Osama bin Laden
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Shaykh Osama bin Laden☪ was America's sockpuppet and a rich Saudi Arabian expatriate, best known for his involvement in the Jewish Attacks on the World Trade Center 2001. While Israel, the JSA, and several other rogue nations push a view of him as the devil incarnate or as a Hitler 2.0, the majority of the world's people regard bin Laden as a just and righteous man that died a hero.
Osama was born in 1957 to a wealthy non-religious family of Jew origin. As a boy and young man, he lived the perfect rich kid's jet-set lifestyle, skiing at St. Moritz, bodysurfing at Biarritz, buying lots of rock & roll records (he LOVED Pink Floyd, and used to play Dark Side of the Moon with his Sitar for hours on end), and generally had a really good time. Young Osama even had a little rock band with his brothers, in which he played the bass. Like most other good-looking rich kids of the day, Osama occasionally smoked some pot, took a little acid, and balled a few hot chicks, mostly of the Spanish persuasion.
Osama partied easily through his school years, not really sure what he wanted to do with his life. At 18 he backpacked and hitch-hiked his way around the US for a summer, visited some family friends in Texas, and then decided that he might as well just go into his family's business of big international construction projects. He buckled down for a couple of years and took a degree in engineering at a big Saudi Arabian university.
Just after Osama's 1979 graduation, however, his father died unexpectedly in a helicopter crash at the age of 84. This wasn't such a big deal to Osama, for as the youngest of the man's 27 children by three wives, he barely knew the guy. The cool thing was that Osama inherited a shitload of money. Something else, though, was that he began to wonder whether he was really cut out for a career as a construction dude. Yes, he would get to travel a lot, stay in nice hotels, have a ton of girlfriends, throw a lot of big parties, and the cocaine would be flowing freely. The truth was, though, that Osama was tired of all that nonsense; it was boring to him by now. Not only that, but most people in the construction industry are meat-heads. He thought back to his time hitchhiking around the U.S., and felt nostalgic for the freedom he had felt in the great outdoors, camping out under the beautiful moon and stars.
He lined up a couple of big contracts anyway, and was just starting to build a new highway tunnel in East Germany, when Soviet Russia invaded Afghanistan. Osama hardly noticed at first; he was not really into politics, and probably couldn't even have found Afghanistan on the map. Soon, however, Communist East German television was broadcasting news of the glorious and heroic Soviet victories, how they were wiping out lots of filthy, backward Muslim villages, and preparing to upgrade and modernize one of the world's most primitive remaining Mozzie shit-holes.
Watching TV alone one night in the bleak East Berlin hotel room, something about this made Osama feel a bit pissed off. For one thing, he noticed that the girls of Afghanistan were exceptionally hawt. The fucking Russians were clumsily blowing shit up everywhere, executing all the men, and raping the Afghan cuties to death. Also, the whole thing just seemed really unfair and rude, and Osama had always hated the dumb Russians anyway. He bailed on the construction job, called up a few college buddies to see if they were up for some adventure, took a bunch of cash out of the bank, and together they made their way to Afghanistan. Before too long Osama was buying huge amounts of weaponry and military hardware and helping to organize an Afghan resistance to the Communist thugs who were ruining everything in sight like Neanderthals on crack.
As it was the middle of the Cold War, America's President Reagan was also very freaked out by the Russian invasion. He sent the CIA to check things out and they noticed this tall Arab guy who seemed to have lots of money and good people skills. America wanted to help this Afghan resistance too so they told Osama, and wondered if he would consider helping coordinate the U.S. efforts? Naturally, he was pleased to help. This Russian-fighting was the most fun he'd had in years, or maybe ever. The ragamuffin Afghan resistance was still extremely busted, but now they called themselves the Mujahideen. With the CIA's financial backing (as part of its "plausible deniability" Iran-Contra scheme), and Osama's natural strategic abilities, they actually began to kick Soviet ass. Osama asked the CIA to deliver a huge number of Stinger missiles for shooting down Soviet warplanes. Indeed, Osama's training as an
dentist engineer came in very handy, as he worked with the CIA in building the Khost tunnel complex in the Tora Bora hills.
