Quest 64

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The hero of Quest 64

Quest 64 is one of the two RPGs released for the Nintendo 64, and it was complete and utter dog shit. It was released for the sole purpose of tricking 13 year old boys into thinking that the Nintendo SIX-T-FOUR games would be in more than two genres. They should have known better because "Quest 64" is the apex of generic video game titles.

This game is possibly a sequel to the NES game, "Mystery Quest," also the worst game ever.


The prime objective of this game is to find your father and go to various areas in Celtland where you will use your magic stick to open chests which may or may not contain the key to the boss room. Eventually you come face to face with your arch-nemesis named Mammon, who looks like a mutated moth with an extra chromosome.

One prime feature of this game is to shove the controller pack three inches into your urethra so your game gets sixteen extra textures for your hero's costume. He can look like a plantation slave, a giant pair of microfiber tweed assless chaps, or a map of Gooch Plunder, Utah.

When attempting to interact with a door, NPC, or other element of game play, the player is only given one option on the action menu: "copulate."

After defeating the boss, the game freezes at the end title screen. This triggers the game cartridge's self-destruct mechanism and pages a nearby vagrant to collect the remains.

Many gamers have critiqued several elements of gameplay:

  • The player has virtually no opportunities to become an hero.
  • You had to shell out an extra $30 for a controller pack if you actually wanted to save your game.
  • Every five minutes a sexy woman reminds you, in 64 bit detail, that you'll die a virgin.
  • The system of experience and levelling through the required "prybism" mini-game.
  • ????

See Also

Quest 64 is part of a series on
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Nintendo Entertainment SystemSuper NintendoGame Boy AdvanceVirtual BoyNintendo 64GamecubeNintendo DSWiiWii UNintendo Switch

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