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A typical polyamourous triad couple (Child sold separately)
An ordinary day for a polyamorous family
Gwyn is polyamorous :(

Polyamory is the act of or ability to love, in a romantic sense, more than one person. Those who lead a polyamorous sexual life are typically called polys, and most harbor some other fetish, whether it's furry, goth, sporks or whatever.

Polys, like many formerly abused children, often confuse their sex life with their day-to-day lifestyle and personality. Polyamory becomes something they are rather than something they do. Proselytizing polys are the most annoying of all. Poly communities consist almost entirely of losers who identify as polys because they are so pathetic it is the only way they could get laid at all.

As with any made-up misunderstood minority, Polys cement their group by stigmatizing outsiders; thus, in this loser taxonomy, non polys are "moggies" (this is not a term of affection, despite the fact that every goddam batshit poly chick has seventeen cats). This ingroup/outgroup behavior shows the world they are outsiders and Idiots.

Taunting Polys

The dead parrot war of attrition

The easiest way to enrage a Poly is to refuse to understand what they mean when they proudly announce they are polyamorous:

(A wee script, works best IRL, but can be adapted for online/chat)

Polly: ...and, so, because I AM POLYAMOROUS...

You: What ? <looks outraged> <-this is the bait.

Polly: Polyamorous..you see, it means...

You: That's disgusting ! <-this sets the hook

Polly: <grins inwardly, begins smug self indulgent speech on tolerance or some stupid crap> Well, I think that love....

You (LOUDLY): WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO FUCK A PARROT !!!!!!!! <-whizzzzzz ! Out goes the line....

Crowd at party: <suddenly staring at poly> Horror! Disgust!

The longer you can misunderstand polyamorous to mean "Love of parrots" the better. As you have now stigmatized the poly as an evil zoophile, society will condone you ranting, raving, and generally abusing them at the top of your lungs - remember, YOU are the victim. Throw in the issue of consent being impossible for animals, and some choice comments like "What? Do you put crackers on your dick to entice them?"


Another thing polys hate is when you say they're "swingers". Like all cults, they hope to keep a fresh new perspective on things and prefer to believe that the concept of "having sex with other people" is something they invented in 1998. Call a poly a swinger then listen patiently for 45 minutes while he/she explains the nonexistent differences between the two, then follow up with "So you're swingers, then?".

DOING IT WRONG Semantics 2: Electric Boogaloo

Polyamory is wrong. It should be polyphilia or multiamory (source).


Anti polyamory workshop in session.
Ask your math teacher on how to troll polyps.

True to their ways of using new concepts when old would do, polys likes to compare their relations with overly complex geometrical figures. One of the most cutesy is star relations, i.e. every member is only having relations with two others. Point out to them that a star is geometrically equivalent to the much more boring circle. Ask then why they didn't name their relations after the circle.

The golden years

One final way to taunt polys is to ask what they think their lives will be like when they're 70. Do they plan to go play Canasta with other partners? Maybe have a three-way shuffleboard game?

Hypocrite Polys

There has been a recent increase in relationships where one person wants to be poly but the other is expected to remain monogamous. Typically, the woman claims she is "wired that way" and that it feels unnatural for her to only fuck one person and wants to share the love, yet she can't bear the thought of her man touching anyone else. This typically ends in drama for everyone involved.

See also

External Links

  • LJDrama discusses a thread in the polyamory community. In it, a girl has sex with another girl's boyfriend and gets pregnant. Normally this would be considered cheating. But, it's different when you're poly.
  • Mono_poly is a Hypocrite Poly LJ community, "for those involved with relationships where there are both polyamorous and monogamous partners".
  • Definition from the Polyamory Wiki
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