Preteen pageants are a fairly awesome form of entertainment, and the best way to raise your child by far. Invented by pedophile parents who enter their prostatot daughters, their goal is to provide gratuitous wank material for all the pedos sitting in the audience, under the guise of winning a prize.
Most of the prostatots that enter these competitions are spawned from obese, hideous trailer trash parents who barely hold down three fast-food jobs to buy their kid's $10,000 dress. All of them are attention whores, and the only reason most of them are there is because their sad sickfuck mothers, who have realised that they are starting to excel at fugly, try and recreate their failed childhoods through their bratty slut daughters who would rather be watching cartoons, playing with other kids or listening to the Justine Bieber.
Preteen Pageants take place in Kentucky, Louisiana and Alabama, as an alternative to fucking alligators and shooting niggas (or in some cases, fucking niggas and shooting alligators). Bear in mind that the definition of a virgin in these states is simply a loli who can still run faster than her brothers.
How They Work
Seeing as there are no laws in the U.S. regulating how one can run one of these pedo pageants, most of them are created by people who want to make some money scamming fat middle aged mothers who were made fun of in high school and want to relive their "glory days" through their children. It's actually very clever too. Though seeing as pageants are the most popular in the South, one doesn't have to try very hard to pull one over on some dumb redneck housewives.
There are two types of pageants: "Scholastic" or "Natural", which involves the contestants actually doing shit like community service and having a real talent in order to win, and "Glitz", where you just need to have a shitload of money to burn and no actual talent or good grades is necessary. Both can be fucked up. But glitz pageants are the ones where the most batshittery occurs and the ones that are shown on TV the most.
Entry fees for glitz pageants tend to be somewhere from $50 to several hundred dollars. Of course, you need to pay the several hundred if you actually want your kid to be in all of the categories in the pageant. Now, if you think that just putting your little extension of yourself into just any old dress, throwing some age appropriate makeup on her, and maybe have her do a little dance for the "talent" portion is enough, you are dead fucking wrong. Glitz pageants tend to employ a set of makeup artists, coaches, choreographers, seamstresses, tanners (yes, tanners), and photo bastardizers. All of these people do their particular crafts in the way that they know that the judges are looking for and the judges are told who went to whom. If you don't hire all of these people, you won't win and the other mothers will mock your child behind their back. (Not that they won't do that if you do. After all, they all want to win too and are not above mocking
you your child right in front of you.) So kiss about $500 goodbye for all of that right there. Don't forget the $200 for that sparkly poofy abortion of a My Size Barbie dress that the judges will give you a zero if you don't have. ($6000 if you want a really high end one. Like, with real diamonds on it and shit.) Then there's the money you need to travel to that Holiday Inn that the pageant is being held at and, occasionally, the money you need to spend to buy a gift for the retiring title holders or what the fuck.
Now after dumping all of that money into the pageant, what do you get out of it? Well, for starters, every participant gets a trophy and maybe a little gift bag or something. They also announce the titles in such a way as to confuse the little girls into thinking they won something big, until their mother tells them otherwise and ruins the moment, and their lives. (But they need to know. How else will they know better and pay more attention to their Pro-Am coach next time?)
Along with the stuff no real pageant mother cares about like "Best Hair" and "Best Smile", every age division has a "Queen". If you win the "Queen" title, you are actually a loser and didn't earn one of the more important over all "Universal" titles. So you actually don't want to have your name called during that part. The Universal winners are the ones who actually win the big prize, which tends to be around several thousand dollars and maybe a puppy for you to dump into an animal shelter because your kid is irresponsible and can't take care of a living thing at that age and you don't want to take care of it. (Besides, it's not a toy chihuahua or something you can carry around in your purse. So why bother?) So as you can see, while the dumbshit mothers go into debt trying to live vicariously through their crotch droppings, the best they can do when they win the big titles is break even. And yet, they will still keep coming back because of those participant trophies and the realization (be it subconscious or not) that they need to make all of that money back. Also, the kid gains self-esteem, a positive body image, poise, and all that shit that the mothers say their kids learn to excuse the fact that they just flushed several thousand dollars down the toilet. Genius, huh?
