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Philippines
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The Republic of the Failippines, also known as Pedo Heaven, Nannyland or Loli Land, is a nation of some 9,001 islands located in the Pacific Ocean, not far from China. The people of the Philippines, known as Filipinos (aka Flips), are best known for their overseas service as cafeteria personnel, mini-mart clerks, hotel maids, and transvestite prostitutes in countries around the world. The Philippines itself is a hotspot for gold diggers and pedophilia, as well as for a few Azn "Al Qaeda" wannabes who have "taken over" some small villages on one of the islands. It is also the world's largest exporter of large yellow-ish envelopes, known everywhere as "Manila envelopes."
History
The Philippine Islands (AKA Philipenis Islands) were discovered in 1521 by Portugese/Spanish explorer Ferdinand Magellan, who was taking his yacht on history's first round-the-world cruise. After dropping anchor near a scenic beach on the main island and going ashore for a look around, Magellan and his crew were surprised not to find any other humans. There were, however, great numbers of a curious and friendly ape species, which followed the explorers in their sight-seeing tour around the island. By the end of the first day, when Magellan and his men established a campsite and prepared for bed, quite a few of the female apes indicated a desire to cuddle under the covers with the men.
Naturally, these advances met with a mixed reception. In four years of hard sailing, most of the Spaniards were confirmed bachelors, and the notion of physical contact with females of any species was somewhat terrifying. Some of the men, however, still abide by the letter and spirit of Imperial Rome's ancient motto, "Quicumque Permoveo" ("Anything that Moves"), and since the female apes looked a bit better than some of the negresses they had seen in Africa, they were willing to give these bitches a hard time. In due course, after only a few weeks gestation, the female apes gave birth to a new, hybrid species of Filipino ape-human.
Other Spanish explorers followed. In 1898, however, the United States claimed the islands, since they were at war with Spain about an entirely different topic, Cuba, on the other side of the world, and realized that claiming the Philippines would completely baffle and confuse the Spaniards. When World War 2 came along, it was Japan's turn to invade and totally freak out the USA, first by forcing all the US soldiers to jog around the Bataan High School track 100 times in full gear (this is jokingly remembered on the History Channel as the "Bataan Death March"), and then by kicking their asses in an archery competition. The Philippines evokes bitter memories indeed for the US military, which can be considered extremely lulzy.
Not wanting to dwell on the past, the United States granted the Philippines a status somewhat like Puerto Rico in 1946.
Four hundred years of successful interbreeding with Spaniards, Chinese merchants, US military personnel and Japanese sex tourists has led to a race that is generally presentable in the human society but can not be considered attractive by any means. There are, as well, quite a few characteristics of Filipino culture that remind intelligent observers of their origins.
Language
The language of the Philippines is called Tagalog. Linguistically, Tagalog is a blend THE BASTARD CHILD of ancestral ape noises, Spanish and English. The typical Tagalog conversation sounds like barnyard chickens talking, with bits of European language mixed in for flavor. It is because of this "chicken" aspect that Tagalog is also known as "Buk-buk." Indeed, sometimes the Filipinos themselves are known as "Buk-buks" or even "Book-books." Philippine media, newspapers, television and even Philippine Wikipedia use this bizarre combination in an attempt to convey meaning. As employees, Filipinos are required to learn and use only the language of the host country, as use of the Tagalog language frequently irritates local dogs and cats, who switch into hunting mode when they hear it.
The most common greeting in Tagalog is "hi-ho, bangalongabingbang;" it can be broken down like so: "hi ho, bang a long a bing bang." Make sure that you enunciate this as much as possible, as if you were to speak it in a limp-tongued, slightly-nasally fashion, it would sound like everything else does in Tagalog, from "I sure wish that I had the class and shoe collection of Imelda Marcos" to "Don't you think you guys would be safer if we sent more Marines here?"
To increase the likelihood of being raped by white people, the usage of English language as a medium of instruction has been mandatory in schools at least 100 years ago. This was also done to turn all Filipinos into call center agents. This only proves true that you need to learn English to survive.
Religion
Because Spain owned the place for so long, nearly all Filipinos are Catholic. Like all nations with a Catholic majority Christmas is the biggest holiday of the year followed by Easter wherein the natives prepare all year for the Holy Week activities, of which the most important are re-enactments of the Crucifixion. Men carry huge crosses, whip themselves to a bloody pulp, and have themselves nailed to the cross. It a delightful and picturesque spectacle for the tourists, and is all in the spirit of family entertainment.
Cuisine
Filipino cuisine is an oxymoron. You never see any Filipino restaurants around the world except for a few to service the local Filipino communities. The reason is it's truly one of the worst foods on the planet. Maybe only Australian Aboriginals and some remote African tribes might eat worse shit than this. Filipino food typically uses the following spices and additives but not much else; sugar (lots), salt, vinegar, Soy sauce and MSG.
