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From Encyclopedia Dramatica
WARNING!This article contains Niggers!
Crap, also known as hippity hop, Retards Attempting Poetry, and sometimes rap, started out as music made by niggers specifically for consumption by the hip black community. Ironically (thanks to MTV), wiggers, Puerto Ricans, Romanians, Asians and even Jews make up the majority of rap fans. Today, rap has become completely stale and most rappers just make their shitty music for money. Rap was taken over and revamped by the middle class, but this gradually changed. This is considered highly offensive by the black community, as blacks never steal anything from whites. Evar.
Terrorists of Popular Music
Rap is a genre of music created by criminals and niggers (which are the same thing) where the "rapper" (AKA a faggot or high school dropout) rhymes about such diverse themes as fucking bitches, smoking crack/weed, killing niggas, and getting money, which is played over a drum beat or sample. Famous rappers include Biggie Smalls, 2 Pac, NAS, Puff Daddy, George Bush and A Tribe Called Quest, but nowadays rap is dominated by attention-whores, white faggots (see Asher Roth, and Mac Miller), and rich Jews (see Drake).
Also, rap is extremely innovative. Never before did anyone ever have the idea of calling the extremely common sight of niggers fantasizing about raping, murdering, and looting; "music".
Side Effects of Listening to Rap
It is common knowledge that rappers steal cars and ho's off the backs of their retarded listeners. Many rap enthusiasts also suffer health issues from listening to rap. Listening to rap music instantly gives you AIDS. Even if you're not a nigger, the second you listen to rap you turn into an AIDS infested nigger. Not only does rap cause AIDS, but also blows your ears open and causes it's listeners to loose an incredible amount of brain cells for every second they play their music. That explains why niggers are so deaf and dumb.
Rap and Hip Hop
Rap's politically correct 'brother', Hip Hop was also rap's negligent parent. Although primarily considered by adherents to be a 'lifestyle' and/or movement hip hop purports to include "music" (rap), fashion, "art", and dance. As a musical genre, Hip Hop is supposedly more thoughtful, conscious and 'cleaner' than Rap and thus tl;dr and shit nobody cares about since it promotes such ludicrous ideals as black pride, respect for the black woman and non-violence whist it denounces such things as black-on-black violence, using the word "nigger", calling any women "bitches" and all the other stereotypical trappings of the gangsta rapper's 'ghetto nigger' lifestyle.
Most hip hop 'artists' consider themselves to be more educated, enlightened and 'advanced' than other rappers and look down upon their gun-toting brethren (who sell more records in one day that they do in a career). Many black hip hoppers have also converted to Islam and take Arabic names to show-off their piety. 99.9% of them are hypocrites, however, who enjoy smoking blunts, drinking Cosmopolitans and having sex with anything that moves whilst eating bacon sandwiches laced with X whenever the opportunity arises.
Rap and the Jews
Many rappers, particularly those who have converted to Arab, express a personal dislike of Jews. For instance, Chuck D of Public Enemy once praised epic Jew-hater Louis Farrakhan as "a prophet" and complained that the Jews who control the media were crucifying him, just like they did to Jesus. Professor Griff, another PE member, went so far as to blame Jews for the majority of evil in the world, including unleashing "bling" culture onto black ghettoes through their control of the diamond industry. However, Public Enemy's first album was produced by the Jew Rick Rubin and all of the businessmen responsible for distributing their music were Jewish, revealing it all to be a staged spectacle put on by the Jews to confuse and entertain the populace.
Essentially rap music is nothing more than a plot by the Jews to convince black people that it's cool to be angry and violent criminals. Not that
many black people need much encouragement about that or anything.
- Blacks enjoy Rap through extraordinaraly large speakers. They increase bass to make their music more obscene while purchasing blunt wraps from the local gas station.
- Whites-myself-enjoy rap with headphones, to avoid rape at the local gas station.
The Only Rap Worth Listening to
Constructing the Rapper
- Being a nigger
- Extensive criminal record
- Deep voice: It helps if you can sound like you perpetually have a mouthful of oatmeal
- Using a "smooth" tone of voice when talking to a "lady" when in reality, you're about as smooth as sandpaper
- Phonetic misspellings contained within your name (ex: dawg/dawwwggg, Phat, E-Z, Busta)
- A group of other "Rappers"
- Act like you can beat the shit out of absolutely anyone
- Claiming to have a dick over 14 inches long
- Wearing a 1980s-style color-matched sports outfit
- Being from the da Hood or the projects.