American media was filled with glowing reports of these brave Mujahideen and the tall Arab guy who was leading them. It was like a game of Cowboys & Indians with perpetually drunken lobotomized robots as the cowboys, and raggedy-ass, half-crazy but relentless Afghans as the Indians. Finally, the Soviets got tired of having their helicopters shot down every five minutes, and returned to Soviet Russia.
So Osama took it easy for a little while and settled down. He was loving Afghanistan life; he had several incredibly sexy wives; the people loved him; he even got religion! Life had been rough sometimes in the past few years, but it sure beat the boredom of building freeways and bridges. But then in 1991 the U.S.A. shipped half a million soldiers to the Arabian peninsula, home of Islam's sacred Ka'aba shrine, in order to protect faggoty little Kuwait from mean old Saddam.
Suddenly, all these brave soldiers from California to Kentucky were now sight-seeing the holiest places on Earth. Here they built permanent air force and army bases and brought their religion with them: McDonald's, KFC, Starbucks and other American cathedrals were rapidly constructed everywhere. Osama went to visit his cousins in the Saudi royal family to tell them to knock this shit off and kick those morons out but there were other forces at work as well. The first George Bush as the U.S. President used his many interconnected business and personal relationships with the Saudi royal family to smooth the way in order to get whatever it was he wanted.
Naturally, Osama called bullshit on this. He remarked, "You know what? Fuck America; fuck you and the carpet you flew in on." and hit the road for a while.
Return to Afghanistan
After Osama got lonely riding on his carpet, he decided to go visit good old Afghanistan again to check up on his buddy's in Afghanistan and see how life was. It turned out that most of his new buddy's joined a group called the Talibanies and they had control of over half of Afghanistan. The problem that his old buddies faced was that they could not capture the capital of Kabul due to his old C.I.A friends helping the Zionist government. Naturally feeling betrayed by the USA, Osama agreed to help the Talibanies for their conquest of Kabul by giving the Talibanies $20,000,000 and a few SCUD missiles he had gotten from his former C.I.A friends. Thanks to Osama, the Talibanies were able to take down the C.I.A backed government and as a token of gratitude, he was named the Prime Minister of Afghanistan, offered 70 virgin wives, got a pimped out mansion and was allowed to bring his Al-Qaeda group from Africa to Afghanistan. Life was once again good for Osama.
Public Enemy #1
The New World Order was not amused at this tantrum, and immediately perma-banned Osama 4 lyf. All his old European and American friends were acting like they never met him. It was a real betrayal by his old family friends the Bushes, but he already knew this about their weak and shifting family character. Soon the United States and Israel were blaming Osama for virtually every bad thing that happened anywhere, especially the vicious and murderous things that they themselves were doing. The ever-growing list of his supposed evil deeds grew increasingly laughable. Throughout the '90s, various countries kept trying to shoot rockets at his home, spy on him with flying robots, have sardine pizzas delivered at 3 AM, and other methods of harassment and attempted murder. It was really fucking annoying.
Then came 9/11
Part of the Jewish 9/11 conspiracy planning was to blame Osama and his sinister, shadowy, "Al Qaeda" group of friends, which in truth amounted to a few old pals from the anti-Soviet days, but which was assigned by the U.S.A. to every Arab in the world with a BB gun or a manifesto. Osama was quick to say that he had nothing to do with 9/11.
The U.S.A. started to act all butthurt about "being attacked", declared its "War on Terror," and began to bomb the shit out of Afghanistan, in the hope that one of the bombs would blow up Osama. None of them did. American soldiers ran around in circles, catching various parasitic diseases from the unfamiliar landscape, shooting their fellow soldiers, dropping bombs on Canadian soldiers, bombarding thousands of peasants and their villages into dust, kidnapping 75 year old taxi-cab drivers and goatse farmers and sending them to Guantanamo Bay, and generally fucking up everything they touched like a million-man King Midas of FAIL. Meanwhile, Osama and his friends slipped away through the very Khost tunnels that the CIA had paid him to build.
