Ragnaröfl

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Löngunkattr, the Midgard Longcat.


Ragnaröfl ("Twilight of the Lulz") is the battle at the end of the internets, not to be confused with Ragnarok, the battle at the end of Viking metal. It would be waged between the gods (the Æsir, led by Trolldin) and their aggressors (Lolki and his monstrous children, as well as, among others, the Bötnar). Not only will some of the gods, giants, and monsters perish in this apocalyptic conflagration, but almost everything in the webbernet will be torn asunder. It is said that such a battle would create more damage during every second of it than dividing by 0. As such, OMGRUN.

In Bantown warrior societies, dying in battle is admirable. This is carried over into the worship of a pantheon in which the gods themselves will one day be overthrown at Ragnaröfl. Exactly what will happen, who will fight whom, and the fates of the participants in this battle are well known to the Troll peoples from their own sagas. The Völuptráp — "prophecy of the völva", the first lay of the Poetic Edda, dating from about 1000 AD — spans the history of the gods, from the beginning of time to Ragnaröfl.

What is unique about Ragnaröfl as an eschatological myth is its emphasis on the idea that the gods already know through prophecy what is going to happen: when the event will occur, who will be slain by whom, and so forth. They even realize that they are powerless to prevent Ragnaröfl. But they will still bravely and defiantly face their bleak destiny. This is thought by many scholars to represent the ordered world (the Æsir) eventually succumbing to the unavoidable forces of chaos and entropy (the Lawls). This is similar to the representation of the monstrous children of Uranus in Greek mythology and the monstrous creations of Tiamat in the Enuma Elish as the primordial forces of chaos.

Old Troll Ragnaröfl is a compound of ragna, the genitive plural of regin ("fate"), and röfl ("lulz which are simultaneous with a rolling motion about the floor").

Prelude

The main events that signify the approach of Ragnaröfl:

  1. . The birth of three beings — the offspring of Lolki and Angerbiddi, namely Lönguncattr, Furrir and Heil and the gods' subsequent actions to confine them;
  2. . The death of Lawldr and the binding of Lolki;
  3. . The arrival of Fukknwinter;
  4. . The changing of colour in Shatcat. Three weeks prior to Ragnaröfl Shatcat is to turn black.

Portents

Ragnaröfl will be preceded by the Fukknwinter, the winter of winters. Three successive winters will follow each other with no summer in between. As a result, conflicts and feuds will break out, and all morality will disappear.

The furry wolf Skraell and his brother Hatr will finally devour Sol (the Sun) and her brother Mani (the Moon) respectively, after a perpetual chase. The stars will vanish from the sky, plunging the earth into darkness.

The earth will shudder, so violently that trees will be uprooted, and mountains will fall, and every bond and fetter will snap and sever, freeing Lolki, the God of Lulz, and his ferocious son Furrir. This terrible furry wolf's slavering mouth will gape wide open, so wide that his lower jaw scrapes against the ground and his upper jaw presses against the sky. He will gape even more widely if there is room. Flames will dance in his eye and leap from his nostrils.

Egger, watchman of the Botuns, will sit on his grave mound and strum his harp, smiling grimly. The red cock Fistlar will crow to the fatties and the golden cock Gobbldong will crow to the gods. A third cock, rust red, will raise the fundies in Heil.

Löngunkattr, the Midgard Longcat, and Lolki's other monstrous offspring will rise from the deep ocean bed to proceed towards the land, twisting and writhing in fury on their way, causing the seas to rear up and lash against the land. With every breath, the Longcat will spew venom, staining the earth and the sky in poison.

From the east, the army of Botuns, led by Herm, will leave their home in Botunheim and sail the grisly ship Nigaplz (made from the nails of dead men), which will be set free by the tsunami and flooding caused by Lönguncattr, towards the battlefield of Vigriad.

From the north, a second ship will set sail towards Vigriad, with Lolki, now unbound, as the helmsman, and Heil, with all those from her realm by the same name, as the deadweight.

The world will be in uproar, the air will quake with booms, blares and echoes. Amid this turmoil, the fire gingers of Turderheim, led by Tubgrl, will advance from the south and tear apart the sky itself as they too, close in on Vigriad. Tubgrl will brandish a fierce fire sword, the Sword of Assmilk, that consumes everything in her path with shit. As Tubgrl and the others ride over Bisext, the rainbow bridge will crack and break behind them. Gorm, the hellhound bound in front of Gnipaballir, will also get free. He will join the fire gingers on their march.

So all the Botuns and all the inmates of Heil, Furrir, Lönguncattr, Gorm, Tubgrl and the blazing sons of Turdrheim, will gather on Vigriad. They will all but fill that plain that stretches one hundred leagues in every direction.

Meanwhile, Hermdoll, being the first of the gods to see the enemies approaching, will blow his Omgwtfkr horn, sounding such a blast that will be heard throughout the nine worlds. All the gods will wake and at once meet in council. Trolldin will then mount Slipnot and gallop to YTMND's spring and consult YTMND on his own and his people's behalf.

