Orson Scott Card

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search


Lookin' dandy there Orson.


Enter Orson Scott Card, a Mormon americunt who also happens to be a writer of crap novels, writer of crap videogames, and the inspiration for everything fail in the universe. Halo? That's his fault. Card is also among the good members of the National Organization for Marriage. Nobody actually knows what he does for NOM, but paranoid bloggers are convinced he's funneling all his profits into a giant gay mincer.

Did I mention his ancestors founded the first Canadian Mormon settlement, and the he claims to be directly related to the Mormon Jesus?

He is well known for his love and respect for gay people, and his sympathetic depictions of gay relationships in his novels. However, he doesn't support ghey marriage, and this makes him a Nazi who must die.

At least 100 years ago


Orson Scott Card first broke out of his cocoon in Richland, Washington, were he lived his early life as a Mormon zergling with his Hydralisks. They would move to Santa Clara, eventually ending up in Utah. Later he served as a missionary for the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and eventually he sucked his way up to graduation from the Brigham Young University and the University of Utah, and he also spent a whole year at the University of Notre Dame, a private Catholic university in Australia, but eventually failed it. This is at least a bit ironic since the catholic church has condemned the Mormons' incestuous, pedophiliac orgies many times in the last few years.


It doesn't take much imagination to realize why a Mormon would fail so hard on a university with such a background.

Early Life as a Writer

Orson began his writing career as a poet, studying with his BFF Clinton F. Larson at the Brigham Young University. While he was majoring in theatre, he began adapting works of fiction for theatre productions, because he couldn't write shit by himself (and probably still can't), eventually accumulating enough copypasta to write his own, one act play. At the same time, he began experimenting with writing fiction, which would later lead to the creation of some shit nobody cares about.

After returning from his LDS mission in Brazil, converting lots of young shota meat to his cult, for use in rituals, he created the Utah Valley Repertory Theatre Company. He managed to acquire some old building behind a mental hospital, were they performed to the audience. This was a very clever manuoever of him, because who else would watch a play written by a Mormon, other then people who have a few brain cells missing or are a bit off the normal mental health scale? Maybe you.

In 1976, he secured employment as an assistant editor at the Church's official magazine and moved to the Mormon Mecca.

While working on the magazine, he also published his first work of fiction, but no one noticed because anyone who reads a magazine about religion is so used to fictional bullshit that they don't see the difference anymore.


Ender's Game

Ender's Game is actually two novels mashed into one like something out of gender-bending My Little Pony Rule34. The first is about Ender, who is groomed into being Space Hannibal. The second is about his two siblings, Valentine and Peter Wiggins, who go on 4chan and change the world via samefagging. Peter loves to kill squirrels, and Valentine wants to have sweet, sweet, incest with Ender.

The book is set in Earth's future, apparently the brave forces of the imperium of man have been throughly pwned by a an insectoid alience race known as "the buggers". In preparation for an anticipated third invasion, some foreign school has created a program to train children into able fleet commanders. The world's most talented children, including the novel's protagonist, "Third Child" Ender Wiggin, are taken at a very young age to a training facility in the middle of nowhere known as the battle school. There, they are trained by their teachers in the arts of war through increasingly difficult games including ones undertaken in zero gravity in the Battle Room where Ender's tactical genius is revealed.

Ender is tricked into exterminating billions of buggers, and he gets butthurt when he discovers this, despite the fact he could have easily googled the twist ending. But it's all okay because in an astonishing twist he discovers the last bugger queen who forgives him, and decides to cart her around the galaxy to find a planet where she can raise an army to pwn and raep the local wildlife. But not humans, because the buggers totally didn't realise that humans had feelings when they were raeping them. Now they know that humans get butthurt, they promised never to do it again.

Apparently, according to some distinguished individuals, Ender--despite being tricked into carrying out genocide, framed for crimes he didn't commit, and exiled to outer space for all eternity where he seeks to atone for the sins of humanity--is Space Hitler. Because Hitler was totally tricked into wiping out the Jews and spent every moment after in sorrow, haunted by his actions.

