Pokémon

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Remember kids, this once cost money to play.
Leaked Game Freak concept art.
More leaked concept art.

Pokémon is a horrific franchise about controlling a collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld. It was created at least 100 years ago in the magical land of Japan, by Satoshi Tajiri and his buttbuddies at Game Freak. The cancerous train wreck began its way across Japan in 1996, hitting the rest of the world shortly afterward. It is enjoyed by children, manchildren, housewives, Yakuza members and diseased cripples worldwide.

Contents

The basics

If only it were this awesome.

Since its genesis, Pokémon has always released not one but two versions at a time. This is solely for Game Freak to suck out more cash from what should have been just one game. Both versions contain only pointless differences that make little to no real impact on gameplay, but thanks to Game Freak's marketing propaganda they've managed to bullshit consumers into believing the difference between both versions is akin to night and day. In any instance, your basic goal is to catch Pokémon, collect eight Gym Badges, defeat an evil team, defeat the Elite Four and Champion of the region. Most games will also contain some pointless gimmick such as diving underwater, Pokémon Contests, massive cockfighting complexes and of course more goddamn Pokémon to catch.

Each Pokémon has a special type such as Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Dark and Psychic. Each type has a disadvantage or advantage over another, although every dumbass kid just uses Dragon-types, which ruins the entire sense of balance. Pokémon has also amassed controversy from several activist groups including Jews, feminists, blacks and Christians.

As for actual game strategy, it's pretty simple:

  1. Grind your Pokémon to a really high level
  2. Initiate battle
  3. Mash the A button

And that's it. No really, I'm not joshin' you, that's all you have to do. After a certain point, type advantages don't even matter because you can just one-hit everything.

The games

Each series of games is collectively divided into "Generations", a term that is never used by Game Freak themselves but by virtually every fan of the series. To date, our planet has been cursed with seven Generations of Pokémon. Pokéfags refer to this as the "core" series. If you relish in repetitive bullshit, then Pokémon is the series for you.

Generation I

Red, Green, Blue and Yellow

A special encounter from Pokémon Red.

The original games are festering pieces of shit only worshiped by manchildren who played them when they were young. Glitch-ridden, generic, and downright ugly, Pokémon Red and Green were first released in Japan for the ailing Game Boy. There are 150 Pokémon to catch, being divided up between both versions for sake of variety money making. Luckily, not everyone was convinced.

People criticized the awful graphics and lack of bug control to the point where Game Freak had to make an improved version: Pokémon Blue, which sold well despite being only marginally better than the previous two.

The games are simple: choose between Bulbasaur, Charmander or Squirtle to begin you craptastic adventure catching all 150 Pokémon and beating Gym Leaders for shiny little Badges that allow you to brainwash your Pokémon into obeying you. You are also met with your rival, totally not called Gary Oak. Along the way you run into Team Rocket, a shoddy Yakuza ripoff that partakes in doing petty crimes like abusing and raping Pokémon for profit. After catching more Pokémon and defeating all the Gyms you then get to plunder the Elite Four and the Champion. Spoiler, it's your Bieber-haired rival.

The games feature almost no post-game of which to speak, really. The only thing to do after defeating the Champion is to catch Mewtwo, which is no challenge at all if you did not waste your one allotted Master Ball.

After the Pokémon anime cartoon was released to much fervor, yet another fucking version was made: Pokémon Yellow. This was simply a poorly modified version of Red and Blue that gave you Pikachu as a starter Pokémon instead of the original trio. And no, you can't evolve it into a Raichu.

Another piece of shit game that the kiddies bought up in spades. It was now apparent that Pokémon was here to stay. In all these games there's a secret 151st Pokémon called Mew. You can't catch the fucker through normal means, rendering it to be the ultimate snipe hunt for losers worldwide.

There is also Missingno, which is just a stupid data placeholder that shows up via a glitch that autistic people worship because it looks stupid and acts retarded. The fact you can run into this thing during normal gameplay is proof that these games are among the worst in regards to programming.

Generation II

Gold, Silver and Crystal

So colorful and amazing!

Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only it takes place a couple years after the events of Red, Blue and Yellow and the trio of games is listed under Generation II. Thank God this game's programming isn't nearly as shitty as the originals, but, like the original games, you're a 10-year-old boy located in another region called Johto, with pretty much the same plot as the previous Generation.

Generation II features rearranged cities, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene and a bunch of new Pokémon such as Pikablu, Togepi, Hoothoot and moar PokéGods like Ho-Oh and Suicune, racking the Pokémon count up to 251. These games also introduced the gimmicks of Pokémon breeding and sexes, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon, a day and night cycle (a feature which wouldn't be seen again until Generation IV) and a "badarse" rival who hates Team Rocket because his dad was defeated by a 10-year-old boy.

Crystal introduced the concept of a female character, animated sprites, Suicune taking a liking to the player and has a bigger role in the game so follows him/her around and introduces a new character called Eusine who wants Suicune to suck his dick and eventually tells the player to also catch Raikou and Entei so you can catch Ho-Oh for some reason. Basically trivial shit that makes it no better than the two games before it.

Fun fact: Johto's Day Care, where Pokémon breed, is located on Route 34. Oh Japan~!

Generation III

Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald

We gotta save dah world!

Pokémon has now entered Generation III of brainwashing children. Ruby and Sapphire have the same rotten plot as previous games, where you buttfuck Gym Leaders across the Hoenn region for their Badges to take on the Elite Four. Because the games are in a new location, it also naturally features new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, two utter jokes of teams who really believe in destroying the planet to make it better. Team Aqua wishes to drown the world with the aid of a Legendary Pokémon called Kyogre, while Team Magma wishes to turn the world into a desert with the help of Groudon, Kyogre's transsexual butt-buddy.

Once again, both versions relish in useless differences that only OCD patients would give two shits about, such as version-exclusive Pokémon and which team of fuckbags you meet.

The games introduced another shitty set of gimmicks. You could use a new move, Dive, to go under the sea and somehow not drown, unfortunately. Pokémon Contests were also introduced which serve as dick-waving shows for your Pokémon. Sadly, these games were not compatible with previous series installments, which meant that you couldn't transfer your steroidal Mewtwo over from Red or Blue just to get the game over with quicker. Fans forgot to be butthurt upon discovering the joy that is Gardevoir, and to a lesser extent, Kirlia.

FireRed and LeafGreen

Basically Pokémon Red and Blue Green for babies. These games are the same thing as the 90s originals, but with Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's improved graphics and music, some new islands full of Muslims and traded Pokémon which aren't in the original 151 can't evolve until you defeat the Elite Four. You can catch Mew, but now with an event-exclusive item that was only distributed at special Nintendo events. Good job, Game Freak.

Generation IV

Diamond, Pearl and Platinum

This guy will commit mass murder against us all! Stop him!

The gameplay of Diamond, Pearl and Platinum is the exact fucking same as every other game in the series. The only main departure is the bad guys. Whereas Red featured an inept crime syndicate, Generation IV has Team Galactic, a fucking doomsday cult led by a friendless faggot.

More new Pokémon, more gimmicks (digging underground for Fossils), more 10-year-old children to play as and more money for Game Freak. Game Freak has now disproved Walt Disney on the quote "You can't top pigs with pigs." Game Freak has topped pigs with pigs, rats, metal plates, penguins, monkeys and everything else imaginable. The games also introduced a type of pseudo-3D overview that simply shows that Game Freak's staff composes of lazy shits who will put in as little effort as possible in a series that's seemingly guaranteed to make lots of money.

Also, Cynthia and Dawn were introduced in these games to the delight of perverts and hardcore Pokéfags everywhere.

HeartGold and SoulSilver

Last Thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon and pseudo-3D graphics.

Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together and adding useless features such as the Pokéathlon, Pokéwalker and the Spiky-eared Pichu. However, as soon as this piece of news was released on the Internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants. The only thing of relevance to come out of these games is the scene where the rival rapes you in Goldenrod City and leaves what's left of your semen-filled anus for Team Rocket. Deee-licious monies for Game Freak ensued.

