Pretendians

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Pretendians


Wannabe Native Americans with severe Cherokee syndrome who are usually overweight, chalk-white, knuckle-dragging bridge trolls who have not a hint of physical similarity to an American Indian. Most are white, ginger, aspie fucktards, but blacks do it too. Most claim to be 1/8 or less but some are dumb enough to claim higher and make stupid statements like “I don’t know why I came out so white.” Seldom is there any evidence to support their claims. Therefore, they uphold their claims with anecdotal stories about a Cherokee princess, somewhere in a fairy-tale family tree, who wanted it from some great-great-great granddaddy. Very rarely do they make claims of anything other than Cherokee because everyone knows that Cherokees fucked a great lot. Being that most are wealthy elitists, these ethnic shoppers spend shit-tons of money on DNA tests. If any ancestry exists, they will embellish that very small portion to be over 9,000% of their heritage as if anyone gives a shit.

Ward Churchill

Smug Assholes


High-cheekbones.jpg

Most pretendians are smug liberals who would give anything not to be white, but do not be surprised when shit-kickers make similar claims. They are worse than wiggers or wapanese in that they know little to nothing about modern native culture and merely go about wearing bolo ties and making wild claims of indigenous heritage, while acting in the same retarded manner of an intelligent person from San Francisco. Ironically, they claim to know everything about Native Americans and apply for tribal membership, casino jobs, scholarships, and all the other free shit the privileges of membership may provide. Often, their claims and requests are met with laughter and accompanied by phrases like “get the fuck out of here” or “Was that the punch-line? I don’t get it.”


Feathered
Tarred and Feathered

This guy is real angry about poseurs.

Moar!!!


Attention Whores


Seriously, just look at my jewels!!!

Attention-whoring in cheap, roadside-stand jewellery and other hideous, stereotypical paraphernalia is a common pastime for these types. Their houses are filled, often to the point of hording, with funny little items like dream-catchers, wood carvings, leather furnishings, wooden flutes, shitty paintings, spears, and animal skulls; and they love to show this shit that nobody cares about to bored guests. Scenes like these conjure comments like “Man, you paid that much for a pile of rocks and shit glued to a rope? You got fucking scalped, bro! No wonder you never have any wampum to pay for your T.P.” Then, the speeches of racial insensitivity lead to lulz and comments like “I wish I had a fucking camera right now ‘cause when you’re pissed off, you look like an authentic ‘red’ man.” At this point, the guest who has trolled the host, unmercifully, must leave or risk being bludgeoned to death by a tomahawk.


Easily Trolled


Custers-revenge.gif

They get instantly pissed off when someone calls bullshit, especially when true natives laugh in their faces and say things like “Yeah?.. and I’m a fucking Viking. I’ve got a helmet with horns. I bet you’d like to polish my horn? You look like you like polishing horns.” When non-Indians make fun of them, they cry racism. To which, one might say “Put it back in the deck”. Worse yet, they attack anyone, usually in a condescending tone, who puts on the same act with remarks like “It’s insensitive to trivialize Native American culture, just to make yourself seem ‘cool’ and ‘exotic’”. After all, there can only be one magically white-skinned, blue-eyed, red-haired Native American.


Seriously, try listening to an overweight ginger, who says that she’s 100% Native, and keeping a straight face. It’s impossible. Especially after she proceeds to tell the person she is talking to that she “understands your struggle.” These individuals have nearly no clue what they are talking about, particularly when it comes to Native culture and issues, past or current. It makes one wonder, “What the fuck is she putting in that peace pipe?”


Going the Extra Mile

Chris' ceremonial outfit

Some pretendians like to invent new tribes. Chris-chan was gracious enough to introduce the world to the Wasabi clan of the Cherokian nation. Trustworthy internet sources have recorded that they consumed ass loads of green, hot mustard while performing unconscionable acts of rape and incest. The moar one reads, the better it gets!!!


Chris, Calling all Trolls!

Shitting Bull

Notable Pretendians:

  • Elizabeth Warren
  • Ward Churchill
  • Katheryan Shay
  • Margaret Seltzer
  • Chris-Chan

See also

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External Links

Remember to film when trading furs for sex, that way it's porn, not prostitution!!


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