The ultimate test of pure athletic prowess. The main goal of this sport is to see how many idiots can blow their life savings on the Internets. Sometimes, this results in the pwned poker player having to rob a bank.
The Cherokee Indians invented Poker in 1764 as a means to steal money from the White Man. After all of the Redskins were killed in the War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte took their stockpile of American cashito and opened the first casino. As an interesting point of fact, due to his blood oath with Satan, Napoleon had to open the casino near a gate to hell. Atlantic City, NJ was born a year later. "Atlantic City" is French for "The Devil's Taint."
How to Play
First, everyone logs onto their favorite poker website -- there are at least 100 of these on the Internets. These people (usually college students) then send all of their money to the poker sites. These sites are regulated by third world countries, so they are completely safe. If you find yourself playing poker on the internets you can be sure you have no websense.
The rest of the game involves good players (sharks) betting their cash in an attempt to prove that they are the best. They are consequently beaten by noobs (fish) through so-called "lucky suckouts." The good players will typically take this opportunity to call the winning player a "Donkey." The best 16 year old poker players in the world are always beaten by the worst players.
The truly best players lose all of their money because the sites are rigged. Therefore, the more you lose, the better you are at the game.
Trolling poker players
- Sit at a poker table
- Pretend to don't know the rules
- Argue with people who do
- Tell them that you played poker in Vegas with Doyle Ivey and Phil Brunson
- Call very unlucky players donks
- Whenever you fold before the flop, lean over to your neighbor and tell him "I burned those cards cause they were black"
- Splash chips
- Overbet a very small pot, show everybody 72 off and yell "SUCKERS!"
- Whenever you fold say "So, you made a royal flush again?"
- If you fold and the flop doesn't have obvious straight or flush draws look at the board and exclaim "DAMMIT AND I FOLDED POCKET ACES!"
- Watch for a missed flush draw and call the guy with a small pair; then yell "I'VE GOT THE NUTS!"
- Shuffle cards like a three year old. That is, spread them out on the table and then re-stack them. So long as they all stay face down, it's legit.
- Take their money and observe gargantuan amounts of lulzy rage
- Cheat. (Guaranteed butthurt.)
Famous Poker Players
- Mark Twain
Phill Hellmuth, JrHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
- Greg Hogan
- Satan (although he apparently loses to Chuck Norris)
Poker as a Sport
Many people contend that poker is not, in fact, a sport. This has been refuted numerous times by many of the games supporters. Poker requires great stamina; sitting in a chair for 15 hours at a time while occasionally moving your thumb can be very taxing. Occasionally, players even have to push poker chips into the center of the table; this requires a highly developed forearm.
Fortunately, since many poker players are fat, disgusting slobs that spend too much time masturbating while watching repeats of "World Poker Tour" on television, they are well prepared for the trials that this sport brings with it.
Actually, all of that movement is required for live poker games. These games are no longer played, as it was too much work to walk to the casinos. So forget all of that shit, because poker on the Internets is not a sport.
Hear is a recording of a poker game treated like a sport
Professional Poker Trolling
Ausfag playing the game as God intended.
Poker and the American Government
Due to Satan's involvement with the construction of Atlantic City, Conservative Christians hate poker. In 2006, the American Government attempted to outlaw wagering on the Internets unless some of that money was being used to pay for government funded projects (like fixing Condoleeza Rice's teeth).
If you are addicted to poker, you need to seek professional help immediately -- because only a fucking moron is addicted to a game. Go get a real addiction like crack, hookers, Tang, or being a Jehovas Witness. Also, since Poker isn't really gambling, try being addicted to gambling - it's much easier. If you wanna test your level of addiction, read the "seven signs of gambling addiction"