Surprisingly, most Filipino cuisine is very much as it was more than 400 years ago, before the first human contact. For example, one of the most important foods is called "balut," which is the unhatched, not quite fully-formed embryo of a duck, EATEN STRAIGHT from the egg. In pre-contact days, the native apes would eat the feathered embryo of any kind of bird, including seagull and pelican, but the recent focus on duck eggs is evidence of civilization's advance. Other delicacies include "pork in blood" (raw cubes of pork in congealed pig blood), "bagoong" (fermented, somewhat mouldy catfish, eaten raw with the fingers), and "black dog" (basically, if your pet black dog goes missing, go knock on the door of Mr. Macadangdang's house).
Shady EconomyIn the the shortest way to sum it up, think of this as the Asian version of Colombia but with less drugs. But for a more detailed look: Since most Filipinos still live like in the stone age and are intellectually checkmated by let's say...a 6 year old aspie, technical advancement and industrial development are impossible. Therefore, the country has specialized in Gold digging and generally being a heaven for pedophiles (reliable sources state, that at least 150% of Filipino children are involved in sex tourism). A typical sight in the Philippines are child sex camps, where innocent men, mainly from western Europe and North America, are forced to have sex with multiple underaged girls and then made to pay for it. Although local authorities claim to be investigating this case, the victims remain fundless and stripped of their basic human dignity due to the hours-long rape perpetrated by the minors. Recently, famous internet hero and pedohater, Chris Hansen, together with a UNESCO squad visited one of these infamous camps, taking the children out of the milieu. The minors were very happy to be jobless now and starving on the streets once again. But, in the bright side, the jobless children are given yet another chance to have money and at the same time entertain horny pedo tourists. Go see unlicensed bars and you' ll see. Its pedo haven at its finest. Distribution of videos depicting the minors raping the elderly men is forbidden, since it is UNESCO evidence, but can be still demanded here for free. Many internet dating websites are packed to the brim with fake scam profiles placed by Filipino scum who are very eager to link you to a shady camwhore site that will steal your credit card info, or beg you for money because they or their relatives are ill, etc. They will lie that they live near you, but they are too fucking retarded to hide their IP address when talking to you on MSN or Yahoo, so it's easy to sniff out the Filipino rodent stench. The internet would be a better place if the Philippines was completely IP banned.
Martial LoL years and the Great Shindig PartyIn September 21, 1972, president Ferdinand Marcos declared martial law in an effort to "save" the nation from whining and bitching left/right retards and students who had resorted to violence. It went well for the better during the first few months(like crime rate had dropped significantly), however its true color came out in the open as people accusing Marcos of winning and power-grabbing were sent to President Marcos also pwned all companies belonging to the opposition and gave them to his money-sucking leeches called jabronies, whom they loved to give curry favors to the prez in exchange for hard sex. Marcos also fucked up the economy under Mount Everest-esque debt and his Dinero were transferred to Sweetzerland using different names. It seemed that everything was fine on the next 11 years of cocksucking, not until his exiled arch-enemy Benigno "Ninoy" Aquino, Jr. decided to go back to the Philippines to tell the dictator to GTFO of Malaca'ang for he also itched to sit his butt onto the Philippine Golden Seat of Power. Marcos said "Suit yourself" to the former senator and then sent several of his tr00ps to the Manila International Airport (which later renamed in his honor, but who cares??) to pose as escorts to Mr. Aquino. Aboard the China Airlines jet, the guards boarded the plane to escort Aquino. Instead of the faggy flower-wreath giving and reciting "Mabuhay! Welcome to the Philippines" to Aquino, the soldiers shouted "PUSILA!" (Tagalog for "let's fist 'em up!") and Aquino fell dead face-first on the tarmac. The perpz sang to the media that Rolando Galman, the other man shot along with Aquino, was the REAL SHOOTAH and soldiers killed him with gunfire after the latter's brains spilled the tarmac; but no-one believed in that shit and Galman was just a cannon-fodder to cover up the conspiracy brewed up by Marcos' generals. However, Marcos realized that he had made a fucking mistake, for everyone knows that Aquino is the nation's favorite son and the Filipinos were sick-to-the-bone of being skull-fucked by Marcos for 11 years. Fueled by RAAGGEEE and longing to be unchained from the fascist faggotry, they swarmed Aquino's funeral and called for his coffee-making housewife Corazon Aquino as a standard bearer of the opposition. In February 7, 1986, Marcos called the shots and a snap election was held between him and Mrs. Aquino. He was declared the victor, but those on the opposition camp smelled something lulzy with the election system. The last straw came forth upon learning that the results had been rigged in favor of Marcos, thus they went outside of the campaign HQ to take a shit and vomit, but never returned. The electoral stench pervaded the air until Marcos' top henchmen Juan Ponce Enrile (his defense minister and the brains