- Wearing gold everything around your neck - gold clock, gold Mercedes hood ornament, gold chains. The technical dexterity of the rapper is proportionate to the cm3 of gold around his or her neck
- Talking shit about other rappers, getting shot, then doing it again because you're a masochist
- Growing up on the streets
Rappers smoke overpriced schwag, smoke heavily cut/overpriced crack, drink overpriced liquor, pop meth-cut/overpriced X and generally use the dollars of their adoring fans to pay the bikini-clad black women who strip for them were originally honor students at college, but were kidnapped, brainwashed and are now permanent prisoners in the mansions of the hip-hop artists.
It is also worth noting, that in order to be a rapper, you must hate white people. It is, however, acceptable if you buy overpriced brand-name products from whitey, such as cars you don't know how to drive (e.g. Mercedes, Cadillac, Lamborghini, Rolls Royce, Bentley), jewelry you look like an asshole wearing (e.g. Rolex), designer clothing you trash daily (e.g. Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada) and other sophisticated things that niggers are too stupid or lazy to make.
Hip hop apparel usually consists of dangerously baggy pants that drag on the ground and trip the rapper, boxers that are constantly visible, a 25-pound matching hooded sweatshirt, oversized brown boots, fake jewelry, $500 Air Force 1 shoes (because "they're fuckin' hot kicks") and the ape inside of it all (see right). Wiggers can wear this, but their typical attire is usually wearing dark and nylons with blue flames and a lame ass dragon on the back.
Tips to Rapping Fashion
- Wear baggy clothing to look like a complete tool
- Claim you're the best thing since sliced bread
- Rap about drugs, sex and money
- Own a collection of flat-brimmed hats that all have LA or NY on them
- Wear excessive cologne and grills
- Own about 2,000 pairs of shoes, yet never ever tie any of them
- Wear excessive bright colors that don't match at all
- Walk with your hands tucked into your jeans
- Pretend to like whitey sports (ex: golf)
- Pretend to hate the police while at the same time show that you don't care what they think
- Pretend to be from "da hood", which is actually just a fictional place with couches on the lawn and rabid dogs.
- Find out WHO THE HELL SHORTY IS! He's in like every freakin' rap song! Who the hell is he?
What Classifies As A Rap Song?
For a song to classify as rap, one must be able to identify most or all of the following elements:
- A list of felonies
- Swearing every other line
- Even though not in concert, you must use phrases that refer to you being in an actual concert, such as "Put ya' hands in da' air"
- Lyrics or titles containing the pseudomorph tha. as in Tha Cops Was Aksin' Me
- Multiple references to some sort of "hood" or "projects". (Somewhere in New York is always a good place to start.)
- Lyrics about raping white women in KFC (they were asking for it which is always the case).
- Police sirens.
- Anything describing sex
- Singing about hard times
- Drugs -- lots of drugs
- Stealing other people's work and mix it in with random sounds
- The story all about how your life got flipped, turned upside down
- If its modern rap, have a Roland Drum machine that does a beat sample played at a bat-shit crazy tempo, and then say how you're tired of using technology.
- A dance that involves being so low to the ground that you get trampled by a retard that is doing it wrong.
- Random DJ that constantly yells his name throughout the song.
Rules of Rap
- All post-1990 rap songs are ripoffs of other songs.
- Rhyme; it's called retards attempting poetry for a reason.
- Use copious filler.
- Absolutely under no circumstances can you use a time signature other than 4/4.
- All white rappers suck, no exceptions.
- Originality is bad.
- If you're not gangster, you don't belong.
- Rap about bitches, hoes and tricks -- even if the only women you get are stank-ass, STD-infected prostitutes.
Creation of a Hip-Hop Song
First a music producer goofs around on a cheap Casio keyboard. You know, the kind you could pick up for five bucks at a flea market and has old leaked batteries inside of it and sticky juice-stained keys. Around 45 seconds later, the proper beat and tempo is found. Then the artist starts rapping some half-assed poetry about his clothes, slutty women shaking their stinky asses, lame double-entendres, acting like a total moron at a club, and his watermelon harvest. The producer may add in a sampled melody of some unpopular Alan Parsons Project song. And that's how a hip-hop song is made. If that's too advanced for you, we here at ED have created a handy guide:
- First, you must create a TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT and preferably illogical pseudonym because regular old names are too boring for today’s X-TREME generation.