Generation V

Black and White

The fifth slew of Pokémon games were released in 2011, the year shit broke loose. It is the first one with real 3-D graphics DISREGARD THAT, IT'S JUST THE SAME PSEUDO-3D SHIT AGAIN and the Pokémon professor, Professor Juniper is an older woman who will attempt to rape you once you complete the whole fucking Pokédex, which means that you have to catch all 649 Pokémon in order for her to accomplish this. SIX HUNDRED AND FUCKING FORTY NINE.

Instead of playing as a 10-year-old brat, you now play as a 16-year-old brat. Instead of playing in a region based on Japan, you play in a region based on New York. Unova is complete trash anyway, so go fuck this game. Instead of catching Mewtwo, you catch Zekrom or Reshiram. Instead of fighting doomsday freaks, you fight Team Plasma.

Team Plasma, much like PETA, are just a bunch of retards because they apparently think the best way to free Pokémon is to enslave more of them and kill anyone who disagrees. Fucking genius. And instead of playing for fun DISREGARD THAT, POKÉMON IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT GRINDING AND EV TRAINING SO THAT YOUR CHARIZARD MAY BE 1337, you're playing this shit out of religious vows to Game Freak's staff.

This game is also programmed by enemies of the lulz, and possibly Jews. You can't name any of your Pokemon 9/11 or Hitler unless you use the AR code, or anything lulz-y for that matter such as being unable to name your Pokémon "Death" in Japanese (Shinu). Want more? Hack the game's ROM and look up its shittily written text data and see for yourself. Oh, and you can't swear or use any sexual references. Further proof that this game is fucked up as hell.

The shitfaces at Game Freak and Nintendo have fucked it up enough to the point where you can't even trade Pokemon like Froslass and Cofagrigus because they're fucking manchildren in the society who dub the No Cussing Club legit. Oh Game Freak and Nintendo, you unfunny band of pussies.

Black 2 and White 2

The most pointless sequel ever. Black 2 and White 2 were just placeholders so that Game Freak could work on their next abomination, Pokémon X and Y. This is almost the same shit, no srsly, even the two Legendary Pokémon in the game are recolors, the music has shitty, unnecessary remixes and you might as well kill yourself for having purchased this.

Generation VI

X and Y

Pokémon in 3D... yep.

The same boring routine of beat up eight Gym Leaders and take on the Elite Four, except this time there is little to do in the post-game besides capture Mewtwo, which Game Freak only put in the game to please Red and Blue fags.

The games are far easier compared to previous Pokémon games, with the new and improved Exp. Share and Mega Stones that you're given very early in the game making it so easy and casual that even a brain dead 3-year-old kid could beat this crappy game blindfolded.

Everything is also rendered in 3D; not good 3D, not brick-shittingly amazing 3D, just plain old laggy 3D you'd find when playing an N64 game. Now you have only seventy new Pokémon and some shit called Mega Evolution which enables certain Pokémon to go Super Saiyan. The world of X and Y is based off the exciting country of France, proving even Game Freak has given up at this point.

Because of Nintendo's shitty region lock on the 3DS, and all the potential money that Nintendo of not-Japan lost by weeaboos and other Japanfags buying the Japanese version instead of their own region's version, this generation of Pokémon was the first to be released worldwide and in multiple languages at the same time. Now you can enjoy playing the same fucking game for the 26th time in one of either six of the world's worst languages, like Korean.

Lastly, the No Cussing Club inspired censor from the previous games came back in X and Y, and will probably be that way for the rest of the series. Whooo!!!

Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire

This latest remake has the same ugly graphics as the previous 3D games. This game introduces Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre, who both, along with Mega Rayquaza, make Arceus and Mewtwo look like complete trash. Despite being the worst games in theory, they are on track to becoming some of the best-selling Pokémon games of all time.

Nope, no Battle Frontier because it r b too hard 4 kiddies. Suck it, losers.

Generation VII

Sun and Moon

Seriously, it's the same fucking game all over again.

The first generation to come translated in Chinese. Sun and Moon is Game Freak's latest games set for November 18, 2016 on the New 3DS and is based on Hawaii.