Oh, and pageants always hire that one faggot Michael Galanes to emcee the whole thing. He's in every single one and the truly desperate housewives love watching him smile creepily and feel up their prepubescent daughters while singing to them.
Common Elements of a Pageant Look
Judges in glitz pageants always say that they are looking for the most beautiful and charismatic prostatot. If you read the section above and watched any videos of one of these things, you will know that that is a god damn lie. There is only one look that they are looking for and it always involves the same things:
- Big 80s hairdos that create a hole in the ozone layer when you put them together. (Hair extensions are a must. But wigs are right out. The judges only want to see a child's natural hair.
- A makeup job that makes the kid look like a mini Tammy Faye Baker.
- Remember, it is never too early to start giving your girl Botox.
- "Flippers", dentures that cover up all of the kid's teeth and make them look like a adult ones that are too big for the kid's mouth, because fuck the Tooth Fairy and nature.
- Big poofy sparkly dresses. The skirt must fan out like a cracked out tutu and show off that delicious little girl leg for the pedos.
- Fake guido tans. Who says a 5 to 11 year old is too young to have a spray tan?
- An age inappropriate bikini for the swimwear competition.
- No actual talent. Every glitz pageant participant does what is called a "Pro-Am" routine. Pro-Am is a form of "modeling" that was invented by the gays back when discos were around that involves walking around like you have ants in your pants while waving your arms fabulously and twirling a jacket around to some music. It looks like someone with no rhythm trying to dance and the judges and audience love it despite the fact that they probably go out and kill gay people when they are not dumping money into this crap.
I R Gud At Photoshop
Another common element of glitz pageants is the head shots that are required from all of their participants. Now, seeing as the participants are already wearing outfits made for oversized Barbie dolls, why not go the extra mile and make them look like one in their pictures as well? What's even better is they are easy to do and make money off of (if you have no soul). Just abuse the fuck out of Photoshop's clone tool, gaussian blur that shit up, make the skin tone completely even, and don't make anything look natural. Natural looking children look ugly, and no one wants an ugly baby.
Toddlers & Tiaras
Toddlers & Tiaras is a reality television show found on TLC, which depicts spoiled ass rotten toddlers on their big day as contestants in a beauty pageant. Three year olds are painted up like trash, put into sleazy, bedazzled costumes, then paraded around like chattel.
The show takes a brief look into the youngster's home lives and the preparation for the big day. Typically the mothers are following the brats around begging for them to cooperate, or offering a reward if they just practice their routine just one more time. The child then does a small cameo in which they usually say that they hate doing pageants and only do them to make their once beautiful, now fat and ugly mothers happy.
Fathers who haven't come to terms with their sexual orientation also get involved with the coaching and training of their little bundles of joy, while secretly only wanting the crown for themselves.
Then it's pageant day! Once sweet innocent angels are transformed into snotty bitches. Spray tan and hair spray permeates throughout the room. The BAWWs of little children fill the air and tears fall from mothers eyes. This is the moment they've waited their whole lives (3 years) for.
There once was a prostatot named JonBenet. However, someone, possibly from /b/, decided to terminate her career prematurely, causing much lulz, some internet drama, and resulting in some fucktard creating a 'Who killed Jon Bennett Ramsey page' which may have attracted up to 6 hits. This unfortunately didn't even make fail in terms of internet drama. At least they could have let her create and delete an LJ account first. Of course, massive amount of vids have been posted on YouTube by the carebear emos, such as this:
Be careful: some of these vids are seriously vomit inducing.
- Universal Royalty pageant. Future scammers, take note.
- Clips from Toddlers & Tiaras
- What the creator of some of the pictures in that gallery does as a side project.
- Something Awful article about a crazy pageant photo lady getting butthurt over a Photoshop thread.
- Some of these parents are just laughable, but 3, 4 and 10 will make you cry
Preteen Pageant is part of a series on