- You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, violence, money, women, and nightclubs to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poser! Also make sure to be sexist and racist towards white people.
- When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration! Also curse a lot. Make sure to say fuck, shit, bitch, hoe, nigga, ass, dick, pussy, piss or muthafucka every other line. You are trying WAY too hard if the chorus of your song contains more than 5 different words.
- Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “dat's right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...
- Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time. Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!
- Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100+ times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG! Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.
- Don't forget to put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.
- Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more competent and talented than you mix, produce, print and publish the album.
PROTIP: It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD does not feature the actual rapper itself.
Anatomy of a Rap Song
For the Jews to make any money of this garbage, they have a systematic formula that both sells albums and retards the middle class. It also has the ability to make you "uncool" for seeing it for what it really is: THE SAME STUPID SHIT - EVERY FUCKING TIME. Top men have been studying this for years and have finally broke it down. Be warned, however: If you enjoy rap music, and still do after seeing this - You might be retarded. Only your physician can tell.
- Start out with a single loop. Every fucking rap song in existence is in a 4/4 time signature, which is due to the fact that its all that's covered in the instruction manual that came with the equipment they stole and that niggers can't comprehend music theory in general. The initial loop is going to continue the whole song, so make it "good"! PROTIP: Rip off a song that's already been famous. Rule of thumb: Whatever that song made when it was released will be multiplied by the current cost of living in record sales(which in a nigger's case is only about as big as his welfare check, but you'd surprised. Their record label will keep all the money anyway. It's probably owned by Dr. Dre.)
- Just before the beat comes in, scream your fucking name, then scream the DJ's name, then scream your label's name. The more name's you can fit in the beginning of the song will determine how much people will give a crap when your shit sampler destroys EVERYTHING REAL MUSICIANS WORK FOR. Example: "LIL (insert name)! FEATURING (misspell something then misspell your name) AND DJ (someone no one knows).
- After shouting over 9000 names, give a shout out to who your target audience is. Since it's niggers and suburban kids who wish they were niggers, it's probably going to be somewhere where poor people live. For added lulz, tell them how you contributing to social growth and society in general. Example: "Doin' it beeeg n da dirty south dawgs keepin' it real! for all my homies an shawtys word!"
- Beat comes in; again, it's 4/4 time signature. As long as the bass is up all the way, it could be a chimp farting on a snare drum and it will still get played in the club. BE SURE TO INCLUDE GUN SHOTS AND POLICE SIRENS. Without them, you're not baller. And no one will take you serious if it doesn't sound like someone was being shot when you recording this. Statistics show that most gunshots on rap songs were actually fired during recording.
- Here comes the easy part: LYRICS! Basically, to efficiently write rap songs, templates are available. Each record company has their own, and they work similar to Mad Libs. Just fill in the blanks and your good to go! Make up words for extra points! EXAMPLE: (PROPER NOUN) BE (VERB) CAUSE I LOOK SO (ADJECTIVE); (NOUN) WANNA (VERB) ME WHEN I (VERB) THEIR (NOUN). Since black people can't understand English, it actually makes it better for some reason. No one knows why. It's probably because if you're stupid enough to like it, you're stupid enough to understand it.
- Write your hook! It should include at least one of the following subjects:
N.B. If utilizing the concept of tragedy it must relate to black people for it to be taken seriously, if it happened to white people the government would have stepped in and helped because THEY DON'T SELF PERPETUATE NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT THEY'RE PEOPLE FOR PROFIT. Yea, that's what rap is.
Basically, just lie. It's not like you have anything to prove anyhow. Since it sounds like something someone already did, it's going to sell.
- INSERT HORRIBLE FEMALE SINGER NO ONES EVER HEARD OF NOA! The less known the better! That way, while she's fucking you for a shot at fame, she might make it really big and in the meantime and insure your future as well! Better start hitting the strip clubs! PROTIP: Make them spell something. This shows that she actually got learned in her edumacation.
- After repeating the hook over 9000 times, repeat step 1 until you run out of memory on your stolen Acer laptop.
- Burn to CD or your Zune (also stolen.)
- FUCKING FAMOUS.
If the song is about love (e.g. "I love da way you shake dat ass" in the chorus), then the music video will include scenes of the rapper in question cheating on his girlfriend and then winning her back by giving her a new necklace or diamond ring or something similar. These scenes will be, of course, intercut with clips of the rapper and his "crew" sitting in a hot tub with bikini-clad women. Little did you know that Snoop dog has a lighter softer side.
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