behind martial lulz) and Fidel V. Ramos (Marcos' cousin and a military butt-bastard baby) asked their commander-in-chief to let them take a dump; however the toilet within Camp Aguinaldo was out of order for at least 100 years, so they excused themselves to the next-door camp, Camp Crame. Marcos gave them the OK, but facepalmed when he learned that he was fibbed by the two, and they had some kind of a conspiracy or some shit to pry Marcos out of the Seat of Power, which he had super-glued himself to it with The Law. He then called out the military to bring out their best wheels and fireworks to show his defectors NOT TO FUCK UP WITH THE BIG BOSS. As the Blingees and the Chromees came rolling to EDSA, an avenue where the both camps were located, the church asked the people to go to EDSA for a street dance showdown with Marcos' turtle-shell cavalry. Marcos, to prove that he is not a pussy-wimp, sent a chopper with military men and flew to where Enrile and Ramos smoking crack to beat the shit out of them and/or kill them with fire, because he wanted them to go back to choreograph his dance moves. Tensions were high over EDSA, knowing that this might be the last dance of their lives. However, the tables had turned as the guys aboard the chopper, instead of fisting them with bullets or kill them with fire, gave the two the high-five and set up the bong the soldiers brought themselves. And lettsss get the paaaarty started!!!!! The soldiers danced and shimmied with the crowd to the hip tunes, and then they pointed their guns away from Crame to Malaca'ang. The butthurt Marcos realized that this was serious business, so he hollllah'd Uncle Sam for a plane, telling him to "HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!" as throngs of frenzied crowd were moving fast armed with sticks, Molotov cocktails, dildoes and vibrators. The plane came in at the last second, actually picoseconds from being mugged, raped, mutilated, and be hanged at the Rizal Park with his mom's panties stuffed into his mouth. After which, the former coffee-maker Corazon Aquino was sworn in as the new prezzie, and she continued to serve espresso and chocolatte amongst the Filipino people for the next six years of her rule. As for Marcos, he told the US Marine pilot to take him to Paoay, his hick of a hometown north of Luzon. The pilot, having no shit of a idea where the fuck Paoay is, misinterpreted the instruction and instead he was flown to Hawaii. He had no choice, but to play the uke while his mistress Imelda did the hula dance in her 30-thousand dollar shoe for the next three years of his life. tl;dr Never underestimate the power of coffee -- and bong pipe smoke. Peace. Filipinos TodayFilipinos or Filipenis, how ever you want to call them, are the human scum of the world, they like to think that they're patriotic, nationalistic, and all that shit, but in reality faggot Filipino boys have grown fond of the nigger culture and have become in a sense, second class niggers or as an actual insult: "Asian niggers". It is also a known fact that Filipinos are the ugliest race in the entire earth (yes even uglier then the French) and that their men and women have the smallest PENISes and MELONS in the world. There are established Filipino communities especially on the west coast, where the men rape young girls and the old women kick fresh rhymes along with the boys. Also, they have dog feasts where they steal all the neighborhood dogs and have a cookout. The president of the internets Ron Paul says he wished all Filipinos would become an hero. Filipino Women specialize on gold digging, they are very fond of marrying some old man in order to get out of their shitty islands. Then, as expected, they divorce him and take half his earnings. Some women want to get a foreign husband just to interbreed, because they instinctively know how very much superior every other race is (Including niggers). The Filipenis people feel at ease knowing that everyone raped them and everyone invaded their pathetic little islands that they call home. Somehow, some of them escaped their shitty rat infested islands to live in a more civilized place like California, Australia and UK, where they go there, they buy a shitty ricer, put some shitty amps and roll on the streets acting like they're some pindick faggot gangster, they live a sad and a pathetic life, which is totally lulzy just watching them try hard to get socially accepted, talk about inferiority complex. Which in turn means they end up sucking off every fucking dirty black person they know or just becoming an hero. The current government of the Philippines is run by a very virgin president known for chain-smoking, driving fast cars and dating hot women. The government is best known for its corruption (after Laos and Indonesia) and womanizing of most of the political staff. (The latest anomaly with the armed forces which they ran off with millions of pesos worth of lost funds, and that led to the An Heroism of one of the accused generals). Filipinos are dumb fucks who love voting for celebrities, even if said celebrities don't know shit about running their own lives, much less a whole country. Anyone can be a president, ex-convicts who were reaped by lolis, currently jailed politicians who are pretty cool guys and doesnt afraid of anything, heck even the dead porn star who was reaped in the butt by a female fidget who broke her neck and is currently in deep shit. Due to the fact that Filipinos were raped by Spanish Catholics, they have the ability to swim long distances. The are arguably better swimmers than Cubans. Filipenis hard gangster