|HOLY FUCK... EARTHQUAKE!|
Adelaide is the capital city of the state of South Australia and is commonly regarded as the murder capital of Australia. This title is given to Adelaide not due to the volume of murders, but due to the clever antics of Adelaide's finest serial killers. Adelaide has more serial killers per capita than any other city in Australia. Ironically, Adelaide is the only Australian capital city NOT founded by convicts. Known for more cannibalism than any other state in Australia, it also has discovered the final solution to the emo problem (see Carlie Ryan). The city is also home to numerous meth labs, pill cooks and street pharmacists with drug users making up 86.392 percent of the population. When going out at night this is especially evident by the apparent low intelligence, limited vocabulary and highly dilated pupils of the locals seen throughout the city.
History of Adelaide
The original occupants of the area now known as Adelaide were a bunch of nekked Aboriginal people known as the Kaurna. The Kaurna were swiftly pwned by a black hater called Colonel William Light. Colonel William Light and his merry band of men were sent forth by the good Queen to conquer new lands as far as possible from the rest of the filthy convict based cities of Australia.
City of Churches
Adelaide is also known as the City of Churches, due to the unbelievable amount of God fearing peons in the region. Around every corner is a church of some persuasion. Not surprisingly, Adelaide also has a hefty history of child pedophilia caused by hornbag priests wanting MOAR HEAD. It is also a commonly known fact that it is perfectly fine to beat and molest orphans if they reside in Adelaide church dormitories. A common misconception is that due to South Australia's high number of churches, the state is a very religious one. This is not the case. In fact, the high number of churches is a necessity in order to cope with all the funerals as a result of the high number of murders that take place in South Australia.
Adelaide children are doomed from birth. Although the occasional bright spark pops out from Adelaide, the general population are dimwitted buffoons capable of only drinking beer, using meth/popping pills and watching car racing. In this plethora of numb thought, the brighter students often resort to heavy marijuana usage (which Adelaide has thankfully decriminalized) in order to fit in and deal with the rest of the dumb fucks.
- Alex James
- The Beaumont Children: In B4 Maddie. Pwnd since 1966.
- Bevan Spenser von Einem: Accountant, notorious child killer and pedo thought to be involved in the disappearance of the Beaumont Children and The Family Murders. Writes kiddie porn stories from behind bars. Eligible for parole NOW so have fun!
- Carly Ryan
- David Thorne
- Garry Francis Newman
- Jake Hocking
- James Miller: Responsible for the Truro Murders. brb, dying.
- John Bunting, Robert Wagner, Mark Haydon, James Vlassakis: Killed at least 11 people and stored the bodies in acid-filled barrels in an old bank vault.
- Kate Miller: Known for hosting the most epic party known to mankind.
- Kevin Foley: Rann's
kind and caringretarded right-hand man. Refers to himself in third-person in interviews.Also apparently likes to hit on underaged loli on nights out, then get butthurt when he gets punched.
- Mark Errin Rust: Murdered 16 year old Japanese schoolgirl Megumi Suzuki and dumped her body in a garbage dump.
- Michelle Chantelois: American whore and self-proclaimed former lover of Labor head-honcho Mike Rann. Noted acts include fucking in the house chambers and in Rann's office. Her former husband would later go on to assault Rannkipz with a rolled up newspaper
- Mike Rann: This SA Premier is over 9,000 years old. Respected by his peers for his several years of hard work and dedication towards putting Adelaide on the map.
- Nick Xenophon: Critically acclaimed government troll and hater of all things pokies and alco-pops. Known for his political media stunts and getting up the goat of the labor party.
- Patrick Conlon: Ironically nicknamed "Fix it Pat" because his influence makes everything worse. Responsible for Adelaide's trams that run in neither hot nor cold weather.
Adelaide people consider going to the multicultural Central Markets to be one of Adelaide's significant cultural experiences. In reality, the markets stink like decaying fish.
Arts funding in South Australia has severely decreased over the last decade and, as a result, artists have been forced to adopt a DIY mentality. Of course, we all know DIY is just a cheap excuse for fail. These artists tend to be unwashed hippies who turn up to gallery exhibitions and post-show functions for the free food, alcohol and the chance to wash their armpits in the venue's bathroom. Female artists are the worst, leaving their armpits completely unshaven and developing light mustaches on their upper lips. The annual Adelaide Fringe Festival is touted as being one of the world's premiere Fringe Festivals, but in reality it is just an excuse for foreign comedians to fuck the native unshaven wimmin.
The music scene in Adelaide has, like most music scenes, been overrun with the bratty emo kids who seem to thoroughly enjoy their emotive screaming. The metal scene putters along unnoticed (as it always does) whilst the indie faps are off displaying their scarves to one another. Seriously, how long can canvas shoes last?