In these games, taking a page from X and Y, you can now change into more clothes and now have the option to take off your hat. Taking another page from the past generation is that now you have the chance to finally play as a 16-year-old nigger as you go around and rape Alolan prostitutes in the game's largest city...or you can dress as a skimpy Caucasian tramp if you chose to play as a female (which you will undoubtfully do).

Sun and Moon also introduces Alolan variants of the first generation Pokémon and Samson Oak, because Game Freak is now following the trend of banking on nostalgia to maximise profits from Millenials working at their local Walmart or McDonald's instead of creating more new monsters to catch for the younger generation. It worked with X and Y, so why not play it safe like every single entertainment company nowadays?

And to top it all off, in Pokémon Sun and Moon you get to encounter Ultra Beasts, which are basically ripoffs of the Angels from Eva. Not much is known about them for now, but it can be sure that just like the Reptilians and Jews, they are already imposing as humans, this time disguising as a PETA-like organization called the Aether Foundation.

Guys, the reptilians Ultra Beasts are here! Be prepared for your tin foil hats or you will be target for their mind control ploys! Never mind. Sooner or later they will be someone's furry waifu; as seen in UB-01, a jellyfish that acts like a loli and UB-02, a cockroach that can sexually attract any Pokémon and Human.

Pokémon types

Pokémon each have their own types and abilities. This sections lists all the single types. Pokémans can have two types; if you want serious information in finding out what's weak to what then look here, work it out for yourself and fuck off.

  • Normal: The basic non-elemental type for all Pokémon too generic and/or boring for Game Freak to bother with placing into a better category. Normal-types hold no advantage over any other types and can get knuckled over by Fighting attacks and can't damage Ghost-types unless you negate its Ghost typing or use literally any other type attack. Most Normal-types don't sit well with being just a Normal-type so are able to wield other typed attacks such as Electric, Water, or Fire in an attempt to make up for their lack of any real use.
  • Fire: If you have a favorite Pokémon, chances are it is a Fire-type. Despite the fact a Fire-type can get knuckled over by Water, Rock and Ground Pokémon, they are loved by all and feared by many. Fire-types generally dish out ridiculous amounts of Special Attack damage and generally have high HP and Speed, thus are even able to be competitive against their weaknesses in case you didn't see that coming.
  • Water: The type with the highest number of Pokémon in the games, with at least 15 being introduced each Generation. Water-types are based off of marine creatures and sealife. Water-types are for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day rather than going out and exploring the actual game. You only really use one so it can be a HM Slave for your Water-typed HM moves or for clearing caves full of Geodudes. Water-types are effective against Rock, Ground and Fire-types. Pretty much any Water-type that can learn TMs can try to be a failed Ice-type by learning at least one Ice TM move, the usual one being Ice Beam.
  • Ice: Ice-types normally come dual-typed, with the other type normally being Water. They became increasingly unoriginal with each inbred Generation, until all Nintendo could come up with were several scoops of ice cream and a snowflake with eyes and facial hair. You only catch and train an Ice-type in order to defeat the mandatory Dragon Trainer of that game, only to find that their Pokémon know Fighting and/or Fire type moves that can easily knuckle it over.
  • Electric: The only real reason you'd want an Electric-type is because most Electric attacks can cause paralysis one way or another. The type itself is effective against both Water and Flying-types so could easily dispatch of those fucking Zubats and Tentacools that seem to appear in the thousands. An Electric-type's only weakness is the Ground-type, which can be temporarily nullified with Magnet Rise. Electric Pokémans weren't based on irl creatures that could actually shoot electricity at shit until the invention of Eelektross. Some argue that Lanturn was based on an irl creature but Anglerfish don't shoot electricity, they emit light from their antenna.

As of Generation VI, Electric-type Pokémon can no longer be paralyzed, which, when coupled with their already high Speed, make them somewhat useful.