The book has over 9000 sequels, most of which involve an adult Ender travelling through space and time just like the Doctor, righting wrongs and telling people we shouldn't try to force our moral standards onto alien races.

The series was later recycled heavily into that pile of shit known as Evangelion.

After years of fucking around, Ender's Game is finally getting a movie adaptation. One which has almost nothing from the novel in it, adds romance and shit, and replaces the deep ethical conflicts with bullshit.

Hamlet's Father

A novella nobody has read, which has no gay characters, but which some fucktard critic nobody has ever heard of decided was an attempt to depict all faggots as child molesters. Said critic's butthurt touched all corners of the internet inappropriately.

Superman

When it was announced that Orson Scott Card was plotting a Superman comic together with his writer butt-buddy Aaron Johnston, a butthurt minority did what they did best - circle jerked in impotent rage. Most of them were too stupid to understand that the guy who plots a story and the guy who writes the story are entirely different people. Most of them didn't even LIKE Superman. They just objected to some guy they had no idea was a Democrat, a centralist, and a COMMUNIST writing him.

Some of them also went of Tumblr-grade rants about how Card was going to kill all the gays in Metropolis, and\or make Superman a Mormon. Attempting to reason with these fuckers by citing OSC's history of sympathetic gay characters in his novels was met with BAAAAWING and denial.

Before long, the artist hired to draw the comic realised how much he hated the DC comics fanbase and decided to bow out. At the time of writing, Orson Scott Card is busy counting his money and Aaron Johnston is mostly being ignored and tweeting about how he hopes DC hire a new artist soon.

Which is never gonna happen because nobody gives a shit about Superman.

Videogames

Besides writing novels, Orson Scott Card was addicted to videogames back in the 90's and wrote dialogue and crap for a few of them. They all suck because they deal with bullshit philosophical themes and don't have enough space marines.

Probes... *snigger*

He ended up becoming addicted to videogames, and had to stop playing them, claiming that they were destroying his life. The truth is that he totally sucked at them.

[His sob story can be found here.]

Biofag and Bungie went on to steal ideas from his books to create the Rachni, Cortana, the Grunts, and a whole bunch of shit nobody cares about because nobody gives a shit about Halo or Mass Effect.

Religion

Mormons <3 loli.

As it has been mentioned over 9000 times already, Orson Scott Card is a Mormon, but not any kind of Mormon. He claims to be descended from the founders of the Mormon church itself, despite the fact there being no visible evidence of such thing.

This is only laughable, because who would go as far as lying just to say he descends from a fat, greasy, shit ridden, Jew archeologist who claimed to the scientific community to have found magical relics?

Card is also criticised by his Mormon peers for writing science fiction, which is kinda ironic, because everyone knows that Mormonism ripped off Battlestar Galactica.

Being a Mormon makes Orson Scott Card company with that fucking asswipe who wrote Twilight, that guy from the Killers, Don Bluth - who made all those suck-ass cartoons about a Jewish rat, and Jon Heder, who played that squinty douche Napoleon Dynamite.

Orson Scott Card has previously gotten in trouble with his Mormon lords and masters for portraying homosexuals as decent human beings in his novels, and writing essays about how Mormons shouldn't treat them like dirt.

On Homosexuality

   
 
I have no interest in criminalizing homosexual acts and would never call for such a thing, any more than I wanted such laws enforced back when they were still on the books.
 

 
 

—Orson Scott Card, at his most hateful.


   
 
Let me say first that I consider Scott a close friend; the time we don’t have together physically, we make up through the heart. If I had to lean on someone, or needed an ear, I would think of him. And if you’ve read my autobiography, you’ll know that in a time of great trouble, he was very, very, good to me. By the way, the gay community was nowhere to be seen when I was at my lowest. Scott has never treated my relationship, or my partner, with anything but the utmost respect. We’ve been welcomed into his home, invited to his childrens’ weddings, sent announcements of births and deaths – all to both of us, as a family unit. His children regard us as a family unit, and I’ve never heard or felt the slightest breath of censure from any one of them.
 

