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A modern and vibrant city
Perth in relation to the rest of the world

Perth is a city in the middle of fucking nowhere (or as the Australians themselves say, "bum fuck nowhere") on the beach in Western Australia. It is one of only seven or eight civilized settlements on the huge and dangerous desert continent, and is internationally known as "The Land of Fires, Floods and Flies." Each year, the majority of Australia's buzzing set take their holiday from the endless deserts and descend upon Perth. It is ruled by King [[1]] and is a principality of New England.

In the 21st century, Perth is a place so lovely that its native sons and daughters who live for any long-ish period in other parts of the world frequently die of homesickness, or become so homesick that they kill themselves. Scientists and doctors worldwide are baffled by this phenomena, as Perth is a regular contender for MOST BORING PLACE TO LIVE EVAR.


Perth was founded in the 19th century by convicts who had been exiled in disgrace from the convict colonies of Sydney and Melbourne, on the opposite side of the country. Back in those days it was known as the Bong River colony, ruled by the dictator John Forrest.

1933, Perth citizens had an opportunity to go to war with the rest of Australia. They didn't--and now they are forever CANBERRA's BITCH.

In 1984, Perth constructed its first power plant, supplying the local electricity needs. Previously electricity had to be shipped in from Singapore and sold at high costs to consumers.

1987 was an important year for Perth (and more importantly Fremantle) when convicted drug dealer Alan Bond paid the worlds Cartographers to include both towns on all future maps.


Perth is made up of various peoples, from bogans to yobbos. Lucky for you Perth is too far away for them to be of any concern to the rest of the world. Not to say that they won't rape and murder you if you make eye contact. Perth people are also IRL newbs, or poobs. Any music that doesn't sound like Aye-See-Dick-See is automatically branded as techno. Jazz is techno too and so is classical.

In Perth you can enjoy a unique lifestyle where your amputated left arm, right leg and your firstborn child can be traded for a pint of cat urine a.k.a. domestic beer and one weeks rent in an apartment nearly 1% bigger then a jail cell. Cardboard boxes don't come cheap these days and thus require renovation. Perth is also home to the friendliest Aboriginal who pimp your ride by smashing all your car windows in return for stealing your shit.

Famous people from Perth include Snapesnogger, The Joker, and the Claremont Serial Killer, a "true legend" (in local colliquial terms) who butchered a bunch of strippers and has still evaded capture. This can be explained by Perth's strong convict stock of murderous masterminds and half-arsed police force who plan on quitting when CCTV technology finally arrives to Perth via Londonistan.

Perth's top cultural moment of the decade
How Perthites deal with their friendly police

Geography and Climate

The climate of Perth is delightful

It rains 13 months a year in Perth, and the average temperature is -33 degrees. Travelers are encouraged to pack clothing suitable for arctic climates, and a snow-mobile is also useful in the winter months.

Perth is situated on the Bong River, an open sewer which runs from the Swan Brewery in Canning Vale to Little Creatures Brewery in Fremantle.


The most common sport in Perth is Australian Football, or Foody, as it is known in the local dialect. Perth has a team in the national competition called the West Coke Eagles, who get buthurt by their main rivals the Freo Dongers.

Places to Visit

The Northbridge entertainment district is a great place for tourists to visit after hours, and offers many activities including: Street Fights, Binge Drinking, and Rape.

other places of interest include:

  • Balga
  • Rockingham
  • Kwinana
  • Bayswater
  • Lockridge
  • Graylands Mental Hospital

Places to avoid

  • Fremantle.
  • Claremont (if you're a fat blonde chick).
  • Casurina Prison.
  • Perth.

Notable residents

How to troll a Perth Newb (PooB)


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Just another British fucking colony...


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