Adelaide Cultural Points of Interest
- The Mall's Balls: Yes, somehow this city is overly proud of large metallic balls (see thumb).
- Central Markets: Full of tasty cake and om nom nom nom. The entire place smells like decaying vagina.
- Maslins Beach: Australia's first nudist beach and Adelaide's beacon to old nekked d00ds.
- Fowlers Live: skeezy music venue with shithouse sound.
- Crown and Anchor Hotel: Goth-o-rama. Occasionally the emotards join in.
- Enigma Bar: Common hangout for sufferers of emo & faggots.
- Mars Bar: Brimming with juicy man love.
- The World's End:
One of the few quality pubs in town.Turned to fucking shit and now catering to upper-class bogans.
- Grace Emily: Congregation area for middle aged unwashed "artists".
Largest clubin Adelaide, it's wog central and generally packed to the brim with popped-collar failures fucked off their faces on what they call pills, but is just pressed caffeine with a hint of paracetamol.
- HEAVEN THE R3TURN!!111: Sadly it's true. Reopened for all of Adelaide's teen fashion disasters and wannabe guidos. Weirdly enough, with it only been open a few months, already smells like rotting vagina and unwashed wog inside.
Earth:Now closed due to epic fail. Sad ravers & Centerlink enthusiasts now have to venture elsewhere.
- Adelaide Trams: All aboard the suffocation express! The trams have killed or maimed up to 75 people this year.
- MSY Technology: utilizing Chinese labor to bring you cheap computer parts.
- Snowtown: A barrel of laughs.
- The Pancake Kitchen: 24hr om nom nom. Plus, they stream a live webcam feed of their restaurant 24/7 so you can enjoy watching fat fucks eat their pancakes any time you want.
One of the few things Adelaide does right is beer. In particular, Coopers Beer. This tasty nectar is brewed in Adelaide and owned by the Cooper family, one of the few Adelaide families to own more than one trailer home! On the other end of town is the West End Brewery where cheap, pov cunt beer is "brewed" (still impossible to differentiate between West End beer and urine). Chances are that if you are ever unfortunate enough to spend time in Adelaide you will require copious amounts of Cooper's nectar to see you through it.
Every city has it's ghettos. Several Adelaide suburbs to avoid like the plague:
- Salisbury: WORST BY FAR, AVOID AT ALL COST. Site of the infamous Hollywood Plaza shopping center where odds of escaping with your wallet, a will to live and without a needle stick injury are extremely slim.
- Castle Plaza: Some gay shopping centre which no one cares about. People who pass it are on their way to the City anyway, or going to Marion.
- Elizabeth: Full of white trash. x9,000 worse than Salisbury.
- Smithfield: Salisbury + Elizabeth = Smithfield.
- Kilburn: Not only *see above* but this suburb changed its name from "Little Chicago" to Kilburn to escape the stigmata of having so many rapes and murders, more evidence of the good folk living in Adelaide.
- Marleston: In the ghettoooo...
- Noarlunga: The snap pants disease is strong. FUBU and Meth Mouths as far as the eye can see. When at Colonnades Shopping Centre, avoid the outside courtyard near the bus steps and old theatre, the same emos hang out there ALL DAY LONG! We know Atreyu and Bullet For My Valentine suck, we don't need fags hanging out in a courtyard wearing those and other shitty band shirts to show us that.
- Marion: Owned by Westfield Shopping Center, which is filled with bleach blonde 12-year-olds in Supre crop tops taking selfies for their failbooks. Urban banality at its best. It's like Colonnades, except there is no Centrelink next door so less bums around.
- Pooraka: Been mugged lately?
- Mansfield Park: Large Aboriginal population to go along with it's already stellar group of bogans, you will get stabbed.
- Woodville: Filled with old people and teenage whores. A retirement home/prostitot brothel.
- Croydon: Provides us all with the lesson that even Asians and black people can be white suburban trash.
- Alberton: Filled with Australian niggers much the same as aforementioned suburbs.
- Unley: Full of single mothers on the dole.
- Ingle Farm: Ingle Farm Shopping Center, the hang out of the notorious B.I.A (Brothers in Arms) Gang. Wait...who?
- Para Hills: Drug and housing trust house capital of Adelaide. Also known breeding ground of the ever-growing "RANGA" breed, all named either "Nathan" or "Gary".
- Modbury Heights: The local hang out for the feral Heights Boys. Avoid this at all costs, as you will get stabbed.
- Burnside: The peaceful side of town that has all the rich kids that get pissed and do drugs 'n' shit. Also home to post office hold ups.
But overall, Adelaide's worst suburbs still manage to rate higher than the entire city of Melbourne.
|Featured article April 15, 2009|