In view of the U.S.A.'s failure to capture Osama, they released a poorly-faked video in 2004 that showed a guy who vaguely resembled him bragging about what a good job the 19 hijackers supposedly did. Proudly released by the Pentagon, and making its debut on Faux News, the video was such an obvious fake that only the Americunt public was deceived by it. Sending propaganda in the other direction, some of Osama's friends started spreading rumors that he had died, or at least was extremely ill. The funniest rumor was that the cops on the Israeli side of the Israel-Jordan border had allowed him into Israel as a passenger in an ordinary car, not realizing who he was, and that he was hiding out somewhere in Israel. In reality, Osama had a beautiful and comfortable home in the Pamir mountain range of the Paki borderlands, with a magnificent view, satellite TV, an indoor swimming pool, and all the other mod-cons of millionaire life. He was practically worshiped by billions of people for his righteous guerrilla history, his tough stand against aggressors, his deep spirituality, and his Jew good looks.
On May 2, 2011 Osama's fun game of hide and seek finally came to an end. Osama had been hanging out with his friends the Pakistanis in one of their mansions just outside a place called Islamabad, called Abbottabad. What exactly he was doing there is unclear as of yet, but the most likely explanation is that he was about to release irrefutable proof that Jews did WTC to the public. Obviously the powers that be had exact tracking on his location since several years, but decided to not act on this information deliberatly, because Osama inflicted a considerable, and more importantly easily exploitable amount of Angst in the general populace, thus rendering him more important alive than dead. Naturally, this changed when he threatened to reveal the true culprits behind 9/11. In order to achieve this, Obama ordered special forces be deployed to kill him and any witnesses present (2 men and a woman made the mistake to be with him). Despite the fact this constitutes an act of war against the sovereign state of Pakistan, his actions were met with much praise by the Jews and the Americans. The moment Faux news interrupted their usual right-wing fascists program and Obama informed the nation of Osamas death, there was much celebration. In DC shouts of "USA! USA!" could be heard and the hoodwinked NYC populace threw a celebratory blowjob party for their firemen while whooping and hanging from flag coated lampposts like a tribe fresh out of the jungle While feeds of social networking sites were spammed with the same repetitive bullshit as everyone revelled in happiness. Scientists estimate that the last time comparable ecstasy overcame a similar amount of people because someone died was when the Jews offed Jesus.
The thousands of wasted lives and the trillions of dollars spent on useless agencies, wars and 'Mission accomplished' banners , looking for this one single guy, finally meant something after 10 fucking years. As of now, the Pakistani government is still debating on whether to declare war on America or not for violating their sovereignity.
The abject fail displayed in properly, or even slightly, trying to investigate the truth of this matter insofar is both severely depressing and utterly predictable. All evidence torched, corpse in the ocean and no Weekend at Bernie's style video?! As if that level of respect would have been afforded him, remember these are Yank soldiers we're talking about.
From bombed, to strafed with helicopter fire, to died in a helicopter crash landing, to shot twice in the head plus his human shield, to shot once in the head and once in the side with no human shield. 'Reliable' and 'accurate' sources as to how Mr Laden met his demise abound.
With a waiting public ready to suck the cum clean out of his balls there and then, the American Dark Overlord swept onto stage, shot his KFC tainted load down the eager gullets of the easily fooled masses and then proceeded to IRL ban his gore collection and outright refused to seed torrents. This is an ongoing source of rage and faggotry to some leading to asshatted arguments, opinions and resolutions to the issue.
My name is Osama, and I’m laughing at every single one of you. All of you are broke, paranoid, no-lifes who spend every second of their day wondering what happened to their country. As a superpower, you are finished in the world. Honestly, do any of you even produce anything anymore? I mean, I guess it's fun just letting the Chinese make everything, but they’re halfway to owning your economy by now. This is even worse than if the Russians had kicked your ass.
Don't get me wrong. You did hit me, and it was a great shot. I've pretty much won, though. I’ve led your country to Middle East-style secret police surveillance, and Middle East-style fundamentalism. Where are you respected any more, other than in Saudi Arabia? The rest of the Middle East went straight to democracy on its own, so your only girlfriends left there are the Saudis (they’re just like your new Tea Party; Shit is SO cash). You are all fucked, and you should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and one of my 72 bitches
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• Robert Hawkins
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