Punk is an
identity lifestyle created by teenagers and the homeless hoping to change the world using only a guitar, your mom, piercings and PATCHES. They mostly rally against the Jewnited Gays of Amerikkka by stealing make up and looking angry in the mall. Although they look like pretty cool guys, it's well known that punks cry too, on unwashed pillows with DIY needlework in mint green floss.
DUDE THIS SHIT IS OLDSCHOOL
Punk's origins are often disputed by the only people who care, retards, so not surprisingly none of them can quite make up their minds. Some argue that Punk began in the year of our Lord 1870 with the English band Sex Pistols. Still others claim it was four glue-sniffing New York hipsters with all the Stooges records in a family called the Ramones. Whichever band started punk, neither of them is a winner.
After discovering that they couldn't play musical instruments, the Sex Pistols decided to form a band anyway to troll regular people like your parents, who still suck. They nearly became the ultimate troll, but fucked up by letting their cute bassist become an hero with the punkest drug of all, heroin! Despite this, fans buy their perfume and patches, and still actually listen to their album because they feel street smart when you hear it in their headphones on the bus.
The Ramones started when four retards from Queens had buttsex for drug money and decided, in a pot-induced haze to attempt to make musical sounds. The spark that created punk rock can most likely be found when they discovered that they too could NOT play their instruments, yet despite this, proceeded to try relentlessly for over twenty years. They sold a few dozen albums in the 70s before their members all died...Ha ha (HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS Marky is still alive and shitting up Sirius XM)! Their music is now not cool enough to listen to, but buying their t-shirt from a major outlet store will give you instant street cred!
It should be noted that punk died exactly last year. Nothing is punk anymore, including you. That was the year your teacher bought a Green Day album and Mohawks came back in style with construction workers.
How to BECOME PUNK
- Dress Appropriately:
You need a denim vest with a Casualties patch, Converse or Doc Martin shoes, and a tub of punky color in your hair. The trashier your clothes in general, the better. Do not wear anything that is a brand that is not punk because that is selling out to the man, man
- Know your history. Refer to above. Anyone asks you about punk you tell them that. Keep your street cred, bucko
- BUY BUY BUY! Buy tickets to any show that is punk! Buy merchandise sold as punx rawk! Buy lots and lots of cheap domestic beer and cigarettes. Keep in mind that when you do your punk shopping sprees, disregard the fact that the big punk rawk shows have corporate sponsors. That will only fuck up your message about STICKING IT TO THE MAN!
- Quit your job. If you have a job, give your boss the finger or fuck his daughter. If you don't have a job, quit looking and get on welfare you idiot.
- Travel in packs and use your teen angst to mask that you're actually a fucking pussy that is incapable of winning a fight.
- Remember, you're here to smash the state! Join a protest or play in a really shitty band. Challenge all people on their definition of reality.
Life Cycle of a Punk
- Poseur: You are a Poseur. You just found out about Blink 182 on MTV, or you may have just learned about a totally obscure band from the internet. You are too elite to hang out with your former non-Punk peers, yet too fresh to become part of the punk elite.
The Poseur repeatedly speaks of their favorite Pop-Punk groups, Hot Topic, and current hair style. The Poseur will frequently misuse punk and thinks that sporting X's on their hands is a fashion statement not a social one.
The Poseur attempts to emulate tr00 punx, so the only way to discriminate is to ask them questions about the bands they like. If all they know are a couple songs by the Casualties and Rancid, they're a Poseur. Placing the final nail in the Poseur's coffin, he dreams of attending Vans Warped Tour, despite the fact that the event is funded by a corporation which probably exploits sweatshop labor.
- Punk Rocker: After floundering their way through punk subculture, the Poseur evolves into a Punk Rocker!!!. They begin to understand that government = evil and that either Anarchism or Socialism is the way of the future. This complex choice of political ideology is dependent on both personal preference and current employment (or lack thereof). The punk rocker is always pro equality and yet hates business men, posers, women, and your dad.
