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/r9k/'s Only Raid

/r9k/ is well known as a board accustomed to failure. It even extends to articles about /r9k/ failure such as this one, created in newfaggy ignorance of the total destruction rained upon the islamchanneltv forum after a little 1337 h4xx work left /r9k/ the only ones able to log in, and with full admin rights to boot. But hey, newfags going to newfag. Pray continue with the tale of your era's failure.

But few were capable of conceiving of a colossal fuck up of the magnitude of /r9k/'s apparently first (and last) raid. It all began one fateful evening on May 12th, 2010, when the regulars of the perpetually un-internet-savvy board decided that they were in fact someone's personal army. Rather than venomously attacking the twat who posted the following message, /r9k/ felt their collective heart strings twang:


Hey Anon,

I know we've never met but I'm asking you for a huge personal favor in the form of a personal army. There is a website that is destroying the community at my college by allowing people to post stuff anonymously about others. People regularly bash each other and its destroying friendships left and right. Can you help by posting random bullshit on the sight? I figure, if the site is flooded with randomness it will lose its appeal as a gossip center. Thanks Annon! I love you.

Here is the site:



Holy shit, zero apathy!

Exhibiting the generous acceptance that lead to the board becoming over-run with threads paraphrasing teenage angst, /r9k/ set to work on attacking the site with abandon. It was a blast from a distant past. Some anons set to spamming the small community forum with fairly classic obscenities, while others set to work uncovering the details of members of the college by cross-referencing the list of first names provided by OP. Things were going swimmingly, non-spam threads were fast receding and /r9k/'s little baby raid caught its first victim: the delightfully illiterate 'rebecca.'


guys stop spamming please its harrassment and it's illegal. this is also for cal poly students only, i don't know who all of you are but i find those commenst disturbing. please leave


Sensing potential that stirred up the dusty blood of the ex-internet-hate-machine, /r9k/'s task force quickly responded with derisive laughs, goading taunts, statements about rebecca's bucket-like vagina and comments about her allegedly homosexual boyfriend. Things just kept getting better as rebecca took the bait again and again:



harrassing our website isn't legal and neither is the language. I've sent an email to IT requesting that all of you be banned and I hope you all feel sorry when your ISP restricts your internet access because of what your doing.

enjoy, Rebecca


Shit Gets Real

Threats of police action were too much to handle and /r9k/ collectively doubled over with laughter. The volume of spam increased to an impressive amount, including links to viruses cleverly lifted from spam sent by anontalk to 4chan, until finally, the cherry on the cake emerged:

OH MY GOD GUIZ DEY THINK WE ARE FROM EBAUMS. Hilarious. Said IT team proceeded to do fucking nothing, allowing for /r9k/'s robots to create duplicates on this clearly inferior anonymous board in order to throw rebecca and her ilk off the scent. These ranged from cleverly switching 'do not delete System 32' to 'delete System 32' or even more cleverly: to encourage people not to delete system 32 in a BADLY PHRASED AND SPELT MANNER, JUST LIKE HACKERS, AMIRITE? Rebecca, the sole occupant of the board other than a legion of trolls was confused and afraid due to the mixed messages, which included:


Security Warning -- Cal Poly ITS


We apologize for the security issues we've been having with this official Cal Poly message board.

It would seem that we can't do jack shit about this situation and advise you all to fuck off home and stop bitching about your classmates.

The authorities have been contacted and subsequently laughed in our face.

Thank you,

ITS Service Desk [email protected] http://servicedesk.calpoly.edu


/r9k/ was back to what it always should have been: scholarly gentlemen damaging other people's internet property and building true camaraderie as a result. Robots were causing angst, not propagating it. Revolution is said to be a return to the past, and what a beautiful past it was. Rebecca continued in her pleas for reason, fueling the fire by apparently believing that anon had HACKED the IT department rather than just imitated it. Her stupidity was palpable, victory was at hand!


Wait, what? Oh fuck, I think we just lost the game.

Realization dawned and it was painful. Rebecca was nothing more than a marvelous bastard troll, native to /r9k/ itself! And if rebecca was in fact a devious cunt of an anon who had been taking everyone for a ride... then who alerted IT? Anon put it best in the thread on the topic. Read through this to see with your own eyes a downward spiral of misery:

"Wait, 'rebecca' was a troll? Trolls have trolled trolls? wat"

"That would also mean that someone faked the IT department intervention. Which means nobody saw our shenanigans but us. Wow."

"I feel foolish."

"I'm just gonna go a head and say i'm now confused by this whole thing."

"We trolled each other into a black hole on a website that isn't frequented by anybody. Wow."

"Fucking hell dude. I imagined at least a few people deleting system32. Well played anon, well played."

"So, /r9k/'s first raid was a total farce? We really cannot do anything right, guys. Damn..."

"It was more than farcical. It was self contained. WE RAIDED OURSELVES."

"Fucking typical when you think about it."

"No way, the IT post must have been legit. Who would be so brilliant and handsome as to come up with that?"

"To be fair, the ebaums thing was a little too classic. Fuck all people were even directing attention there. And the real IT guys would have just frozen the site, wouldn't they?"

"I wish I could do a facepalm for the entire board, but one for myself will have to suffice."

"My hands only leave my face so I can document my lamentation."

"I think this whole ordeal kinda sums up /r9k/."

"Failing at failing sums up /r9k/."


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