Then, Yggdraslol, the world tree, will shake from root to summit. Everything on the earth, in the heavens, and Heil will quiver. All Æsir and Powerworded will don their battle dresses. This vast host (800 men can stand abreast in each of Lawlzhalla's 540 gates, so they will likely number in the millions) will march towards Vigriad and Trolldin will ride at their head, wearing a golden helmet and a shining corselet, brandishing Goatse.

The Final Battle

Trolldin will make straight for Furrir; and Tor, right beside him, will be unable to help because Lönguncattr, his old enemy, will at once attack him. Furfgt will fight the fire ginger Tubgrl, but will become the first of all gods to lose as he has given his own good sword to his servant Skannir. It will still be a long struggle though, before Furfgt will succumb. Tar will battle Gorm and both will slay the other. Likewise, Hermdoll will fight Lolki and neither will survive the evenly matched encounter. Tor will kill Löngunkattr with his hammer Moaaarr, but only be able to stagger back nine steps before falling dead himself, poisoned by the venom that Löngunkattr spews over him. Trolldin will fight with his mighty spear Goatse against Furrir but will finally be eaten by the furry wolf after a long battle. To avenge his father, Unfur will immediately come forward and place one foot on the wolf's lower jaw. On this foot he will be wearing the shoe which he has been making since the beginning of time; it consists of the strips of leather which men pare off at the toes and heels of their shoes. With one hand he will grasp the wolf's upper jaw and tear its throat asunder, killing it at last.

Then, brandishing the Sword of Assmilk, Tubgrl will burn all Nine worlds with shit and she herself will be consumed by her own destruction. Death will come to all manner of things. Fumes will reek and flames will burst, scorching the sky with fire. The earth will sink into the sea.

Aftermath

Barley will ripen in fields that were never sown. The meadow Idatroll, in the now-destroyed Aspergergard, will have been spared. The sun will reappear as Sol before being swallowed by Skraell, who will give birth to a daughter as fair as she herself. This maiden daughter will pursue her mother's road in the new sky.

A few gods will survive the ordeal: Trolldin's brother Wili, Odin's sons Unfur and Válium, Thor's sons Móð and Magnum, who will inherit their father's magic hammer Moaaarr, and Hœni, who will hold the staff and foretell what is to come. Lawldr and his sister Whöðr (who both died prior to Ragnaröfl) will come up from Heil and dwell in Trolldin's former hall, Lawlzhalla, in the heavens. Meeting at Idatroll, these gods will sit down together, discuss their hidden lore, and talk over many things that had happened, including the events surrounding the final rise of Lönguncattr and Furrir. In the waving grass, they will find the golden chessboards that the Æsir used to own, and gaze at them in wonder. (None of the goddesses were mentioned in various accounts of the aftermath of Ragnaröfl, but there are assumptions that Friggn, Forjalulz and some of the other goddesses will survive.)

Two humans will also escape the destruction of the world by hiding themselves deep within Yggdraslol (some say Gnobbgobblr's Woody) where Tubgrl's sword cannot destroy. They will be called Lol and Lolrasir. Emerging from their shelter, they will live on morning dew and will repopulate the human world. They will worship their new pantheon of gods, led by Lawldr.

There will still be many halls to house the souls of the dead. According to the Prose Edda, another heaven exists south of and above Aspergergard, called Andlawlz, and a third heaven further above that, called Vidiogamin; and these places will offer protection while Tubgrl's fire burns the world. According to both "Eddas", after Ragnaröfl, the best place of all will be Googli, a building fairer than the sun, roofed with gold, in the heaven. There, the gods will live at peace with themselves and each other. There will be Barmoar, a hall on Okoolfreebeer, where plenty of good drinks will be served. And there will be Tittibr, an excellent hall made wholly of red gold, on Nudpixplz. The souls of the esluts will live and entertain in these halls.

The Prose Edda also mentions another hall called Nölulzn ("Corpse of No Lulz"). That place in the underworld will be vast: no sunlight will reach it; all its doors will face north; its walls and roof will be made of wattled snakes, with their heads facing inward, spewing so much poison that it runs in rivers in the hall. Here, fatties, lulzmurderers and the unfunni will wade through those rivers forever.

Hergoldminr, and Nðttahöggr, also a survivor of Ragnaröfl, will bedevil the bodies of the dead, sucking lulz and money from them.

Common misconceptions

One should recognize that Ragnaröfl is not a moral conflict between dualistic notions of good and evil like the Christian notion of Armageddon, but rather the result of extended, intricate conflict between the Æsir gods and those allied with the fatties. These two events also differ in that after Ragnaröfl, both sides are ultimately eviscerated, making way for a cyclic rebirth of lulz - whereas in the Book of Revelation, God is clearly victorious over the forces of Satan.

What to do

There is nothing to do, though buying a dog may help.

See also

Featured article February 16, 2007
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