|Not to be confused with a Jew, or a Snitch|
On average, rats measure about six inches long from the end of their snouts to the tips of their disgusting, twitching, scaly and hairless tails, although there are cases of them growing much, much larger, with some reaching the size of a small dog. Unlike you, rats have a lot of sex and so breed prolifically, eventually resulting in infestation. Rats are also extremely adaptable, hardy creatures, able to scratch a living just about anywhere, so long as there's a reliable food source nearby (which isn't hard, as rats eat fucking anything, including themselves). Because of this, no matter where you are on the planet Earth, you are never more than six feet away from a rat.
If you have rats in your house, it is generally a good sign that you are a fucking slob who should clean moar. Rats spend their days eating and/or shitting in your food, gnawing through wiring in your walls and pissing all over everything as a way of leaving messages for other rats that might be in the vicinity (And believe me, there will be other rats in the vicinity).
Rats As Pets
Bizarrely, some people actually choose to live with rats voluntarily, keeping the dirty vermin as pets. These individuals, hereafter referred to as 'ratfags', are universally disturbed in some way and should be treated with suspicion, if not outright hostility, because they are doubtless up to something nefarious.
Nutcases like these often tend to be inferior to those who reside with ferrets Disregard that, ferrets are just as bad - stinking weaselly little bastards that they are.
Notable ratfags include:
- Emilie Autumn
- David Copeland
- Paris Hilton
- Michael Jackson
- Emo Cutter Girl
- Angelina Jolie
- Theodore Kaczynski
- Marilyn Manson
- Megan Wessels
- Queen Victoria
- Lexi Bee
- Ron Weasley
- Grigori Rasputin
- Willard Stiles
Ratfags will invariably lie about their disgusting pets, claiming them to be very clean and affectionate animals, however, we at Encyclopedia Dramatica know better. Some theorize that perhaps there is some kind of psychoactive chemical in rat shit and that, by eating food contaminated with their droppings, ratfags actually have their minds altered by their revolting pets and so see them as cute, playful and hygienic little critters, rather than the disgusting, ugly, soulless pests that they actually are.
Rats carry a number of dangerous diseases that frequently result in death, including Weil's disease, rat bite fever, yellow fever, cryptosporidiosis, GOTIS, viral hemorrhagic fever, Q fever, AIDS, hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, toxoplasmosis, trichinosis and the T-Virus.
At least one hundred years ago, The Black Death, one of the most deadly pandemics in human history was caused by rats. Ratfags like to get pedantic about this and point out that, actually it was the fleas that travelled on the backs of the rats, not the rats themselves, but what they fail to realize is that even if that was the case, the plague wouldn't have fucking happened if the rats hadn't have been there in the first place.
TL;DR: Rats will kill you fucking dead and then laugh about it with their friends as they're gnawing on your cold, decaying flesh.
Uses For Rats
Arabic Space Program
- Target practice. We suggest .22lr ratshot.
- Subjects for medical experients - ideally cruel ones.
- Food for a proper pet, such as a cat, snake, bird of prey, or some kind of large, carnivorous toad.
- Starving them, before using them to torture people.
- Launching into space.
- Shoving into the cunt of a prostitute after you've nailed her to the floor.
- Something for 1st level adventurers to kill.
- Feeding to celebrities on reality TV shows.
- Burning them alive for shits and giggles. Bonus points if you record it and send it to liberals / tumblr fags.
- People used to use dried rat intestines to make fuses for gunpowder, back in the old days.
- Greasing up and inserting into your anus, if you are a homosexual.
- An adult rat can squeeze into your home through a hole as small as the size of a quarter.
- Rats are not kosher, as Jews find the idea of cannibalism repugnant.
- Rats eat shit. In fact, some rats love the taste of feces so much that they've been known to crawl up sewage pipes and into toilets in their search for more of the stuff.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in eighteen months, two rats could, literally, have over 9,000 descendents. We are outnumbered.
- Like the rednecks from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or a certain Australian national treasure, rats are incestuous and eagerly breed with their own families.
- Some rats have wings and can fly. These are called 'pigeons'.
- Some rats are large and ginger and are fapped over by furries. These are called 'foxes'.
- Some rats have been specially bred by enterprising Mexicans who have sold them to skanks as expensive fashion accessories. These are called 'Chihuahuas'.
- Indian people, who are known for their meticulous hygiene, consider rats to be sacred, as one of their silly animal-headed gods rides on a giant rat. As a result, it is considered a terrible sin to kill a rat and the little furry bastards can frequently be seen in that shit-smelling country, crawling and shitting all over everything and stealing food off people's plates without fear of reprisal.
- Rats smell fucking awful.
- A rat's strong teeth enable them to chew through glass, cinderblock, wire, aluminum and lead.
- Mice are scared of rats, likely for similar reasons that white people are wary of Jews.
- Like Americans and niggers, rats are at their most dangerous when they are hungry.
- Rats do not have thumbs and so are unable to operate firearms. For now.
- Rats can walk on water.
- Rats are fucking crazy fighters, able to take on creatures up to three times their size and possibly larger, if working together.
- Rats eat one fifth of the world's food supply each year, making them responsible for the deaths of millions in famines.
- On the Isle of Man, the word 'rat' is considered terribly offensive and, as such, the creatures are called 'long-tails'. Anybody who calls a rat a rat will be punished, via a banhammer.
- If a rat ever got the chance, he'd kill you and everyone you care about.
- Rat chan - The hero we deserve.
- Wolves - Another horrible, destructive pest with a retarded fanbase of human sympathizers.
- Plague Rats
- Skaven - Ask /tg/ about these fuckers and they'll be sure to educate you.
- Ray Jones - This man likes to fuck rats.
- Animal Abuse - Fun for the whole family!
- Keemstar - He is also a rat in disguise of a gnome.
- How to kill rats.
- Rat Torture Epidemic
- Most humane way to dispatch one
- COMMIT RAT MURDER
- Rats can fuck up the environment just as badly as humans can, as the people of Rat Island will tell you.
- Hilarious abuse
- Torturing and Killing rats for the lulz
- Shock therapy
- Rat abuse
- Some old coot in England kills a giant rat
- In Sweden, they have enormous great fucking rats called 'Viking rats'. This is because they raid monasteries, rape and pillage.
- Mutant rats the size of cats infesting Londanistan.
- The Web 1.0-tastic website of The Rat Fan Club.
- Mouse penis removal
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals
|Featured article June 29, 2016|