City of Heroes

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City of Heroes was an ugly, lulzy MMORPG with a game population of about 15 people (can I play?), consisting of an 80 year old Chinese man in panties, your mom, and a bunch of errant /b/tards who trolled everyone else. It was cool because it wasn't a run-of-the-mill fantasy MMO, but then everyone realized it was destined to get nerfed to shit like Star Wars Galaxies and stopped playing when their free month was up.

CoX was a superhero themed game, but contrary to this it was actually an online hookup program for horny perverted 40 year old men and the entire population of /d/. Some of them would make a character based somewhat on a superhero and work in mature themes; however, most made catgirls with cocks, tentacles, shapeshifting, and mind control abilities. Others with more repressed sexual tendencies would make children with the same qualities. Meanwhile, the errant /b/tards who miss the old /b/ would sit back and lulz/rage at these pedophiles. If confronted about their sexual tendencies they will infinitely deny it while pretending to have epic battles or secret lesbian futa poker. When confronted with evidence, they would immediately call everyone around them a child, and then their inner pedophile would cause them to become aroused. While most sane human beings will refer to this as "cybersex", they referred to it as "RPing" (roleplaying) This primarily occurred on the Virtue server, which used to be for roleplaying, but was mainly just for quick fucks.

The Game

Routine CoH gameplay.
The cosplay adds 200 pounds.

There were five Origins for your character: Natural, Magic, Science, Mutant, and Technology. Origin did nothing for your stats except give you a shitty themed power that you would never use again after level 10, and they were pretty much exactly the fucking same anyway. The five Archetypes (classes) were as follows:

  • Controller: Psychics, weather-changers, and pet summoners. Usually played by goth chicks and furries.
  • Defender: The whiny healing buffbitch, with powers like Storm and Jean Grey. Defenders were in denial about their jobs as heal bitches, though, and as such they were ridiculously easy to troll--all you had to do was tell them their job was to heal and nothing else for an instant webrage.
  • Scrapper: Batman, Wolverine, and about twenty kinds of swords/martial arts powersets. Basement dwellers became Scrappers to live out their pirate/ninja fantasies.

The game took place in Paragon City, Rhode Island (LOL WUT?). You began the game in a low-level area known as Galaxy City Atlas Park, where you walked around beating up black persons and skinheads for stealing peoples' bikes. Atlas Park was also the site of daily costume contests, and the average player IQ in Atlas was lower than /b/. The last point is redundant. You gained XP and lewt, and advanced in level like any other MMO. The high-level area was Skyway City, where you only went if you were a n00b wanting to be an hero, or if your power level was in excess of nine thousand. There you took on gangs, The Man, otaku, maniacal supervillains, and the entire population of /b/ (the fight you absolutely cannot win).

Enemies in "CoX"

Nemesis- Nemesis was a German jew who was behind every tragedy around the world, from 9/11 to the Holocaust.

Council- Alien Robot Werewolf Vampire Soldiers. Used to be a group of Nazis called the 5th Column until the Devs decided to replace them with a group of Italian fascists and rename them. The leader of the 5th Column was a bad ass alien gestapo named Requiem who had fire powers, but it was later run by some crazy old guy.

Malta- The closest thing to IRL depiction of Anonymous, with an Illuminati twist. Hate metahumans. Everyone hated Malta because they fucked your shit up.

Carnival of Shadows- Group of feminazis who acted like circus performers.

Freakshow- Sex Pistols fanboys who hated The Man. Enjoyed sticking metal into their skin.

Trolls- Former homeless niggers turned into literal fucking trolls via drug abuse. They got back at whitey with human slavery of their own. Srsly.

Crey- Halliburton.

Red Caps- lawn gnomes


Eventually the day came in which the company would give the game what the thousands of butthurt ex-WoW players begged for: PvP. The fans cried out in horror to find that their 1337 builds could only kill a bunch of brain-dead NPCs, while against another player it was the equivalent of watching paint dry since nobody would die. After some research and fapping, a group of basement dwellers found out that certain builds could be better than others and started giving them the term 'FoTM'. Unfortunately, everything went downhill after that since our favorite competitive players overheard the shitstorm and began to fag up another game. Instead of playing through the game, they would get their Fire/Fire Tanker or Fire/Kinetics Controller buddies to power level them to max level and then PvP.

Watching a PvP match was like watching a bunch of black people jump up and down and throw poop. PvEers liked to go into PvP zones and not PvP, instead doing things like earning badges, role play and getting the bonus. Because PvPers actually try to do PvP in PvP zones, PvEers got butthurt and though that they are superior to PvPrs because they "play the real game", but in reality they were too dumb to do anything but fight endless waves of braindead NPCs and too scrubby to compete.

Since the Developers realized that PvP was too shitty and that fixing it would require rewriting the whole game engine, they were lazy fucks and just fixed one thing at a time during every update. PvEers like to claim that PvP was responsible for all the nerfs that ever happened and that the devs spent too much time on PvP, but they just missed being overpowered. With each new issue, PVP got even more massively raped, causing many to leave the game.


The game's updates, or expansions, if you will, were released in little comic-themed units known as Issues. These issues released extensive storylines, zones, player builds, and all around moar sukk.


City of Villans

What most CoV characters look like.

City of Villains was created when everybody remembered that comic book villains were always so much cooler than their pussy hero counterparts. CoV introduced PvP to the game so that heroes could become an heroes after getting raeped by villains. In addition, you could have a lair and keep personal hookers in them, which is way cooler than just having a gang. In City of Villains, you could do fun things like burn books, kidnap and torture school teachers, and bomb buildings.

Archetypes are as follows:

  • Stalker- Your typical stealth bitch. Loved by otakus because they could play ninjas. Hated by all PvEers. Same thing as Scrapper.
  • Brute- The Hulk. Hit stuff and got angry, much like your father after his fifth beer. Same thing as Tanker.
  • Corruptor- Buff bitch. Also can shoot things. No one really cared about that. Exact same thing as a Defender.
  • Mastermind- Only true villain in the game because he makes others do the work for him. Pets range from niggers, dead niggers, robot niggers, nigger slaying mercenaries,ninjas, demon niggers, and animals. Only archetype not carbon copied and modified.

Marvel Comics Lawsuit

At least 100 years ago, Marvel was feeling butthurt over the shittiness of X-Men 2, and sued NCSoft on the grounds of copyright infringement, because everyone in the game was rolling up Storm, Cyclops, Wolverine, or Professor Xavier. NCSoft and the CoH dev team were all like, "lawl, fair use," and they were the clear winnars. Marvel responded by not releasing Marvel Universe Online, which nobody plays because Windows Vista is a god-awful turdcake and only rednecks and retards play XBox Live.

Champions Online

Is the exact same thing with less content.

See Also

External Links

City of Heroes is part of a series on MMORPGs. [Gratz!Ding!]

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Age of ConanAnarchy OnlineCity of HeroesConquer OnlineDark Age of CamelotDarkfallEarth EternalEVE OnlineEverQuestEverQuest IIFinal Fantasy XIFinal Fantasy XIVFree RealmsHero OnlineLifeMapleStoryMinecraftPangyaRagnarok OnlineRuneScapeRuby Dragon EntertainmentSilkroad OnlineStar Wars: The Old RepublicTabula RasaToontownUltima OnlineWikipediaWorld of WarcraftWWII Online


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