The Punk Rocker typically knows the local punk venues and a dozens shitty bands. The Punk Rocker preys on Poseurs, effectively imitating his then-oppressors. Understand the importance of fashion in punk rock, they may spend upwards of 10 minutes making their hair as ugly as possible and ensuring all patches are still sewn onto their jacket.
This is also the time that a punk will either develop their alcoholism, start a shitty band, or both. When handing out change, do not give it to the punk rocker because he will spend it on booze and band shirts, and it will justify their belief in anarchy, possible deforming them in to a...
- Hardcore (homeless!) Punk: After discovering Adbusters, an overexposure to Anarchy, and hanging out with Crusties for at least one month, the Punk Rocker subscribes to the belief that through collectivist action, peace can be achieved, effectively achieving Enlightenment.
Enlightened Punks preach the teachings of Chomsky and have fiery indignation towards Michael Moore's and their favorite band's latest targets. If exposed to hippies, the Enlightened Punk will insist that peaceful protest will change the world. If otherwise, the police will frequently apprehend the Enlightened Punk for inciting riots.
Exposed to feminism by proxy, the Enlightened Punk insists that "womyn" would be better off dead than live under an evil, fascistic, patriarchal, imperialist government. In congruence to feminism, the Enlightened Punk becomes involved with the gay rights movement, believing that homosexuality is both exotic and subversive. Additionally, in spite of the DAMN NIGGA, the Enlightened ones insist on multicultural societies where big bad whitie can never oppress people.
Many eBay their leather jackets and turn vegan at this stage, still many others go homeless, but they still smoke because spending money to support corporations and taxes is fine if it's not convenient enough to quit doing so. At this point, they listen only to vinyl Anarcho-Punk/Crust Punk records, as digital technology represents barcoded corporate world domination).
- Yuppie: After becoming aware that the world will not squat with him in protest towards multinational corporations and/or failing to abort at least one child, the Enlightened Punk decides to throw in the towel and put the college education that his parents paid for to use.
At first, it will become increasingly difficult to find work, as squatting and actively seeking to destroy the government doesn't have reassuring effect on employers. When the Enlightened Punk finally does find work, he will evolve into the White-Collar Yuppie, and the paycheck rat race begins for him.
The Yuppie will work for a big company that lets him listen to anti-corporate punk rock on his iPod. He will tone down his political ideology and subscribe to traditional liberal politics; demonstrating this transformation, his minivan (which his home owner's association allows) will be plastered with pro-Democrat and/or anti-W bumper stickers. The Yuppie reminisces fondly of the Ramones to maintain a public-friendly, non-offensive appearance. Desperate to ensure his children will not travel down the same path he did, the Yuppie will always attend the Pop-Punk concerts his children nagged him to go to. NOTE: The aforementioned will ONLY happen if the Enlightened Punk manages to find a job; if not, then he quits IRL.
- Construction Workers
If the Enlightened Punk failed to obtain a diploma through their alcoholism and smashing of the state, they may become yet another general laborer. Many punks end the cycle of punk rock here, comfortably working in a dead end blue collar job until they end up on pension or workers compensation.
Punk spawned numerous genres within the shitty subculture, creating a schism between the different fans.
Oi! / Streetpunk
Deciding that working in a factory sucked ass, working class men grouped together to form bands that incessantly bitched about how hard their lives were, and thus named their new created music called, Oi!, which is Cockney for Hello. When lyrics didn't cover their day-to-day routine, they sang about getting drunk, being macho, etc. The genre turned ugly after a few fully conscious Oi! fans listened to Hitler speeches, which resulted bands creating White Power Oi!. Lulz ensued when a few hypersensitive fucks got butthurt because drunk Nazis began attending their shows. From that, anti-racists had to fuck everything up by forming leftard groups such as SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice, Red/Anarchist SkinHeads, and other such faggotry.
