Paganism:1

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Paganism:1

A free unmoderated chat room provided by Yahoo!, Paganism:1 features the scourge of the internet doing exactly what they do best: making other people miserable, bitching about imaginary injustices, and pretending they aren't hideous hose beasts.

History

For the past six years, this chatroom has been the lifeblood of a group of overweight and underemployed "pagans" who have formed a dysfunctional family, complete with intermarriages and deaths. Many come and go, but the core group of regular chatters, known as "regs", run a tight police state of one-upmanship and threats that range from frying another's computer to violent death. The topic of discussion rarely involves paganism, instead consisting of clique wars, sexual innuendo and incredulous lying. On a more positive note, brave historians have recently discovered that the first otherkin was spawned from from the puddle of fail which is Paganism:1

Hierarchy

The hierarchy that keeps this shameful group of chromosome-defunct chatters afloat and well-led consists of a drug-addled Yenta, a bullying fat Midwesterner and his child bride with a black eye, a white Native American, an embittered middle-aged skank, a trailer-bound obese single mother, a guy who has fucked every woman in there, a viking, a baby-snatching gypsy meth head, a toothless neocon, three pagan geeks who know everything, and a horribly spiteful gay man. There is also a colorful cornucopia of various toadys, posers and coat-tail riders who live painfully sad lives vicariously through these chatroom champions.

Melodrama

Over the course of several years, the participants of this room have single-handedly driven up the US welfare budget while simultaneously lowering the IQ of anyone who visits. The drama that these individuals stir up is so vast and varied that it boggles the mind to consider the lunacy. Here are some examples of the storylines that have held the rapt attention of Paganism:1 viewers over the years:

  • Pregnancies from couples who have never met;
  • Spontaneous abortions from said pregnancies (sometimes while in chat);
  • Online pagan marriage ceremonies between couples who have never met;
  • Online pagan spells cast against offenders to aforementioned regs;
  • Murder-for-hire schemes for the worst offenses;
  • Extramarital affairs between two chatters;
  • Suicides that stem from said extra-marital affairs;
  • Suicide threats for attention, love, money or sex;
  • False claims of marriage, wealth and family;
  • Stalking, both online and off; including posting real names and addresses;
  • Parody websites created to mock regular chatters; and
  • Child abandonment to pursue online relationships

There are also a wide variety of lies that are told and believed. These include falsified marital, income and gender status, phony profile pictures to hide gross obesity, phony lines of heritage and historical importance, and faked secular beliefs and education. If you were to believe everything you heard in Paganism:1, you'd find yourself chatting with the most brilliantly gifted and beautiful group of people in the world, all of whom hold PhDs and can be credited with some of the most astounding events in modern history. There are women who were battle-torn American triage nurses in Vietnam at the age of 15. There are direct descendants of King Arthur. There are secret holders of blood oaths taken atop Romanian mountainsides. They are the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. Oh, and they are all really great in bed, too.

The dismal truth

The truth about Paganism:1 is that they are the same group of people who you picked on in high school, only they've grown up to be the same group of people you pick on while accepting a shopping cart from them at the entrance of Wal-Mart. They are life's underachievers, yet feel a smug sense of authority if they can shut themselves away from the world at night and wish bad things upon you while staring at a lit candle through the smoke of cheap incense. In their mind's eye, they look like the cast of characters in a Whitesnake video, and feel like an otherworldly warrior if they have a decorative sword from the Franklin Mint on display above their collection of Budweiser limited edition NASCAR cans. They shirk responsibility and refuse to try furthering their own lives through hard work and accomplishment, believing instead that they may bend the will of the universe to attain higher footing in life. And when they're not spinning their tales of glory and magic, they're preparing your Double Whopper.

P1 Chatters at their best

See also

For members of Paganism:3, (you might know them as The Taskforce who vandalized ED after cuveen made an article about one of their gayest members) see the following articles.

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