thugs regularly hang around together at various 7-11 shops. Funny enough, they will ALWAYS chicken out in a fight one on one, but even bashing two or three of their midget buddies at the same time, wouldn't pose a problem to any individual from the superior race. You can identify Filipenis by the way they look. If they are short, ugly as fuck, have ugly flat noses and smell like trash (well, some Filipenis have better scents), that's them. Apparently, some of them even keep their perfumes in their buttholes, to keep it away from drunk, homosexual, and smelly Filipinos. The Failipinos are also hailed the worst and the most retarded motorcycle riders in the world. About 7 out of 10 vehicular accidents in Metro Manila are caused by Valentino Rossi-wannabes swerving through traffic at 200 kilometers per hour while drunk (and note that they never wear their helmets while doing the suicidal, asinine ride to death -- and they keep them on their elbows!!) Everyone has raped the Filipenis and everyone living there is proud of it, including your mom. The Philippine people have had the chance to reproduce with those who invaded their little islands, but since the Philippine people are fucking ugly as shit, some of the invaders chose their hand before fucking a half midget-ape hairy monster, also known as the Philippine woman. This lead to the revolt of some of the invaders desperate troops, which opposed the hand, thus wasting their superior white genes to an inferior race. All sorts of races have interbred with the Philippine people, these include white people, The InterwebsAs for on teh internets (much like how monkeys were sent into space, these guys were given computers for the lulz), a typical Failipino can be identified by the following traits:
JejemonThis shows how texting, watching animu, and the internetzzzz spoil todays' youth. This Failipinos' sub-culture is a mixture of Neanderthal man, azn Niggah, a fucktarded ghetto emokid, Pokemon piss, and various internet diseases. They luuvvv sending SMS messages using UNNECESSARILY LONG CHARACTERS meant to rape your eyes till you cry. (see examples below) These are the most retarded users of the ever-confusing 1337speak in the world, EVAR!!!! It also had created epic lulz on the internetherworld and the SMS world, and even the Philippine Department of Education gave the banhammer against these retards to spare your kids from further degeneration. Examples of jejespeak:
JejeFucks are known to wear oversized tee-shirts, a stupid rainbow cap, and they use a cellphone that could accommodate over 9000 characters just to say 'Hi" to their fellow 7373pHuxxx. They defy curfew, roaming the streets from 10 pm to 4 am, and you can see them spamming the Failbook pages with their retarded leetspeak. Their favorite hang-outs include billard halls, shopping malls, Starbucks, Internet shops (known as DoWThAhANN, fuck that), ghetto streets, video arcades and police detention cells. People who totally loathe the jejeFucks are called "Jejebusters", and will not hesitate to butt-rape them for their faggotry till kingdumb come. It should be noted also that the typical JejeFuck are mostly 13-year old boys, 16-year-old girls, and 60-year old pedofags with an IQ of -5,000 Filipino InstinctsFilipinos usually like to go batshit insane and argue with anyone who compliments or insults anyone Filipino, or their masters that they suck off. If you try to explain anything, even politely, they will take it as insults and act like little whiny-pussies even more. They often like to make fun of Viets and compare themselves to their neighboring countries. Once they feel threatened verbally, they will suck white cock for insults since their women already sucked white cock, Chinese cock, Malay cock, Spanish cock, and Japanese cock for hundreds of years resulting in the fucktarded, ugly-ass, ashamed, homosexual Failipinos we Hobbies of typical FilipinosJejefags burning an effigy of the God-Emperor of Blackkind.
Filipino SnatchersThis is how these Filipino Specie earn their money
Fidgets in Action...one day the great DingDong came from outerspace to sprout the machine gun wielding trex of the 20th dimension. Not knowing the potential fight that would ensued he conquered the world with his magical fingaling to sprout the masterful demise of what they call the Anakabu The Filipino hero has spokenEveryone is wondering why Pacquiao always win the battle.The secret is revealed PrisonsIn Filipino prisons, not only are all the inmates gay, but also they put together lavish Michael Jackson Fan Club celebrations. Also, they were forced to do this by the warden, who also tattoos his name on the female inmates. Does it add to the lulz? Fuck yes. Filipino GirlsFilipino girls usually have a really lovely voice
Teri Hatcher on FilipinosClearly, Filipinos have no sense of humor, contrary to some people's opinions. Yeah, they're hypocritical about that, they wouldn't hesitate to make fun of other nationalities, but they'll get butthurt when they're on the spotlight. M.V. Princess of The StarsA tragedy that induced tons of butthurt and internet drama. The videos explain them all. Trolling Filipinos Made EasyComing from an actual Asian nigger, most Failipinos are insanely easy to troll over the internet. With deep religious indoctrination, flimsy patriotic roots, and sarcasm being an alien concept there, this for starters is enough to work with. The M1911 pistol was built by America specifically to kill Filipinos because their guys were too retarded to shoot people in the head.
Further glimpsesSee also
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