Hardcore kids aren't intolerant, they only beat up rednecks or Nazis
Hardcore punk is shitty music. Its structure is quite simple so that no one needs to learn their instruments. Drummers play two beats while the guitarists and bassists play awesome powerchords ad infinitum. The singer may choose to yell about STRAIGHTEDGE and fighting or walk around cutting himself and howling in to the microphone. Hardcore punk is a way for emos and other failures at life to feel badass in tank-tops and jorts.
Breakdowns are a pivotal part of hardcore music. They occur when a song is slowed down, making only JUN JUN JUN-JUN noises, giving punx time to spin kick and prove how gay they are. When some fat fuck in basketball shorts and an Emmure shirt jumps onto the stage and yells into the microphone "FUCK. SHIT. UP!!!!!11" you know that band is fucking amazing.
Hardcore kids judge the quality of the music by the frequency, length and quality of breakdowns as opposed to the actual music itself. To win at a breakdown you need to look like a downs kid getting tasered.
Mr. Bean gives us a perfect example of a breakdown.
tl;dr, fast, disorganized music with retards flailing their arms in lieu of mosh pits.
OMG! Teh anarchy!!!!!1111one11
Anarcho-Punk is music by musicians that actually believes in Anarchism. Convinced they invented Punk because of their political views, Anarchos are distinctively marked as the most annoying subculture within Punk. Most of them adopt collectivist/communitarian views, thinking that the world can be one big happy family if there was no evil fascist government to enforce rules upon the public.
Back in the 70's, Crass, an English Anarcho-Punk band decided that the civilized world had become too rich by fucking over most of the third world. Convinced that owning land is equivalent to owning slaves, Crass took it upon themselves to squat in some shitty farm out in Essex and make even shittier music.
Conveniently, Crass overlooked that living in the first world afforded them the luxury of squatting, rather than having to legitimately fend for themselves AND the third world governments would never allow them to spew their discontents had they actually lived there. Tragically, their fans completely disregarded their idols' hypocrisy and followed in their footsteps; thus, Anarcho-Punk was born, inspiring leagues of bands to fail epically.
Anarcho-Punk would eventually birth a child known as Crust Punk
One whiff of a Crusty's stench will give you G.R.I.D.S.
Crust Punk is loud, abhorrent shit attempting to be both metal and punk. Their fans, known as Crusties, suffer from excessive unwarranted self-importance and are convinced they are serious business. Crust Punk lyrics are always about fighting fascism, yet they will go ape shit on anybody that that is somehow less righteous than themselves.
As time progressed on into the 80's, a bunch of shitty bands thought it would be cool to fuse both heavy metal and Anarcho-Punk. Originally, this form of music was called Stenchcore, because when you squat for months without showering, you're going to fucking kill everyone around you with your awful stench. Supposedly, it was then called Crust from the title of some band called Hellbastard's demo, but that's a bunch of crap; it's really because the shit in their fingernails have crusted over.
If not suffering from unquenchable guilt from living in a first world country, Crusties are invariably haughty moralists determined to convert non-believers to Anarchism. They're best known whining about something like women's rights, minority rights, gay rights, animal rights, teh fascist United States government, global warming, stupid white men, and more stuff.
Crusties preach at everyone that questions or opposes their high moral misanthropy. Most of them are radical feminists, going as far as to deliberately misspell "woman" using a "y" and refusing to shave their underarms and legs. Of note, most of them suffer from incurable levels of white guilt, believing all blacks to be oppressed by the man.
Crusties are vegetarian/vegan, since they're too faggy to go out and hunt. Despite their sissified nature, this doesn't stop them from participating with the ALF, wantonly destroying animal testing facilities that might come up with a cure to save their ass. Crusties are best known for Food Not Bombs.
Pop-punk is where the shit starts to get real hardcore. All other sub genres of punk are just striving to be at this level. Examples of hardcore pop punkers, are Green Day, Blink-182 and Sum 41. There is not many other pop-punk bands as they are an elite group. In order to be considered pop-punk you must be voted in by a council of punk legends, which includes Billie Joe Armstrong, Jerry Garcia, Lars Ulrich, Bootsy Collins, and the rest have asked to remain anonymous.
