken Indian inside of Skullfuck was still sane enough to realize that his money train had to keep moving to keep up with the nonstop flow of drugs and booze. With the rampant purchases of drugs, designer clothes, bling, rape-vans, and luxury homes with specially constructed rape-dungeons even a masterful orator like Skullfuck was running out of excuse to justify his spending habits to a growing audience of mostly poor white trash who failed to realize that giving away their money to a scamming druggie full of empty promises will not make them rich. Skullfuck himself was especially sensitive to allegations of wealthy excesses, and took to hiring people to photoshop out the numerous gold chains, rings, and watches which were now fused to his syphilis-scarred body from various publications and photo ops[4].

With more money came more and more powerful drugs, and Skullfuck began to loose what little touch with reality he had. He claimed a 900 foot tall Jesus, told him to build a hospital which would become a great financial success. This hospital allowed Oral even greater access to medical-grade pharmaceuticals, as well as giving him an opportunity to explore his cripple fetish. This hospital became a miserable failure, and Jesus lolled mightily at his greatest prank since convincing those 12 idiots he had died and risen again. Further controversy arose when his son claimed to have seen him raise a child from the dead. What his son didn't know is that he actually saw his father using CPR to revive a child that he had sexed too roughly. Facing financial disaster, Rob pioneered many popular cam-whoring techinques. In 1987, he performed the first "I'm so depressed, donations or I'll kill myself" scam, when he said that unless he raised 8 million dollars god would "call him home".

Downfall and Death

Roberts nearing death. The creepy smile is due to a combination of heroin and the ministrations of a small boy offscreen

Finally convinced that he had had milked the lolcow dry, God decided it was time for the endgame. Even southern retards began to resent his fiduciary misconduct, and decided to find a new pervert to grope their children, as Robby was getting so old that it was creepy. Facing dropping revenues, Skullfuck decided to retire from religion. However, the all-cruel god was not done with him yet. First he struck down his wife with pneumonia, and then killed his daughter in a plane crash. To finish off with a bang, he made Oral's son shoot himself in the face after being ordered by a court to undergo drug-counseling, as his son had been taking drugs for years to supress some of the horrible things he had seen his father do. Finally, God sent Pedobear down to harvest the old man's soul. As Pedobear descended through the ceiling, he saw Roberts, in nothing but a pair of yellow stained tighty whities, laying on a filthy, shit-stained mattress, shooting heroin into his penis, all his other veins having long ago collapsed. As Pedobear cradled Oral in his soft, furry arms, Roberts whispered his final words as the syringe slipped from his fingers. "I did it all for the lulz". The moral of this story is that God is the greatest troll known to man.

Here is Howard Stern telling the truth about him:

From the Mouth of the Devil Himself

   
 
I had to stop and go back in the crowd and raise the dead person so I could go ahead with the service.
 

 
 

—he raises the dead, for a fee

   
 
Unless I raise $8 million by next March, God will call me home.
 

 
 

—The phone lines are open.

   
 
Only one organ made to bring forth life—it's the male organ. It's not in lesbianism for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It's not in the male where the male organ goes into the part of the, of the body where the, the waste matter comes out of the body, the poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It's not to be put into the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman on the male organ! It is the male organ penetrating the vagina of the woman—the male and the female!...
 

 
 

—H8r

SERIOUS EDITOR'S NOTE Now I bet some of you were thinking, all that shit about bestiality and other faggotry gotta be made up right? After listening to Oral's own words on sex, especially with the parts about cows going at it, how it TASTES GOOD and joking about being a gueerfag and trying to edit the tape, suddenly, it's all starting to make sense amiright? I wish I was making this shit up!!! FRIVOLOUS EDITOR'S NOTE Did you notice how much he sounds like Bill Cosby on crack?


External Links

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Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
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