  • Rock: Rock-types have shitloads of HP and high Defense, but next to no Special Defense and are normally slow as hell. These are what you spend most of your early gameplay struggling against if you pick the Fire starter, and almost never use in any game playthrough unless you actively decide to use one to shake things up a bit.
  • Ground: Often accompanied with Rock-typing, Ground is a shitty mix of Rock and Normal, which means it performs poorly at being either of them. It is the only thing Electric-types are weak to, but anything that shoots out a lightning bolt from its bell-end is piss-weak anyway.
  • Fighting: Fighting-types have muscles where their brains should be and sport a nigger cock. They have lots of physical strength, but are easily mindfucked by Psychics and Fairies and birds for some reason. They can beat up on Normal, Dark, Rock, Steel and Ice Pokémon.
  • Psychic: Known as the Esper-type in the Japanese version, Psychic-types have powerful Special Attack and Special Defense, but low physical Defense and Health; basically every "mage" character in any RPG in existence. Psychic-types are shit-scared of Ghosts, Dark-types and Bugs for some reason. Went from easily the best type in Generation I to one of the worst types in the most recent core games.
  • Ghost: Ghosts are completely immune to Normal and Fighting attacks, weak to other Ghosts and largely resistant to Ground-based moves in the later games thanks to the introduction of the Levitate Ability. Your only chance in hell to beat one of these is to train up a Dark-type, a Normal-type wielding anything but Normal attacks, or something else. Ghosts have the ability to naturally learn and use a move called "Curse" which makes the user die alone. Ghosts also wield and other lulzy moves like Destiny Bond and Perish Song.
    • Side note: Nintendo trolled the anime followers of the original Pokémon series, claiming that Ghosts were strong against Psychics. Fanboys would find out only after they trained their Haunter for three days that it was generally useless against Sabrina, because the only damage-dealing Ghost attack in Generation I was a shitty move called Lick, and Haunter was in fact weak against Psychic Pokémon due to its dual Poison-typing. O Nintendo, u so funneh.
  • Poison: Either has fucking high Defense and HP, as well as having somewhat overpowered Poison attacks, or pathetically weak with lame Poison attacks, or were strong but had no Poison attacks at all. Until Generation VI, Poison moves were arguably the worst damage-dealing attacks, and generally avoided unless getting a STAB, but their strength against Fairies changed that somewhat. Get poisoned by one and you have to put up with the irritating long lasting poison effects which made these things a bitch to fight. Poison-types are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a fucking seizure every four steps you took. Until Generation V.
  • Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock, but with even MOAR Defense and HP, and in an almost cruel twist of irony it now gets shat on by Fire, and Grass Pokémon now suck its ten-foot cock. The only reason you'd ever want one is because they're completely immune to Poison and the fact that they resist pretty much everything until Generation VI, when their resistances to Dark and Ghost attacks were removed.
  • Dark: Dark (Or in Japseye land, Evil) was invented because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. All of the creatures in the Dark-typing are either deep and mysterious, appear at night or are natural cunts. They are one of the few types to be able to use a Psychic and Ghost-type as toilet paper with no real problems, but all Dark types have a crippling phobia of Bugs, and Fairies and Fighting types can wear them like gloves through their arseholes.
  • Bug: Anything based off of bugs IRL which is kind of fitting since the entire franchise was based on bug catching. As you'd expect of bugs, rocks can crush them, Flying types eat them for lunch, and Fire types cook them for the Flying types. To make up for that, they usually have an oddly good Special Attack, and many seem to be failed Psychic-typesas they usually wield Psychic-type attacks.
  • Flying: Various winged creatures that can fly. That is, unless they're insects, mostly anything modeled after bats and Gyarados. They are usually weak but fast and sport rather nice physical strength, but are only really useful when fully evolved. Rock-types can crush them to pieces, Ice-types can serve them frozen and Electric-types can serve them fried. Only one Pokémon is a pure Flying-type without hax, and it's a fucking genie.
  • Dragon: Probably the only type in the game worth a damn, at least until the introduction of the Fairy-type. Overpowered, huge amount of HP, fast, could take a lot of rape and most of them could learn at least one move of every other type in existence. They're mainly used by whiny-ass little bastards who think the world of Pokémon is real. Nearly impossible to kill and even MOAR impossible to level-up, Dragon's only weaknesses are Ice-types, Dragons and Fairies.
  • Fairy: The manliest type which was introduced with the released of X and Y with Sylveon as the figurehead for the type which has since become a waifu Pokémon for furries. A bunch of previous Pokémon have since been reclassed as Fairies, including Clefairy, Pikablu and Mr. Mime for some godawful reason. It was introduced in VI because the fucktards at Game Freak realized Dragons were overpowered and Spiritomb needed a weakness to stop people cheating in a Wondertomb.

