Ramadan Van Man

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Darren Osborne
Nationality: Nazi  MiniflagUK.png
Highscore One mudslime, who had a heart attack
Top 25? hahaha GTFO
Style Single player
An Hero? No, was protected by Allah
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Ramadan Van Man (Powerword: Darren Osborne) is a sheep-fucker who decided to join in the festive frolics of teh Musselmenz by livening up their dreary annual ritual of not eating or drinking anything during daylight hours. Since 2017's Ramadan fell in June - the month in which the sun comes up at 4am and doesn't set till 10.30pm, during a summer in which London temperatures were higher than those in Florida (srsly) - light-hearted prankster Osborne figured that the Muslims of Britain's capital could do with some comic relief. So he set off from Wales in a rental van and drove it into a crowd outside a London mosque.

Darren Osborne

A 47-year-old unemployable, who lived in Cardiff, Osborne was made to feel inferior by the prowess and skill demonstrated by a number of motorised Muslims who had recently wowed crowds. It is believed that the recent London Bridge spectacular had made Mr Orborne envious of the nationwide acclaim afforded to the stars of the show. He knew a white Briton could do anything a towelhead could do, and what's more, he could do it better. He'd show them! He girded his loins, gathered his pluck, and set out to show the world his spunk.

Preparation

Since it would not be possible for anyone to tell if a location in Cardiff had been devastated, Mr Osborne felt that he needed a more prominent performance space to exhibit his talents. He therefore wasted quite a bit of money on hiring a van, filling it with fuel, and driving all the way to London (a few hundred kilometers) in order to seek fame and fortune, in the time-honored style of a latter-day Dick Whittington, except with a kitchen knife for company instead of a cat.

Darren's Ramadan Ding-Dong

Osborne arrived at Finsbury Park mosque, a towering monument to evil and violence that violates the sacred earth of London's east end. Once home to Cockneys, who were those Britons born within the sound of Bow Bells, the area is now home to fifty million jabbering pakis who were born within the sound of clamorous wailing believed to be some kind of 'call to prayer', broadcast seventeen times a day via loudspeakers positioned atop the minarets of menace.

Finsbury Park Mosque is renowned for the great diversity of theological and philosophical talent that it attracts. Big names have included the half-a-dozen young Q'ranic scholars who set out to test whether it was possible to reach paradise from the underworld in July 2005, and evil hook-handed cleric Abu Hamza, who was so clearly not a terrorist that his eye fell out and both his hands dropped off while he was feeding orphaned ducklings. (He was chucked in jail in the US a couple years ago, but his beaming visage is still a cause of fond reminiscence throughout the land, second only to Our Queen of Hearts, whose name will never be forgotten).

Mr Osborne drove his vehicle of vengeance right into a crowd of smelly Mudslimes who were gangraping a 78-year-old white woman in the name of Allah, squishing one and damaging the suicide-belts of several others.

He has now been arrested by the thought-police, who disapprove of such harmless freedom of expression, and will be duly executed and then tried in a Sharia Court of Sharia Law.

Critical reception

Developments

To be continued.

Graded score


Graded score
Kill count: 1/2 Epic Fail
Accuracy: 5/20 Additional points for being Welsh but able to read a map.
Style: 10/20 GTA
Butthurt: 15/20 Liberal media panic about KKK
Bonus: 15/20 Bonus for being the UK's third white terrorist in five years.
Total score: 57/100 (F)
The Welsh Dragon With A Wagon
See full ranking


Wanted Level:
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"Look you, llon llygod lle ni bo cath, isn't it!"


See Also


External Links

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