There has been much speculation as to why it is referred to as "pop-punk", and not real-punk, or True-punk, but there is however a answer to this. The reason it is referred to as pop-punk, is because real punkers have a great sense of irony, and pop-punk is often translated to popular punk. The irony in that is that pop punk bands are almost always very obscure, and only open minded individuals can truly enjoy this great music, as it is is often very intricate, and complex in composition. It is also widely know that making pop-punk music requires a vast knowledge of music theory, and a good sense of creativity, which is why there is so many great, drummers, guitarist, and bassists, that come from pop-punk roots.
An ugly Feminist by the name of Kathleen Hanna (moar liek Manna, amirite) was upset with punk's existence and merged feminist politics with bad music and college rock, thus creating the Riot Grrl! movement. Unfortunately, sissified "men" actually rewarded the Riot Grrls with intellectual credence they never deserved. Little did these men realize that women don't suffer more, THEY JUST CRY LOUDER!
Troll Riot Grrls by commenting on Bikini Kill video with "ok now get back in the kitchen." This produces many lulz and may even make an hero of one of these single ladies.
Ways to Troll a Punk
- Describe how the lyrics make reference to Jesus or the bible. For an added bonus explain how the band is actually Christian rock because some of the members are Christian themselves.
- Tell Anti-Racist Oi! Punks they look like Nazis.
- Tell them that My Chemical Romance/Blink-182/Simple Plan/Sum 41 are teh most hXc band evar!
- Tell them that their brightly colored mohawks make them look gay.
- Mention that your favorite punk band is Green Day. bonus points if you say they're not mainstream.
- Say that Billie Joe Armstrong is a better guitarist than D. Boon.
- Tell them Rodney King had it coming.
- Tell them anarchism and socialism are at opposite ends of the spectrum
- Tell them that Henry Rollins is in the closet.
- Tell them that their profane existence is responsible for the massacre of poor innocent vegetables.
- Joke about the Falkland Islands, rape, slavery, or the Holocaust.
- Tell them that the Holocaust didn't happen.
- "How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb? None, punks never changed anything."
- Ask them how much their parents paid for their car/clothes/haircut.
- Say Disco should have won in the Late 70's.
- Crapflood their forums with racial slurs and racist macros.
- Tell them that because they are not singing right, they are not a legitimate form of music.
- When debating, always call them out on their "hypocrisy". This especially works when they complain about their "rights;" they seek rights from governments they wish to destroy. (this Probably won't work, as Just because they wish to destroy something, doesn't mean they wouldn't also try to improve it.)
- Tell them women deserved to get raped, and also that men are the superior sex.
- Tell them how bad Sid was at the bass.
- Accuse Riot Grrls of matriarchy.
- Tell Crusties they should shower moar often.
- Criticize any/all of their activism.
- Publish their zines on used toilet paper
- Tell them that Avril Levigne is more hardcore than Sid Vicious.
- Go on and on and on about the Clash.
- Tell them that Girl Punk is nothing but angry women screaming about having to sleep on the wet spot.
- Tell them how Billy Idol epitomizes punk.
- Tell them that Japanese/J-Punk is the shit.
- GG Allin
- Heavy metal
- Food Not Bombs
- Steal This Wiki
- Straight Edge
- Pop punk
- Punk Rock Porno!
- Diagram of a Punk
- Profane Existence: Typical Anarchist Threat Site
- Profane Existence message board
- Punk Connect forum
- Ox Blood Oi! Forum (lol-cow city)
- Potential lol-cow
- Another good lol-cow (crapflood with fun images of animal cruelty for massive lulz)
- hXc isn't just for fgts
- hXc dancing is OMG SRS BIZNSS
- OMGZ! Real hardcore gangsterz! (For the lulz)
- Hardcore kids filming each other beating the fuck out of Nazis! It raises the question: Which is worse?
- troll this for epic lulz
- If you're in Pittsburgh or live near there troll this faggot.
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|Featured article September 17, 2005|