Status conditions

During the awesome Pokéman battles which start, either when you step on a Pachirisu, a fat faggot with nothing better to do challenges you to a fight for no real reason at all, or your imaginary friend from irl challenges you and you hook up your Game Boys together so you can start fightin' your Pokémans, Status conditions are one of the things Pokéman can do to each other to piss each other off. They are as follows:

  • Paralysis: A condition inflicted most commonly by Electric attacks, Body Slam, Stun Spore and Glare. Annoyingly the most common status condition you can ever fucking get. Paralysis slows the sufferer down to 25% and gives them a chance of being unable to attack on any given turn, and your Pokéman will never attack, whereas the enemy will without a problem. You can recover from paralysis with status condition healing items. Combine with Attract and Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING. Any Pokéman with the Limber Ability is immune to paralysis, just Saiyan.
  • Poison: A less common but equally stupid condition wherein the poisoned Pokémon gradually loses HP even when you are out of battle, shown when your game has a fucking seizure every four steps. Can be cured with an Antidote. Pokémans with the Immunity Ability, Poison-types and Steel-types are immune to it. In the first three Generations, your Pokémon could faint from being poisoned outside of battle. In Generation IV, they magically recover from poison while on the verge of death at 1HP and in Generation V they stay poisoned but don't cause the screen to seizure or lose health by walking four steps, essentially making it no different to being burned, minus shitting on the Attack stat.
  • Badly poisoned: Copy/paste of being poisoned, but does more damage as more turns are taken in battle. Totally fair.
  • Sleep: Sleep stops your Pokémon from doing anything at all, unless you use Snore or Sleep Talk. It can either last a long time or not very long at all, essentially mind-fucking you into choosing whether to use an Awakening or not. If you're really unlucky, it could last five full turns. Any Pokémon with Dream Eater, usually the one that put you to sleep in the first place, can rape your health while healing themselves at the same time. Any Pokéman with Insomnia or Vital Spirit is immune to sleep, even if it tries to cause it on itself by using a move such as Rest.
  • Burn: Burns are most often inflicted by 90% of Fire attacks. When affected by a burn, the Attack stat is shat all over similar to how paralysis shits on Speed, and you lose HP every turn. It doesn't make your game screen have a seizure every four steps outside of battle though, and can be cured with a Burn Heal. Pokémon that are Fire-types, or have the Water Veil Ability, cannot be inflicted with the burn status.
  • Freeze: Caused by at least 50% of Ice attacks and works pretty much the same way as sleep, by making your Pokémon useless in that it can't fight back. It rarely lasts more than one turn though and has no attacks that instantly causes it. The Pokéman in question can be defrosted in one of five ways; It can defrost randomly on its own, can be cured with an Ice Heal, can be defrosted when Fire attacks are used against it, is immune to being frozen with the Magma Armor Ability and it can defrost itself using Flame Wheel, Sacred Fire, Flare Blitz, Fusion Flare, or Scald. A pure fail.
  • Curse: A lulzy condition inflicted by Ghost-types. The user becomes emo and sticks needles in itself using some odd voodoo shit, taking half its health to lay a curse on your Pokémon. Every turn, just less than 1/4 of your Pokémon's health will be taken until it dies of severe depression. Massive trolling and butthurt ensues from its use. Use it often and use it against real people to piss them off.

The anime

Professor Oak learned Ash's secret.
What? You thought they couldn't out-gay the maid?
The NEW and PROGRESSIVE Ash Ketchup.

The Pokémon cartoon (compulsively referred to as the anniemay by fanfaggots) tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to being a Pokémon fanboy. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.

Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."

Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.

