R. Lee Ermey
R. Lee Ermey is an older gentleman made up of about 35% badassery, 39% win, and 26% anger. Ermey has made a living out of rehabilitating scroungy fucks who, quite often, are completely disillusioned, unfunny, and unfit. As such, R. Lee Ermey is to be considered the ultimate tool when dealing with trolls; their tactics cannot block out his square-jawed fury, and his eyes have never been recorded blinking on film. AHH TENN SHUN!
IRL Tough Guy
Ermey is an outspoken IRL Tough Guy, having served in the U.S. Marine Corps in Vietnam for 14 months of his life, where he roamed the jungles, screaming at and killing AZN guys and raping their women. After sufficiently traumatizing Vietnamese families for generations, R. Lee Ermey went to Japan, serving two tours of duty, unleashing his righteous fury on all the Japanese soldiers. This is accepted as FACT by the world at large, although the timing doesn't really add up. In the 1970s, after decades of service and vitriolic abuse of painkillers, he was forcefully retired due to injuries sustained during GLORIOUS BATTLE.
After retirement, he took his IRL philosophies and successfully translated them onto the Silver Screen, spreading his message to trolls and internet fucktards on a scale never before possible.
Illustrious Movie Career
Since retiring from service, R. Lee Ermey has been in at least 100 movies, and plays the same fucking character in all of them. His roles include:
- Angry Yelling Army Guy in Full Metal Jacket
- Angry Yelling Army Guy in The Boys in Company C
- Former Angry Yelling Army Guy in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes.
- Angry Yelling Army Guy in Purple Hearts
- Angry Yelling Army Guy's Voice in The Simpsons, Toy Story, Spongebob and other Anime shit.
- Dead Angry Yelling Army Guy in The Frighteners
He can look into the eye of danger and not avert his gaze.
Why he is better than you
- However tall you are, they don't stack shit that high.
- You are not even a human fucking being. You are nothing but an unorganized grabastic piece of amphibian shit.
- It does not matter if you're a nigger, kike, wop or greaser. You are all equally worthless.
- You're the kind of person that would fuck a guy in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him the reach-around.
- You are the slimy little communist shit twinkletoe cocksucker who just signed his own death warrant.
- You are unable to shit Tiffany cuff-links.
- You climb obstacles like old people fuck.
- The best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.
- You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get.
- Do you suck dicks? (Obviously, yes.)
- God Bless America.
- He has your name, he has your ass. You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers, he will teach you. You had best unfuck yourself...or...
- He will unscrew your head and shit down your neck.
- His videos are quotable.
- He doesn't allow fried chicken and watermelon to be served on a daily basis in his mess hall
- You can come over to his house and fuck his sister.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell/Beating up English fockers
Ermey, as a completely fucking insane right-winger, has an extensive record of bashing the gay and Jewish communities, striving for a better tomorrow through the power of old man rage. Because of his long-practiced activism, he was challenged to an altercation by a young, to-this-day anonymous liberal britfag whose parents moved him to America. A quote from the young man's blog:
—Britfag of Chicago, apparently
On a tour for his involvement in the comedy Saving Silverman, sure enough, R. Lee Ermey stopped by Chicago, near enough to this asshole's neighborhood. Consequently, the crumpet-jockey threw a rock at Ermey, who proceeded to whip out a fucking nightstick and make him pay... or so one would think. The police report claims that Ermey shoved the young kipper-sucking faggot into the sharp corner of a heavy table, resulting in a crimson gash across his face.
Selling Out for Car Insurance
Our hero one day turned over 9000 years old, and decided that he wasn't filthy rich enough from acting to take his fortune to the afterlife with him, so he went to Geico. Geico decided it would be funny to have him play the role of a therapist, using washed-out versions of his old insults; instead of calling somebody a stupid piss-powered ball polisher mongoloid and threatening to skullfuck them, they opted to have him call people crybabies and Jackwagons.
Other IRL Tough Guys
- Billy Mays
- Vladimir Putin
- Tony Stark
- Ty Cobb
- Mel Gibson
- John Locke
- BILLY MAYS
- Chuck Norris
- Janet Reno
IT'S THE FUCKING GALLERY, NUMBNUTS!
Ermey's long lost brother, Sgt. Slaughter
|Featured article August 9 & 10, 2012|
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