 
 

—Janis Ian, lesbian traitor on OSC. KILL THEM BOTH.


On The Internet

Unsurprisingly, like other science fiction writers, Orson Scott Card is also involved in a fair amount of internet drama, including, but not limited to, youtube faggotry:

Orson, seen here talking about a contest created by L Ron Hubbard to help young writers publish their works.


Talking about his book for your viewing pleasure


Talking about a boring sequel for a saga he hasn't touched for 10 years.


The interbutts is not only the place where his critics and ex-fans express their feelings for his work, but also were his colleagues describe his true nature, which usually involves talking about how nice he is to them when he disagrees with them and how he doesn't push his religion onto them. Seriously.

His Political Views

   
 
Me, I prefer democracy - even if it means letting dumb people like me have our say - and our votes. Studies have shown that when you let dumb people vote, it works out way better than letting experts make all the political decisions.
 

 
 

—Orson Scott Card is a dumb asswipe who doesn't realise no self respecting Democrat approves of democracy when it disagrees with them.

Orson Scott Card is a centralist communitarian Democrat who hates the right wing, hates the left wing, thinks the GOP are racist, thinks Obama is a loser, hates capitalism, and loves democracy. Naturally this goes right over the head of the average fucktard who thinks that "DERP! NOT LIKES SAME SEX MARRIAGE! MUST BE REPUBLICAN RIGHT WING TEABAGGER!"

While it is redundant to say an American has retarded political views, Orson Scott Card is the unquestionable winrar when it comes to expressing them in a unique, batshit insane fashion. Not only that, but demonstrating his great generosity, he makes sure to write long articles detailing his brilliant views on subjects such as:

Obama spits on the constitution. [1]

How Palin has teh smartz and is being persecuted by stupid people. Read this shit, seriously. [2]

How Amurkkka is HONOUR BOUND to save jews by shooting some Iraqis dead. [3]

Notable quotes include:

   
 
When I was a kid in California -- when that state had the finest public schools in the world -- that's precisely what I was taught. And the goal of the teaching of history in those days was to turn out informed citizens who knew how we came to be the nation we are today.

But there are a lot of other people -- including the entire educational establishment of our state (and almost every other state as well!) -- that thinks the reason our public-school history teaching is lousy is because we spend way too much time on all that early stuff that nobody cares about anymore, and don't do enough to give our kids the full array of politically correct opinions. As long as a single child grows up to vote Republican, these educators feel that they have failed.
 


 
 

—On how american children are educated stupid!

   
 
I'm still in the midst of reading Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue. I have been angry for more than a year now about the way she has been, and continues to be, savaged by the liberal media. She has done nothing to warrant this treatment. If she had been a Democrat with the identical record of achievements, she would be celebrated as one of the heroes of the Left.

Her only crime was that when she was chosen as McCain's running mate, their poll numbers shot up fast and far enough that the Left realized she might actually be the thing that beat Obama! Therefore she had to be destroyed.
 


 
 

— Its a conspiracy!!1

   
 
She is not my dream candidate for president. I'm hoping for somebody better. So I don't enter her book as a partisan of hers. She has my sympathy as a victim, but not my support as a candidate or my agreement on any but a handful of issues.

So I'm not going to review her book. Instead, I'm going to refer you to a review written by someone I had assumed would despise her.
 


 
 

— This is how Orson Scott Card writes articles.

   
 
But there is one nation honor bound to intervene -- in any way necessary, including devastating military force -- to save Israel. Raise your hands if you think I'm referring to the United States of America.

Get those hands up, boys and girls. The only people who think we are not honor bound are those who have no idea what "honor" is -- or, knowing, do not aspire to have any.
 


 
 

— Wait, what?

As you can see, Orson Scott Card is cearly a balanced, moderate and intelligent writer. And to think some people still take him seriously.

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External Links