This article is much funnier when you cannot understand it.
Pussyhawks (Pilluhaukat in finnish) is an organisation from the city Tampere, Finland. The members of this organization can be recognized by their use of tight clothes and vulgar language. They all share a common goal: to find as many partners as possible to engage in copulation with. The organization rules prohibit commitment and dating.
This article and all of the Eurofags described and pictured below are perfect examples of trying too fucking hard.
Rules and Requirements
Members of the organization are required to prove that they have committed the following five acts:
- The member must commit a homosexual act to prove their faith to men. Proceeding to intercourse however is not allowed.
- The member must have sex with a considerably younger girl. Pussyhawks do not however condone progressing towards pedophilia.
- The member must commit adultery. Sex with a woman proven married or spoken for is the most important of requirements. A member who has committed such an act is rewarded by the organization with a button that depicts a broken engagement ring.
- A member must commit some act that can be classified as a bizzarre porn. A popular deed among the members is the insertion of one's fist into a vagina. The so-called fisting is rewarded with a button that describes a fist clenching a prison bar.
- A member must masturbate while another member is having sex in the same room. This is a rule that every member must follow.
Pussyhawks pay very much attention to their appearance. 90% of the members are metrosexual. Pussyhawks can be recognized by their elegant and hawk-like body language. The organization states that their members "glide amongst the masses." Pussyhawks has it's own kind of drug culture. Their members are known for their extensive alcohol consumption which however is not enough for some members and substances such as intoxicating mushrooms have stepped in to play.
The Members can be recognized by the buttons hanging from their clothes. These buttons are an insignia of rank of sorts, and at least ten different buttons are known to exist. The most valued of the insignia is the "cuffs" which is awarded for copulating with a younger girl.
The most prominent Pussyhawks member Niko "Bug" Haapoja rose to fame following the Ikuri-Scandal. He is known for his personal style of wearing Batistini-shirts and his growling during sex which he himself calls "the luv roar." Bug Haapoja is commonly seen with one of the most decorated pussyhawk, Jiri "ZicoMagica" Pihlaja. Jiri "ZigoMagica" Pihlaja is the only pussyhawk who boasts over ten handcuff buttons.
The Ikuri Case
Ikuri is a part of Tampere known for its particularily cunning young girls. Pussyhawks are known to have gotten into trouble with Ikurians several times. First the distinguished member ZicoMagica resigned from the pussyhawks to achieve a relationship with a very low quality girl born in 1991. This event lead to a despair amongst the Pussyhawks, and only the actions of a respected former member Mikko "Coach" Heikkilä kept the pussyhawks together.
At least a year later however, Mikko "Coach" Heikkilä also left the pussyhawks to endulge in a relationship with an Ikurian young girl. During this time when Mikko "Coach" Heikkilä was building a relationship, an era known as the "Ikuri Scandal" started.
After receiving full membership after numerous encounters with underage girls, "Niko "Bug" Haapoja lost is direction seriously. Niko "Bug" Happoja drifted in an almost unexplainable way into a relationship with the most notorious Ikurian girl, "Miss-K."
As a young Pussyhawk, Niko "Bug" Haapoja let his guard down, and two weeks later he was faced with unfound allegations of rape and almost going underground to lay low while Ikuri was growing with hate towards the Hawks.
However, during two months, Jiri "ZicoMagica" Pihlaja managed to infiltrate Miss-K:s Inner Circle and with a phonecall most significant in the history of the Pussyhawks, managed to obtain important information to save the reptutation of Niko "Bug" Haapoja.
Niko "bug" Haapoja managed to overthrow the rape accusations that had pained him for months. After the Ikuri Case the Hawks unveiled what they call the Stage-system.
Stage system was created to divide women into stages. There are ten stages. The higher the stage, the more difficult it is to have sex with the woman. The stage system is as follows:
- Stage1 - Despisable level. Fats or girls with bad skin. The only type of girl that would sleep with a Pussyhawk faggot.
- Stage2 - Somewhat better level for girls lower than average.
- Stage3 - As above, but the woman/girl is a virgin.
- Stage4 - A girl who possesses some taste and appearance - Yet not quite worth the trouble to pussyhawks.
- Stage5 - As above, but virgin.
- Stage6 - The first respectable level. Stage 6 girls are beautiful and willing.
- Stage7 - Classification for remarkably beautiful specimens. Virgins are rated with a special rating of 7.1.
- Stage8 - A stage for females who have achieved renown for their looks. The first stage worthy of a button.
- Stage9 - The Beautiful woman Stage. No Pussyhawk has yet achieved this stage. Another button stage.
- GameOver - An impossible stage. Includes women such as Nelly Furtado, J-Lo and the sister of Air for Life
To avoid misunderstandings, they appear in the article with codenames.
Snake, a well endowed hockey player - very succesful among young girls. Has stated his interest towards Pussyhawks.
Air For Life, known for his bold attempt to penetrate sahara - a really dry vagina. Pussyhawks will accept him as a member as soon as he has proven to be able to consume notable amounts of alcohol.
Mikko "Coach" Heikkilä, will join the Pussyhawks again when the relationship ends? Known for being the catalyst for the Sonja chain reaction.
Jiri "ZicoMagica" Pihlaja is known to have created the basis for pussyhawks' life philosophy. He created the basics of Pussyhawks' mystical side that is often related to modern satan worshipping. He's an open fan of Black Metal music and is known to provoke younger members into more egocentric and aggressive Pussyhawk lifestyle. He is known to have established the Pussyhawk philosphy with the following sentences:
- "Never ask for anything you can't have," which refers to determination and the obsession for sexual intercourse - "The world is really an ocean with millions of fish for us hakws - let these fish be called Pussies." Which he uses to describe his life philosophy. - "The prey should be given an orgasm, or else it may stab you in the back," Emphasizing the importance of lovemaking skill in the lives of elder Pussyhawks. - "STD is a sign of brave hawk," as Pussyhawks are against any other form of contraceptives but pills. - "Quantity over Quality, experience beats enthusiasm and determination will break any defense," Pussyhawk wisdowm often criticized as an illusion of grandeur and objectifying women. - "Whenever pussy is concerned, too much is just too little" speaks for itself.
Normal way to get a membership is a special invitation. To get one, one must be very involved in the mating scene. Usually Pussyhawks sends preferred individuals a letter with the hawk logo in the upper-right corner. Pussyhawks can not monitor all potential members though, and if someone believes he is able to live Pussyhawk life and his looks and actions match the criteria, he must send an application to Pussyhawks via E-mail.
The E-mail must have a picture of the Initiate attached or perhaps a link to a website on the internets. The E-mail must also state the applicants age as Pussyhawks is for men over 16 only, first names of previous sex partners that can be proven, the applicants name and of course a brief explanation of why the applicant should be initiated.
Most of the applications are not even worth reading, but all initiates will be told as soon as possible whether they are approved or not.
Applications can be sent to [email protected] (Also feel free to sign this tryhard faggot up for horse porn, penis enlargement ads, furry mailing lists, etc.)
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