Pokémon do not like you, it's a fact.
Screenshot from the 9th season.

Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's a 10-year-old, is an even bigger whore than the other girls mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for many of the show's viewers.

The series has continued for several more seasons than it ever should have, showcasing Ash and some traveling partners going throughout the region of the games currently being promoted. We have seen Ash paired up with Iris and Cilan as they explored the Amerifat region, and now the show focuses on Kalos. Here, Ash is now accompanied by Clemont, his little sister Bonny, and Serena. Sadly, Ash will never see himself win an official championship as long as the show keeps going. Nor will he get any pussy.

The cartoon is solely enjoyed by people who play the games. Compulsive, autistic, fat, basement-dwelling freaks whom don't receive any love from their mommies and daddies. Watching the Pokémon cartoon is considered by many to be even lower than enjoying a Nickelodeon shit-com. That is fucking low.

4Kids and drama in the U.S.

The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for U.S. distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on the Internet.

Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was sodomizing the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice actors had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of angst.

The comic

Suffering.jpg
The world of Pokémon is unforgiving.

As if the world didn't have enough Pokéshit, we now have fucking manga comics about it. The one most fantards give a shit about is Pokémon Adventures, known as Pokémon Special by weebs. This comic is the bastion wet dream of Deviantards, shippers, and 9-year-old children who enjoy bloody violence. Rife with violence, plundering, blood, Pokémon getting killed, people getting killed, evil Gym Leaders, evil Elite Four, Trainers being turned into stone, time travel, drama, hate, and of course nudity. Pokémon Special (or PokéSpe for short) is a fucking dream come true, even being endorsed by the original game's creator Satoshi Tajiri. The main protagonists are swapped around, which would give an air of refreshment with each new story arc - however this is a let down once you realize they are named after the games. We are left with shit like a boy named Gold and a girl named White.

In truth, it's just a shitty overblown Marvel-tier mess that only gets points above the cartoon because it doesn't star that cocksucker Ash Ketchum. Even then, the comic's version of Red (Ash's basis) is just as bad. It's all weak as shit compared to real hardcore series.

Videos

Your average fan.
Niggers.
Guidos.
Retards.
Christians.
Momma's boys and Misty fappers.
Faggots.

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Galleries

Official manga About missing Pics


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See also

What REALLY happens at the Pokémon Day Care.

External links

4chan

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Pokémon is part of a series on

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Pokémon
is part of a Series on
Cyberpets

Pets:

AywasMyAdoptsDragon CaveFurry PawsKhimerosNeopetsPsyPetsRikopetsTamagotchiSubetaWajas

Related Crap:
DigimonPokémonPsypetsSparkledogsSpore

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Pokémon
is part of a series on Pokémon

A FUCKING POKEMON
Abra
Aggron
Aggron
Alakazam
Alakazam
Avidraco
Avidraco
Bidoof
Bidoof
Blastoise
Blastoise
Charizard
Charizard
Cloyster
Cloyster
Ditto
Ditto
Empoleon
Empoleon
Empoleon
Espeon
Garchomp
Garchomp
Gardevoir
Gardevoir
Hypno
Hypno
Jynx
Jynx
Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff
It's a Kirby, retard
Kirby
Koffing
Koffing
Lanturn
Lanturn
Cunnilingus
Lickitung
Lopunny
Lopunny
Lucario
Lucario
Lugia
Lugia
Metapod
Metapod
Mewtwo
Mewtwo
Mistystuffer
Misty
Mudkip
Mudkip
Twitch Plays Pokemon
Omanyte
Pikaman
Pikaman
Pokemon Go
Pokemon Go
Swirlface
Poliwhirl
Porygon
Porygon
Primeape
Primeape
Probopass
Probopass
JustinRPG
Reshiram
FUCK_YEAH_SEAKING
Seaking
Shaymin
Shaymin
Shiny Pidgey
Shiny Pidgey
Slowpoke
Slowpoke
Smugleaf
Smugleaf
Snorlax
Snorlax
Snover
Snover
Squirtle
Squirtle
Suicune
Suicune
Xatu
Xatu
Zoroark
Zoroark
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