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—on selling America's tight lily-white ass to big business.
A Ronald Reagan is a natural disaster that is believed to occur when a dumbass Hollywood reject decides that the intellectual strain associated with being a B-list celebrity is unbearable and instead devotes himself to a career in politics, creating a drone cult consisting of devoted followers who share in his desire to fuck up the world. Reagan followers are rightly quick to call out Obamabots for their sad devotion to a typical politician. The problem arises when they fail to realize the irony in criticizing Obama while giving head to Reagan.
The Man Himself
Born Raghnall Mac Liam Ó Riagáin, to loving father Seán Éadbhard Ó Riagáin and Nelle Clyde Wilson. Thanks to his sponsorship of terrorism, Ronald Reagan single-handedly destroyed communism forever, ensured the prosperity of the filthy rich, and saved Jesus from the Jews. And threw millions of poor people out of work, FOR DA LULZ.
Serving as the Commander in Chief, Lord Protector, First Consul, Meat Wad, and 40th President of the United States, Reagan is faintly remembered for being at least 100 feet tall. He was a hideous old fart with a disgusting, leaking bowel system and a micropenis. He served two terms, from 1980 to 1984, and then again from 1984 to bedtime. He is widely remembered by conservatives and Republicans to be an hero. However, the poor people did not remember him at all, because he starved them or jailed them to death.
In his early years, Reagan was an underground porn actor. His best-known film is probably Godless Homo 3, the story of a young man receiving a massive semen communion for a full 120 minutes. In the 1970s, Reagan successfully ran for Governor of California. At this point, his tits had grown to a full C. After winning, he allegedly stated, "I've seen more than most people my age. I need to shave my boobs every day, but boy does it pay off. Now where did that child prostitute go?"
A full list of the Hellywood films he appeared in would be an embarrassment, chief. Included awesomely stupid shit like "This Is the Army" and "Bedtime For Bonzo", in which he had full-penetration anal sex with a chimp. Don't forget "The Rear Gunner" and "The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse"! Plus low-budget TV shows because he was a whore.
Because of his racist beliefs, Reagan wanted to build nuclear space weapons to kill non-whites on the moon. His scheme was hindered by hippie perverts. He also tried to kill non-whites by eliminating welfare, as he knew that only black people need it because they are so goddamn poor.
In late 1980, he invented AIDS for the lulz. His press secretary kept the lulz going by making moronic jokes about the "gay plague" with the eager help of the White House press corps. Only a deep-closeted fag would talk like that.
He is universally recognized as an innovator in American politics, having made being blatantly racist, sexist, and indifferent to basic human rights an acceptable national platform. And so he is venerated today as a "great leader" or something.
He initiated unprecedentedly severe drug enforcement laws, which said that you could be given a life sentence in forty-five states if you were found with so much as a hemp seed in your pocket. These laws were only enforced in the event that the involved person was nigra. Whites were set free if arrested at all, unless they were poor, in which case they are considered nigra anyway and treated accordingly. The plan was officially called "Operation Get Darky".
Ronnie also made sure that the private prisons made lots of money by having the CIA import enormous amounts of drugs from whatever foreign country they were raping and pillaging at the time. The government then pushed the drugs into the American cities that Reagan had deliberately impoverished, as an attractive menace to people who are struggling just to buy bread. Thank him and his businessman buds for all that wonderful low-cost crack. Some might call this federal entrapment; others praised the actions as strong leadership from a cunty-sweet president who was “cleaning up” the cuntry (most Reagan supporters were just happy that he was able to start putting niggers in prison where they belong). Supplying both the problem and the solution was considered very innovative for the time, and served as a model for all subsequent administrations.
He was subject of an assassination attempt by a four-year-old asshole in 1981, after which he was clinically dead for about two weeks. Kept alive with melted goose turds pumped into his veins, he was finally revived by radioactive wisdom sucked from Hitler's ancient, preserved cervix.
After his 1988 resignation, Reagan regressed into total babbling senility, to the great entertainment of his close relatives. He was often made to believe his name was "Pure AIDS", "Smelly Balls" or "Freddie Mercury's Big Plump Slut". They also duped him into eating non-Aryan children, something his deeply racist pre-Alzheimer self never would have agreed to.
True fact: his son Ron later claimed that ol' Dad was going cheesehead back in 1984. A zombie goober in the WH with his finger on the nuke button, yessir. Ron Jr. was rewarded with attacks in the press by his adopted brother Michael Reagan and then by the conservative press-thing.
—Lesley Stahl of CBS, after meeting the Old Fart in 1986
—Ronald Reagan, trolling the world
Ronald Reagan was a member of the Democratic Party until he caught a nasty case of Alzheimer's Disease from the Cult of the Dead Cow. As a result, he switched to the Republican Party. It wasn't until after he was done being President that his affliction was revealed. Few public sightings of Reagan occurred after that.
Claims to fame
- C-List Actor
- Governor of California
- President of the United States during the gayest decade of all-time.
- BFF to Mickey Mouse and Margaret Thatcher
- Grand Wizard of the KKK (only briefly before he created AIDS)
- Largest Distributor of Crack in the United States
- Invaded and killed over 9000 people in Nicaragua
- Thought he was a cowboy and wasn't the last US President to believe that.
- Banger of Nancy Reagan's skull
- Invented AIDS to take out the nigras and fags. Claimed it was all just a big joke (this is true!)
- Rescued Jimmy Carter from the Iranians
- Was kidnapped by ninjas, but rescued by the Bad Dudes.
- Taught us all how to love again, lol
- Invented hair metal
- Single-handedly knocked down the Berlin Wall with two karate-chops
- While alive, he enjoyed hiding in trees by candy shops, then jumping out and raping the small children that walked by.
Reagan was nominated by the Republicans in 1980 due in large part to the results of a psychological study, excerpted below:
—Dr. J Graham Ballard, King's College of Cambridge University
Song and another Ron Reagan memorabilia video
Sadly, his LiveJournals are almost completely bare:
Which leaves the question, "who is sitting on all the potentially funniest LiveJournal names?" Dude, rich lulz are at hand - seize the lulz!
- "Voodoo economics"
- W - child spawn and clone administration
- Michael Reagan - adopted son and all around fucktard